Chapter 9: Eyes Closed

A/n: WARNING: There are mentions of suicide and self-harm in this chapter. Please do not read ahead if you are effected by any of this. If you feel the need to harm yourself or have thoughts of suicide, please don't be afraid to reach out for help. National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 1-800-273-8255 in case you all need it. And if no one has told you this today, I love you, keep being your awesome self and enjoy the chapter :)

Josh's POVMy eyes were red and puffy with tears, but I wasn't crying anymore. My body felt numb and paralyzed as I drove down the dark road. I was nowhere near my house, but I didn't care. I didn't know where I was headed, but as long as it was away from life's problems, I kept going. The headlights from my car were the only thing visible in the dark road. The outlines of trees and buildings were passing by me in whirls of darkness. I sniffed, wiping my nose on my sleeve. Mully's angry shouts kept replaying in my head. Eddie's hurt face as I argued with him. Even Juicy's expression when I attacked him was overwhelming me.I didn't know how to feel anymore. My heart was heavy and sinking into my chest, and I gripped at the steering wheel. Minutes had passed by, but if felt like the fight happened only a few seconds ago. My hands started to shake, wishing I could get rid of this never-ending pain. The road became blurry with my tears, and I wished I could have done something differently. I wished I could've gone back and never sent that text to Mully. But I couldn't. I couldn't fix the things that I had fucked up already. I remembered the times when it was just the five of us on a discord call, laughing and enjoying the time we had with each other. I remembered when we used to record together and we always had smiles on our faces. Genuine smiles. Smiles that were real, never anything that was fake. The speed dial on my car started to move higher and higher without me noticing. My foot pressed on the gas peddle a little more, and the hum of the car speeding up filled my ears. I passed several cars, but in reality, I was lost in my own mind. Mully was the only person that cared about me. But now, he was gone. Forever. Because of me. Why did I have to confess to him? The one time I had the confidence to do something, I fucked everything up. I just felt so... alone. I grabbed my phone, not caring if the car was speeding up or not. I slowly began to type a message, typing to Mully. To tell him I'm sorry. To tell him that I wished I could have made things better, not worse. Although my thumb couldn't press the send button. I looked back up at the road as I threw my phone to the side, no longer able to care anymore. I then had a crazy idea pass over my mind. I knew I was an idiot for trying this, but I was so heartbroken, I didn't think first. I closed my eyes, pressing on the gas peddle. Fear gripped at my heart for a few seconds, but it quickly turned into adrenaline. The rush of recklessness filling my veins made me feel on top of the world for a few seconds, and I savored the feeling of something stirring inside me. I felt something real for the first time since the fight, and I felt a crash of power and confidence that I didn't have before.Then, it all happened so fast, the next thing I knew, I was flipping over. A screech of a car pierced through the still night, followed by the sound of glass shattering into a million pieces. My body was instantly thrown like a ragdoll, crashing into my seat and into the steering wheel. I yelled in pain as my head knocked into the back of my seat, feeling my car flipping upside down. My entire body experienced pain like never before, but I was too surprised to know what happened. My vision became blurry as everything came to a stop. Smoke was trailing from the backseat, and my hand lied limp at my side. I was too weak and injured to move, and my leg was stuck under the steering wheel. The alarms from my car was ringing in my ears, but I slowly drifted off to an unfamiliar reality. All noise and feelings became a distant void, and my eyes slowly shut, not opening for what seemed like forever.