Chapter 13

James and I woke up to a buzzing that wouldn't stop. The rain had lightened up for three in the morning, but it was still pretty heavy for LA. We both fumbled around in the dark of my bedroom to find a light. I went into the kitchen to find my phone being called about sixteen times by Carlos and three times by Kendall. Shit, Kendall. Shit, going to Carlos's.

"Hello?" I asked groggy still as I answered the next call from Carlos a few seconds after the last.

"Oh my God! We thought you washed away somewhere!" Lex yelled even though Carlos called. I raised my brows hearing the loud voice in my ear.

"Nope, I'm alive and well." I mumbled as Carlos sounded like he was fumbling with getting his phone back from his wife.

"How'd today go? You never came over." He said as if I had forgotten. My eyes were drawn to the doorway of my bedroom, where James stood rubbing his eyes down the hall. He was out of bed and waiting for me to return before he would. He was the sweetest.

"It's still going. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye." I told Carlos before he could argue, knowing very well my smile came across in my tone. I hung up and turned off my phone. I then stumbled back into my room, pulling James by the hand as I climbed back into bed with James, but this time I was facing away and James brought me close to him. I felt his breath on my neck and his arm shielding me. He reached down and grabbed my hand as my heart skipped yet another beat. Before we knew it, it was back to dream land.

When we finally awoke for real, I was facing the ceiling laying on my back, but James's torso was half on me and half on the bed. His face was facing mine, but was still sleeping. His left hand was holding mine and my arm was wrapped around his. I felt very comfortable which I wasn't sure was a good thing or not. I turned to face him, but kept his hand in mine. He didn't stir, only his light snores increased. I laid staring at this beautiful man, who was even shielding me in my sleep. I felt completely safe and happy with him. But I didn't know what was holding me back besides the fact he was sleeping. Eventually I closed my eyes and buried my face in James's covered chest which smelled amazing. That woke him up. He groaned, but assumed I was sleeping so he brought me closer to his body and held me with both arms. I felt so content. I looked up at him to see him looking down at me.

"Good morning." I whispered. James smiled sweetly.

"Morning." He whispered back. He stared into my eyes which seemed to feel like he was stealing my soul. I would've let him do that too.

Before either of us could control our urge, we in sync, stretched and rested our lips on one another's. Sparks. I couldn't explain it in any other way, which I didn't want to. His sweetness couldn't be explained in any other way, but his passion for me was being shot off like fireworks from his mouth to mine. The fireworks traveled from my lips to my entire body. His hands kept their position and I felt mine going up his face. He then shifted and laid me on my back without removing his lips. His heavily formed muscles hovered above my body and kept us at a safe distance.

"I've been waiting to do that since I met you." James whispered breathless with his lips centimeters away from mine. His eyes entertained mine more than anything I had ever been consumed with. I smiled.

"I've been waiting for you to do that just as long as you have." I whispered. He smiled happily then leaning close and kissing my lips softly and sweetly only once. Oh, how I yearned for more though. This kiss was different than my kiss with Kendall. This was something completely new. I didn't feel like I wanted to stop, there was no guilt. Even thinking about him now, comparing the kisses, I didn't want to stop kissing James when I knew I had hesitated while thinking of James while kissing Kendall.

"What are you doing today?" James asked then laying down next to me. I smiled thinking, but then immediately panicked. Work. I shot straight up, looked at the clock. Eight thirty. I had to get there in thirty minutes.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna be late!" I freaked out and ran out of bed. James got up and then helped me find an outfit as I showered. When I got out in my robe James had an outfit laid out for me which wasn't bad whatsoever for a guy to put together. He had grabbed a lace cut out orange shirt, black tank top for underneath, black flared jeans, and black and white striped slip on shoes. I smiled at him.

"Thank you so much." I told him walking up to him and giving him a kiss, feeling quite confident for being straight out of the shower, no hair done or any makeup. He smiled and then gestured to get dressed as he shut my door behind him. I got dressed and then slapped on some makeup as quickly as I could. I put mousse in my hair leaving it in the wet wavy state it was in. I grabbed my name tag and then was opening my door to see James feeding Oliver. I felt my heart swell. He was perfect.

"I'm good." James said looking at me up and down as I walked down the hall.

"Well, yeah. I didn't expect you to know women's fashion as well as you obviously do." I told him. He shrugged then looked at the clock on the stove.

"We better go now. We'll go through Starbucks drive thru to get you something to eat and drink." James said grabbing my purse and phone. "Oh, who was that on the phone this morning?" James asked handing them to me as I felt as though we were so natural together.

"Just Carlos. He and Lex wanted me to stop by last night, but he understood once I said I didn't want to drive in that rain or have you drive me in that rain." I said, only sort of lying, walking through the kitchen and into the entryway. James slipped on some shoes and then we were out the door. We got into James's car as I gave him the key to my apartment off of my keys.

"Just drop it off at work later." I smiled at him. He raised an eyebrow in confusion as he held it up between us. "So you can get your wet clothes?" I asked trying to clarify this for him. He smirked then and nodded.

"You're trusting me with your only key?" He asked smugly. I nodded with a shrug. He smiled and then put it on his keys.

"Wow, I already got a key to your place after the first day date?" He asked pulling out of the parking lot. I rolled my eyes pulling down the visor as putting on some lip gloss. James watched from the corner of his eye.

"Like what you see?" I asked him feeling quite sassy and bold. He scoffed.

"You think lip gloss is all it takes to turn me on?" James asked. I raised my eyebrow and fixed my piercings in the mirror. Then turned to face his and leaned over the middle console and made a puckered face at him.

"I don't know, is that all that takes to turn you on?" I asked seductively. James chuckled and pointed to his cheek as I kissed it. He then grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it.

"You're all it takes to turn me on." He whispered keeping a hold of my hand. I blushed to a Rosey pink color. This was way different than when Kendall had said he'd follow me up to my apartment. Why was it so different for me? We pulled up to Starbucks when I had fifteen minutes to get to work. I got a Venti Java Chip Frappecino, a little sandwich thing, and James ordered a Venti Americano.

We got to my work in five minutes. I still had ten so I ate in the car as James started saying he knew of affordable apartments in a better neighborhood. He sounded like Carlos the first day I called him up and he discovered where I lived.

"James, I can't afford to live anywhere else." I told him slightly irritated. He sighed.

"You can't afford to live where you do now either. I mean, it's just you and Oliver. You don't even have a dog to warn you of a break in." James said making a liable point. I shook my head.

"There's nothing I can do. I can either live on my own how I prefer, or I'd have to get a better apartment with a roommate and I'd rather not have to share with someone. I'm not a sharing person when it comes to my personal space." I said watching the clock like a hawk. James smirked.

"You were in my personal space this morning." He joked. I rolled my eyes and pushed him making him laugh. "But seriously, you're a gorgeous woman, living alone. I'm going to worry about you now." He said quietly. I nodded.

"I know. But I'm not college educated. This job is all I have right now and it doesn't pay very well. But it's either live alone and be barely scraping by happily, or be unhappy with a roommate, or the ultimate possibility is moving back home with my family." I said because I had thought of it once or twice. James shook his head to that offer as he knew it was out of state and I wouldn't be in LA anymore if I did that.

"I'll help you if you need." He said taking my hand. I was shocked but also very insulted. He only meant the best though so I calmed my anger at the subject.

"No. It's okay. I've made it this long, I'll be fine." I told him as the clock now said eight fifty eight. "I've gotta go." I smiled, opening the door and then getting my hand pulled back. My head jerked back as his hands caressed my face gently. Our lips collided and made my heart flutter.

"I'll be here to give you a ride home. I'll give you your key then." James whispered then giving me another kiss. I smiled blushing brightly I'm sure.

"Alright." I told him grabbing my drink and rushing into work. I felt his eyes on me until I entered the building. My manager looked worried seeing me this morning.

"I thought you were going to be late! I thought you were hit by something in the storm." He said with his Spanish accent very prominent today. I giggled.

"I'm fine." I assured him.

"I called you a minute ago, did you lose your phone?" He asked worried again. I giggled and shook my head. Then I remembered I had turned it off last night.

"It was just off." I told him. He nodded and went back to stocking shelves.

"What do we want to listen to this morning, Liz?" My manager asked as he usually played records from where I sat behind the counter. I thought a moment and offered to play my own music. Something girly came on and made me think about James. 'Holding Out For a Hero' by Ella Mae Bowen from the Footloose soundtrack came on and made me smile.

"Eh! I like this song." He said doing a little slow dance tango thing. I giggled. I grabbed my phone and turned it on after putting my stuff under the counter. I immediately got texts from Kendall and Carlos. Shit, Kendall! I had a 'date' with him at his concert. I groaned.

Kendall: Hey, Liz! So I figured we could hang before the concert. If you wanted, you could get to the Twisted Theater at like 6:30? I could show you around then so you won't get lost during the show ;)

I sighed and then scrolled down to continue reading all the messages he sent.

Kendall: Hey, so it's a hour by hour basis thanks to the flash flood warnings. Text me when you wake up so we can plan accordingly.

Kendall: The concert was cancelled. The theater flooded and so they're gonna have to pump out like three feet of water. But hey, we can still do something if you want! :)

I felt my heart ache as I finished reading that. I groaned and put my head to the counter. Everything felt great this morning. James and I shared our first kiss. It was probably the best thing I had ever done and we just continued to do that as though it were normal. I didn't feel strange like I did when kissing Kendall. But Kendall was so sweet. He was the sweetest man, and he sang me the song. He had the rocker sex appeal that I was drawn to, yet, anytime I was with him, I thought of James. But, when I was with James, I also thought of Kendall. Given, usually it was just to compare the two when I was with James as he made me forget anyone else really existed. But was that fair to Kendall?

"Hey, Liz, what's wrong?" Luis, my manager, asked. I groaned into the counter top.

"Why are guys all of a sudden all over me?" I mumbled lifting my head and bringing my phone back to my face. I then read Carlos's messages.

Carlos: Hey, Kendall's getting worried since you're not answering him? I told him you lost cell service at the end of our call last night because of the storm. He thinks you're home sleeping...

Carlos: Lizzi? I'm worried about you, call me!

"You have boys after you?" Luis asked me. I snorted with a sudden distaste for how uncertain my life was suddenly.

"To say the least, yes. Two want to date me, one is just a friend." I said as Luis nodded. "We had a date tonight, well one of them and I did, and it was cancelled because it was a concert and the place where it was going to be was flooded last night. But now the other one spent the night last night at my place because of the storm, and so we are really close and we've been on a day long date while I haven't with the other one." I explained trying to dumb it down enough for him to understand in both his man and English as a second language sort of way. Luis nodded following along pretty well which made me proud of him in a sense.

"You sleep with boy who slept over?" He asked with his hand on his hip from where he stood with his back towards the vinyl records. I shook my head as I knew he meant sex.

"Actually sleeping, yes." I explained further. He nodded understanding.

"Now, which one kissed you first?" He asked with a raised eyebrow. Oh, I was not going to bring up the whole Logan thing either, poor Luis would be so confused.

"The one I had the date with tonight, Kendall." I told him.

"Go with other boy. He no pressure you to do bad things last night, he take you on date before you kiss yes?" He asked me for clarity as I nodded. "Other made you kiss before first date, no good." He said slamming his hand on the counter as if he cracked some code.

"James." I smiled sadly telling him of the beautiful being I was falling for. "He is sweet, kind, protective even, and funny, gosh he's funny," I smiled to myself remembering all the laughs I shared with him as we've gotten to know each other. But then Kendall came back into my mind. "But Kendall is sweeter, just as kind, but he sang me a song and it was heart melting. He checks up on me a lot, to make sure I'm okay." I said getting more frustrated as I continued. I groaned dramatically. Luis nodded with a sigh.

"Sounds hard." He said. I nodded putting my hand under my chin.

"You can count on that." I said taking a dramatic deep breath.

"I say boy you no sleep with. He shows more respect." Luis said. Then I remembered James did defend me at the movies yesterday. Kendall and I stayed in though, how did I know he wouldn't have defended me in the same situation?

"Luis, help me." I pleaded and dramatically threw myself on the counter with my face pressed against it. Luis walked over, patted my arm splayed out on the counter, and simply walked away. I groaned frustrated again. I then knew I needed to text Kendall back.

Me: I'm so sorry about the concert! I was looking forward to it and seeing you! I was caught in the rain last night, and now I feel pretty sick to my stomach. Would you hate me if I took a rain check for hanging out tonight? I need to catch up on sleep to get over this sickness so I'm ready for work in the morning.

A few minutes later he answered.

Kendall: I'm sorry to hear that! I totally understand. We can always go on our first date another time. ;) Text me if you need anything.

I groaned at how understanding he was when I clearly rejected him for tonight. Guilt overcame me suddenly as I needed to talk to someone, not Luis, about this.

"Luis, I have to make a call." I called out to him through the store.

"Alright! Outside." Luis instructed as if I hadn't known to go outside to make a personal call as he always instructed. I clicked Carlos's name and it called him as I pushed the front doors open and stepped to the side of the entrance. I eyed the parking spot James had parked in this morning as Carlos' phone rang in my ear.

"Hey! What happened?!" Carlos asked confused and worried.

"I kissed James. Felt like I was on cloud nine, then I get brought back to reality when I am faced with the sweetness that is Kendall Schmidt. I'm even more confused." I said leaning against the building and looking at the damp concrete at my feet.

"Why? When did you kiss him?" Carlos asked not getting it.

"I kissed him this morning." I told him sounding a tad guilty. Carlos cleared his throat.

"I called you at like three in the morning, and he was still there? Liz, don't tell me you..." He started to allude to more than what happened.

"No! Carlos!" I practically shouted over the phone before I calmed my voice and sighed. "I didn't sleep with him. He and I were at the beach, but the rain was horrible so we came back to my place, watched movies, and literally fell asleep. This morning we kissed. That's all, I swear." I told him annoyed I had to defend myself like this. Carlos groaned now sounding like me.

"Great, and now Kendall said he wants to hang out because you're 'sick'?" Carlos asked implying the air quotes to the word. I could see him visibly using air quotations with his hands as he questioned me.

"Carlos, please. I just don't know how to get James out of my apartment and then get away to go hang out with Kendall." I told him frustrated. He sighed understanding my dilemma and why I had to lie to Kendall.

"Fine, but you better figure out what the hell you're going to do, because you can't lead on Kendall just to be with James all the time." Carlos reiterated as I felt bad for putting him in the middle of all this. These were his friends we were dealing with, it wasn't fair for Carlos to be in the middle of everything. I rolled my eyes though as I felt like he was also reprimanding me.

"I know, okay?! God, should've called Lex instead." I mumbled annoyed. She would've been calmer about this, she had been the other night.

"Hey! She's not the one hanging out with your date reject tonight." Carlos reminded him.

"I know, I know. Thank you again, but I should get back to work." I said then as I hung up. I walked back inside to an empty shop since Luis usually stocks and then watches telenovelas in his office. I sat behind the counter until customers came in. The day passed quicker than I had hoped, and with a lot more people than usual.

"Hey, are you outside?" I had called James as I neared the end of my shift.

"Yeah, it's kinda pouring out just so you know." He said over the phone. I could hear the rain on his car.

"Really? I work in a building where the front wall is completely glass." I said sarcastically smiling at his warning even though I could visibly see the rain falling hard outside. James laughed over the mic piece.

"I don't know what you do inside there." He defended himself sassily. "Hey, want me to pull around to the entrance?" He asked sincerely. I smiled and could see his car outside in a familiar spot as always.

"Please?" I asked sweetly. He immediately backed out of the space he was in and drove around to the sidewalk in front of the store. I hung up our call and darted out the door. He opened the door for me from the inside and I hoped in. I slammed the door as I was wet again.

"Why is it that only when I'm with you, the rain happens?" I asked James breathless from my little sprint. He smirked as he looked me over.

"Because we're a force of nature." He teased with a raised eyebrow, looking so good as he was leaning over to give me a kiss. I let him of course. His lips were soft, but oh so delicious.

"You smell really good." I said as he started to drive again as I situated myself in his passenger seat. He half smiled, but then winked to me with a slight look in my direction.

"Thank you. I showered." James joked. I giggled.

"I would hope you shower." I responded playfully.

"So, what are your plans for tonight?" James asked nonchalantly. I thought a moment, forgetting my entire day's worth of panic and thoughts being with James.

"Well, I was suppose to go to a concert, but it was cancelled due to the storm yesterday, and quite frankly, I wouldn't have gone in this weather anyway." I said relaxing into the seat. James nodded, looking a little strained as he gripped the steering wheel.

"Kendall's concert?" James asked quietly. Shit, I thought. I nodded reluctantly.

"Yeah, he had invited me on Saturday, but it was cancelled due to flooding." I said as if Kendall had asked me as a friend, which it was as a first date of sorts. James nodded, but then was quiet.

"What's wrong?" I asked him after a few moments. He shrugged looking forward at the windshield that had water pouring down on it as we came to a stop at a stop light. The water reflected the red of the lights as they shone brightly in the grey skies of the LA atmosphere.

"Are you," James paused, stammering slightly as he tried to word his question correctly. "I mean, do you have feelings for him?" James asked nervously, still not looking over to me. I could see the hurt in his eyes. I closed my eyes no longer wanting to see that look and sighed.

"I don't know." I breathed. "All of a sudden, you guys show up in my life and you sweep me off my feet, James, and Kendall is sweet. I've never had this attention in my life before. I don't know if my feelings for Kendall are just, excitement over some guy finally paying attention to me, or if they're real or what." I whispered about to burst into tears from coming clean to James. I had my eyes closed as I squeezed them shut, trying to block the tears from falling. I spoke so much easier to James.

"Is that how you feel towards me too?" James asked sounding genuinely hurt as well. I opened my eyes to look at him, seeing he had watery eyes. Tears escaped my lids then as I took a shaky breath.

"No." I whispered honestly shaking my head. "You, James," I breathed a laugh. "You are different than anyone I've ever met in my life." I stated feeling my chest heave to catch a breath. Why couldn't I just come out and tell Kendall this in person too? James seemed to be taking it okay. He was also James though, he appeared to be a little more emotionally strong compared to Kendall. Kendall had a very sweet, gentle heart.

"You are different than any girl I've met and I just want you in my world. If that has to be as friends so you can be happy with Kendall, I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you." James informed me softly and grabbed my hand, curling his fingers around mine. He sounded very hurt. I felt my heart breaking in this moment and my tears fell harder than ever. I was causing them both to hurt. Kendall would be heartbroken over me choosing James. James was heartbroken by my guilt for what I was doing to Kendall. This was all too much and so sudden.

"I can't. I can't do this anymore." I whispered through cries. I didn't like this. I wasn't the girl who cried over boys. I never wanted to be that girl, ever in all my life. I didn't like feeling so vulnerable so suddenly. The car slowed down it felt like, and we were pulled over onto the side of the road.

"Calm down, Liz." James instructed, holding my hands in his. I did as he said and opened my eyes. James kissed my forehead sweetly, leaning over and then staring into my eyes. "I think, it'd be best if you and I stopped kissing completely, and hugging so often. Just until you come to terms with what you want, okay?" James said trying to help me. I nodded feeling like that was a good start. "I'm going to drop you off, I'm going to go home. You're going to do whatever you want. I will always be here, okay?" James asked staring me in the eyes. His lashes looked as if they had crystals falling off them when I knew he was in fact tearing up. I nodded, my guilt crumbling in on me. He let go of me completely then, with a single look back at me, he had such longing his his electric eyes, and eventually pulled back onto the road. The ride was the longest I've ever had with James. The silence was killing me, but was necessary.

James dropped me off with a simple 'Goodnight, Liz'. And then he was gone after placing my key in my palm before he folded my fingers around it. I had my key in my hand and couldn't stand it. I ran up the stairs and into my apartment. I laid on my bed for a moment or two, and then realized I needed to know what I wanted. I reached for my phone and dialed Kendall's number.

"Hey." Kendall answered sweetly.

"Hey Kendall." I answered sounding upset. He heard it as well.

"You okay?" He asked concerned. I smiled at my ceiling remembering this morning with James.

"No. I'm not. I'm really not." I answered bursting into tears. "What are you doing right now?" I asked him probably barely audible.

"I'm worried about you. But I'm getting ready to go to Lexi and Carlos's house. What's wrong?" He asked about to offer to come to me anyway.

"Can you cancel your plans? Please? You and I need to talk. Can I come over?" I asked sniffling at my question.

"Yeah, of course. Come on over. I'll call Carlos." Kendall said sounding sure. He was a really good guy. I closed my eyes feeling pain in my chest and then hung up. Getting my things once again, I headed down to my car where the rain was pouring harder than ever.

I got in my car, soaked, and started it. Then Carlos's name came up on my phone. "Hello?" I asked still upset.

"What are you doing now?" Carlos asked disappointed in me. I felt sadness sweep over me at the tone of his voice.

"Figuring out what I want." I whispered crying. Carlos was silent for a moment taking in my voice.

"What happened?" He asked caringly as I was certain he realized he had been a little harsh just now.

"James needs me to figure out what I want. I need that for me too. And for Kendall. He needs to know what's happening too." I told Carlos as I was sure this was what needed to happen. It had been one hell of a weekend, I'd give myself that. I never fell so hard so fast before. This was insane, and yet they all were falling for me at the same pace it seemed. Why was it going so quickly?

"Be safe. Don't do anything crazy. Call me for anything. If I don't hear from you tonight or tomorrow morning by seven, I will call your boss or I will come over to your home ready to kick down the door." He said sounding as if he was joking, but I knew he wasn't. He genuinely cared for me as a friend.

"Okay." I said turning on to Kendall's apartment complex's road.

"Good luck, honey." Carlos said with a sad voice. I choked a sob.

"Thank you, Carlos." I whispered hanging up the phone.

I found a place to park and felt as if I was going into battle. I got out and walked slowly into the building. The rain fell on me, but I didn't care. It was like I had been under the shower head in my clothes, that's how damp I was. The elevator took it's time coming to the lobby as I stood staring numbly at the numbers light up as it descended to my level, opening its doors before me, and then I was in. I hit floor six and waited. The doors separated and there was Kendall leaning against the wall across from the elevator opening. As I saw him in his hoodie, skinny jeans, and skater shoes, I wanted to run away, but I knew I couldn't. I walked out of the elevator as Kendall stood up straight. I swallowed my dignity and went in for a hug. I immediately started crying into his chest. He simply held me.

"Shhhh. It's okay." Kendall whispered into my hair after ten minutes. His arms held me tightly and protectively. I pulled away from the hug and grabbed his hand to have him follow me to his couch. We sat silently.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked, caring about my answer after a moment of silence. I shook my head. Kendall's hand then was on my cheek and his thumb wiped away my tears.

"I am confused, Kendall." I answered quietly not needing for him to kiss me right now to really fuck with me.

"Confused?" He asked with a furrowed brow. I nodded sadly. He sat a moment. "About?" He asked then. I sniffed and looked him in the eyes. He cared. He genuinely cared.

"I have feelings for you." I said. He nodded, his eyes brightening at the confession, but the confusion still there as I was clearly upset. "I also have feelings for someone else." I whispered, wanting to bury myself alive. Kendall stared at me as if I had just confessed to killing my own mother, but then looked away sadly.

"James." Kendall whispered knowingly.

"How-how did you know?" I asked him, as he hadn't known about our day long adventure turned sleep over. Kendall laughed sadly.

"Friday night, I saw you walk in with him. I saw how you looked at him, your arm on his, as he smiled to you. When Lexi introduced us, we were talking, you brought him up. I also saw you leave with him. I knew there was something there, I just, I don't know. I guess I tried to tell myself that you only wanted me." Kendall said holding my hand, forcing his words out as I knew they were painful for him too. His hands were much more gentle than James's. But James's were warmer.

"You knew." I whispered laughing at my stupidity. He nodded staring at the floor.

"Do you know?" He countered then.

"Do I know what?" I asked him. He smiled sadly to me as he looked up through his lashes.

"If you want to be with him or me?" He asked. I shook my head feeling my bottom lip quiver. His sadness was all consuming. His eyes were hurting and I wanted to simply take back what I just said and claim I knew I wanted him. I wanted to be sure for him, but I wasn't. My mind said Kendall, but my heart said James. He nodded understanding. "Well, this is what my advice is to you. You should take as long as you need. You should call me, tell me about your day, but don't come over." He told me. I gave a confused look.

"Why?" I asked him not understanding. He stared at me, moving hair out of my face. I swallowed hard.

"Because, I'll be tempted every moment I'm with you to do this." Kendall whispered leaning close to me. His lips again danced on mine and our lips caressed one another. My heart broke even deeper upon feeling the passion he had for me, the firm yet gentle caress of love his lips felt for mine. He pulled away then. "Call me whenever you need me, okay?" He made sure I knew. I nodded letting another tear fall.

Kendall then stood and offered me a hand. I took it and followed him to the elevator. He put me in it and then gave me a sincere glance before he reached in and pressed for the lobby. As the doors closed, my heart broke completely in two. One piece belonged completely to James while the other one belonged completely to Kendall. Was I wanting them both? Was I lost in the thought of James being too handsome? He wouldn't be into me for long would he? He couldn't. He was the stereotypical attractive man. He was more than I could have imagined in a man. Kendall, he was just as attractive, in a different way. He had a slight edge compared to James, seeming a little more mysterious. Did I think just because Kendall wasn't as stereotypically handsome that he and I would last longer? Was I being serious right now? I was being a judgmental bitch. Everything I hated in the world, was running through my mind. I was judging others by their looks, what society would say they were. I was being the epitome of what I was against in the first place. If James had real feelings for me, then it would be real. His attractiveness wouldn't have a thing to do with being with me, a plus sized girl with a low paying job. Then again, if Kendall's feelings for me were real as well, he and I could last just as long as James and I could, had James been superficial like society always determined men of his looks to be. Maybe Kendall and I wouldn't even work out. I got out of the building without shedding another tear and even made it back home.

I changed into the same pajamas I had on this morning, and regretted that choice. I went back in my room and looked in my closet in the drawers for other pajamas. I couldn't find anything else. My frustration built up and I angrily took it out on my clothing. I ripped my clothes off the hangers and threw them forcefully around my room. One thing or another reminded me of the men I so dearly cared for. Green was the color of Kendall's eyes, blue were the colors of James's pajamas he wore last night and this morning. I sadly slid down my wall with my hands clutching the dress I wore when everything went down hill. That black and floral maxi dress brought back so much of the last few days that I felt my own happiness slipping through my fingers.