Ch. 105 - The Boy Who Can Turn into a Titan

"There was a soldier among the training corps that... Put simply, he managed somehow to become a Titan and plant a boulder in front of the gate."

...

Excuse me?

No, really. What the actual fuck?

I couldn't quite bring myself to believe it. I mean, come on. I was supposed to believe that there was a boy who could turn into a Titan?

I could be gullible at times, sure. But did they take us all to be such fools? This was why we'd been called to action here?

"How are we to help?" Erwin asked. "The scouts offer our help however possible."

"There are plenty of titans still swarming the city," the captain told us. "And close to the gate, especially. We're waiting on an opening to retrieve the boy if possible."

"If possible?"

"There were many Titans congregating there," he explained. "They seemed drawn to his Titan."

Levi and I looked at Erwin, just waiting for him to say the word. "Levi, Amaya, go. Clear the way and extract the boy. The rest of the scouts will spread out and assist your soldiers."

The captain saluted. "Thank you, Commander."

With our orders set, and the trust that Erwin would lead our subordinates well, Levi and I took off. Through the heart of the district we raced, seeing the carnage that had taken place here. Corpses lined the streets, some donning the roses on their backs, but some... so young and so brave, we passed many a training cadet, gone far too soon.

Many Titans chose rather stupidly to be in our way. I had half a mind to ask them if they were the boy we were looking for, if they were perhaps somehow being controlled by someone, but I doubted I would get an answer besides a groan or a ham-fisted attempt to kill me.

Honestly. If these specialized Titans who could coordinate attacks on the gates were intelligent in some way, I'd have thought they would tell these fools that trying to fight myself or Levi was futile, but since I hadn't seen either of them... Well, they likely didn't know what was good for them, anyway.

God, what the hell was this world coming to? I had to be mad, or at least going mad. This had to be a dream, and I had to be making it all up, because just... just the thought that there were Titans that could reasonably think and figure out that the walls' gates were their weakest points, and therefore the best access point was absurd. It was just ridiculous!

I couldn't wrap my head around it. And so now to hear there was a cadet who could turn into a Titan? Was there a connection there? Could I turn into a titan? Could Levi? Could Hange? Goodness, that was a rather scary thought, wasn't it? She'd probably ask me to dissect her while she was a Titan just for the good of science.

It was so much to think about.

But I suppose my best chance of getting answers for myself was to see it, right? Right.

So, I focused. Any lingering thought in my mind that it could have been a dream disappeared as I tore through the flesh of a Titan's neck, cleaving through the nape and feeling the distinct strain on my muscles as I flew by.

Levi and I - as usual - flew and fought as though we knew what Titans would be where and that we practiced beforehand how we would kill each one. The gate drew ever nearer, and all too soon, we were within sight of it.

I sped up, getting ahead of him by just a few paces. It was all I needed. Knowing he would go for the napes without needing to even look at him, I did what I could to make it easier, especially considering that as I got close enough, I could make out the sight of a huddled group of soldiers. That would explain, at any rate, why the Titans were not facing us. Honestly, it just made the whole thing easier; their napes were right in front of us. Still, to ensure the soldiers were not harmed, I hooked to the closer of the two and swung around its body, using the momentum to send out another wire as soon as I could to attack the one that was now reaching for the huddled group. My blades tore through the flesh of its wrist, rendering its hands useless.

I realized at that moment, as I turned midair and hooked back to that Titan now that it was writhing in pain, that perhaps I had cut it too close; the Titan had been very close to grabbing one of the soldiers in the huddle and now that they were safe, I allowed myself to look at them.

The emblems on their hearts were clear even from here. They were cadets, and there were three of them in this huddle. By now, Levi had ripped through the nape of each Titan, and I let my wire pull me in so I could land against the back of one.

I planted my feet and stood against it as it collapsed to the ground. With a resounding thud that seemed to shake the very earth, the Titans were both dead and on the ground, these three cadets saved. Considering that there against the gate was the boulder, I had to believe that one of the three kids before us was... was able to become a Titan.

I faced the trio, and Levi landed against the other Titan's back with his back to them. Distinctly I was able to note the coppery tang of blood and scent of decaying flesh and the awful stench of death being carried on the wind, but it was fresh and cool, flowing through our cloaks and shifting our hair. I sheathed my blades, and Levi finally looked over his shoulder, back at the kids.

They... they looked so tired. I couldn't blame them. They'd been through a lot today. It was a damned miracle they were alright. There were two men and a woman. The lone girl was strikingly beautiful, with black hair and a scarf that probably started red but was darkened by blood and muck now wrapped around her neck. One of the boys had a head of golden blond hair and shining blue eyes, ones that seemed to reflect all of what little sunlight there was left streaming in from beyond the walls.

And the third kid, the second boy... chocolate brown hair, yet slumped over. The poor thing looked exhausted and he had these strange gouge marks in his skin. Everything about him was peculiar. Because of those marks, and an instinctive feeling that there was something strange about him, I knew what I was looking at: he who could become a Titan.

"Pay attention, kiddos," Levi finally spoke up. "This is the part where you explain to me exactly what it is I'm looking at."

—

It was a memory from long ago. It was. And it somehow still felt like yesterday. But it wasn't - it was back in the year 850. God, things were so different then. Not different in a good way, no. Not at all.

Well... maybe in some ways.

If I were here in the year 850, at this spot (though surely I wouldn't be, because we were confined to the walls), I wouldn't be seeing a war-torn, footstep-ridden hell-scape. I'd be seeing a lush landscape of wildflowers and tall grasses swaying in the wind, emboldened by last week's storms, preparing for the fall to come and after that, winter...

Despite the heaviness in my heart at the loss of the walls and the battles and knowing that Eren was off doing who-knows-what and I wasn't there to help, and that Levi could very well be dead right now, I still held some hope within my heart. Last time I thought that Levi was dead, only a few precious days ago, I'd been proven wrong.

Hange and Levi were smart and strong. They were fantastic leaders. They had quite the battalion alongside them. And Eren could probably listen to reason... right? Especially if it was Mikasa and Armin talking with him? Surely, he didn't really think that killing the rest of the world was a good idea, right?

Maybe Levi would kick him again, and knock some sense into him.

God, I hoped I was right.

I could understand where Eren was coming from. Violence against us was something we'd likely never escape. Especially not now. But perhaps a compromise could be made. Certainly, more surprising things had happened in history. We could come up with something, couldn't we? Something that could allow us all to move on past this?

"Captain Amaya."

The call of my title and name came from nowhere at all, and yet sounded like it came from everywhere all at the same time. The tones reverberated in my head as my head turned this way and that as though on a swivel trying to figure out where it had come from.

I knew that voice.

"Eren?"

"Right here, captain."

As the words were uttered, everything came into color, bright and bold against my eyes and I had to close my eyes for a moment as everything cleared. When my eyes opened, they did so slowly, the environment around me coming into clearer focus.

I was standing in the courtyard of the old, dusty castle. Well, that made sense. We had only a few days left before the expedition. There was still lots to prepare, experiments to run, plans and backup plans to memorize.

But that was for later. Eren called out for me.

I turned towards the voice and there stood Eren. He looked worried for me, a slight pinch in his brow and a frown on his lips giving that away. "Is everything alright, captain?"

"Everything's fine," I said to the boy. "Don't worry about me. I just... zoned out, for a moment, I think. Was there something you needed?"

There was something strange hidden in his eyes, like he knew something I didn't. But then he sighed and seemed to... deflate a little. His shoulders slumped and he looked terribly tired all of a sudden.

"Eren? Are you alright? You're not, are you?"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"You can always be honest with me, Eren."

"Ok. To answer your question, then... Not really, no," he answered. "I'm not alright. Could we go on a walk, please? I don't want Captain Levi to find me out here or he'll toss me right back into the basement."

"He wouldn't," I assured him. "Not if I had something to say about it... But of course we can take a walk."

The two of us fell into step together. He took measured strides to keep pace with me, and it was terribly endearing and cute to think that he needed to slow down for my sake. We walked right across the courtyard and into the hall lining it, then passed right through to the grounds round back of the fortress. The forest trails here really were lovely.

Perfect on a spring day like this, and perfect for a walk like this.

"There's something troubling you, Eren," I said gently, glancing up at him.

"There's a lot troubling me," he replied. "I can't talk about a lot of it."

"Ah, youth," I mused teasingly. He huffed irately, blush rising up his neck and settling on his ears. He directed his gaze away from me so I couldn't see it. I chuckled affectionately. "I'm only teasing, Eren."

"I know," he sighed again. He was doing that a lot, today. "Captain, how many people would you say you've killed?"

I stopped walking. "Eren, that's not exactly... I didn't tell you my life story for you to ask these kinds of questions."

"Just an estimate," he said, stopping a few paces ahead of me. He turned his head to look back at me, his emerald eyes dull and haunted now. My eyebrows furrowed as I considered it.

"A lot," I replied slowly. "Dozens? I don't know, I didn't keep track of that sort of thing. I just hope that whatever number it is, I will stop there. I don't want to kill anyone else."

"What if someone were to kill billions?"

"B-Billions?!"

"Yes."

"That's an unfathomable number... Why are you asking me this?"

"Do you think someone who could kill billions of people deserves forgiveness?"

"I... I don't know, I..."

"Captain, please."

"I guess... I would have to know why they were doing it. The people I killed underground were people I needed to for jobs or for self-defense. But a billion people is... unfathomable. I can't see what even a thousand people could do to you to deserve that, let alone a single billion."

"I see," he replied quietly. "What if someone did it for the same reason you fight so hard to keep Levi and Emiko safe?"

"Emiko...? Who is that?"

"No one, yet," Eren replied. "But let's just say that this person did it all for love. To protect those they loved most."

"What would billions of people do to warrant being killed by one person?" I asked. "I like to think I'm a rather forgiving person, but billions of people... that's so many. We don't have nearly that many people here, even before we lost Wall Maria."

"Right," he mused, his focus sliding away from me. "It's really not that important, captain. Just a hypothetical." He took a moment to collect his thoughts before his eyes met mine again. The sun peeked out from the breaks in the trees above, the dappled light illuminating his face in a pretty way. "Let's say you have a daughter. Is there anything you would want for her?"

"Want for her...? A daughter? Eren, all you saw Levi do was kiss me, it really wasn't enough to-"

"I know," he interjected, an embarrassed expression taking over his face again.

Hell, I couldn't blame him. Even I was embarrassed. To start a family with Levi... that would be incredible. I wouldn't lie to myself and say that I'd never thought of it, but I just hadn't thought of it happening anytime soon. There was a lot of work to do before I could think about having a child.

There was still so much to figure out. Barring, of course, the ever-constant threat of the Titans, things were just so dangerous now. The Regiment needed me. Erwin needed me in top form. So did Levi. Everyone was counting on me. Could I still do my job - and do it well - while pregnant?

I wouldn't be able to fight, that was for damn sure. That by itself I could not do: bow out of the fighting. No way. Not now. Even if I wanted to, the Scouts needed all the people they could right now. And right before an expedition? Goodness.

Erwin would have my head if I announced I was pregnant right before a mission.

Besides, I had no idea if Levi even wanted children. I didn't know if he even wanted one, let alone several. We haven't even really had so much as a conversation about it yet. In passing, sure. I'd mentioned wanting a family one day. Not specifically soon, or even specifically with him if that's not what he wanted, but...

It was so much to think about and I wasn't even pregnant.

And besides, having a daughter... Well, I grew up with only El and Caden. I think I'd like to have a little boy, if I had to choose.

"If I have children someday," I said quietly, bringing Eren's flustered gaze back to me, "I think I'd want them to never be scared. There's a lot of scary stuff both in these walls and waiting just outside. I'd want my children to never be afraid of any of that. And... to be safe. Levi and I have fought enough, and even we're not done yet. But my children... I wouldn't want them to have to fight at all."

"I see," Eren said. A bird perched on one of the branches above his head. I glanced up at it, at the way it peered down at us with intelligent eyes, a tilted head. "One day," Eren continued, "in the future, I'm going to take the charge in starting a mass genocide."

My eyes snapped back to his, but he had pivoted slightly, looking up at the bird. As if noticing the weight of my gaze on the side of his head, he turned back to face me, his eyes of green almost unsettling as they met mine.

They were... different now. He looked tired. No, exhausted. Completely drained of everything he had in him. So unlike the eyes I came to expect when I looked at his face, so full of hope and determination and everything that made him Eren.

The sudden change was unnerving and a shiver ran down my spine. "Eren...?"

It took all I had to recall what he'd just said to me. Genocide? Mass genocide. That's what he said. I was going to ask if he was joking but that's not the kind of thing someone would joke about. At least, it wasn't my type of humor.

Those eyes of his told me that he wasn't joking. Not in the slightest. But if he meant it... why? How? Was this planned? Preordained? What in the hell was happening right now?

"It's years from now, don't worry," he said, and I wanted to scoff. As though that was reassuring. I blinked and suddenly he wasn't the young Eren I knew anymore, but taller, with longer hair tied back messily and his eyes... oh, his eyes.

I blinked again, hoping he'd change back. He didn't. A pang of worry struck my heart. He just changed right before my eyes. What was happening? Was this a dream? It didn't feel like one. But what would explain this?

My focus kept returning to his eyes. They were the same shade of green but had none of the light behind them. None of the fire. The drive. Everything was missing from his eyes that I normally saw and... it made me sad.

I wasn't sure if this was some dream or vision or if I was just experiencing hallucinations from something I might have accidentally ingested but if this was the future Eren would come to see... I didn't want to ever see him like this. It was heartbreaking. He just looked so... down. So sad. So broken. Destroyed, mentally and physically and emotionally.

He looked like so many people that lived in the Underground City. Defeated, before anything could even really happen. Determined, but cynical. Aware that no matter how much you fight... it might be for naught.

I wanted to help him. So, instinctually, I reached out towards him. "Eren," I said softly as my hand neared his skin, offering him every opportunity to pull away if he wanted to. He surprised me; he let me place my hand on his cheek. I could feel the distinct titan marks on his skin, the gouges deep and still warm. "Is this really you...?"

"Yes."

"What happened to you?"

"We discovered the truth of where we live," he explained. My other hand slowly came to grasp the fabric over my heart and I kept my other hand where it was, gently wiping away the tears that formed in that eye as they came. "I started a war against our enemies. They attacked the island, and I decided to destroy the rest of the world so that my friends might be safe."

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing you need to worry about right now. What you've said is enough."

"Eren, you look so tired."

"Would you ever be scared of me, captain? If I stood before you like this?"

"You're standing like this in front of me right now," I told him. "And I'm not scared."

"Really? After everything I've told you?"

Oh, those eyes of his.

"Really," I affirmed gently. "I could never be scared of you."

"Why not?"

Well, that was easy, and so I smiled. "Because I know you. I know you don't do things without reason, even if I don't understand them."

He let a small smile curl on his lip. "That's... good to hear."

"I'm not scared," I said gently, "but I am worried for you. What's happening, Eren? Let me help you."

"You can't," he told me. "But you're certainly going to try." He gently guided my hand away from his face and instead pulled me in for a hug.

Well, this was just fucking weird. Probably best to just go with it. This was still Eren, but... older. Different. Haunted. Tired. I wasn't sure how and I wasn't sure why this was happening, but... I hugged him back.

"Thank you, captain."

"For what?"

"Everything. You're a great captain, a fantastic leader, and... someone who became like a second mother to me. Thank you for that."

"Eren, I-"

"You won't remember this conversation until I die," he said. "Just know that it wasn't your fault. And don't worry. Emi won't ever be in harm's way."

"Who...?"

"Goodbye, captain."

"Eren, wait!"

Before he could turn, before he could walk away, before the grips of what I knew to be reality to catch up with me... I took hold of his arm, and he looked down at me incredulously. "Captain?"

"Please, Eren," I began. "You really should rest... you look exhausted."

Something strange crossed his face, then. Something familiar, something terribly like the Eren I knew. "Always so concerned with how I'm doing..."

"I care about you," I said simply, looping my arm with his and leading him away, towards a nearby bench. "Here, let's sit..."

"Captain..."

"Please."

"...Alright."

He sat with me, and for a few moments, only birdsong found our ears. I kept hold of his arm, in case he might slip away if I let my guard down, but he seemed content to sit here for a while. And when I finally gathered what I wanted to say, I spoke.

"I remember, now."

"Yes," Eren replied. "I figured you should remember everything, now. Thought you'd want to talk about it all, since you're keeping me here."

I fought the urge to laugh. As though I had the power to do that.

No, he was choosing to stay. And for however long I had, I would cherish this time.

"I missed you, Eren."

"I missed you too."

"Why did you not come home with us?"

"I needed to set things up," he answered cryptically, and yet I understood. "In order for those I care about to have lived the best lives they can given every outcome... this was the only way to do it."

"You sacrificed yourself for them," I clarified.

"I did. Everything I did was to get everyone in the right place."

"So, even the deaths...?"

"If not for what I did," Eren said, "we would have lost a lot more."

"I see."

A pause.

"Thank you, Eren."

He did not reply. He glanced sidelong at me once, hesitantly and almost shyly. "Do you want to see Shiganshina?"

"I've been there a lot," I told him.

"I mean for..."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "I..."

Did I? Ignorance was bliss. Did I want to watch such a hard battle? Did I want to watch Erwin die, among so many others, including Moblit? Did I want to see everyone pushed well past their limits?

In a sick way... I did. I wanted to understand.

"Yes," I answered. "Please. Show me."

And he did.

All it took was a blink for our environment to completely change. Suddenly, we were standing at the foot of a wall, and I wasn't left wondering where we were or why we were here for long. As I occupied myself looking up and up and up, because I'd admittedly forgotten already how tall the damn things were, all was quiet. When my eyes reached the top, I let them drift then to the homes in the area - abandoned, empty, desolate.

It was terrible, what happened here. But...

My thoughts trailed off and I went still. Something was coming.

I heard something like distant thunder, but it was far too faint. When I walked out into the road to get a better look at the sky, Eren placed his hand onto my shoulder, drawing me back into the shadows.

The thunder only continued to roll, and that only proved that it was not truly thunder at all. I began to be able to decipher the noise far better as it came closer, and that's when I figured it out: it was the thundering of so many hooves pounding against the dirt, and coming this way.

In came the scouts.

Leading the charge was Levi, standing atop his horse. "Oh, what a drama queen," I said with a laugh as he raced past, followed by the rest of the regiment. "He stole that move from me, you know. I used to do that all the time."

"Oh," Eren said, some amusement lifting his voice, "is that right?"

I tried focusing on the way he leapt off his charge, that beautiful mare of his, and zipped upwards, flying towards the sky - but it was hard to, given the fact that I was being passed by faces I had grown to miss.

There was Hange, and there was Moblit... oh, Moblit, this was his last battle... Ah, up top already was Erwin, and there went another, and another, and... oh, there were the kids! Oh, they looked so young!

"Eren," I said, grabbing his arm, "look at you, oh! And... And Sasha! You all look so young and... so healthy, and..."

"And alive," Eren provided.

There now went Floch, terrified on that horse of his, and my heart thumped painfully for a beat. Just a courageous boy, then. He grew up to become so much more than that.

We moved, then.

I watched from atop the wall as on either side, chaos ensued. I watched my comrades fall. I watched everyone panic, fight to their fullest, and... through hardship and strife, emerge victorious despite it all.

And... I watched Erwin lead the suicide charge. I watched Levi use the Titans to get close to Zeke. I watched their battle. I watched how exhausted he was, and yet he pushed on. I saw how far he pushed himself on that day.

Before I knew what was happening, I was then back underground, seated at a chair with a boy in my lap and... my father sitting across from me, admiring the gifts we'd gotten him. I was not watching from outside my own body, he had planted me here, just here, where I had been once before.

Eren was standing beside me, watching.

Knowing he wouldn't hear me here, I looked up at Eren when finally I could pry my eyes away from the nearly sleeping boy in my arms.

"Eren?"

"You always spoke so fondly of them," he said. "I couldn't help but want to meet them."

I looked down at myself. I was so pale, so malnourished. The clothes hung loose on my body, because it was the best we could do. El had hoped that one day I might fill these clothes more, that they might fit as they meant to. But this had been all we had.

We moved once more.

I watched myself step into the moonlight for the first time, Levi watching on. Then... telling Levi I was pregnant. Playing music with Mason. Eld teaching me to dance. Meeting Caden. Farlan pestering me about joining the gang. Teaching Isabel to fly. And a thousand more moments, suspended in time and crystal clear as day.

It was a whirlwind, but perfectly comprehensible. It was a rush, but taking its time. And by my side the whole time... Eren.

It all got faster and faster until we came to a stop by the ocean, at that picnic I'd made for him so long ago... back when I thought I could bring him back to us.

How wrong I had been.

"Does it hurt? Seeing it all," I asked, looking at him even as I reached for a grape.

"It does."

"You knew, didn't you?" I asked, looking at him directly, and not out at the horizon. He was already looking at me, a solemn and deeply exhausted look in his eyes. "At the beach. You weren't looking at the water or even the horizon, but past it." He didn't have to even nod for me to know that I was right.

"I remember you saying something about it... about killing everyone there, I think," I continued. "But you knew. You knew we'd be enamored by those people, those beautiful cultures. But you knew what you would do, who we would be to them."

The scenery changed and now we were in a field, with manmade structures overrun by nature, reclaimed by the earth. And in a beautiful field of wildflowers...

"This is what I thought the world was, so long ago," Eren, that haunted adult he was, said from beside me.

The child before us was smiling, actually beaming, looking so incredibly happy to be alive it hurt my heart knowing what would happen to him and I slid my hands into my pockets to keep from reaching for him.

"This is what I wanted the world to be," he went on to say. "Kind, peaceful, beautiful... But it wasn't."

"But it is," I argued gently, looking up at him. His eyes were already focused on me, something like regret in his eyes. "Don't look at me like that. You know it's true. Just admit it."

"I..."

"Eren."

"It... Fine."

"There is darkness in it, yes," I said, looking back towards the child. "Histories we can't forget, debts we cannot repay, choices we cannot live with, lives we can never get back. But life is beautiful, and people are kind, and there are moments of peace - if you only know how to appreciate them."

"I guess I wasn't good at that."

"Not everyone is," I said. "But you certainly saw enough to sacrifice yourself for us."

At last... he looked down at me, and he smiled. And when a smile found my lips, I could feel everything slipping away, but not before I could see a tear slide down his cheek.

—

I hardly even had the time to think about that dream I'd had before Elijah and I set off again. Only once we were on the road did I allow myself to think about it. I honestly thought it was a nightmare, at first.

Was it a dream? I didn't know. In my dreams, I either saw pure nonsense, nothing, nightmares, or, more recently I'd started seeing... memories. Reliving parts of my life I hadn't thought of for a long, long time. I think part of that was because of how close I'd been to death.

I'd nearly died out by the coast and my brain, instead of having my life flash before my eyes, forced me to relive things as dreams. I wasn't complaining, but... did that mean what I saw - that vision of Eren - was real? A memory? Something I'd seen and experienced before?

By the power of his Founding Titan, or however he did it, he'd come to see me, back when things were so linear. But they weren't linear; Erwin had already had his suspicions of traitors to humanity, of people like Eren who could summon a Titan body. He'd already thought that there were people beyond our walls, wanting us to be completely picked off by Titans.

Why Eren had wanted to see me at that point in time was beyond me, but perhaps it had something to do with just how little we knew. How little... I knew. If he was doing this all out of love for his friends, and he had the power and knowledge the whole time on what he was to do and what was to happen...

Was he suffering alone all this time, then? Because he couldn't tell anyone? Because at that point he had no idea what any of what he knew was? Just how long did he know that he was going to eventually start the Rumbling?

Even knowing as young as he was then - like 15 - was far too young. When he started it at around 19 years of age, that was still far too big an undertaking for someone so young, with so much to do, to experience.

To be burdened with the knowledge of your own sins before you even committed them, especially one as big as this, and to be all alone... It was terrible. And at the same time, he'd also been burdened with the knowledge that he was to die.

And he was dead now.

That's why I could remember it.

It was terrible. I only wish I could've done more for him.

All that recounting and thinking and wishing I'd been there more for the boy only accounted for me being quiet for a little while. The rest, well... What was there to say? What was there to talk about?

I just needed to get home. That was all there was to it.

—

Certainly, if I hadn't known Shiganshina by sight by now, I'd have never known that we'd reached the territory that had once, not too long ago, been bordered by walls. But we rode through the city, and the telltale sights and sounds and smells of a city recovering from a battle filled my senses.

I peeked out of the wagon's windows as it rolled slowly down the uneven streets. It had to slow down; we'd been making good time before this, but the roads were positively crowded with workers and citizens of the district, and even some soldiers, all assisting with the cleanup effort.

The voices of people shouting back and forth to each other allowed me to pick up bits and pieces of their conversations.

"Where did that slacker Jonesy go? He promised to be out here with those boards an hour ago!"

"I saw him take off with Cyril a while back!"

"We need a hand lifting this plank! Mind helping out for a minute?"

"Got another building about to collapse here. Get some support beams under it!"

"Hey, kid, hold this in place will ya? I just need to nail it in."

"Yes, sir!"

The homes were of the top priority. I could've guessed that without needing to see it. Countless homes had been crushed by the spontaneous titan transformations, others torn apart by rocks, and many more set aflame. I know it hadn't been that long since this battle, only a few fleeting days, but it seemed as though it'd only ended minutes ago with just how little had gotten done.

Maybe I hadn't been away for all that long, then. Or at least, not as long as I thought I was. But maybe it had less to do with how long I'd been away and more about just how much needed to be done. It was a terrible battle. A lot had been lost, a lot had been broken. The cleanup for this would take a long, long time.

By the time I left with the Alliance, the tremulous footsteps of the Rumbling had already passed the territory that had lain within the walls, but the effects of that entire day were still so fresh and raw here.

The people we passed by walked with hunched shoulders and deep-set bags under their eyes, but they continued to work, to press on, because otherwise the work would never get done. And there was a lot to do. Maybe that's why it didn't seem like a lot had changed since last I was here; the effects of the battle had been so damn huge; the smallest bit of effort didn't seem to fix a thing. Not yet anyway.

A gasp left me as I watched a woman collapse suddenly under the weight of a wooden beam that she had been working to lift back into place. Many of the nearby people rushed to her aid but I found that my entire body had twitched with the anticipation of movement, only to be stopped by the reminder that I couldn't help right now.

I wanted nothing more than to help with the clean-up effort here, but I couldn't. Not with these injuries. I forced my gaze back into the wagon, and I looked down at the floor between my feet. I needed to focus on anything other than what was going on outside. My eyes drifted towards the gear. Reyes' gear.

I wondered briefly if my gear was still at the base by home. I couldn't use it right now anyway, this I knew. It made my heart hurt slightly realizing that I might not ever get to use the gear at all, ever again. With this leg injury, I might not ever comfortably walk again, the damage was so bad.

To use the gear... It was probably far too out of the question to even consider it right now. I might need this crutch for the rest of my days, until I was old and gray. Knowing that I might not ever get to fly again made me deeply, incredibly sad.

I didn't want to fight anymore. I'd decided that already. I told myself that as soon as this mess was over, we'd be done, Levi and me both. I'd been pushed out of the fighting early by my injuries. I was done fighting, for good.

But I wanted to fly again, at least. I loved just having the freedom to use the gear. But I couldn't ever again. And that was a terrible truth to come to terms with.

"Miss Amaya," Elijah said, calling my attention to him. "We're headed to Trost, are we not?"

"We are," I answered. "If you don't mind."

"'Course not," he replied. "You know, I used to have a buddy in Trost..."

I settled back into my seat comfortably, preparing myself to dive into whatever story he was about to tell. He kept glancing back at me from his seat with a wide smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.

That alone made me think that this storytelling wasn't quite for me, or because he particularly wanted me to know whatever it is that he had to say, but perhaps it was more to distract himself from what was happening all around us.

To that end, I let my full attention go to him. Perhaps I'd even tell one of my own - a story for a story. I certainly had lots of my own to tell.

—

As the landscape passed by, I did my best to look for any landmarks that I could use to determine where we were. I knew what road we were on, of course. I knew exactly where this road led to, but without the Walls, and with terrible damage done to the cities and countryside that rendered a lot of it almost unrecognizable, it was all too easy to imagine that we weren't on Paradis, that maybe we were somewhere foreign.

I could see a far-off river, cluing me in to where we were as I recognized the foothills it curved through. I let a sense of ease settle over me. We were in the countryside of Wall Maria, still headed north to Trost. I could really only hope at this point for two things: one, that my letter had reached Reyes and his family; and two, that his home was even still standing.

The letter had traveled faster than we had, especially with the brief rest we'd taken this morning for the horses. But whether they'd gone home, I had no idea. And with the way we were going, of course we wouldn't pass by my home in Wall Rose. I couldn't help but worry, of course, if it were even still standing.

Odds were, it'd been crushed by the Rumbling, alongside countless other homes, businesses, and shops. Sure, the Titans had been ordered to not hurt Eldians, but there had been so many accidental deaths and structures destroyed. But the people of Paradis were hardy and resourceful. That much had been made clear, with the way that so many were working hard to repair home.

That was a problem for later, however. Reyes offered me a place to stay if my home wasn't left standing. I had that to be grateful for. Tonight, when I went to sleep... there would be a familiar roof above my head.

Without the walls, navigation was difficult, and so road signs had been put up, labeling how far from the boundaries once set by the walls we were. It was just so strange, looking off into the distance and... not seeing them.

They were just gone. I really hadn't had the time to even appreciate that fact when it happened, because of how quickly everything happened. Everyone had gone through a lot these past few days. I was included with that.

In just a manner of days, there'd been a huge battle that nearly drove me to my breaking point. I'd nearly given up. I'd gone from hearing news of my husband's death to rumors that he was alive and finally seeing him terribly injured, on the brink of death himself.

But the walls falling... it was incredible, but also terrible, to think about. I wasn't sure if it was a blessing or not. For so long, we'd wanted to escape the Walls. They'd stood for so long, protecting us from titans. They'd inadvertently trapped us yet protected us from Titans and outside forces.

How were we to know that while we were hiding away within them, it meant that Marley couldn't attack us for fear of those very same Titans they'd sent to kill us were left outside?

The walls had been so terribly confining. Never in my life had a feeling paralleled how absolutely freeing and liberating it was to leave the Walls behind and head into open territory for the very first time, the Wings of Freedom fresh on my back. And once the Titans were all gone? That sense of freedom had been incredible, too.

But now, I felt so terribly exposed. If others came to fight us, what would protect us? We were a tiny island, with a tiny population compared to the rest of the world. As such, our military was almost laughably small. If others came to fight us directly...

We'd be screwed.

I wouldn't say that I missed the walls, exactly, but rather the protection that they once offered. Home didn't feel quite as safe, now.

"Excuse me, Miss Amaya," Elijah piped up. "We're approaching Trost."

I looked, and so we were. I leaned forward in my seat, offering my directions to lead him to Reyes' home. Trost looked considerably nicer than Shiganshina. There was damage, yes, but not nearly as much as that poor town had seen. That at least was promising.

When finally we made it to Reyes' street, I told him to stop. The road was thin, and I didn't want him worrying about getting the cart down there. "It's only a few homes down," I assured him as he looked at me warily.

He hopped off the seat anyway and hurried to open the door and help me down. When I was standing securely on my own, the crutch under my shoulder, he helped me shoulder the pack of gear on my other arm.

"Would you like me to help walk you down?" He asked. "I don't want to make you-"

"No, no," I cut him off with a smile. "I'm fine. Don't worry."

"But, Miss, your injuries-"

"-Don't hurt nearly as much as they did yesterday," I interjected. "Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm tough."

"I'm sure you are," he said sheepishly. "But it won't sit well with my conscience if I allow you to walk there on your own, hurt as you are."

"It's appreciated more than you know," I told him, "but I've done worse. Thank you so much for bringing me this far." I bowed my head slightly to him and very reluctantly, he took a step away.

"If you're sure..."

"I am," I said through a laugh. "Go ahead and get home. That's where I'm headed."

I turned away, starting to hobble down the road towards Reyes' home. Elijah called out his farewells, and I could distinctly hear the reins snap as he went about his way. I let out a breath. I really was here. As I walked, I did what I could to appear as though nothing was wrong, that nothing was hurting.

Truth was, my entire body was hurting. The painkillers could only do so much against the dull aches wracking through my body. Even now I could feel the throbbing stemming from my leg, at the many lacerations that were still so delicate.

I really should have stayed put but I didn't want to be without my daughter for any longer. I'd done my fighting. I could fight no longer. So... I needed to be with her. That might be the only way to keep me sane right now, while the rest of my family had just killed that boy that had once been a son to me.

My eyes traveled upwards. It was a pretty summer day, that was for sure. The sun filtered down between the trees arching over the road. This part of Trost was rather calm. It was a quiet neighborhood, lined with trees. The leaves were all a very vivid, beautiful green, swaying with the branches in the wind. Birdsong accompanied the sound of my footsteps as I made my way down the cobblestone road.

I stopped when I reached the fence gate leading to Reyes' home. I stayed still for a moment, just to listen. Please, just let me hear a single sound. Just one. Just let me know that they're there. That they're ok.

I didn't have to wait long. A bright, bubbly peal of laughter came from inside, escaping through the open windows. My breath caught in my throat; it was Emiko. That could only have been her laugh. The sound of her laughter alone was enough to lift the heaviness that had settled in my chest.

Walking the short way down this road, I'd gotten plenty of stares from the few people I'd passed by. I did my best to ignore it, at the way their eyes oh so obviously lingered on my bandaged, broken body, and at the fresh bandages winding around my head to cover my missing ear. I could feel the way they focused on the limp in my gait, the slight hunch in my stature as I struggled even to walk this short way.

A few of the people I recognized from afternoons spent wandering the markets, the late nights in the bar, the mornings bringing Emi to the park within the district. Those that recognized me offered polite bows of their heads, but not much more than that. Those that didn't recognize me simply stared. I didn't appreciate it, exactly, but I couldn't blame them. I probably looked like a ghost.

Honestly. Did they have to stare? Trost had seen its fair share of battle, what with the titans coming in. They knew what death and tragedy looked like. And they knew damn well that there was a battle in Shiganshina. So did they really need to stare at me like that?

Still, I could handle the looks. I could handle the weight of their eyes on me, judging silently. Even with all of that, and even if I'd be seen as a freak, all I needed right now was to get to Emi.

It was funny, really.

Even if the world burned, all that really mattered was getting back to her. As long as I had her, and as long as I held onto the hope that Levi was alive, I could keep fighting. Even if I couldn't do so physically right now, I could fight in other ways. I'd given my all into fighting for the future I wanted for her. One of peace, of freedom.

I might not have made it all the way and helped mold that future, I had done all that I could to help the others get there. And that... that I could be proud of. I wanted to fight for her future, and I had. I'd nearly lost my life doing so. I'd done all that I could. It might not have been as much as others, but I'd helped protect them while at the same time helping them along to the next leg of their journey. I could be content with that, for now.

Because at the end of the day, Emi was here. My pretty little flower, my little carbon copy of Levi.

Even if Levi... if he really was dead, she had his eyes. At least I could still look at her and be reminded of him. But the thing was, I didn't really know if he was dead. He might have died in the harbor. Or maybe there'd been a miracle and he'd managed to survive until they set off... only to face more danger. I didn't want to think about that right now. I couldn't.

I still had Emi. That was what mattered right now. Nothing else. Everything else would come with time. It was odd, really. Everything was completely out of my hands. There was absolutely nothing left for me to do right now. And that was strange for me. For once in my life, I really was completely free of my duties. I could do anything, go anywhere.

But there was nowhere else right now that I wanted to be than with my daughter. I'd spent too much time away from her already.

My heart, while it swelled with hope of finally seeing Emi again, was also encased in icy-cold fear as I thought about where everyone else was. While liberating to not even be able to fight anymore, to have that option made up for me by my own body and not by others... it was just as terrible knowing that I wasn't with them, wherever they were.

My entire body and mind were so indecisive right now. I was hurt so much that I couldn't fight. Normally I'd feel nothing aside from guilt, fear, and that I was useless. Those were all true, however I was also, in a sick way, relieved. Relieved that I didn't have to fight Eren. Relieved that I didn't have to watch more of my comrades die. Instead, the news would be brought to me.

Though even that realization came with another wave of guilt knowing that if I hadn't messed up and let my guard down, I might have been able to help them more. But if I hadn't got hurt, I might have been killed, or worse, had to watch more of my loved ones die.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was feeling, nor what I should feel. With each breath, it all changed. With each moment, I went from feeling relieved to terrified and back again.

And then I remembered that I promised Emiko that I'd return to her and bring Levi home with me when I did.

Me and my big mouth.

Oh, goddesses. What was I going to tell her? And how? How could I even begin to explain that her mother had lied, that I hadn't brought him back with me? That I didn't know where he was? That I hadn't saved the world like she believed I would? That I had tried my best, but my best wasn't nearly good enough?

I had no more time to think however, because the door suddenly opened, and Emi came running out. My heart leapt up into my throat as I threw the gate open, dropping down into a crouch as soon as I was through. A sharp pain shot up my leg from my injury, but it hadn't reopened, this I knew. Not that I particularly cared right now, not when Emi was running up to me. The crutch fell to the side as my arms opened wide for her.

"Mommy!"

"Emi," I called back, my voice giving out partway through. She continued to run to me, not slowing down for anything as she ran. As soon as she was able, she threw herself at me, her arms wrapping around my neck and her face burrowing into my neck. I hugged her close, holding her to me as close as was possible. Tears welled up in my eyes, stinging them, but I didn't dare let out even a single sob.

One of my hands came to cradle the back of her head while the other wound around her to rub her back soothingly. She leaned all her weight on me, and I allowed myself to fall back onto my bottom. She was crying, wailing her head off, repeatedly calling for me even if I was right here.

I continued to rub her back, hushing her gently. "Hush love," I murmured, "I'm here. I'm here."

"Mommy," she repeated, a hiccup cutting through her words. "It's you!"

"I know, I know," I cooed. "Mommy's here, I've got you." I choked back a sob. "I'm never leaving you again, Emi. Never." She began to wail again, and I squeezed my eyes shut. "Shh, love. Shh. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

A footstep sounded further up the path close to the house and I opened my eyes to see Reyes standing there, flanked by his sons. He eyed me cautiously, eyes lingering on the bandages lining my head. I could see the questions dancing in his eyes, but it wasn't the time to ask them. Not right now.

I could tell that the kids wanted to ask me questions, as did Reyes, but for now I concentrated only on my daughter. I had missed her so much and I didn't ever want to let her go ever again. Hopefully, I wouldn't need to.

"M-Mommy," she hiccupped again. I rocked us back and forth, enjoying just being able to hold her. Goodness, it'd only been a few days, but it felt like a lifetime.

"Oh, love," I said, "hush your little head."

"I missed y-you," she managed to get out.

"I missed you too, darling," I cooed. "So, so much."

"Can't we go home now?"

"Of course," I said. "We'll go home as soon as we can."

"And is daddy there? You promised you'd bring him back."

"Oh, Emi, I... he's not here," I told her carefully. "He's not coming home for a while."

"Where is he?"

"Not here," I said again. "I don't know where he is. But he's strong, right? So strong, just like you. He'll come home to us when he'd ready. He's still away saving the world, sweetheart."

"But I miss him..."

"I miss him too," I replied. "I told him that, and he misses you too. So, so much. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you anymore, Emi."

We stayed sat there in Reyes' front lawn for a long time. I really couldn't tell how much time had passed, but Reyes and his family had headed back inside, offering us the quiet time to ourselves. Emi, surprisingly, stayed with me the whole time.

She told me little stories once I'd gotten comfortable in the grass and she'd settled into my lap. I was content to just hold her in my arms and listen to all the little things she'd been doing with the family, and she was content to just sit in my arms and talk. And talk she did. I missed hearing her little voice.

It was only when she needed to use the bathroom that we got up. She crawled out of my lap and stood, skipping a few paces up the pathway leading to the door before realizing I wasn't following her. I was trying, I really was. I had my crutch in hand again, and I worked to get my good leg under me. I stumbled a bit, trying to stand. Emi's eyes widened as she saw this and ran back to me, her little hands clasping around my arm.

"Mommy! What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"I'm ok, I'm ok," I assured her. "Give me some room, love." She backed up hesitantly, her hands fisting the skirt of the dress she was wearing worriedly. I gathered myself again, my free hand helping to brace against the ground as I got onto my right leg. I managed to stand, wobbling slightly before easing my weight back onto my left leg again. "Ah," I said, "see? I'm all set."

I reached for her hand with my free one, and she took it eagerly. She watched me carefully as we walked towards the house, and I couldn't help but find it cute, the way that she seemed so concerned for me. It was as though she was my caretaker, making sure I was walking ok as she accompanied me. If I fell, I wasn't sure how she would help, but it certainly warmed my heart knowing that she was watching me so carefully.

It was pretty damn rare that I let others take care of me, but I couldn't deny that it made me feel loved. Though I wished it hadn't taken me almost dying to get me to this point, to willingly allow others to worry for me.

When we reached the door, she rose onto her toes to knock, as though she needed to be taller to do it. That made me chuckle lightly. The door opened quickly, and I briefly entertained the idea that they'd been waiting by the door for us. I was helped inside by Kai, the oldest of Reyes' sons. Emi let go of me and ran a few steps ahead only to turn and watch as Kai looped his arm with mine to help me inside.

"I'm alright," I told him. "You don't need to escort me."

"I want to," he said. "Besides, my dad didn't raise me to not help a woman in need."

"Well," I laughed, "I'm not a woman in need. I can walk."

"Amaya," I heard Reyes say, "come sit. Kai, help her here."

I looked away from Kai to see Reyes settling at the living room table with a tray of tea balanced on his palms. "I just told you, I don't-"

Reyes fixed me with a stern look. "Young lady, you are absolutely in need of help. Now just let him help you sit down."

My eyes widened. Emi dashed ahead of us to sit in the center of the couch, with Reyes on one side of her and with me settling down on the other. Seated on the edge of the cushion, she swung her legs back and forth and I eased myself to lean against the back of the couch, leaning the crutch against the arm.

I watched as Reyes poured two cups of tea. He set the first in front of him and had the other in his hands ready to hand off to me right when the front door flew back open, and Edith stepped in, her arms laden with bags from the market and trailed by their daughters.

Her eyes immediately settled on me and she set all the bags down and hurried to me. "Amaya, oh darling, you're back! I was so worried about you!"

"I'm back," I said uselessly, accepting her hug.

"Have you been here long? I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner," she said hurriedly.

"No, no," I protested, "it's alright. I only just got here." She drew away, worry laced in her eyes. She gave me a once-over, one arm resting on my forearm as she looked me up and down. She drew me in for another hug, her other hand settling on the back of my head to pull me to her again.

"Goodness darling, you're hurt all over, aren't you?"

"I'm fine, really," I told her. "I'm no stranger to injury."

When she leaned away again, her hand drifted past my hair. It was the wickedest stroke of luck that ensured she was on my left side and it must have been her motherly instincts that told her to lean back in, to get another look.

With a defined pinch in her brow, she leaned to that side, sifting her hand through my hair. I watched her eyes for her reaction as she gently brushed my hair aside, only to see the wad of bandages covering where my ear should have been.

She didn't say a word. Reyes, whose eyes were intently on that spot as well, didn't say a word. Emi, still sitting there swinging her legs, didn't say a word.

And I knew that I would need to say something. Thankfully, the story I was to tell was a recent one - one that was a memory, a terrible one... but one that needed to be shared.

They had taken care of my daughter while I was away. They deserved at least that much.