Chapter 14

Bianca sits in her room at her vanity, finger combing the curls in her braids and applying mousse to them while she watches a K-drama that's sure to send her blood pressure sky high.

"What in the fuck," she mumbles for the umpteenth time as the bullying of the main character got worse and worse.

A light knock on her half opened door makes her jump, not expecting it.

"Come in," she calls, craning her neck to see Taehyung standing on the other side.

"I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time," he says, noting the deep frowns and the place she held the braid she was working on so she wouldn't lose it.

"Oh no, a good time actually. This drama was about to get on my nerves," she says, making him chuckle and look at the screen, his hands shoved in the pockets of his wide legged jeans.

He wore a white tank, light washed, wide legged jeans, and a cardigan along with a scattering of jewelry on his neck, wrists, and hands. He definitely owns this look as far as she's concerned. She's seen him wear different variations of it and each one looked nothing short of amazing on him, natural even.

"Hey, I liked this one. She's one of my favorite actresses," he says, gesturing to the TV.

"The actors and actresses are great, but the story itself is unrealistic...to me at least—maybe not to you since you live here and all," she says and he tilts his head like a curious cat.

"What's so unrealistic about it?" he asks and she sighs, trying to find a more eloquent way to explain it than what she wanted to say before just saying fuck it, he asked.

"I won't say this level of bullying doesn't happen at all in the US;  I'll say it's very rare, especially where I grew up. Somebody would've handed this girl and her little friends their asses on a silver platter episode one, consequences and rich relatives be damned," she says, making him laugh.

"They would need those rich relatives to pay for their hospital bills," she laughs, pausing the TV.

"I was so not expecting you to say that," he says, shaking his head.

"It's true. America is way too violent to let this type of stuff slide. People fight for fun over there—at school, at work, at church," she says, shaking her head.

Once he sobers, she sees the way his face settles into an expression of sadness.

"What's wrong?" she asks and he sighs, his shoulders dropping.

"I just needed someone to talk to that isn't the guys, but I don't trust anyone else," he says and she nods.

"Of course, have a seat wherever you'd be comfortable," she says, and he sits on the floor, propping himself against the bench at the foot of her bed.

She doesn't know what it is he wants to talk about it, but it's clearly weighing on him; so she's glad he's willing to talk about it—and to her who he trusts either because he knows she won't tell or that she's legally bound not to say anything.

"How do you fall out of love....like how long does it take because it's been almost two years for me and I'm still struggling," he says and she sighs, taking a moment to think about her answer.

"Well, I don't really think the amount of time that passes matters if you don't do the inner work. Falling out of love was fast for me because of trauma I experienced. I transitioned from love to hate with the flip of a switch, so I'd say it depends on why you feel like you have to. You don't have to tell me everything of course, but I need a little more context before I can offer you an significant advice," she says and he nods, running a hand through his messy hair before resting his hands in his lap.

"Four years ago, I fell in love with a friend. She works in the same industry so I just felt like...she gets me you know? She was kind hearted and easy to talk to and before I knew it, I realized I was falling for her. We decided to see where a relationship would go and of course we had to keep it a secret. Over time, we had a few slip ups, but our companies managed to keep things under wraps. She'd get super worried though and I was too, but she would always suggest that we just break up before things got too far gone. I thought it was fear talking, so I'd convince her to stay every time. I told her that if the world did find out about us that she had nothing to worry about with me. If things came down to dire circumstances, I would choose her. Looking back, I don't think she believed me very much, but I did do my best to prove it," he says, stopping to clear his throat.

"The last slip up we had went viral and though it did go away fairly quickly; it wasn't quick enough to stop the speculation. We both got some backlash, but her especially. I felt so bad, but every time I tried to talk to her about it, she'd shut down and stop talking to me for weeks at a time. She cut off all communication with me and for a while, I left her alone thinking she just needed to cool down. It got to the point where I had to see her in person, plus she had my dog at the time. I drove over to her apartment and I knew she was inside but she ignored me until a security guard came and told me I had to leave. Luckily, I stayed out in my car for a few minutes after trying to reach her by phone because next thing I see is Yeontan running down the sidewalk," he says, his jaw clenching as the upset from that particular memory came back.

"Wow," is all Bianca says, imagining that last scene in her head. That was definitely reckless. Anything could have happened to his dog. She could've at least had security bring him down to him.

"Tell me about it," he says, running a hand down his face.

"She did apologize for that and she eventually text me and told me she needed time. Next thing I know, she's going viral for partying and buying a house in California. I poured my whole heart out in a text that I'm not sure was ever read because a few days later, she either blocked me or changed her number. It's just so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is how we left things when we shared two years of our lives together. We loved each other, visited each others homes, met each other's friends and loved ones—and now we're just... Those were some of the best years of my life and now I have to act like they didn't happen. I was willing to give up my career. Even now, I want to talk to her desperately...for closure I guess. Pathetic right?" he says and his voice is raw with fresh hurt and emotion.

"You could never be pathetic for feeling the way you feel. You very obviously love her deeply and you lost that love very suddenly and without a real explanation. Anyone would be upset," she says, settling on the floor beside him and offering a hug that he gladly falls into.

He sobs into her shoulder and she holds him tighter, tears sliding down her own cheeks. She knows what it's like to give someone your all and watch them throw it back in your face like it didn't matter, like you were never nearly as precious to them as they are to you. She can't help but be a little awed by this level of emotion coming from a man nearly two years after being cut off though. From what she's seen, men usually give up a hell of a lot easier than women and by now, most would've cut their losses and moved on without a backwards glance.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have burdened you like this," he says once he pulls back and realizes she's crying too.

"Hush it, you could never burden me. I'm not exactly an emotional pillar because I cry at the drop of a dime, but you needed to let that out," she says, grabbing the box of tissues she kept on her vanity and passing him some before using some herself and tossing them in the little trash can she kept in there.

"I understand why you're hurt and why you have unresolved feelings so much better now. However, I'm going to tell you something my therapist told me. At the time, I thought it was a little harsh, so please don't think that's my intention because looking back, it's something I really needed to hear," she says and he nods, resting his hands in his lap again as he waits for her to speak.

"Though your entitlement to an explanation is valid, your feelings are unresolved because of you, Taehyung. Hear me out. As I understand it, this woman from the beginning suggested you break up multiple times when times got hard, didn't assure you that if things hit the fan that she felt the same way you did about giving everything up—correct me if I'm wrong," she says and he shakes his head, motioning for her to continue.

Don't get her wrong, this woman didn't have to feel the same way he did about throwing her career out the window if things went sour, but she should have communicated whether she felt the same or not.

"She stopped talking to you for weeks because of something out of your control while she had your dog, sent said dog out into danger because she didn't want to see you, told you she needed time and ended up buying a house in another country and allowing herself to be filmed partying there knowing you would see, blocked you or changed her number and hadn't talked to you since," she says and by the time she finishes, Taehyung was slightly cringing.

"Tae, if you read between the lines, those actions tell you everything you need to know. Even if you could, getting her to explain it to you after two years while your emotions are still so raw, it'll only hurt you more or suck you back into the same cycle as before—you convincing her that what you share is worth staying for and her relenting so as to not hurt your feelings, but not feeling the same," she says as gently as possible.

Outside looking in, she could see that this woman may have loved him, but did not value the relationship the same. Whereas he was all in and willing to put his career on the line, it seems that she was not and was terrible at communicating with him about that in fear of hurting his feelings or allowing herself to be coaxed back into the relationship she had grown comfortable with. Bianca can't imagine in any case that it would be easy to leave Taehyung, who seems like an excellent lover. She can tell that his connection to the woman ran deep and that he did all he could to get her to stay. However, you just can't keep people who don't want to be kept, nor can you make them value things the same as you do.

"Back to your initial question, like I said before, you have some inner work to do. It's evident that you hold a lot of guilt and anguish over the breakup. You probably still think about what could've happened had you done certain things differently, but that's to your detriment at the end of the day. In order to let go, you have to stop hyper-focusing on the could've beens and think about what has actually happened. She gave up and you didn't. You can't blame yourself for that. At this point, you have to accept that despite how you felt, somewhere along the lines what you two wanted didn't align. I know it's hard, but you have to stop internalizing those negative feelings associated with your breakup because more often than not, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. My grandma says to this day that if you are giving your all to someone and it's not enough, then you are giving it to the wrong person. You will never not be enough for the right person because they will see you for who you are and appreciate you for it," she says with a little tearful chuckle at the end, thinking of when her grandmother told her those exact words after she told her about what happened between she and Rome.

They both reach for the tissue, brought to tears again and chuckle at themselves after blowing their noses loudly.

"Your grandmother is a wise woman, makes sense why you are as well," he says and she scoffs, waving him off.

"I wouldn't say I'm wise. Two years ago, I had a mental breakdown because I didn't know who I was outside my life with my husband. I'm still learning and evolving, just like you," she says.

"Did you think you needed closure with your ex? Is that why your therapist told you that?" he asks and she nods.

"I did and though I started working on myself first, I did get a better understanding through a letter he sent me. I realized after that knowing the truth in words didn't make a difference in my journey. I knew there was no coming back from this for us regardless," she says and he nods.

"Not even a little part of you was...I don't know, relieved with what he told you?" he asks and she shakes her head.

"No, in essence, he started resenting me because I was more successful than him. He always felt like I had it easier than him because I had a better relationship with my parents and a better childhood. His parents were extremely hard on him, especially his dad. That's something I knew about already but I didn't think it was something he was still holding against me because it was completely out of my control. That and the fact that I ended up making more money than him and getting to travel and actually enjoy my life while he "slaved away" at the hospital were the main reasons he said he started to feel some type of way. He felt like our family and friends respected me more and were more excited about my accomplishments because I got to interact with celebrities. Mind you, I was the one who knew he only wanted to pursue being a doctor to impress his father and encouraged him to choose something he'd actually like only for him to do it anyway and get mad at the world when his father passed two years before he graduated—again, not my fault. I supported him through that, helping him pay off the debt his father left behind in his name. I also helped pay for his last two years of school since his mom couldn't do it alone and his scholarships weren't enough. Even then, I tried to encourage him to change his major to something he'd enjoy more because he struggled his way through the end of the program. I'm sure you can guess who helped him study when that happened too," she sighs, shaking her head.

"What my grandma said rang true for him and I too. I'll spare you the details but there's so much more I did to try to save our marriage before I knew the truth, but none of it made him appreciate me more, or even value me enough to tell me the truth. I found out on my own. I gave him everything and none of it was enough. He was the wrong person," she says with a note of finality, as if she was still telling herself that too.

Tae shakes his head, grabbing one of her hands and squeezing it gently, holding onto it on the carpet between them.

"Are you scared to fall in love again? Do you think you can?" he asks and she purses her lips, twisting them to the side as she pondered on what to say.

"I've had to learn a lot of things about myself and one of those things is that I can't help but be a lover girl. It's just who I am. I do think I can love someone else, but I'm terrified of loving someone else out of fear of getting hurt again and having to start the healing process all over—and   out of fear that I won't be able to love my next partner as freely if that's makes sense. If I'm going to love someone else, I think it's unfair to do so knowing I can't give them my all," she says and he nods, his thumb stroking the back of his hand as he processes what she said.

"I get it, but I don't think that's something you should let deter you once you're ready. I don't think love is all about giving everything you have the time. How will you have any love left over for yourself if you're giving it all to someone else? Let's say that the perfect love requires 50 percent from both partners. Let's also say that you're at 25 percent right now. The right partner will realize that your 25 percent is more pure, special, and worthwhile than anyone else's and happily give another 25 to complete the relationship until you're comfortable giving more," he says and now it's her turn to process.

She understands what he's saying and it makes sense, however she doesn't b believe it can easily apply to her, especially here in Korea.

"I think that that could definitely happen for you when it's time, but for me, I think it's wistful thinking, especially here. I'm a thirty two year old divorcee with enough trauma for a lifetime—not to mention a foreigner who doesn't fit a single standard set here. I'm a Korean parent's worst nightmare. I've never even entertained the thought of finding love here," she confesses, and it saddens him that she feels that way.

"None of that will matter to the right person Noona. It's entirely possible and it's also possible that your person's parents are good people who will love and accept you because of the way you treat their son," he says, but by the way she shakes her head, it's obvious that this isn't a possibility she's willing to accept.

"I appreciate your positivity but—"

Her eyes widen when his lips land on hers and he immediately pulls back, apologetic.

"I'm so sorry. I should've asked first. Can I kiss you again, this time properly?" he asks and she nods slowly, still shocked.

This time, he lifts her chin and tilts his head, placing his lips on hers gently. She closes her eyes and her body relaxes, allowing herself to enjoy it. Much too soon, he pulls back and she opens her eyes to look up at him, biting her lip out of habit. He reaches out and releases it gently with his thumb before kissing her again, his lips feather light against hers before he pulls away completely.

"See, I find you very attractive. Had I met you before her, just as you are—we'd still be together and my parents would love you," he says and she releases a long breath.

"All the right person wants is someone to love who loves them in return. Clearly, we both have a lot of healing to do and we don't have to be that to each other, especially right now—but you shouldn't deny yourself the possibility before you ever try," he says and she nods, still too shocked to speak.

"Thank you for tonight. I have an early morning, so I should get to bed.  If you ever need me, my door is open," he says, placing a kiss on her cheek.

She doesn't feel like she exhaled fully until he was gone, traces of his scent the only proof that he'd been there. She reaches up to touch her tingling lips and sighs, feeling a tiny piece of her has healed with what she shared tonight.