Part 11

The hospital room was bleak, to say the least. All white and dull, except for a pretty bouquet of ruby roses in a little cerulean vase by the bed that Monika had brought after her first night in the hospital. Any other day Sayori would have tried to find some sort of symbolism in that, but...she was just too drained today. There were thin, weak ribbons of sunlight peeking through the strips in the closed blinds; she tried to peer through them to catch a glimpse of the outside world without much luck. She sighed inwardly and gave up, deciding to stare at the plain sheets instead, watching with false enthusiasm as her hand made soft crinkles in it. She missed sunshine.

An open book lay beside her on the bed. She had discarded it in frustration after scanning the same paragraph six times and taking none of it in. Some sort of stupid side effect of the medication they'd put her on, apparently. Yuri would probably scold her if she knew. Heh, she missed her.

The hospital food was fairly awful, too. All tasteless mush and no substance. Monika had even begun bringing her snacks to actually give her palette something interesting to taste. Perhaps Sayori could persuade Natsuki to make her something sweet? She missed her baking. And she missed her.

And then there was Monika. Her beautiful, dear Monika. She adored her so, so much, but often that only contributed to the problem. Sayori really didn't deserve her, she knew that rationally. Her girlfriend was pretty, popular, student body president, had a ton of skills and hobbies, always got straight As, had goals and ambitions for after high school...basically the complete and utter opposite of herself. She was also very much aware that a few of the other, better students had fairly large crushes on her, too, which only made her jealousy flare. Hah, yet another of her countless flaws. Monika could have nearly any guy or girl in the school, she doubted she would ever comprehend why she had settled for sad ol' Sayori. But, oh God, she still missed her. So much.

Sayori sighed again. Depression really sucked. She knew there had to be some logical reasoning as to why Monika loved her. She just...couldn't fathom any. At all. Even after being together for nearly two years. There was a knot of worry eating away at her reasonable mind that forced her to believe their relationship was all some huge plot to unearth her weaknesses so Monika could exploit them and influence people to hate her.

Well, more than some already did. Being a popular girl's girlfriend led to a fair bit of attention which she didn't always thrive in.

She was selfish. So, disgustingly selfish. She had this beautiful, amazing, caring girlfriend who had proved time and time again that she truly loved her and yet...Sayori didn't believe it. She wasn't fully appreciating Monika's capacity to love her, she knew that. But she wanted to, she honestly did. It was all her stupid, dumb, annoying depression's fault.

She was taking this bright, glowing angel and corrupting her with her own maddening darkness. It was truly a selfish thing to do.

All she truly wanted was to be content with herself and her relationships with her friends and girlfriend, but...she persistently had that nagging, mood depleting voice at the base of her thoughts, constantly reminding her of her fears and insecurities in hushed whispers whenever she attempted to enjoy herself. She had a driving desire to be happy but she didn't possess the motivation to work to get better, so instead she donned a false mask of cheeriness for security and pretended everything was perfectly fine. What a vicious cycle, right?

The years of numb melancholy had eaten away at her mentality and had left her weak and withered, and in addition to her recent suicidal tendencies she was currently left a hollow shell of the girl she had once been. The fight against her depression was tough and only becoming harder. Despite Monika's reassurance, she didn't feel strong or brave. In reality she felt...splintered beyond repair. So much so that anyone who were to come close to her would harm themselves on her loose fragments, and she didn't want her friends to have to take that risk. She didn't want to hurt her girlfriend any more.

Doubt plagued her every moment of every day, reminding her that she didn't deserve to be alive if she couldn't entirely appreciate her life. She was a waste of space and oxygen, someone who held the potential to fully appreciate her friends' love could take her place once she was gone and then everyone would be happy without her.

Wouldn't they?

Sayori hadn't yet begun to regret her actions from the previous days, but she was well aware it was inevitably going to crush her. Oh, boy, she was not looking forward to that in the slightest. She was painfully sick of guilt and hurt and suffering. She'd always hated saddening Monika and she knew fine well she'd devastated her beyond compare by doing what she had done. Late at night when her racing mind kept her awake long into the early hours of the morning she could still hear the pained screaming and crying from when she had found her, the sounds tearing through her mind, driving her to insanity. The memories sent icy shivers through her entire body, clawing hands suffocating her.

But that was all just some act, remember? Monika didn't really care, she more than likely wanted her dead to be honest, then she could be free. Finally, she wouldn't need an excuse to leave her like she so desired. No doubt Natsuki and Yuri would despise her for this whole situation, too.

She couldn't even kill herself successfully without disappointing someone. She just wanted it to be over, in whichever way would be easier.

Then again, didn't her friends care about her? They acted like it, sure, but she had convinced herself long ago that it was all just a performance out of pity. That little flicker of hope remained, though, however dim it was, and occasionally she latched onto it to fight.

The thought of continuing her battle left her feeling frail and weary, but she knew she had to at least make an attempt. Not for herself, she couldn't give a damn whether she lived or died, but for three very specific people in her life.

"Heya, Good Lookin'!" Monika's voice!

Most of her self deprecating thoughts vanished into thin air as she witnessed her girlfriend enter her room. Funny how that worked sometimes. Gosh, she's so pretty. She had recently left school, clearly, as she was still wearing her uniform, her long hair tied up in with her signature white bow. The days were incredibly lonely without any means of contacting her loved ones thanks to her stupid decision to destroy her phone, so those hours that Monika came to visit were an absolute Godsend. She was pushing something large along on wheels...a piano? Why did she need that?

"Moni?" She asked curiously. Her girlfriend shot her a charming grin, trotting up to her bedside and giving her a quick kiss. That always felt so good. Monika had never attempted to hide their relationship from their peers, even the ones who disapproved, and she always boasted about her on social media for the whole world to see...surely that meant she enjoyed being with her, right? She wouldn't do anything even remotely similar to that if she was ashamed of her, would she? "What are you doing?" Sayori peered behind her and noticed a few of her regular nurses were standing by the door watching keenly. They offered her kind smiles, which she returned with a little wave.

"I wrote a song for you! Lyrics, music, everything." Monika sat on a stool she'd pulled up, testing the keys one by one from high to low, her fingers flowing effortlessly along the faux ivory. It sounded pretty, she had talented fingers. Heh, yeah she does. Now she'd resorted to laughing at her own lame jokes inside of her head? She really was a saddo. "The hospital is letting me perform it for you. It's called 'Your Reality.' Do you want to hear it?"

Sayori nodded eagerly, her heart swelling blissfully. She always loved hearing Monika sing, it was one of the many attributes that had led her to fall so completely in love with her. Her girlfriend blew her a kiss and took a shaky breath before starting.

The piano melody sounded pretty to Sayori's starved senses, Monika knew her way around the instrument like it was second nature. And her singing...it nearly always provoked goosebumps to agitate her skin. She had a voice that could convey raw emotion effortlessly, and this song definitely sent chills down her spine, making her shiver. Monka had put a lot of effort into this. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to fall.

An imaginary switch flicked in Sayori's mind. Monika had genuinely spent her free time composing sheet music and a song for her. Just for her. She cared, she truly, honestly loved her and no one else, not in the same way she loved Sayori.

She saw that now. It was suddenly clear as day.

She loved those simple moments of clarity when her mind fully supported her and gave her that spur of hope. It always helped her fight harder against her depression, and this time she intended to freaking pummel it into the earth.

Monika brought the song to a close, the last chord echoing away into the halls of the hospital. She heard quiet murmurs of approval radiating from the nurses but she didn't, couldn't, register them. The balls of her cheeks felt wet. Was she crying?

She heard herself sniffle. She must have been, then. Monika made her way over to her, her weight dipping the mattress as she sat carefully on the side of the bed and took her into her arms, lovingly stroking her hair and peppering sweet kisses to her head. "Moni...that was so beautiful." She whimpered, hugging her girlfriend to her tightly as she clung to her clothing. With painful breaths she inhaled the familiar scent of her in deeply, savoring it. She was alive. "Thank you so much. I really loved it."

She was alive.

Monika chuckled softly, her voice gentle. "It was my pleasure, sweetheart. I'm so glad you liked it."

Determination welled up inside of her, fighting against its previous restraints. "Monika?" She hummed curiously. "I-I want to get better. I do. I'm gonna try so, so hard to."

With a choked, almost relieved laugh Monika hugged her tighter, her voice breaking as she spoke. "That's the best news I've heard in a long time."

I am going to fucking beat this.