Chapter Twelve

My entire body freezes. Why the hell did I think I could get away with crying up here? Obviously someone would realize I wasn't there. I don't work or associate with complete and utter morons.

I work and associate with the best people I could ever ask to.

But I do know who is on the other side of that door. He's using that calm, quiet, soft voice he uses when he knows I'm upset. He uses my nickname. The nickname he gave me.

I get up and walk over to the door. It doesn't lock, so I don't get why he didn't come in here immediately.

Oh wait, yes I do. Everyone except him would wait for an invitation. Because he was my partner for nine years. He knows exactly how I operate.

"Yeah?" I croak out, my voice cracking and becoming airy.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

I take two full strides back. "Yes," I say.

And enters the one and only Elliot Stabler. Why he isn't with his kids when his time is extremely limited? That confuses me. If he needed to thank me, he could have done it through Cragen. That would've been enough for me. It's the worst way, I guess, but I settle. I always settle, but never admit it. Until this moment. But I push it from my head, focusing on what I'm supposed to not be staring at.

"What?" I ask. I sound so tired, possibly even annoyed.

"What's up?" he asks. Not casually, but sincerely.

He closes the cribs's door and walks closer. I step back.

"Just...came up here to work some thoughts about a case. Too noisy in the sitting area out there by the balcony. So...I came in here."

"Bull. Shit. Liv," he announces. I startles me.

"Fine, then why am I up here, huh?"

"Because you wanted to give me time with my kids. You wanted to make sure I stayed with them for as long as possible because for some reason, you don't need a goodbye from me. Or a thank you. Or anything."

"I don't. I'm doing this because it's court ordered," I snap. Which isn't true. That is quite possibly the worst lie I've ever told.

"Oh, Liv," he says, sensing my pain.

His arms are open and I'm sobbing into them within two seconds. I don't know, truly, why I'm sobbing. Maybe I am just so tired. Maybe I haven't cried in so long I just needed to.

I feel his strength, which makes me feel weak, which makes me feel disgusted with myself and I instantly push away, wiping my eyes. He pulls me right back to him.

"I'm fine, El."

"Like hell, you are," he says into my hair.

I feel his hands running up and down my back, through my hair. Nobody makes me feel safe like this. Nobody. I feel protected, even, though he's the one who needs the protection. Which I can't promise him. That thought makes me cry more.

"What's going on, Liv?" he whispers.

"Nothing. I just...I need a break."

"You're gonna get one."

"When? We need to get Marcos and I don't even know if that's gonna happen. I promised all those kids I would get him and get you back to them but I can't even do that. He got away with your murder."

"I'm not dead. I'm not unhappy about that."

"But-"

"Liv," he says, even softer, pulling back. I never let him see me cry, so I shut purse my lips and look away. He doesn't need to see me like this.

He tries again, touching my cheek, but I yell, "No!" and pull away more. "No. Go be with your kids."

"They saw me already. I'll see them again. Right now, I need to talk to you."

"Any apology or thank you can be said through Cragen. I understand the-"

"No, Cragen doesn't get to talk for me," he scolds. "I need to say it. I need you to know how much I appreciate all this you did. You didn't even have to. You got the kids to stay in school. None of them are doing drugs or drinking. They're the way I left them. Perfectly perfect any healthy. The older girls are fine. Living together in an apartment you helped them get. They make more than enough to support the home. You love them like they're your own and they love you right back. Nobody could do that for me. Except you."

Every word hits me in my heart, filling me with joy and sadness, all at the same time. I'm still not their mother. Their father is still not allowed to see them, except this once. I'm still never enough, even if nobody admits it, even to themselves.

I was alone before this whole charade and I'll be alone after it. Oddly enough, I'm okay with that. As long as that family gets back together. As best as possible.

I nod at him, still looking away and ready to backing up. When I realize there's no more room to back up, I recalculate and decide to go around him, out to the squadroom. Just because I feel the urge to touch him, I push him a little as I step beside him.

When my skin touches his, I feel him grab me and pull me back again. This time, however, he does it with his lips.

I tense up again, this sensation all new to me. This man is not supposed to love me. Or even like me like this for that matter. He's my - I mean, he was my - my work partner. He's marri - was married. He has kids with that woman. He's the one he fell in love with. The love of his life. You only get one of those. Who knows if I'll ever find mine. But he found his, all those years ago.

When he realizes I'm not reacting, he pulls away a little. "Now would be the time to slap me in the face or yell at me, 'no,'."

But I can't do that. I love him. I've loved him for a very long time. This is just so...different. My comfort zone was is riding around in a patrol car for nine years. This is new.

I shake my head and pull myself closer, leaning my head onto his shoulder. He allows, his lips leaving kisses on my forehead.

"Talk to me, Liv. What's going on in your head?"

So many things.

I shake my head. "I don't know," is my answer.

"Yes you do. What is it?"

I try to come up with a way to say what I'm thinking as concisely as possible. "I can't be your rebound," I blurt.

He takes that in, looking me over with those crystal eyes that make me melt. "You're not a rebound."

I shake my head, really needed to not be touched right now, but I can't pull myself from his grasp. "Bu-"

"Liv, if you were a rebound, it wouldn't have taken me this long after Kathy to come to you. It would have been immediate."

I still don't want to believe him. I'm alone. That's how it's always been. For a long time, I was okay with it. Letting people in is not something I do.

"It wasn't anyone's fault she died, Liv. I've accepted it. I know it could have been stopped, but I've accepted it. But those kids need some sort of motherly figure. You've more than willingly accepted that role."

"Because I-"

"Bullshit. It's because you wanted to. Because you love those kids so much you wouldn't let them end up on the streets or as foster kids or-"

"They would have then gone to your mother or Kathy's parents! All of which were more suitable than me!" I begin to fight back.

"They didn't want to leave. Switching schools, leaving friends, moving away from their sisters. No, they did not want that. They love you."

I want to deny that too, but I know it isn't true. I look away and say, "You're running out of time with them."

"I'll only be gone a few more days. Only until arraignment."

"They're making you testify?" I ask.

He nods. "Then I have all the time in the world for my kids."

"Are you coming back here? To SVU?"

"Is that seriously a question?"

I smile. Nearly let my tears fall, but I'm smiling.

I'm still wrapped in his embrace, but I'm more relaxed now.

"I'm going to kiss you," he whispers.

"You didn't give me a warning the first time. Why now?"

"Why not?"

"Fear of rejection?" I question.

"Like I've been saying for the past five minutes, bull."

And with that, his lips are on mine again.

His calloused hands graze my cheeks, my neck, and rest against my hips. I hold onto his arms, praying this isn't fake.

Just then, the door opens.