31. Is It Just Me?

"Are you crying in the shower like a freak with only cigarettes for company? Are you crying in a shower like a freak? Or is it just me?"- Is It Just Me? by Emily Burns

•••

People parted. Weeks passed. Bright and Win met again after a month since the last time they bumped into each other. Behind everyone's eyes, there was nothing to hide anymore. No text. No call. That was the amount of space that they were giving to each other.

And others were questioning themselves whether their eyes playing them. The relationship had changed. Only idiots were not aware that Bright and Win were drifted apart. How many times people dare themselves to ask if they broke up and the answer was always "No" from both Bright and Win.

Because they did not break up.

But they did not talk.

But one's eyes could only stare at another one when another one was not looking.

But they would finish their business as soon as possible when they were in the same place.

"I'm done, P'Eed." Win said after changing his clothes. He had to go from the dressing room immediately or he would feel wretched being in the same place with Bright. He tried not to turn his face to his boyfriend.

The undisturbed exterior that was shown by Bright caused Win mess. He wondered what his heart beating so fast was for. If he exploded on the spot, what would he do or say to Bright.

Eed told Win that they were ready to go. Win got out of the room right away without noticing a pair of eyes watching him.

The owner of those eyes was a man. He sighed heavily while glancing at another man sitting beside him, playing with his phone, while his hair styled by the stylist.

"Is Win still your boyfriend?" The owner of those eyes asked.

Bright exhaled heavily. This was not the first time Foei giving him the same question. "The answer is still the same, Phi."

"You didn't greet each other," Foei pointed out the most obvious thing. "When was the last time yo-"

"We are just busy."

Foei nodded, pretended to believe Bright's reason before he continued, "That's a big bullshit you told me just now."

Bright did not defend himself or admitted anything. He turned his head to the door which had been closed. He stared as his mind visualizing Win opening the door and disappeared.

"Phi, it's been a while since the last time I went to bar. Should we go tonight?"

Foei laughed at the request. "Just admit it that you are quarelling and affected mentally. You stubborn kid!"

•

Another week had gone by. Or not. Which one was moving? The time or human?

Once, Neale Donald Walsch had said, "It is you who are moving, not time. Time has no movement. Time is simply your way of counting movements."

That was what Win doing the whole month. Moving. He kept himself involved in many activities so he was not able to be bothered by how long he had been away from Bright.

Win was stuck. He smiled but he was dead inside. Moreover, time was not on his side, especially tonight when he had to attend a wedding party of one senior staff. He arrived late but his eyes could directly spot where his beloved one was even when he did not intend to. In a crowd, why he should find the same person? He hated himself for that.

It was always easy to identify Bright in a crowd. That exquisite look on his face, the cold mood that surrounded him when he was silent, also the wide and loud sound as he laugh with the group of friends. He could be easily located, too, since those friends of him were not varied. Bright would be with First, Fluke, Toy, and Foei. When he was in the company, there would be Guy, Tay, or Lee added to the group because of the work. If Win could not find Bright with them, then the man must be in the corner of the room, enjoying his time alone.

"There is P'Bright," Eed, who was beside Win, pointed at Bright. "I'll be with other managers near the largest flower bouquet over there."

Win walked to the opposite side of the ballroom, heading towards the buffet. "So hungry," He mumbled a little louder for Eed to hear.

"Really?" Eed reproached. "You rejected me many times for weeks when I wanted to give you foods."

"Foods in wedding party is different khrab, P'Eed." Win reasoned. "Try first."

Eed followed the young man's footsteps. She left him when he finally met with Mix.

"We have not met for 2 weeks and you are getting thinner. On diet again?" Mix asked.

Win smiled. He was not on diet. "I'm eating normally."

On the other side of the ballroom, Toy caught Win walked to the buffet and his mouth automatically dropped the information in the group.

"Nong Win had arrived," Toy said. "Where is he going? Oh, he will eat first."

Bright froze for a second before turning his head to where Toy was looking at. He left a shirt comment, "Of course, he will do that."

Foei glanced at Toy, giving a sign of leeriness. Toy shook his head slightly, so Foei left the group to meet with another friends rather than watching Bright whose mood started to fall apart.

Guy sighed. He patted Toy's shoulder as he looked like he could not handle the change of atmosphere among them.

"Ai Bright," Guy put his hand on Bright's shoulder. "What will you do now? Nong is gonna take the rolled sushi with raw shrip inside. Are you not gonna tell him to put it aside? He has allergy, hasn't he?"

Bright narrowed his eyes. He was in between trusting Guy and questioning the truth behind his words. He had not make up his mind yet but Guy already pulled him by his shoulder. That's how powerful Guy was.

The senior brought Bright to make a sudden appearance in front of Win, who had just done arranging foods on his plate, and turned around. They younger man was almost bumped into Bright's body. Both were shocked and took one step backwards.

Two pairs of eyes met. Those dilated pupils showed their strong desire for each other that had been repressed for weeks.

Bright diverted his eyes down to see Win's plate for a second and looked up to Win once again. "Sorry," he said before walking away.

Win's body followed Bright to where he go. So did his eyes. He was confused with what happened.

"Surprised?" Guy asked, startling the younger man.

"Ah, umm, a bit." Win nodded. "What is he doing? I think he is hungry. He checked my plate just now."

"That's it!" Guy snapped his fingers. "That's what he did!" Guy left Win alone with Mix, came back to his group.

Win furrowed. He turned to Mix to get an answer, but Mix shrugged his shoulder. Win  gulped. It was so cruel for Bright to suddenly show up in front of Win with no purpose at all. The plate on his hand was almost broken as Win's hand squeezed it tightly during the meeting. But after that...

"Do you mind to help me hold my plate, Phi?" Win asked for Mix' help.

"Umm. Give it to me," Mix took over the plate immediately. "What happened?" He got back to Win at the same time he took the plate from Win's hand.

Win shook his head, ensuring Mix that nothing happened to him. "Just... My hand is shaking."

•

Bright finally could escape from Guy who had been calling him a kindergarten student because of what happened in front of Win earlier. Thanks to his manager who called him to prepare to go home due to his morning schedule tomorrow.

"But I need to go to restroom first."

His manager had no choice but to wait for him in the parking lot.

The restroom was quiet, clean, neat, and luxurious. No one was there. It was probably because there was a restroom inside the ballroom, too. This one he went into was the public restroom outside the ballroom since that building had some ballrooms.

At the time Bright was inside, every cubicle's door was closed. That was the reason why Bright thought the restroom was neat.

THUD!

Bright was about to go out of the restroom when he heard a sound of something heavy falling to the hard ground. He turned his head right away even though he was already at the door.

"Who's there?"

No answer.

Ugh. Bright really hated this kind of situation. He normally would left or go to sleep when he felt supernatural thing was happening around him.

"You don't say!"

Bright came back inside and pushed carefully every cubicle door. There were 5 cubicle's with the door all closed. He found nothing until the last door. But the indicator showed that the cubicle was vacant.

When Bright finally pushed the door, his eyes widened. The only word came out of his mouth was...

"Win?!"

•

Win had been sitting inside the cubicle for a while. He had been feeling unwell since last week and experiencing lightheadedness since early in the morning. It got worse when he was inside the ballroom. His body was cold. He wondered if he was lack of sleep.

Win heard that someone was coming inside the restroom, so he kept quiet. When he heard the sound of water pouring from the faucet, he thought it was the perfect time to come out from the cubicle since the person using the restroom was going to leave.

Win unlocked the door weakly before trying to get up from toilet bowl. As he straightened his back and stood up, his vision was blurred, everything turned dark, he fell back to sit on the toilet bowl hardly. This time, Win knew he needed help but the man out there already left. His dizziness rejected to cooperate with him. His manager must be waiting for him somewhere in the ballroom.

"Who's there?"

Win was able to hear the voice but he was not sure who it was. He was too powerless.

Another thought came into Win's mind since he did not answer when the person asking. He might think that there was nothing or might be running away, thinking the smashing sound was a ghost.

Win decided that he would sit there, waiting for someone to find him or maybe, soon, his dizziness gets better. Another stupidity was he did not bring his phone with him. His manager kept it for him. He was starting to pray that his manager realized how long Win had gone from the ballroom, until...

"Win?!"

Win, whose eyes were closed to reduce the lightheadedness, lifted his eyelids faintly. Inside his head, Win called the name of the savior. His boyfriend. His long lost boyfriend. But his voice did not come out.

Bright opened the door wider to make enough room for him to squat down in front of Win. "Hey, are you ok? Are you ok?"

"Dizzy..." Win replied. He wished it was clear enough to be heard by Bright as his voice was too soft. He did not even in his right mind when he said it.

"Your body is cold," Bright grabbed Win's hands and checked the body temperature with his back hand through Win's neck. "You don't get a fever. Win-"

Win threw his body forward, let Bright caught it and supported him with his broad shoulder. Bright changed his squat to kneel down for matching with Win's height.

"Dizzy..." Win mumbled again.

"Stay with me here. Keep saying you are dizzy, I'm calling P'Eed right now."

The next thing Win did was saying he was dizzy right on Bright's ear while Bright was talking to Win's manager on the phone. He felt the large hand was stroking his back gently. His cold body finally got a warm hug he had been yearning for weeks that felt like forever.

"Dizzy..."

"P'Eed is on her way here. You'll be ok, soon..."

"Dizzy..." Win said it again. It was the only one word he could say repeatedly right now. He wanted to sigh in pain like this many times because his P'Bright is with him. He was safe now. He knew he would be alright.

•

The sound of cars woke Win up. He was in the van. The van was moving. The first thing he saw when his eyes opened was Bright who was stroking his hair. His hands was held by Bright's. He was aware that he was laying down with his head on Bright's lap.

Win shut his eyes once again. It was a good time to sleep.

•

"It's a symptom of malnutrition."

The information that Bright and Eed got from the doctor surprised both in a moment. They were outside the room where Win was in.

"By malnutrition, you mean...?" Bright was not sure with what he just heard.

"Is Khun Metawin on a special diet, or...?"

"He is not kha, doc." Eed answered quickly.

"Also, he loves eating. And he just ate earlier in the wedding party," Bright explained. "Malnutrition is out of the possibility."

"Actually, it's not."

"Huh?" Bright's eyes got wider after hearing Eed's comment. "What do you mean, Phi?"

"I believe," the doctor continued. "His stomach condition tonight is not even 50% filled with foods. It is almost empty."

Bright took a deep breath. His chest felt heavy. He had to go home soon, so what he should do with this information? His head aching.

"Malnutrition causes more problems in children than any other ages. Also, as I said before, it is just a symptom. It is not too late for him to consume adequate nutrition," doctor tried to calm Bright down. "If the change of his eating habit is caused by depression, we can also referred him to psycholo-"

"No need kha. He is here." Eed cut the doctor off.

"A psychologist?"

Bright smiled awkwardly. He was scared that Eed would spill all the beans, so he replied right away. "I am his closest person right now," He said. "I'll try to talk to him later."

After doctor telling them about observing Win for several days that required Win to stay for 2 nights and 3 days in the hospital, the doctor left.

Bright turned to Eed, complaining. "Why don't you tell me that Win did not eat?"

"He has been like that for a month," Eed answered. "At first, he just skipped dinner, so I was not worried. Lately, he just skipped every meal time. Actually, he always has sandwich with him to be eaten when he is hungry."

Sandwich for a glutton like Win?! Bright could not imagine what was in Win's mind.

"He has it for breakfast. Today, too."

Bright was amazed. "Seriously, Phi, what is happening?"

"YOU ARE happening," Eed replied as quick as lightening. "I have to ask you this. I know you told everyone that you are still in a relationship with Win, but screw that! Add and I have never believed it, so have anyone you told about it."

"Phi-"

"Did you break up?"

"We don't break up."

"But that kid is in despair! Can't you see him? What are you two doing exactly? We don't get it." Eed tried not to scream, but she made sure to increase his intonation for Bright to understand the situation. "You can't convince people when it is so obvious that you both changed."

"We just give each other some space to focus on our responsibility as an artist," Bright said. "I won't break up with Win, Phi. I love him."

Eed shook his head. She lost words. "If it is about the interview last time, I think, you got the wrong idea, Bright."

"It would be different if he discussed it with me. He didn't tell me anything beforehand."

"Because he knew you would not let him do it and he would follow your words, so he chose not to tell you."

"Why didn't anyone remind him of the risk? Now that his followers decreased and there are haters throwing hate speech to him, they will make him sad."

"Will they?" Eed talked back to the young who was on fire. "What I am watching now is you, his boyfriend, the one who take him down."

Bright held his breath. He smiled bitterly. He did it again, he thought. Bright had made Win cried, several times. Now what? "I am always failed to make him happy," He swept his hair to the back as the frustration arose to the surface. "I can't make him happy as he always made me."

"How do you know that you can't make him happy?" Eed asked again. "If you want to get the hang of it, recall every moment when he was with you and watch. You will find out."

Bright clammed up.

"His life is not only about his career, Bright. He has goals. Try to understand him a little bit more." Eed patted Bright's arm. "Before you go home, can you talk to him for a moment? It's been a long time, right?"

Bright knitted his eyebrows, thinking about how he had to face Win.

"I will wait for you here," Eed sat on the chair in the waiting room. "Go on."

Bright had no choice. He opened the door and found Win was sitting on the bed, observing the IV Infusion in his hand.

"What's wrong?"

Like a thief caught stealing red-handed, Win was startled by Bright who suddenly asked him a question.

"Is it your first time?"

"No, but it's been a long time I have not admitted in a hospital." Win answered.

"Oh."

"Umm... Why are you still here, Phi?"

Bright shrugged. "I think it's normal to stay longer here when my boyfriend is sick." He pulled a chair closed to bed and sat on it.

Win tried to hide his happiness, yet a slight smile still curved on his face.

"I must go home after this, I have a schedule tomorrow morning. I'll be back in two days when you are discharged. And then, let's have a good talk," Bright said.

The smile on Win's face disappeared. He stared at Bright with his lips shaking, as if he wanted to say but he could not let it out.

Bright stared back at Win, waiting for the younger man to respond at his invitation.

"Is it ok for me to talk to you?"

Bright felt the pain on his chest. Which part of Win that he had not understood yet? Was Win waiting for Bright to close the space between them? When Bright said not to meet for a while, did Win anticipate the chance to finally meet him again?

Bright grabbed Win's free hand. He kissed it repeatedly. "It's never not ok, Win. It's completely fine."

"P'Bright-"

"Please, eat well. You have to eat well. Get better soon. Don't do this to yourself anymore," Bright squeezed Win's hand with his two hands and leaned his forehead on it. "Please." He begged.

Win pulled back his hand, leaving Bright stunned. His eyes widened while looking at Win, but he knew he did not have the right to ask for more.

"Is it really ok to talk to me? I don't want to stop you growing as a person," Win spoke up. His voice was still soft and hoarse, but his energy was gradually recovered.

Bright shook his head, "No, Win, you get it all wrong. Don't only think about me. You have to focus on your career. I'm the one who was scared that I will make you stop growing."

Both were able to hear their own heartbeat perfectly due to the silence between them. Their eyes locked with each other until Win curved his lips up, smiling in sorrow.

"Since the second you asked me for a space to grow, I have stopped growing."

•••

We are heading toward the end :')

Surely won't be complete with one more chapter but yeah, it is closer than you think.I suddenly turn melancholy. Have a special chapter on mind, but let's see how it will be.

Anyway, all typos will be fixed later. Again, I'm competing with my own deadline. This lyfe is so... :')

Don't forget to vote and leave a comment. You don't know how much that meant for me :')

Thank you, thank you, thank you! <3

xoxo,

dedededeva 💋