Chapter Nine

I inch up on the balls of my feet and now have the ability to share his air.

I feel the tiniest of touches on my lips before a car horn makes both of us jump.

I laugh awkwardly, stepping back. "I guess that's my cue."

"See you in court, I guess."

I nod and hurry out, down the porch steps to the car.

"What happened?" Dickie asks from the passenger seat.

"Nothing," I lie. Like they believe that.

"Just be happy she isn't depressed looking anymore," I hear from the backseat.

"Depressed?" I ask.

"Yeah," Lizzie answers.

Silence.

"Wanna expand on that...at all?" I ask.

"Liv, you have been seriously out of it for a while now. Probably since you found out Dad wasn't dead."

"Why would I be sad about that? It's-"

"Well for one, you instantly had three kids all to yourself. Then you didn't," Dickie explains. "Then Children Services decided to be an asshole."

"That was Tucker but yes, I get the point."

"And then," Dickie continues, "you saw it was hard on us and you blamed yourself."

I remain quiet. Even 14 year olds can figure me out. I've never been that transparent.

"Well, it's almost over."

I still feel upset about that, but it's definitely gonna be better for me once I don't have as much responsibility. Sounds terrible when I say it like that, but still. I'm not competent enough for such things.

Cragen lets me take the twins home and have the night off. For dinner, I make them Mac and cheese because for some reason, that sounds fantastic.

And they agree by the way the pot is empty within a half hour.

Both of the twins are sitting, arguing over what show to watch as I'm putting Eli to bed. After his bath, I dress him. Snuggling him close, I realize he's missed a lot of parental needs because of me. I don't read to him. I don't sing to him. I don't even have these little moments with him anymore.

I assume the twins do none of this as well, when they have to watch him.

I find a book on the floor near Eli's crib, and sit down. After a quiet read about saying goodnight to every god forsaken thing in existence, I put Eli in his crib. Just after kissing his head, of course.

The twins are still struggling for control of the remote, so I decide to sit between them and take the button-filled contraption.

"Hey!"

"What the hell!?"

"Watch the language," is all I say to them. My thumb clicks a couple buttons and then I snuggle down, letting the twins get pissed.

"I was watching something," Lizzie sasses me. She says it with some sarcasm, but I know she'd be joking anyways.

"No, I was watching something," Dickie says.

"Well, now we are watching something," I tell them.

"Well as long as it isn't those reality shows you like. Pawn Stars is far better."

"Christly Knows Best is way more funny. And that makes it better."

"It's stupid and fake."

I see some future attorneys over here.

After we finally agree on a channel - a channel that happens to have just started playing a movie - they calm down. Lizzie makes popcorn, however, and they can't agree on putting M&Ms in it or not.

"How about you split it into two bowls?" I recommend.

"You can pick the M&Ms out," Lizzie says, ignoring me.

"They contaminate the popcorn anyways!"

To end their constant badgering, I get up and grab another bowl, throwing it in Dickie's lap.

"Good?" I ask.

"Fine."

"Whatever."

When the movie is almost over, I look over to see the twins asleep, empty bowls in their laps.

I take them and put them away, but let the twins sleep on the couch. I don't feel like waking them. And carrying them? Nope.

Just as I'm about to roll into bed, I check my phone. A text from Elliot has been waiting.

"Kiss the baby goodnight for me."

I go to Eli's crib and do just as he requests. The baby is sound asleep, but I've learned he doesn't wake up unless he has to. Picking him up and holding him close is no reason for him to stir, and he doesn't.

I text Elliot back, "Done" and then go to sleep.

When I wake, a message is waiting for me. "Thank you. For everything."

I smile as I push my covers off, going to Eli to feed him.

"No!" he screeches to me when I put bananas on a plate for him.

"Yes!" I say back.

"No!"

Am I seriously arguing with someone in a high chair?

"Eat," I say sternly, then walk away.

"Wivvie! No!"

Wivvie. Even he knows how to get me to crack. He's not even two.

"Fine. What do you want? Peaches?"

I take his plate away and put different food in front of him. He actually eats this. Thank god.

By the time I have him cleaned up, the twins are awake. How do I know?

"Ew, your feet smell!"

"Well so do your feet!"

I roll my eyes, remembering I didn't bother to get them off the couch last night.

"Liv, what the hell?" I hear Lizzie ask as she stands up.

"You two fell asleep..."

"You could've woken me up! I did not like sleeping next to him like that!"

"As if I enjoyed it? She took all the blankets!" Dickie says.

"Well, if you were awake enough to realize that, you were awake enough to go in your room." I smirk as they roll their eyes.

My eyes shift to the clock.  "Lucy should be here soon," I say. "Gotta run."

They nod and I accept their hugs.

"Be careful," Dickie tells me.

"I always am," I reply. It hurts a little that usually it's me and his father that usually have that exchange.

I leave and hurry to my car. As soon as I start it up, my phone rings.

"Benson," I say as I answer.

"Don't go to the precinct. We have a possible kidnap of one of our girls just south of you."

"On it," I say.

I turn on the secret lights and sirens to my car and speed my way through streets, following Cragen's directions.

When I get the car into an alley, I stop and get out.

I know there's backup behind me so I don't hesitate to take my gun and walk up to the car.

"Keep both hands on the wheel!" I yell as I open the door. Inside, I see the perp doing as I say but no woman.

"Where's the girl?!"

He stays quiet, al I hit him with my gun.

"Where's. The. Girl?!"

With that he tries to take off, but I have him pinned to a wall in seconds.

"Trying to run again, huh?" I ask as I cuff him. Fin showed up at some point, so he's here to help me.

"She's not in the trunk!" Fin yells.

I slam the piece of garbage into the wall, hard, again. "Where the hell is she?!"

"Dead. Somewhere in the Hudson River."

I look to Fin who looks back at me. Did we really lose another?

I slam his face directly into the brick wall once more before shoving him into a cop car.

I want this guy to go through hell. As soon as I'm back to the precinct, I make my way to the interrogation room where he's being held. Just before I go in, Cragen stops me.

"You're not going in."