55 ~ The Phase of Denial

Nothing says friendship quite like public embarrassment.

Remus' POV:

     Tiredly I let myself fall backwards onto my bed and outside it was dark. My feet hung off the edge of the bed and from the side came the expected reaction: "What's wrong, Moony?" Prongs asked, who was sitting on his bed and astonishingly doing homework.          "Was the meeting with Harmon that awful?" Padfoot then asked, but I could only sigh.     More than a week had passed again since the end of the Christmas holidays and I still could not figure this girl out. Well, actually I could, but it was not what I wanted. Constantly she searched for physical contact with me. Slowly I could imagine that she wanted something casual, but then again maybe not.     Maybe she was also completely normal and I simply felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for the well-known reasons: my scars. Yeah, alright, I had often enough listened to Padfoot telling me that they would probably make me popular with the ladies, but to this day I had not understood that logic.

I don't understand much...

     "No, today's meeting with Harmon wasn't really awful, I mean, she was like always," I replied and my words were met with understanding. I had already told the boys everything, how I felt about her. "I just can't imagine that it's normal for her to be so clingy, right?" I asked and sat up, taking off my shoes. Then I stood because I wanted to get changed, since I was still wearing my uniform.          "What do you define as clingy?" James wanted to know. Sirius too looked at me curiously.     The two of them had more experience with girls than I did, though James was the only one who had had something longer with a single girl, even if his relationships had not been serious ones. We were also only in sixth year, though with Padfoot that meant nothing.     "Well, she always wants to hold my hand and presses herself against me when we're sitting."

Laughter rang out.

     "No, I'm serious!" I defended myself, "I no longer have privileges over my hands and soon probably not over my lips either. Soon my body will belong to her."     "Hm," Prongs hummed, "but don't you have those needs when you see her?"          "She looks pretty...?" I answered hesitantly and pulled off my shirt, then put on the black one I had picked out.     "Oh, Moony," Padfoot said and sounded faintly amused, which was why I said: "This isn't funny!" whilst pointing my finger at him, then I continued: "It all just happened so quickly and I admit that I just don't feel comfortable with someone touching me, okay? And yeah, I know that I need to get over myself in order to accept myself, blah, blah, blah."     "It's not simple 'Blah, blah, blah'," Prongs replied and looked at me whilst shaking his head. Ever since forever they had cheered me up whenever I put myself down, though in my opinion I simply was a monster.

One that also has ugly scars on top of it.

     "Not that look!" Padfoot immediately warned and from Peter we received a "Mayday!" because all my friends knew that look and could interpret it.          "But it's true!" I tried defending myself. I sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at the stove in front of me. Because of the cold season it was lit, but I could not focus on it.     "It's not true," Prongs replied sternly, but my look silenced him.          "So I'm only imagining all the scars then?"     "No, but you're imagining that you're a monster. You've just got a furry problem."          "Aha," I said, little convinced, because to me it was obvious. I knew that my problems mostly only existed in my head, nevertheless they were there, existent.     "I already told you once that girls think scars are cool, makes you dangerous, which you obviously aren't, so don't take that the wrong way," Sirius tried his luck and I sighed.          I sighed. "Possible, but I don't need someone who only finds me attractive because of my scars."     "Harmon?"          I nodded briefly, afterwards I raised my voice: "I mean, that's my assumption. Logically speaking, we're complete opposites. She's loud and she doesn't think much of studying either. She also laughs a lot, but at everything. I absolutely wouldn't consider her stupid though, because her mind follows everything quickly, so she seems a bit, erm-"     "Mad to you?" Padfoot completed my sentence and was lying on his stomach on his bed, looking at me, "Yeah, her friend I told you about, Katie, the blonde one, she wasn't completely right in the head either. I don't really want to go into details now, but during sex-"          "Then don't go into details!" I interrupted him sharply. Prongs too looked at Padfoot pleadingly.     "Okay, well, alright then, Harmon simply isn't for you. There are enough cute girls who'd gladly study with you and accept you the way you are."          "Ha, ha, as if those are the only requirements I have, right?" I mocked, even though Sirius was already fairly close to them.

I actually just want a normal person.

     "Does she need to have red hair?" Prongs teased now. I shot him a nasty look.          "I'm not into Phil!" I hissed immediately and Prongs flinched, jumping slightly where he sat, but he remained amused.     Ever since forever, ever since Phil had been at Hogwarts, they had annoyed me with that because I had built a friendship with her, or at least that was how I would describe our relationship. I wanted Phil to be alright, nothing more, and it was nice to have someone with whom one could talk about furry problems.     "The phase of denial, alright then, you don't want anything from Phil. What about Summer, Tara Summer? She's cute."          "McKinnon's friend?" I asked little convinced, since she was a friend of Lily's.     At the moment Padfoot still had something going on with McKinnon, even if he was already looking around again, which could soon lead to the end of it.     "Alright, then maybe not," Sirius continued thinking, though before he could make another suggestion, I said: "I'll manage it on my own. The suggestion with Harmon wasn't a good one, so now I just need to inform her of my decision."          "Fair enough that she wasn't a good suggestion, and yeah, you should do that."     "Yeah..."

Phil's POV:

     It was Wednesday and I sat in the common room, tired in the common room. Earlier I had been in the library with Remus, now I had claimed the sofa. The stairs to my dormitory were too much.     "Why does it feel like I've studied loads, but my head is still empty?" I muttered and rubbed my face.          "That's normal," Remus replied beside me and he too seemed tired. We had worked ahead on a few assignments for next week because the full moon would soon arrive.     "Chocolate?" he then asked and I received a piece of chocolate. I felt like I was with Elizabeth, who always handed out her chocolate bars. By now I had also understood that it was a kind of affection from her. Remus seemed to have a similar way of caring for someone.     "Thanks," I accepted a piece, then leaned back, "And you're waiting for your friends?" I asked Remus. He nodded and whilst studying him from the side, I noticed that his hair was sticking up slightly.

He looks exhausted.

     I thought, continued eating the chocolate and looked around the common room. Beside me, Remus rummaged through his satchel. I felt a gaze resting on us.     "Your girlfriend's looking at you, maybe you should talk to her?" I suggested and caught the brunette's gaze, which sent a cold shiver down the back of my neck.

Yeah, creepy.

     "She's not my girlfriend," Remus beside me clarified. I nodded little convinced.          "Aha," I said in response, because I had not imagined seeing them kissing in Hogsmeade and holding hands three days ago. To me, obvious signs that they were a couple.     "It's complicated," the boy beside me then explained after all and I did not understand. Though I did not understand many things about love. Alice and Frank Longbottom for example I did not understand. They wrote letters to each other with their owls, even though they could simply talk normally in a corridor.          "Shouldn't you talk to her even more if it's complicated?"     I looked at the boy beside me. One could tell that Remus felt uncomfortable speaking to me about it.

So it really is complicated.

     "It's alright," I therefore said and Remus seemed relieved. We also could not have continued speaking because in the next moment the portrait to the common room opened and the remaining Marauders came in. They had had Quidditch practice and Peter had gone with them.     "Well, who do we have here?" Sirius asked and walked towards us. He did not slow his pace, so I was not surprised that he consequently dropped onto the sofa, directly beside me!          "I don't want to cuddle with you!" I complained and moved aside, though Remus was already sitting there.     "Why don't you want to cuddle with me, dear Phil?"          "Because that's too close for me, dear Sirius," I replied in the same tone, but then I was provocatively shoved against Remus.     "Then cuddle with Remus if you don't like me."     Inside, I immediately tensed up. I was already shoulder to shoulder with Remus, who wanted to move aside, but quickly James Potter also found the sofa. Peter followed too, though onto an armchair. The sofa was definitely not designed for four people.

What exactly the two of them are trying to achieve with this, I don't understand.

     "I don't really want to cuddle with any of you," I clarified. My quickened heartbeat was the only indication that a year ago I would have had a panic attack in such a situation.     "You know, Phil."          "No, I don't know, but you're about to tell me."     "Ha, ha," Sirius beside me on the right said and he was still wearing his Quidditch jumper, "One should keep one's friends close, but one's enemies even closer."          I raised one brow. "Are we enemies then?"     Sirius nodded. "Yes, we are, and Moony?"          "Mhm?" came from Remus.     "One doesn't speak with the enemy."     "I agree," James beside Remus said, who strangely seemed tense. Maybe it was because I would soon be sitting on him.          "Is one no longer allowed to be nice to one's enemies now?" I asked and looked into grey eyes, then Sirius replied: "Sure, but then you'd have to be nicer to us."          "I am nice to you."     "And the letter?"          "And the snow attack?" I countered.     "Touché, though you should still be nice to us. Although, stay the way you are. At least you've settled into Hogwarts well."          "Were those just nice words?" I asked and could not believe my ears, because Sirius Black was rarely nice. Because of that I only received an eye-roll from him and he leaned back, though taking up even more space, deliberately.     Consequently I really landed on Remus. Our shoulders lost contact, then I fell onto his lap. My hands supported themselves on his thigh and against my back I felt his upper body.     I immediately stood up, however, and now stood before the gentlemen.     "You're annoying," I made clear, picked up my bag from the floor and did the only logical thing in that moment; I went to my dormitory.

James' POV:

     "You're annoying," came from Phil, then she picked up her bag and disappeared.      I could not prevent the corners of my mouth from turning upwards, because our intention truly had been to annoy Phil and Remus. The latter looked after Phil and it was obvious that he felt uncomfortable, which he addressed in the next moment: "What was that supposed to be?" Moony asked and looked at all of us one after another judgementally.

Is he blushing?

     Yeah, I was not imagining that Moony had a trace of red around his nose.     "We were chatting," Padfoot played dumb. I bit my tongue so as not to laugh.          "That wasn't simple chatting for me!"     "Chatting with physical contact then?"          "Bloody hell, you're really annoying!" our dear Moony referred to Phil's words, which made me laugh. Sirius quickly joined in because we often found the same situations funny. Moony, meanwhile, rubbed his face and searched the common room, though he did not seem to find what he was looking for. Instead his gaze fell upon the entrance, where Lily appeared with her friends.

Ah, sweet Lily.

     "Evans! Hey!" I greeted her and waved at her. Green eyes met mine, though Lily only looked angrily at Padfoot. The situation quickly explained itself because a certain Marlene McKinnon walked towards the Gryffindor. He was nudged by Moony because he had closed his eyes, and when he spotted McKinnon, he sat up.          "Marl-" he wanted to begin, though a ringing sound interrupted his words.     I inhaled sharply because the slap had landed, though Padfoot had deserved it. Because of that he only nodded whilst holding his cheek and the girls disappeared into the dormitory.     "Weren't you keeping things open?" Wormtail asked confused and Sirius explained himself: "Our opinions on that topic have drifted apart over the last few weeks. She interpreted my words as me agreeing to a relationship with her."          "You and relationships?" Moony asked.     "Yeah, I mean, I didn't mean it like that, but I more or less agreed that we could have something more serious whilst we were, well, busy."          "Didn't you have something with Susan Brown again yesterday?"     "That's exactly the point, Moony! Give yourself five house points as prefect immediately, I shall accept the pain like a man."          "A stupid man."     After those words from Remus Padfoot cursed briefly because his cheek was glowing like a beacon, but I only had to laugh again because it was simply marvellous knowing that all four of us were complete idiots when it came to girls.