Ch. 19 - Sunrise, After Tragedy

I was able to distinctly pick out the motion of riding on Levi's horse, in the saddle yet supported in his arms for nearly the entire way back to the walls. The movements weren't as jarring as I anticipated they would be, and I thought that I might have a harder time sleeping, but as a matter of fact, the opposite was true: I managed to find sleep quickly - or rather, it found me quickly.

I was only ever roused from sleep once, and that was at a break in the riding to allow the regiment to regroup once the rain stopped. There had been a conversation happening around me, but while the rest of my senses woke up and got to work, I kept my eyes closed.

"While we're stopped," I heard Erwin say, "you should bring her to one of the carts for the injured." Levi did not respond to him. "I understand you want her close, but she will have a better shot of recovering if she gets checked out now. They can start working with her now."

"Don't act like you care," Levi snapped, and I fought the urge to chastise him myself. I likely would have, if I had the energy to spare, but as it was, I didn't, and so I did not expend the energy. Besides... he was defending me.

"Levi, be reasonable," Erwin requested simply. "She is my comrade now - I care for her wellbeing a great deal."

"I wasn't there," Levi finally decided to tell him. "I don't know where she's hurt."

"Then it is best if she gets seen by a professional," Erwin noted. "And the sooner, the better. We're not maintaining the long-distance formation for the ride back. We'll be going in a tighter formation, so you can ride along the cart if you want."

Levi seemed to consider it. "Alright."

Gently, very gently, Levi dismounted with me in his arms and I felt more than ever as though I felt like only a feather for all his strength. He carried me to the cart then, and when he put me down I was struck with the sudden chill of being without his steady warmth at my side and holding me close.

It was only then that I opened my eyes, and at last I found the strength to speak. "Are you staying here?"

"I can," he told me, just as a scout crouched down on my other side. "Where are you hurt?"

"My left ankle," I said, "and my chest."

"Alright," the medical scout said, unclasping my cloak for me. "Can you tell me how you got hurt?"

"Ah," I said, trying to recall it, "I was skating through the mud with the gear, with my feet in the mud I mean, and I think my left foot got caught on a rock. And for my chest... A Titan caught me and slammed me down, kinda held me in place for a while, too. I don't think anything is broken, but..."

"They may be bruised," the scout said when I trailed off. "Still, the recovery process for both is the same, in essence. I'll take a look. What kind of pain do you feel?"

"Ah," I considered for a moment. Was "it all hurts like a bitch" an acceptable answer? Probably not.

"It hurts when I breathe," I finally answered as the Scout began to feel around my ribcage, searching for movement or anything out of place. "It's a sharp pain, but as far as I can tell, it doesn't feel like anything pierced my lungs or anything."

"You'd be having a lot more pain if that was the case," she said, nodding surely as though coming to a decision. "I've a feeling they're only bruised, so your recovery will be far simpler and shorter than if they were broken."

"Good, then," I said, relieved.

"There's not much to be done about it now," she said, "but I'll take a look at your leg, too. But for now, I would like to take a closer look at your ribs. I'll need to unbutton your shirt." She glanced up at Levi pointedly, who got the hint. He cleared his throat, then made to stand, but I took hold of his wrist to hold him in place.

"Wait," I said to him, a request for him to stay - not just here, but to stay with me much longer, to not leave my side once more. "...Please."

Something strange flashed in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but the truth was... I really, truly, did not want to be alone right now. And the last time he was out of my sight, everything went wrong. It wasn't logical for him to be by my side constantly, and perhaps this was just the result of my exhausted mind - for it had been a long day, what with the sudden fight with that abnormal Titan and seeing so much loss all at once - but I did not want to be without him right now.

"If he's staying, he's helping," the scout said. "We're short-handed anyway." Her hands got to work unbuttoning my shirt, and I held my breath in anticipation of seeing the damage. I'd never had bruised ribs before. Was it strange to say I wanted to see them? I made to lift my head to see, but the scout pressed a gentle hand to my shoulder.

"Don't," she said to me. "Best not to put more pressure on them."

She began relaying instructions to Levi, who started pulling my boot off to examine my ankle. Gradually, my shirt was unbuttoned and peeled away, and the Scout nodded. I watched her eyes to examine her expression closely, but she remained impassive, the trained face of a medical professional well-versed in what to do. I looked instead at Levi, who was looking at my ribs with acute interest and a worried pinch in his brow.

"How bad is the bruising?"

"Not the worst I've seen," the scout said. "A few weeks of recovery and you'll be back to fighting."

"Oh, good," I said, genuinely relieved.

But Levi... was still staring at my ribs, at the bruising that assuredly was there. When the scout reminded him to work, he did, and I resigned myself to ask him about it later, because he looked far more affected by this than I was.

—

Against the medical scout's orders and my verbal compliance that I would not move, by the time we reached the walls, I grasped the wall of the cart and pulled myself to sit up. By now, Levi had returned to his horse - with Strider in tow - and was riding alongside the cart, and so he noticed when I sat up.

The pace of the formation had slowed considerably now that we were passing through Shiganshina, and it had tightened considerably as well. The scouts walked slowly, somberly, through the streets.

A lot has been lost over these past two days. So much loss, so much heartbreak, so many sacrifices. I sat up only to gauge the faces of those we passed. Lots of people came out of their homes to watch the scouts' return, and... what I saw, I was not expecting.

People were frowning, scowling, grimacing. Some people looked angry. Some people were sneering. Many of them stood quietly, their arms crossed over their chests, but others...

"What a waste of taxpayer money," I heard someone say.

"Look how few there are," one sighed. "It's an awful waste of life."

"They'll all die off soon," a rather sickly looking man said, loud enough to make it obvious that he wanted us to hear. It was clear he wanted to get a reaction out of us, and he wanted to start an argument. "The recruits have to wise up sometime, right? They'll stop enlisting and the last of these sorry louts will die in the stomachs of Titans and we can redirect the money somewhere else."

I caught Levi's eyes when he gazed over at me. "You should be resting," he told me.

"I thought they'd see us as heroes," I said quietly, only for his ears to hear. "But they're looking at us like we're freaks."

"To them," he mused, "we are."

I suppose I couldn't put it past them. They didn't know any better. They hadn't gone past these walls, they were content to remain here. To remain ignorant. Erwin's words echoed in my head. Only one expedition out, and... were my eyes still clouded?

I wanted to see more. I did. I wanted to climb those mountains I'd seen, I wanted to explore the forests we'd passed by. I wanted to swim in the rivers we had crossed. These people, the nobles, they'd have us be defunded.

Huh. I'd said us.

Sure, I'd been in the scouts now for a few months, but until now... I hadn't felt like one of them. They ostracized us, freaks among freaks, only because of where we'd grown up. But now I see why they were so protective of this unit.

It was clear in the beginning that our hearts were not in it. We had not - as they so proudly proclaimed that they did - been so willing to dedicate our hearts to this cause. And when so many wanted to defund it, to shut it down, when only the scouts had seen what lay beyond the walls, what was truly out there and had the means and the courage required to go out and fight for these, the common folk...

When the people they were fighting for were ungrateful...

I could see why they were so protective of the Survey Corps.

The only people who understood them were themselves.

I wanted so badly not to be part of this, be part of them. They were incredible. Courageous to a fault, strong, and so uniquely full of hope for the future, even if the people they were fighting for did not want them to.

I glanced down at the patch embroidered over my heart. Devote my heart... perhaps I would.

—

Hours Later:

I'd only been here for a few hours, but I was already well-acquainted with the ceiling of the medical wing of the Survey Corps base. My entire time here so far, up until the expedition at least, I hadn't been here once. It wasn't like I was apt to misuse the gear or get myself hurt using it while training, and I really wasn't one for heading to the medical wing for help if I was even sick, so I hadn't had any reason to be here.

Honestly, I was surprised by how dissimilar the scouts' base was to that of the underground MP's one. Sure, this had courtyards and separate wings and different training rooms and such, but this was a castle. It was far bigger and not only that, but it was far older. The base underground had to be built there during the cave's excavation and construction, but this castle had been here within the walls damn well since they were built, I was sure. There was history here.

For as far back as human history went, heroes had passed through these halls, those brave enough to fight...

...Those that donned the Wings of Freedom.

This time last year... What was I doing? Killing, thieving, torturing, maiming, in the name of self-preservation. Working with Levi, Farlan, and Isabel to make money to secure citizenship for us. And now, I was devoting myself to the good of humanity.

Going beyond the walls alone, working and fighting with the scouts and killing the single Titan I had, had taught me so much. I'd learned what it was like to be free. I'd went from a cave to a cage, and then... to true freedom. There weren't walls beyond our three, and how much was there to see? We'd traveled southwards, and we hadn't even gone that far... With better weather, more experienced soldiers, more resources, how far could we go?

And that was only one way. There was still an entire world west, east, and north. There seemed to be grassy plains as far as the eye could see and even a mountain range to the south that we'd seen, but what else was there?

It wasn't just that El told me he wanted me to see the world I was born into. It wasn't jut that Erwin had some lofty ideals.

I wanted to fight. I wanted to see what was out there. I'd gotten only a taste and despite this injury, with a bit of refinement I'd grow better at killing Titans. I had the strength necessary, I'm sure of it.

Titans had killed Farlan and Isabel. They'd been the reason the government even attempted to make an underground city. Inadvertently, they were the reason El died, Caden died, and Levi and I had been subjected to lives in hell down there. Why else would there have been the need to craft a city below ground, if not for the lack of room within the walls... put in place surely to protect us from Titans?

To liberate the people of the city... to make it all worth it...

I'd kill the Titans.

One had already been killed. One had nearly been the death of me. But no more.

Still, even with my resolve set...

I couldn't very well do shit right now, not with a set of bruised ribs and a busted ankle. Honestly. It wasn't even sprained, just hurt. It rolled in a strange way and with the force of the gear and running into it... Yeah. Not the most badass way to get hurt.

Still, a few days of rest and that would be fine, but for the next several weeks, I'd be stuck here to allow my ribs to heal.

I wanted out. Being in here, I would go crazy. There was nothing to do but listen to the murmurs of conversations happening at the other beds, and the hustle and bustle of the doctors and nurses going back and forth.

It wasn't that I was bored. I just didn't want to... My grief was still so heavy in my heart. It was only this morning that Isabel and Farlan had... And I hadn't really come to terms with it yet. As people came into the wing to visit their comrades, I kept expecting Isabel and Farlan to burst through the doors and make a wonderfully humorous scene.

Isabel would have probably tried to sneak Strider in to see me, with as thoughtful and connected to animals she was. Farlan, ever a gentleman, would have probably gathered flowers for me to leave at the bedside. Isabel would promise to watch him for me while I was recovering, and Farlan would promise to make things difficult for her.

But they weren't here.

They weren't coming.

I would never see them again.

The only person who came to see me was Levi.

He hadn't left my bedside since we got back. It was well into the evening now, and other than to use the bathroom, he had not left my side. We hadn't talked, either. What could I say, that we didn't both already know? And what would he say, when surrounded by so many people?

We were silent, and for a while I was content to grieve quietly. But not anymore. I had things I needed to get off my chest, things I wanted to say, and I wanted to cry. I did. But not here.

I turned my head and looked over at him. "Levi," I said quietly, the first word I'd said in several hours. He did not hear me at first, perhaps being too lost in his thoughts to notice that I spoke.

"Levi," I repeated, and at that he looked up.

"What's wrong?"

"I want out," I told him. "Think you can help me sneak out for a bit?"

"You need to rest," he countered right away.

"Come on," I said cajolingly. "Please?"

"Don't be a brat," he muttered. "You'll never get better if you don't rest."

"Resting here is the same as resting anywhere else," I said. "But I want to talk to you."

He caught onto my meaning. "Not here."

"Right."

Levi looked around the wing, his cool, calculated eyes taking in each detail. "The dinner bells will ring soon," he told me. "When it clears out, we'll go."

And we did. It did not take long for the dinner bells to ring and for the medical wing to clear out - aside, of course, for those who were bedridden as I was - and when all was clear, or as clear as it was going to get, Levi helped me to my feet and we left.

With my arm around his shoulder and most of my weight leaning against him, it was slow going, but eventually, we reached the roof. I wasn't sure how he knew that was exactly where I wanted to go, but it was, and I was grateful for his clairvoyance for that sort of thing.

When at last he helped me to sit, he sat right next to me, his leg a line of warmth next to mine as he let them hang over the side. Words were left unsaid, hanging suspended in the air as we both tried to find a way to start the conversation. There was so much to say, and so many places to start.

But it was also a matter of... this quiet being nice. It wasn't the quiet of the medical hall, because that wasn't a true quiet. It wasn't the quiet of the ride back on the cart, because even that wasn't truly quiet, either. It wasn't the silence that found me whenever I fell asleep for the few short naps I had fallen into today.

This quiet... it was quiet, yet so loud in all the ways that mattered.

It spoke where words could not. We were alive. Despite everything that had happened... we were here. Our hearts were still beating. For Levi, it was because of how hard he fought. And for me... it was surely through the grace of something unknown.

I should have died.

Farlan had drawn attention to himself so that he would die first, offering me a chance to slip away. Isabel had dove in to play the hero, to protect us both. Flagon and Sairam, too...

Too many people had died trying to save us, to save me.

Sitting up was uncomfortable, but I didn't dare speak up on it. If I did, if I mentioned it at all, he'd bring me right back to the medical wing, no questions asked and with no hesitation. It was a discomfort I could bear, for now.

With a sigh, I brought my hands into my lap and looked down at them. I wanted to look at the sky, I did, and it was a beautiful, clear late summer evening. A defined chill was in the air and all too soon, autumn would arrive. I wasn't sure what it would mean, or how cold it would get, but I would soon find out.

I loved to look at the sky, but... that old tale El had told me about those we lost living amongst the stars came back to mind and I wasn't sure if I could bear looking up there right now.

"You're thinking too hard," Levi said, his voice - soft as he could make it - cut through the silence.

"How can you tell?"

"I can smell the smoke pouring out your ears."

"You're an ass," I said, even as I smiled and shook my head fondly. "Honestly. I... Thank you for staying by my side, today. I don't think I can be alone right now."

"Don't thank me for something like that," he said. "You'd... do the same."

"Still," I pressed. "It means a lot to me."

"Why?"

"The main reason is because... I don't know. I feel like this is all irrational, but... When Caden was killed, he was alone. When El was killed, he was alone. Everyone today... they went on their own or sacrificed themselves." I took a deep, yet terribly shaky, breath in. "Funny, I... I was so worried about you, but I should have..." I dropped my head into my hands, pressing the heels of them to my eyes.

I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't cry. I...

"It should have been me," I spoke through my sobs. Goodness, when have I ever been so quick to tears? My sobs wracked my body, my ribs, and it hurt terribly but I couldn't bring myself to care. No, the pain rather amplified my feelings, and intensified my tears, but it was not for the pain that I was crying.

"Amaya," he said, his  voice carefully trained to hide the surprise in it. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It should have been me," I repeated. "What don't you understand?"

"Help me understand," he said, doing his best to remain patient. "Just talk, Amaya."

"I... Everything went wrong, Levi. After you left and we caught up with the group, it just... the Titan came out of nowhere."

"It passed me by somehow," Levi said ruefully, an angry pinch finding his brow. "That damn rain."

"It was on us before we could do anything about it," I said quietly, lifting my head from my hands. "It... You saw it. It was terrifying, Levi. It wasn't like the other Abnormal we fought, it was... it was like it was hunting us. It looked at us and it knew..." I lowered my head back into my hands. "They're dead because of me, Levi."

"What was that?"

"It was my fault," I said, and the only reason he was able to hear it was because he leaned in closer.

"It shouldn't have been you, and it wasn't your fault," he pressed. "Stop with that bullshit right now."

"You weren't there, so you don't know what happened," I said firmly. "So I'll tell you. Flagon and Sairam sacrificed themselves, as seasoned soldiers, so that the three of us - a couple of rookies - could escape with our lives. Isabel only died because Farlan almost got caught and I got hurt diving in to help him and she got caught. And Farlan..."

"Go on," Levi urged as gently as he could.

"Farlan and I both got caught," I said. "His gear was busted, and my leg was in pain, but... he didn't want to see me die. He got the Titan's attention and that's when he was eaten and I was slammed down. It was because of me, Levi. I'm the one who got hurt. I'm the one who wasn't fast enough or brave enough to save Flagon or Sairam, and for whatever reason Farlan... he..."

I lifted my head, looking him directly in the eyes. My eyes were watery, my lip quivering with the effort it took to keep from sobbing openly. But tears... they slipped down my cheeks anyway.

"It was not your fault," he said sternly. "You did not control what anyone else did. You were only in control of yourself."

"My decisions were the wrong ones," I said quietly. "I'm the reason they all died."

"And I left," he told me. "Was it my fault, then?"

"What? No, of course not," I replied immediately. "Don't be stupid."

"Then don't think that way yourself," he told me. "You idiot... Thinking this way is only going to make you regret everything. You didn't know that Flagon and Sairam would sacrifice themselves. You didn't know that you were going to get hurt. You didn't know that Isabel would try to buy you more time to get away, to protect you. You didn't know that Farlan would sacrifice himself for you."

"But I could've done more," I protested, shaking my head. "I was there. I should've done more."

"Amaya," he said quickly, sternly, and so seriously that all I could do was blink and look at him directly. "If you keep this up, the guilt is going to eat you alive and that's no way to live. You're a moron, but you have to know that much, right?"

"Levi..."

"You said yourself that it happened quickly," Levi said. "I was only gone for a few minutes. There was only so much that you could do, Amaya. Get it through your head."

"I just feel like if I had fought harder, or if I had been faster, I could have... They'd be alive and maybe..."

"You'd take their place?"

"Maybe," I said quietly. "If I could have saved even one of them..." I shook my head again, the weight of my actions - of my inactions - settling on my shoulders and bringing with it a fresh wave of tears. "Levi, they all died except me, and you had to save me."

"I know..." He took a breath as though to summon his nerve. I could acutely see the way his eyes trailed after a tear as it fell down my cheek. When it fell from my chin, he released that breath, then looked into my eyes. "It must have been hard to see them all die. I know it must have been awful. But..."

Slowly, he lifted one hand, and his eyes found mine, searching for any sign that I did not want him to progress. But I did not have any protests, and so he didn't find one, and so... he pressed his hand to my cheek, swiping one clumsy thumb across my skin to disrupt the tear tracks. He inhaled shakily, as though surprised I'd allowed him to do this. I leaned into his touch, and despite not feeling that I didn't not deserve such kindness, such soft and caring treatment...

I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing in the feeling. My mind had been racing, my soul had been grieving, my heart had been breaking, but when he held me like this...

"I'm so sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," he said. "I don't blame you. It wasn't your fault."

"Not just that," I pressed, opening my eyes. "I mean for being a pain in your ass, and... Levi, why did you stay in the infirmary with me all day? You could've..."

"Could've what? Sulked on my own?"

"Yeah," I said, the unintentional humor making me smile, however briefly the amusement lasted. "Yeah, actually."

"You idiot," he murmured, his hand trailing reverently down my cheek before dropping into his lap. "Amaya, you're... you're all I have left."

I could tell it took a lot for him to admit it. He looked hesitant, nervous, and like he thought I might run away from him at any given moment. But I couldn't do that. How could I? And why would I want to?

"You're all I've got," I whispered in return.

"We lost a lot today," he said. "I... couldn't lose you too. I don't know what I'd do if..."

I took his hand in both of mine, squeezing it tight. "I didn't mean to sound ungrateful," I told him. "Thank you for saving me, Levi. I just... a lot happened, and..."

"I thought you had died," he said. "All I saw was you trapped under its hand."

"I'm alive," I murmured. "Thanks to you. We're no strangers to loss, I know that, but it never gets easier, does it?"

"No," he said in agreement. "It doesn't."

"But all there is to do is move on, right?" I sighed, looking down at our joined hands. "I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sorry for... blaming myself, I suppose."

"Living with regrets is no way to live," he told me. "Tch... That bastard Erwin told me something like that, too."

"I still can't believe that, by the way," I said. "I can't believe him. The entire time... he knew! What an asshole!"

"During one of your naps," Levi said, "he came in. He wanted to speak with you."

I tensed rather involuntarily, and sneered all the while. "Talk? He wanted to talk? About what? The fucking weather? He wants to apologize, I hope."

"Maybe," he considered. "He wouldn't tell me. I think he wanted to speak with you in private."

"Absolutely not," I huffed. "As if I want to talk to him... After the way he talked about me, about Farlan, about Isabel... We were all just a means of getting you. Actually, we were in Erwin's way. It's a lot easier to goad a man on his own with nothing to lose to join an underfunded, undermanned military regiment. But because we were there..."

"Amaya," Levi said gently, wanting me to stop.

"You heard him," I said, my temper flaring. "Everything he said about me being a good soldier with potential... Please. Humanity needs your skill - isn't that what he said?"

"Amaya, you know better than to think like this," Levi said, and I huffed. He was right, of course.

"He's an asshole."

"I know."

"But... If he wants to speak privately, I guess I'm just never letting you leave my side, Levi."

He almost chuckled. "Like you ever let that happen."

"It happened today," I said unsurely. "And... look where it got me. Where it got all of us." He was quiet for a moment. "You don't blame me, and I don't blame you, and apparently we have to follow Erwin, now. So... Who do we give hell?"

"The Titans," Levi answered simply. "No one is to blame but them for what happened today."

"That's about what I figured," I said with a sigh. "I suppose we just have to kill them all, right? And never settle for anything less than that?"

Levi looked taken aback for a moment. "You're staying here?"

"What, did you think I'd leave and turn myself into the MP's to get hanged because of this? People died for me today, and I'm not letting that go unnoticed or unrepaid. I'm dedicating myself to this, Levi. This - and you - are all I have left. I'm going to make something of it. I'm not letting their deaths be in vain. And if I just gave up... that's exactly what I'd be doing."

At that... he allowed the smallest, slightest, most delicate little smile to grace his face. "There she is," he said reverently. "There's Amaya."

I looked down and away from him, rolling my eyes. I unceremoniously slumped against his side, holding his hand in one of mine and hugging his arm with the other. "You're embarrassing."

"Huh," he said, sounding impressed even as I rested my head against his shoulder. "It's not often that you shy away."

"Hush," I said. "It's been a long day."

"It has," he agreed.

"I miss them already."

The silence stretched on for a moment. Neither of us needed to speak. The silence spoke enough for the both of us. What words could we say that would be enough to encapsulate everything that needed to be said?

If there were words strong enough, I didn't know them.

But I did know some.

"Levi," I said quietly, "no matter what happens in the future, let's promise not to let something like today happen again. I've lost enough people that I love. I'm not losing you, too."

"There you go with the promises again," he sighed. "Haven't learned your lesson quite yet?"

"I think you ought to just humor me," I muttered, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'd be a lot less annoying if you'd just go with what I said the first time."

"Uh huh," he said, clearly unconvinced.

I wasn't sure at what point exactly during our conversation that my tears dried away, leaving my cheeks cold with the evening air hitting them. "Listen," I said softly. "I know you're not comfortable with this whole... comforting people thing. So thank you for trying."

"Did it work?"

"It did," I said honestly. "It'll be a long time before it stops hurting, I know that, and yet..."

"Yet?"

"I think... with time..." I sighed, shaking my head. "I don't know if it's selfish of me to say, but I think we'll be alright. Eventually, you know. Not now, and not for a while, but... You know what I mean."

"I do."

At last, I... I allowed myself to look up at the sky. If I looked closely enough, I could see a few stars shine a little brighter than the others. They might have been my grandmother, Elwin and Caden, and now... Farlan and Isabel.

All these losses hurt. The loss of Farlan and Isabel stung more, simply because it was still so fresh... Despite Levi's words, despite the conversation we'd had, I still held some of the blame and tucked it away in my heart as fuel. No one else would die for me. I wouldn't allow it.

Whether it was my fault or not... I could have, and I should have, done more. This belief was set in stone within me, and nothing would change that. But if they were up there and were watching us... Whatever they died for, whatever they saw in me to sacrifice themselves for me, I would make sure it was worth it.

I would not throw my life away and I would make them proud. I would.

"You should get some rest," Levi said after a while.

"I've spent all day sleeping," I protested simply. "And... I don't really want to sleep right now."

"When you're tired in the morning for training," he said, "don't come whining to me."

I smiled, and despite not wanting to sleep, I couldn't help but cozy up against his side more comfortably. I kept my gaze directed upwards, to the sky, thinking of my grief, my regrets, yet too, my hope for the future.

There was a lot to think about.

So much so, in fact, that I eventually grew tired enough to fall asleep against him. I wouldn't know until I woke up that next morning, but Levi eventually settled me to lay with my head in his lap, so that I might be comfortable as I slept. And he stayed up, watching over me just as the souls of those who had left us were.

We stayed that way until the sun rose, bringing with it our first day without Farlan and Isabel, but so too... the first day of recovery, not just for my physical injuries but those of the heart, for both of us.

I awoke that morning to the sight of the sky lightening up. We were unable to see the sun rise, not really, and we wouldn't, not until the sun rose above the walls, but for now... that was all we needed. The long, dark night was over and now... sunrise, after tragedy, allowing us to start to heal.

—

Weeks Later:

"Amaya," I heard, and as I slid my foot into my boot, I looked up, surprised, because it wasn't a voice I was expecting to hear.

"Squad Leader Erwin," I said in greeting. "I'd get up to salute, but you kinda caught me at a bad time."

"There's no need," he said, his voice carrying an ease of authority that came with experience. "I'm here to speak with you, not give you orders."

"Alright," I said, finishing lacing my boot and starting on the other one. "It must be important."

"It is," he told me. "And I was hard-pressed to find a time in which Levi isn't here with you."

"He only went to freshen up," I said.

"You two are close," he noted. "Seems he only ever leaves your side to train and freshen up, as you say."

"We've been partners for a long time," I told him. "We've lost everyone but each other, now."

"I've spoken with him on the subject of his future endeavors," Erwin said. "He is formally joining the Scouts. I wanted to ask you for your opinion on the matter."

"My opinion? I can't sway him one way or the other. My opinion doesn't matter if he's already made up his mind."

"No," he agreed, "but it might change your decision."

"If my options are still to join the Scouts or to die at the hands of the MP's, I think it's an obvious choice to make." Erwin smiled, and I continued. "Even if there are other options... I would still choose this." I was taken aback by the look in his eyes, and as I finished lacing my boot. "What's up with that face? Um... sir."

"What face?"

"You're smiling."

"Amaya, I apologize for the deceit," he said, not quite answering my question. "Since our conversation the night of the expedition, I feel that I have lost your trust."

"It's not that simple," I said unsurely. "You must understand, when we plan things, we plan for the best and worst case scenarios, and everything between. Not only that, but we always put in place a hell of a lot of contingency plans to boot."

I was lucky that it'd been a few weeks since the expedition. As such, a lot of the soldiers had been discharged from the care of the medical scouts, save for those who needed more extensive care and still needed time to recover, but they were on the other side of the wing entirely. As such, our conversation was private - or as private as we could hope for, given the location.

"We worked tirelessly to plan for each possible scenario for this plan. But you were a step ahead of us the whole time. I did trust you, Erwin. That part was true. I never wanted to kill you. But you... I just don't understand why you let us into this regiment knowing that was the plan, knowing that you trapped us in a corner and had the goal of killing you, knowing that we were criminals, thieves, and murderers. I just don't understand."

"When I mentioned to you that I was glad to have your skill assisting the regiment, I did not mean the four of you. I did not say that you would make an incredibly talented soldier to endear you to me. I meant those, Amaya, and I meant them about you. I had seen the skill that Levi possessed, but also that which you, Magnolia, and Church had, too."

"But you said..."

"Fight with the Survey Corps, Levi! Humanity needs your skill!"

"Levi has skill," Erwin said. "That's plain to see. But so do you." His smile returned to his face. "Your skill with the gear surpasses even that of some of our veteran soldiers. And I'm sure you've noticed the reception towards you and Levi has changed considerably since the expedition."

"Not really," I muttered. "I've been kinda stuck here."

He hummed thoughtfully, but also with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. "Is that so? Is that why I keep catching wind that you keep getting Levi to help you sneak out?"

"You've caught wind," I said suspiciously, "or you've seen it?"

"At any rate, it seems that you're feeling better."

"I am," I said, nodding.

"I was going somewhere with this," he said, once more ignoring my question but of course, answering it with the omission. "You're a true talent with the gear, you're smart and tactical, and if you choose, you will make for a wonderful soldier. The speed you exhibited in the city, and during the expedition and training were impressive. Our fastest gear-users wouldn't be able to match your pace."

Alright, I couldn't help it. I smiled. "Flattery won't get you anywhere, Squad Leader Erwin."

"It's not flattery if it's true," Erwin said, smiling an honest, warm smile. "Whether you believe me a conman or not, I meant what I said about there no longer being a deal. You'll be free of your crimes regardless, but you can either don the wings, or walk away now."

"You are a strange man," I said quietly. "But I already told you, didn't I? I choose this."

His smile grew. "Care to share your reasoning?"

"Despite not liking us," I said, "Sairam and Flagon, my comrade and my superior officer, sacrificed themselves for me. Isabel and Farlan died to that same end.  I want to ensure that this is paid forward, and that they didn't die in vain. And I saw the looks of the people. I thought only the scum underground were that cynical, but I want to prove that this cause is worth fighting for. I'm not leaving Levi, and... more than anything, I want to see what this world has to offer. I didn't grow up seeing it, but I'll be damned if I die without seeing all that I can."

Erwin considered my words for a moment, then nodded resolutely. He brought his legs together, set his left hand behind his back, then saluted to me with his right. "Your Wings, born of necessity... now flying for a desire to see the world. We're lucky to have you, Amaya."

—

"Ah, look at you, out and about at last!"

The voice belonged to Hange, who was downright beaming at the sight of me in my gear at long last. They jogged over to me, looping my arm with theirs. They didn't quite meet my pace, but rather dragged me along to make me meet theirs... not that I minded. It was nice to see them again.

"You didn't come to visit me," I mentioned. "I was surprised."

"Well, that Levi guy doesn't seem to like me too much," Hange told me. "He'd probably have my head if I visited while he was there... which was all the time, by the way. He didn't leave you at all, except to use the bathroom. I think."

"He's not that scary, and he's not that violent," I told them. "At least, not now that we're official soldiers."

"I see," Hange considered. "Hm. Well, anyway, I know you got cleared for gear training, but you still can't push it. You know that, don't you?"

"I know," I replied. "The nurse told me only a few drills, just enough to get back into it."

"So all physical activity must be kept to a reasonable minimum," they said playfully, and something about the tone in their voice told me that there was another meaning to those words. When I looked over at them, Hange winked, as though they'd simply been waiting for me to look their way. "That means all physical activity. Make sure Levi knows!"

Oh, goddesses.

"Hange," I hissed, embarrassed. "That's not... We're not... You're awful!"

That got a wicked laugh out of Hange, who threw their head back as she laughed. "You wouldn't be so flustered if it wasn't true, Amaya!"

"I'm defensive because it's..." I trailed off with a huff. "Whatever."

"Ah, don't look now," Hange cooed exaggeratedly, "but there he is!"

Standing by the entrance to the forest used for gear training was Levi, decked out in his gear and examining one of his blades. When he saw us approaching, Levi looked up, his eyes finding me, first. They flickered over to Hange rather obviously, then back to me, at which point I shrugged and smiled. "It's been a few weeks," I said to him as soon as I could, "so go easy on me, ok?"

"Have fun, you two," Hange said, pushing me towards Levi, "but not too much!"

Ignoring their hidden meaning, I came to a stop before Levi and brandished my controller grips in each hand. "Not a chance," Levi said directly to me. "Have I ever gone easy on you?"

"No," I said, a sly smile reaching my lips. "But couldn't you, just this once?"

"No," he responded simply, turning away from me. But before going anywhere, he looked at me over his shoulder. "You better keep up, Amaya."