13 ~ Moony Missed Dear Phil Terribly

I had long believed that loneliness was easier to bear alone, until I saw it looking back at me.

Remus' POV:

     "Are we really doing this now?", I asked and walked beside James and Peter, Sirius ahead of us all.          "Yep!"     "But is it really such a good idea?", I asked further and received the same answer, which made me sigh, yet I stayed true to my position, "you do realise that Phil probably doesn't remember anything, right? I mean, after the full moon you have a blackout, so how are you supposed to explain, well you know? The reason why we're following them is stupid."     "And why did she attack her pack then, if she's a werewolf without memories, hm?", James asked. He still held the opinion that this Ethan J. Aquila must have mastered creating real, pure-blood werewolves - like animagi.

Yes, ridiculous.

     "Good question, Prongs, and that's exactly why we're following these questions!", Sirius exclaimed again, "It is also certain that Phil spoke with Dumbledore. You allowed him to tell her about you. But I wonder, since this Phil woke up in the snow and in the hut, whether she told Dumbledore that she saw us."     And Sirius was right. At least in the sense that the boys were justified in worrying that they might be exposed as Animagi. It was fortunate enough that they had learned the spell.

That they only want what is best for me is not relevant.Not after the last full moon.

     "Many think that she has a furry problem, yet no one can prove it. Children of werewolves do not necessarily have to become ones, and scars can be obtained in other ways as well", Wormtail replied and brought us all back down to reality.     James had been speculating about how long it would take until Hogwarts labelled Phil a werewolf and then found the same signs in me.     I thanked Wormtail in my thoughts for his reminder. When we were stuck in heated discussions, he usually stayed calm. He did not speak much in general, yet when he did, it had a solid reason. That was why he complemented our group well.     "True enough, but whatever. This Phil will get to know us, which she will have to do by the next full moon at the latest", Sirius said.          "What is that supposed to mean?", I cut in, "I go to the Shrieking Shack and Dumbledore will come up with something for Phil. Do you want to bring two werewolves out of the shack? Without me!"     "It's without you anyway, dear Moony. Blackout and all."          I clenched my teeth, yet inside I knew that the boys were beaten. They would not be able to control two werewolves, and that gave me satisfaction.     Sirius slowed his pace a little. "I think we're getting closer to them. That way the charming Prongs can get closer to dear Lily, right? Can you already feel a tingling in your fingertips, are we getting closer to her?"     "Ugh, stop it!", the addressed one snapped back, which made it impossible for me not to grin a little. It was amusing how James constantly denied that he was in love. For him, Lily was only pretty.     But I understood him, because although falling in love was something natural, one did not want to be the first in the group of friends to be. We were still quite immature, and Sirius showed this behaviour in full measure.     He kept poking James in his side just now, then he puckered his lips and dodged the blow from the bespectacled one. They were just about to start wrestling, yet then we turned the next corner and Sirius spoke loudly and clearly: "Well then, ladies?"

Phil's POV:

     "Hey!", I heard a voice behind me and flinched. I looked up from my folded hands and into Lily's green eyes. I tensed slightly, but remained calm and studied the redhead. Without speaking further, she sat down beside me on the bench, looked questioningly at my empty plate.     "Don't you have any appetite at all?", she was puzzled and raised a brow, which made me fear that it disappeared into her hairline. I shook my head. That should be answer enough.

Calm down, not everyone wants to harm you.

     "I wanted to show you the castle", Lily continued speaking.          Relieved, I exhaled; I was glad about the change of subject.      I pressed my lips tightly together, then I looked into my neighbour's sparkling eyes. The crease on Lily's forehead quickly gave way to an encouraging smile, and I tried to form a smile as well, yet I was certain that it looked rather strained.          "Yes, gladly", I answered quietly to her question in the next moment, then I brushed a strand of hair from my face, looked back at her and avoided looking at my empty plate.      Lily apparently was pleased, because she clapped enthusiastically into her hands, I flinched backwards. Years of trained instincts simply could not be banished from my life.     Lily frowned because of my reaction, yet she restrained herself from raising her voice. Unconsciously I bit onto my lower lip, then we rose from our seats and I left my untouched plate behind.      We walked past the many students who were leaving the Great Hall, and on the way to the large double doors I felt several gazes resting on me. Many of those present seemed to be interested in me.     I had to think about the moment when Dumbledore had asked me through his gaze whether he should introduce me as Aquila. I wanted it that way, because only a surname did not define me as a person, quite simply.      For a long time I had lived without this strange name, completely without a name, and I had been fine.

     "So", Lily said, looked at me from the side, "this is the staircase we use to get to the Gryffindor common room, so important, remember it. But you already know that", she added and I nodded to signal to her that I had understood.      To describe me as talkative would not have been correct in this situation. I did try my best to trust her, to appear less shy. However, how was one supposed to manage that?          I could not even look at my own shadow without seeing a monster, which I was as well. I was a colossus of a beast that should not walk in this world. What if I hurt others? Everything would be my fault. It would repeat itself. The same feeling that had haunted me when I had murdered my mother,     I tried to shake off my thoughts and caught up with Lily, who was just speaking about the thousand paintings that I disliked. My steps echoed in my ears and once I was beside her again, I gave her a confirming nod. We were followed by the many eyes of the paintings. I found them strange.     Together we strolled through different corridors and I had to say that it did not interest me who was depicted in the paintings, and why the corridors were named the way they were. Yet Lily seemed quite fond of Hogwarts castle, and so I tried to appear curious.          At that moment she was telling me something about a wizard who stood beside a tree when I heard a new voice: "Well then, ladies?", it echoed through the corridor.     I fully awoke from my trance. This boy, Remus Lupin, had just turned the corner with his friends and apparently the boy with the slightly longer, dark hair had spoken, because Lily glared at him angrily, while she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Right, she doesn't like the boys, I remembered.I, on the other hand, did not know what to think of them; I did not even know what to think of Hogwarts and my life in general.

     "Black!", the redhead spat his name.          "I beg you, Lily, do call me Sirius", he corrected her and crossed, just as she did, his arms in front of his chest, which was wrapped in a partially unbuttoned shirt, the tie loose. Lily merely snorted disdainfully and rolled her eyes, which she emphasised with a loud sigh.     "Potter, Pettigrew, Remus", she greeted the three other boys afterwards, as they came to a stop in front of us. Well, Potter, Sirius Black, Pettigrew and Remus Lupin seemed to want something, but what, was unclear to me.     "What do you want?", Lily asked annoyed, rolled her eyes exaggeratedly once more. She spoke the words that lay on my tongue, and curiously I looked at the four of them.           I let my gaze wander over them, as a result Potter, the one with the glasses, answered: "Are we not allowed to be in this corridor?"     "Yes, but then walk nicely past us and clear off!"          "Well then", Black made a hand movement towards Remus, "Moony has terribly missed dear Phil", his storm-grey eyes met mine, yet I could not give any reaction.     Immediately Remus Lupin's gaze shot to his friend. He looked at him as if he had gone completely mad.

Perhaps he has.

     "Missed? Yes, certainly. He doesn't know her and neither do you!", Lily was still in a rage, "I don't even want to know what brought you here, yet, if it is something stupid and only because of Phil's heritage, then I'll set every spell I know on you!"          "Someone has quite the strong protective instinct", Sirius laughed. "You should know, however, Evans, that I care the least about surnames, so please. Phil is new here and in Gryffindor, also in our year, so we simply want to get to know her. Is that forbidden?"     Lily's eyes narrowed into slits and she snorted. "No. But I would now very much like to continue showing Phil the castle, if the gentlemen permit it?", the girl mocked, but Sirius Black did not let himself be deterred.          "Yes, on our account you may do that."

     Well then, Sirius Black had of course understood it quite differently, because immediately after Lily and I had set off, the four of them followed us. Potter even swung his arms widely beside his body as he walked,     "I actually meant it in a way that you idiots do not, under absolutely no circumstances, follow us!", Lily snapped again, while she took aim at the boy with the glasses, whereupon he replied dryly: "We simply have to go this way."          "Exactly...", came the drawn-out reply, yet there was nothing more we could do against our pursuers.     Therefore the six of us walked through the long corridors of Hogwarts. I held back and simply observed. Observing, yes, that I could do. I tried to do it as well, but it did not work, because just as Padfoot - yes, he had told us about his grand nickname - made a joke that of course only Prongs, James Potter, found funny, it happened, I was torn from my comfort zone.     "Could we perhaps talk?", a calm voice sounded beside me.

The boy who is like me.

     Abruptly I stopped on the spot and remained frozen in my position. Nothing except my breathing was perceptible to me. My pulse had quickened. I looked into his green eyes and they remembered. They remembered that fateful one night - the night of the full moon that had initiated the beginning. A night that had cost me everything, because on that night I had lost my family.           And this guilt still pursued me.     Yes, I had promised it to Dumbledore and yes, he had been right. The old wizard had explained to me that I was not an animal, that I had rights.      That his words contained a truth undiscovered to me, I did not yet know in this moment.     Remus Lupin was like me, and this conclusion filled me with tremendous fear. Yet I also admired him, because this boy managed to live with this curse upon his shoulders.

But can I do that as well?Had I not fallen and risen often enough already?Could I rise once more?Would I manage this time not to fall again?

     I was still looking into his eyes and my surroundings were as if erased. Everything gone. The paintings on the walls were unimportant, just like the other people, of whom I did not know where they were.     When the dense fog - a fog full of emotions and deeds that reflected the past - slowly loosened and granted me entry into reality once more, I realised that the murmur of voices of the others had long since vanished.      I drew my dry lower lip into my mouth, tried to bring my rapidly beating heart under control. It beat wildly against the bones that formed my ribcage. I could hear my pulse.          Beat by beat. Like drums that played a song and it announced doom.     Escape, I could not, running away from my feelings neither. One was not always allowed to flee, because sometimes risk was the only true path. I opposed my inner urges and nodded to Remus Lupin.     Yes, we could talk and that, although every single cell of reason in my body resisted it.

"You can do this, Phil."

     He seemed to be surprised to have received a reaction from me, yet despite everything he nodded in confirmation, shook off his own doubts.      He took his right hand out of his trouser pocket, ran it uncertainly through his street-dog-blond hair, which appeared more brown, afterwards he almost imperceptibly shrugged his shoulders.          "Yes, well...", he managed, and I also noticed the rising tension within me, "everything is simply all mixed up", he continued, seemed not to know what the right words were either.     I could not blame him; I was no better. Therefore I could only nod in response, while I saw everything that had happened pass before my inner eye again: the night of the full moon, the loss of my family, the hospital wing, the meeting with Dumbledore, Diagon Alley and me in search of myself.     "I actually wanted to talk to you, yet somehow I think it is only naivety. I mean, how am I supposed to help you? We are both in the same situation, as you surely know? Somehow you must have come back into the castle after the full moon and Dumbledore will have told you more. He always does."     Once more his long fingers ran through his hair, then he looked at me and I nodded again.

I know that he is a werewolf.

     "A curse...", I let my voice be heard for the first time, which sounded somewhat rough.          His eyes met mine and I could filter out astonishment. I too was surprised that words had left my mouth.     "What?", was his reaction after my whisper had faded in the corridor, and he looked down at me. I however let my gaze wander to my feet.          "A curse...", I repeated myself, "a curse that lies upon our shoulders and determines our actions, as if we were its property."     I grimaced, and when I heard the hatred dripping from my voice, hatred accumulated from all the years, I was by no means surprised. I consequently managed to look at the tall boy. And apparently he had heard the hatred.     In Remus Lupin's mind it first seemed to rattle, subsequently he pressed his lips tightly together, then his gaze went into the distance. His lips were only a barely visible line.     He nodded in confirmation and I could almost feel the same pent-up hatred, grasp it in the air and add it to my own.

Life is unfair, unfathomably unfair, and it would always remain that way, I thought, while we both fell silent once more.We looked at one another and I pressed my lips together as well. I was not capable of more words, yet he seemed to understand.

     "Ah, here you are!", a voice reached my ears. Remus and I turned towards the source at the same time, and soon I could assign the voice to Lily. The redhead turned the corner. Confusion could be seen on her face when she saw the two of us talking with each other.     "I had to endure the three idiots the whole time", she grumbled to herself, when she had come to a stop beside us. "I like you, Remus, so I do not resent you for talking with Phil, but the others. Nothing against your taste in friends, although, actually yes."          "Thanks, Lily?", Remus said and seemed not to know how to take the insult and the compliment.     "Moony!", came from around the corner.     "And I do not have to understand these strange nicknames, I do not want to either", Lily continued speaking and turned around. Potter, Black and Pettigrew turned the corner and we were complete again. That Lily's expression had darkened did not need mentioning.     "I told you, Prongs, Lily ran off because of you", Sirius teased his mate, who by the way grimaced and muttered something like: "Not true..."      However, when Lily confirmed Black's remark a few seconds later, he burst into loud laughter, because Potter's face collapsed in on itself, while his eyes were wide open.     After Black's mad giggling, during which he slapped his hand against his thigh several times, he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. The others could not suppress laughter either and James grimaced darkly.          And, what was I supposed to say?     This school was the strangest place I had ever ended up in.