Chapter 149

I continue to pace around outside Conor’s bedroom door, debating whether or not I should actually go in and get this over and done with. I have all the right words in my head – Eleanor’s drilled them in enough – but I just can’t seem to actually say them.

“Lucy, if you don’t knock, I will” Eleanor whispers harshly from behind. I didn’t even know she was there.

“Right, yeah I will” I stutter, letting out a huge breath and shaking out my hands. I’m so nervous. I’m about to tell Conor Maynard that I love him for god’s sake.

“Screw this” El rolls her eyes, banging three times on his door. “Come to my room when you’re done” she smiles widely before scurrying off to her room.

“Eleanor, wait!” I call after her in panic, but before I can even try and argue with her about what she just did, Conor swings his door open. Oh man. Why am I doing this?

“Lucy” he smiles awkwardly, obviously confused as to why I’m banging on his door.

“Sorry, uh- that was Eleanor. She just ran” I stutter. Oh god, I need to leave. This isn’t happening. “I’ll just go and get her”

“Wait” he quickly says, gently tugging me back by my wrist. “Why are you here?”

“Um-“

Come on, Lucy. Think of something.

“Never mind. It um, it doesn’t matter” I shake my head, unable to come up with an excuse. I’ve realised I don’t have as much confidence as I thought I did to try and talk to Conor. Maybe I’ll just text him sometime.

“It obviously does if Eleanor’s planted you on my doorstep” he smirks, slowly releasing his grip on my wrist. I smile slightly and turn around to see where she’s actually gone. That girl can bloody move. “So, you want to come in?”

I snap my head back to face him, completely shocked that he’s willing to let me in his room when I’m in such an awkward state.

“Come on, we can talk in here” he smiles, walking into his room.

I want to follow him but my feet seem to be stuck to the floor.

Lucy, move.

I watch as he sits on his bed and turns to me with a smirk.

“Jesus Christ, Lucy. What’s gotten into you?” he chuckles, patting the empty space next to him on the bed. “I don’t bite”

“Yeah” I stutter. “I know”

I probably look like such a freak right now. As if he’s still willing to sit down and talk to me.

I manage to actually remember how to walk, and make my way into his room, closing the door behind him and sitting next to him on his bed, making sure there’s a decent space in between us. I’ve been so much closer to him before and I could handle it, so how come now when we have a good 50cm between us, my heart’s close to tearing my chest apart and jumping out onto Conor? Ew, that’s gross.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he teases me further. I’m kind of glad he is because it’s surprisingly making me feel much more comfortable around him. “So, did you want to talk?”

“Yeah” I sigh, relaxing my shoulders slightly. “I need to tell you something that’s um, been on my mind a lot”

Okay Lucy, nice start.

“Yeah, you can tell me anything” he smiles, shrugging slightly. Agh, he’s so cute.

I smile at him before my face drops and I seem to forget everything I’ve rehearsed with Eleanor.

“Sorry, I’m nervous” I force a laugh, turning away from him. Yeah Lucy, I’m sure he’s noticed that.

He chuckles, “Lucy, just relax. It’s only me. You know, the asshole that jumped on a Christmas tree and who’s terrified of spiders”

I start laughing, making his smirk grow.

“Just talk to me” he smiles.

Oh, fuck it. I need to get this over and done with sooner or later, and sitting here making him do all the talking isn’t doing me any favours.

“I really like you, Conor” I blurt out, making his face drop in shock. Okay, keep talking and hope he comes to term with the fact I like him. “And I don’t want to leave here without you knowing because then I don’t know when I’m next going to see you to tell you then. And Eleanor’s on my case and is saying I’ll regret it more if I don’t tell-“

I’m interrupted by him slamming his lips against mine, running his fingers through my hair and tugging slightly as we get deeper into the kiss. Okay, this was unexpected. Oh crap, what do I do?

I respond to his kiss just like how I would two years ago, and all those feelings and emotions hit me in the stomach like a lightning bolt. No, it doesn’t hurt. I love it.

We continue to kiss for a while until he slowly pulls away, smiling at me before placing a kiss on my cheek.

“Well, I really like you too, Luce” he smirks, making my smile stretch right across my face.

“Good” I giggle. Giggling, Lucy? Really? “So what happens now?”

“Um, I’m not sure” he says, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. My face falls slightly, realising I haven’t actually thought this through as well as I’d hoped. What does happen now?

“Me either” I frown.

“I mean, I’m so busy with my album and stuff. And I live in America” he sighs. I nod in understandment. “I guess you could stay here for a while. We could try things out for a month or two and work things out from then”

“Conor, I have to get back to University in September” I frown.

“Yeah, I know” he nods.

“Unless you come back to Brighton and I could get the train every weekend or something to see you” I suggest. I realise how much of a stupid idea that would be as soon as I say it.

“I can’t. I’m half way through recording my album and America’s more convenient for me than Brighton. I mean, what would I do with my house?” he forces out a laugh.

“Yeah, I know” I sigh, shaking my head.

“Luce, I feel the same way and I really care about you and everything but...” he trails off, sighing as if he can’t finish his sentence.

“You’re too busy for a relationship” I finish his sentence for him, looking down at my bracelet and fiddling with the charms: a habit I’ve picked up from years ago.

“It’s not that, it’s just-“

“Conor, I get it. You can’t give up all this for a stupid relationship” I shrug.

I understand completely, I mean, yeah, I’m absolutely gutted but what did I expect? For him to sell his house and fly back to the UK with me so we can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? No, Conor and I have always been far from a fairytale ending.

“I’m sorry” he sighs and I just shrug. “I wish I could”

“Yeah, me too” I nod, standing up from my place. “I better get going, Eleanor said she wanted to talk”

“Oh, okay then” he frowns, following me to the door.

I need to get out of this situation as soon as possible before I burst into tears or something. He definitely wouldn’t be flying back to England with me then.

“Bye” I say to him, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, bye” he smiles slightly before I turn and walk away from his room as quickly as possible.

I turn the corner of the hall and relax slightly when I realise I don’t need to put up a front anymore. I let one tear slip and before I know it, I have tears rolling down my cheeks faster than Niagara Falls. I need to get to Eleanor.

As soon as I reach her door, I barge right through and fall on her bed.

“Lucy?” she gasps. “Jesus Christ, you nearly gave me a heart attack” she breathes, holding her heart as she sees it’s only me.

“He’s too busy for a relationship, Eleanor. What did I expect?” I sigh heavily, wiping away my tears.

“Oh my god” she groans, standing up from the floor and pulling me in for a hug. “I’m so sorry, Lucy”

“He even invited me to stay here longer but I have to go to Uni” I moan. Why the hell did I decide to go to University?

“Well, look on the bright side, at least you know he likes you back” she shrugs.

“He told me he did. We kissed” I sniffle, unable to even smile at the memory.

The kiss was so much different to anything Nick had ever given me. Conor’s kisses are full of passion and love, and the familiarisation I felt when he just kissed me was unreal. I literally felt like I was 16 again and we never even left each other for two years. I felt like we were back in his bedroom at his house in Brighton.

And speaking of Nick, I am still technically in a relationship with him. I swear, all that stops as soon as I get back home. I’ll call him and end things the second we get back. This trip’s made me realise what love actually is, and mine and Nick’s relationship definitely isn’t even that.

Here’s a lesson for you all: if you hate being in the presence of your boyfriend, you certainly are not in love. Why does that seem like something everybody should already know and I’m not actually teaching anyone anything new?

“Aw” she squeals, pulling away from the hug. I just look at her with bored eyes, making her face drop. “Sorry”

“I knew it was a bad idea. What did we expect to come out of this, Eleanor?” I sigh, wiping away my tears that are slowly beginning to stop falling.

“I don’t know, Lucy. Just think of it this way, at least you both know how you both feel. You would’ve regretted it so much more if we went back home without finding that out” she frowns.

“Yeah, I guess” I nod. She’s right. We always said that from the start of this plan. I’m glad I do know that he likes me back but in a way, that makes it more painful for me, knowing that we can’t do anything about it.

Eleanor groans, “I feel like this is all my fault”

“Yeah” I sigh.

“Do you hate me?”

“No, I just want something bad to happen to you” I shrug. “Not really bad... Just something to ruin your weekend”

“Okay... I’ll try” she nods. “Well there’s not a whole lot we can do anymore”

“I know, I just want to finish packing and maybe squeeze in a quick nap before we leave” I groan. The last time I checked, it was 8:30pm, and Matt’s making sure we leave this house at 11pm for our flight.

“Don’t remind me” she shudders. “Do you want to finish packing in here?”

“Yeah, I think so” I sigh, realising I’ll have to get all my things from my room and bring them into here. I have no alternative, I don’t want to sit on my own in my room and pack by myself.

“Go and get your suitcase then”

“Can you do it? I’m too upset to move” I smirk.

“Mother fucker” she groans, storming out of the room and returning a few seconds later carrying my suitcase piled up with clothes. “Wait till I have a relationship problem” she mutters, throwing it on the floor.

“Oh shut up, you got me into this mess”

“Are you kidding me!?” she gasps, making me roll my head back in laughter.

Although I’m still really upset about Conor and I, Eleanor can still manage to make me laugh, even if it is unintentional. There’s not a whole lot I can do about mine and Conor’s situation so I think the best thing to do is try and move on. And I know, I’ve said this about a bazillion times in the past but what else can I do to get over this situation?

It’s summer, I’ll be seeing possibly all of the group when I get back to the UK, and it’s 14 days until my birthday. I need to get over this and smile. This has been one of the best weeks of my life and I don’t want to leave feeling so miserable that I don’t even want to get out of bed for the rest of the holidays.

Conor’s got his own life and I’ve got mine... Maybe this is just a sign that we shouldn’t connect them.

-

“I don’t want to go!” Eleanor cries as she continues to sit on the floor and pull at Conor’s legs.

“Get the fuck off me, you animal” he panics, tearing his legs away from her. I chuckle slightly at the sight in front of me. “I’ll see you again soon, chill out”

“But your house is so pretty” she pouts.

“Oh, so it’s my house you’re after?” he raises an eyebrow in amusement. “Tell you what, El. How about we get married in the future and you can move in with me?”

“Ew” she cringes, standing up in her place and dusting herself off. “I’m expecting album two to buy Jack a nice big house like this that I can move into”

Jack groans, “Don’t give her any ideas”

I roll my head back in laughter as Eleanor grabs a cushion from the sofa and launches it at Jack.

“Look, you’re welcome here anytime. Just give me a call before you decide to pack your bags and import” Conor warns her and she just rolls her eyes and nods.

“I swear, we’re gonna miss our flight” Matt panics as he storms into the room. “Is everybody ready?”

“Yeah” we all sigh in sync.

He sighs, “Let’s go then”

Oh god, I feel like using Eleanor’s tactic and grabbing hold of Conor’s legs, begging not to leave... But I think we all know why I can’t go doing that.

Instead, we all follow Matt outside and towards the cars. We’re not driving to the airport in them because we’d have to use both cars and Conor can’t drive both of them back home. Instead, all of our bags are being piled onto the driveway as we wait for the taxi man to come.

“Conor, thanks so much for having us here. I’ve absolutely loved it” my Mum smiles at Conor. I smile slightly as everyone starts to thank him and give him hugs and stuff, wishing him good luck on his future career.

“Taxi’s here!” Matt calls out to us all.

We all carry our bags to the taxi and pile them conveniently into the back of the car. Everyone begins to say their goodbye’s to Conor, as I just stand by the taxi and watch, waiting for my turn to talk to him. I’ve got to have one last conversation with him before I leave. I don’t even have his number to text him when I’m home.

“See you soon, bro” Jack smiles, pulling away from the hug he was just in with Conor. With one last smile, Jack climbs into the taxi and buckles himself into the back seat.

“Conor” I sigh, walking over to him.

“Lucy, don’t” he frowns, shaking his head slightly and running his fingers through his hair.

“What?” I frown in confusion. Surely he’s at least going to say bye to me. I shake it off and begin to talk, “Thanks again for inviting us here, I’ve had a great time”

“Sure” he shrugs, smiling slightly. I take a small step forward to pull him in for a hug, but he takes one small step back and smiles awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

“You can’t be serious” I frown again, in confusion.

He sighs, “Bye, Lucy”

Before I can even ask why he’s being like this, he walks away from me and walks over to his Mum and Anna; the last two people he needs to say bye to.

In complete shock, I turn around and slowly walk to the taxi, racking my brain for answers of why Conor’s being like this. I knew I shouldn’t have bloody said anything to him. It’s just made things so awkward between us. Things were going great before I had to tell him that I freaking fancied him again. Well done, Lucy.

I take a seat next to Eleanor and stare out of the window, taking in every last second of the view here... That view being Conor.

What? This is probably the last time I’m going to see him in a long time, if not, forever. Well, I might see him at his family house in Brighton every now and then but I’d doubt we’re ever going to hang out with each other properly now.

“I’ll call you as soon as I get home” Angela snaps me out of my thoughts as she climbs into the taxi with Anna. This is a flipping huge taxi.

“Okay, Mum” Conor chuckles. “Bye everyone”

He glances at me quickly before looking anywhere else and smiling around the group as they all say bye.

“I expect another invite for next year” Eleanor smiles at him. He rolls his eyes and closes the taxi door, taking a couple steps back and waving as we slowly pull away from the house.

I don’t take my eyes off Conor as he continues to wave until we come out of sight, and that’s when it really hits me that that was probably the last time I’m ever properly going to see Conor again. We’re leaving LA and Conor’s not coming with us.

I’d doubt we’re going to be hanging out anytime soon or even talking for that matter. Knowing this actually sucks and makes me want to rewind to when we were back in high school together.

We had a shit load of arguments, but no matter how much we argued, I always knew that it wasn’t the last I was going to see him. I mean, we went to the same school as each other...

I knew I’d always be able to see him and he wasn’t physically leaving me, which made me feel safer in a way. Yeah, at times, I hated the guy and I might have wished he’d just get the hell out of my life, but now it’s actually happening, it hurts.

Coming to live with him in LA was such a bad idea. I was 99.9% over him about a week ago (let’s be serious, reaching 100% is never going to happen) and now I’ve fallen back in love with him. And now I don’t even know when the next time I’m going to see him is, and if I’m ever going to speak to him again.

Jesus Christ, the one time I actually just want to sit down and talk to him, I’m flying thousands of miles away from him, possibly never getting that opportunity again. Wow, my life sucks.