28

-September 26th 1996-

   Everyone but Ross,Monica and Phoebe  is at Rachel and Monica's apartment and we are getting ready to go to a banquet for Ross...As i'm entering the apartment I see Joey is searching thru the fridge while Chandler is sitting in a chair in the living room.

Joey:All right they got water,Orange juice and what looks like cider."Takes a glass from the fridge".

Chandler:Taste it.

Joey:"Drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge".Yep it's fat.I drank fat.

Chandler:Yeah I know I did that two minutes ago.

   Joey turns and see's me and smirks walking over to me.

Joey:Well,Well,Well...Look who is sexy all dressed up.

Tabitha:"Smiles".Hello handsome.

   I give Joey a peck on the lips when the apartment door opens.

Ross:"Entering".Hey.

Chandler:Hey mister tux.

Ross:Why aren't you guys dressed?.

Joey:We have a half hour.

   Me and Joey walk over to sit on the couch together.

Ross:No four minutes ago you had a half hour we have to be out the door at twenty to eight.

Joey:Relax Ross we'll be ready.It only takes us two minutes to get dressed.

Ross:Well you know I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now.

Chandler,Joey:Okay.

    The two don't move from their spots as Rachel enters the room from the bathroom.

Rachel:"To Ross".H-hey Oh look at you all sexy.

Ross:Really.

Rachel:Oh!,Wow!,Oh hi.

Ross:Hi.

Rachel:How come you didn't come over earlier?.

Joey gets up and goes to the fridge.

Ross:Cause I'm a stupid,stupid man.

Joey:Hey Ross want some cider?.

Ross:No."To Rachel".So um let's see your pretty close huh.Make-up's on,hair's done.

Rachel:Yeah I just have to get dressed.

Ross:Yay...And that takes what?.Just six or seven minutes.

Rachel:Yeah.Once I figure out what I'm wearing.

   Rachel goes into her bedroom and Joey looks to Ross.

Joey:Glass of fat?.

*****************************************

   Ross is acting nervous and me and Joey look at him from where Chandler was sitting moments before.

Joey:What's a matter Ross?.What you're nervous about your speech?.

Ross:No...Do you wanna hear it?.

Joey:Am I in it?.

I nudge Joey.

Ross:Uh huh.Yeah right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.

Phoebe:"Entering".Hello.

Ross:Hey!.

Joey,Tabitha:Whoa!.

Ross:Wow hello.You look great!.

Phoebe:Thank you!...I know though.

Ross:You see this,this is a person who is ready to go.Phoebe you oh you are my star."Kisses her cheek".

Phoebe:Oh well you're my lucky penny.

Tabitha:Ross you do realize that I'm dressed up too don't you?.

   Chandler enters from bathroom with an issue of Cosmo.

Chandler:All right I took the quiz and it turns out I do put career before men.

   Chandler puts down the magazine and I get up to stretch my legs as Chandler looks to Joey.

Chandler:"To Joey".Get up.

Joey:What?.

Chandler:You're in my seat.

Joey:How is this your seat?.

Chandler:Cause I was sitting there.

Joey:But then you left.

Chandler:Well it's not like I went to Spain.I went to the bathroom you knew I was coming back.

Joey:What's the big deal sit somewhere else.

Chandler:The big deal is I was sitting there last so that's my seat.

Tabitha:Well actually the last place you were sitting was in there."Points to the bathroom".So...

Ross:You guys you know what,you know what it doesn't matter because you Chandler and Joey both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops.So..

Chandler:All right Ross I just have to do one thing really quickly it's not a big deal."Yells at Joey".Get up!.

Monica:"Entering".Hi.

Everyone:Hey.

Monica:Oh Phoebe you look great.

Phoebe:All right all ready.

Monica:"To Ross".Oh are you gonna do magic?.

I chuckle at her teasing our brother.

Ross:That's,that's funny.Change!.

Monica:Hang on a second I just got in.

Ross:Look I don't care it starts at eight we can't be late.

Phoebe:We could not would not want to wait.

Ross:Look our table is down in front okay my boss is gonna be there everyone will see if we arrive after it starts.

Monica:Has somebody been drinking my fat?.

   I watch as Joey and Chandler look at each other and Joey puts a finger to his lips.

Rachel enters from her bedroom.

Rachel:You guys."Holds up an outfit".Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?.

Phoebe:I don't know you might be the first one.

Monica:Rach did you check the machine?.

Rachel:Uh no.Wait you know what this is the outfit that makes my calves look fat. Nevermind.

   Rachel goes back into her bedroom and Monica turns on the answering machine.

Chandler:Well Joey I wrote a little song today.It's called Get Up.

Joey:All right!.You can have the chair.

Chandler:Really!.

Joey:Oh my would you look at that!."Holds up crossed fingers".

   Joey begins to laugh and I pinch the bridge of my nose and contain a chuckle at his childishness.

Phoebe:"On machine".Hi it's me I'm coming over now.Hey what if I'm already there when your playing this message?.

Phoebe:"To everyone".Is that too spooky?.

Ross:"On machine".Hi Rach are you there?. It's me pick up.Rachel.Rach!.

Rachel:"Entering from her bedroom".What?!.

Ross:Nevermind.

Richard:"On machine".Monica it's Richard. Call me.

Monica:I-I-is that message old or new?."Yelling".Old or new?!,Old or new?!.

Ross:It's old it's definitely old.Didn't you hear t-the double beep?.

Monica:What if it's new? ).I mean we agreed not to talk again unless we had something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?.

Chandler:Honey you did call him back.Cause i-it's really old.

Ross:Yeah see Mon listen,listen.When Carol and I broke up I went through the same thing.And you know what I did?.

Monica:Huh?.

Ross:I.....got.....dressed.Really,really quickly. Okay,okay.

Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room but Ross stops her and sends her back to her room.

Ross:There we go,there we go.

Chandler:You know what okay fine.Don't get up you just sit right there.I just hope you don't mind you know my hand right here."Holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face".Op not touching can't get mad!.Not touching can't get mad!.Not touching can't get mad!.

    Joey accidentally flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress.

Phoebe:Ah!.Oh my God!.You r-r-rotten boys!.

Chandler,Joey:Sorry Phoebe.

Joey:I'm so sorry.

Phoebe:What am I gonna do?."Rubs it".

Ross:No,no don't,don't rub it!,.Don't!."Clapping his hands".What gets out hummus?!.What gets out hummus?!.

Phoebe:Monica,Monica you know what gets out hummus.

Monica:If it is a new message what is he calling to say?.

Phoebe:Okay thanks.Yeah I'll try that.

Chandler:Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and crazy.

Monica:So should I call him back?.

Everyone:No!.

Monica starts to go back into her room and stops.

Everyone:No!.

Chandler:All right fine you know what we'll both sit in the chair."Sits on Joey's lap".I'm so comfortable.

Joey:Me too.In fact I think I might be a little too comfortable.

Chandler:All right!."Jumps up".

Me and Joey laugh together.

Ross:Okay look we have nineteen minutes. Okay Chandler I want you to go and change!.Okay.And then when you come back Joey will go change and he'll have vacated the chair.Okay.Okay.

Chandler:All right!.Fine!.I'm going.But when I get back it's chair sitting and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair!."Leaves".

Rachel entering from her room once again.

Rachel:Is this a little too..."Sees Phoebe". Pheebs what happened?.

Phoebe:Hummus.I got the hummus.

Rachel:Oh!.Honey well we'll find you something.Do you wanna wear my black jacket?.

Phoebe:That won't go with this dress though.

Rachel:No you're right.Well,we'll find something.Let's just get you out of that. Come on.

Ross:No,no,no,no,no,no not out of that not out of clothes.

Rachel:Monica can Phoebe borrow your green dress?.

Monica:I called him.

Everyone:No!.

Monica:Yes.Well I got his machine and I left a message.But it's okay,it's okay,it's okay because you know it was like a casual breezy message.It was breezy!.Oh God what if it wasn't breezy?.

Phoebe:Well how could it not be breezy no cause you're,you're in such a breezy place.

Monica:Here I got it.I'll will play my message for you guys and you can tell me if it's breezy enough.

Tabitha:Monica how are you gonna do that?.

Monica:I know the code to his answering machine."Grabs the phone".

Ross:Okay Mon I really don't think this is the...Okay you're dialing,you are dialing.

   Chandler enters and Joey is standing near the chair and they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins.

Richard:"On machine".Hi this is Richard. Please leave a message at the tone.

Machine:You have two new messages.

Joey:Wow what a cool job."In a machine voice".You have two new messages.Please pass the pie.

Me and Joey laugh together.

Monica:"On machine".Hi it's Monica.I'm just checking in cause I got this message from you and I didn't know if it was old or new or what.So I'm just checking.So let me know or don't whatever.I'm breezy.

Tabitha:Hey you can't say you're breezy th-that totally negates the breezy.

???:"On machine".Hola it's me yesterday was really fun.Call me about this weekend okay.

Tabitha,Joey:Now she sounded breezy.

*****************************************

Monica :He's seeing someone.I can't believe he's seeing someone.

Phoebe:Monica you don't know that.

Monica:Well who's voice was that?.

Chandler:Maybe it was his sister's.You know maybe it was his daughter's.

Monica:Michelle!.Of course it was Michelle!.Did it sound like Michelle?.

Ross:Oh great.It's starting to rain that will make it easy to get a cab.

Monica:It was Michelle.It was definitely Michelle.

Rachel:Pheebs you go with Monica and try on her green dress.If that doesn't work you can wear my gray silk one.Oh gosh what am I wearing?!.

Ross:You don't,you don't know what your wearing?.

Rachel:Well hon-ey.I'm just trying to look nice for your big night.

Ross:Yeah which,which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes.All right come on I'll just pick something out for you.

Chandler:All right you will notice that I am fully dressed.I in turn have noticed that you are not.So in the words of A.A.Milne Get out of my chair dillhole!.

Joey:Okay.

   Joey gets up and takes the cushions with him as he starts to leave.

Chandler:What are you doing?.

Joey:You said I had to give you the chair you didn't say anything about the cushions.

Chandler:The cushions are the essence of the chair!.

Joey:That's right!.I'm taking the essence.

Chandler:Oh-ho it'll be back.

Tabitha:"Groans".For once can't you boys stop arguing?.

   Ross leaves Rachel's room and she follows him.

Ross:Look I'm sorry I thought it looked pretty.

Rachel:Ross that was a Halloween costume unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

Ross:Look I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

Rachel:Yeah which by the way Chandler I would like back one of these days.

Phoebe:Oh Rach good listen isn't this perfect for me!."She's wearing another dress on a hanger around her neck".

Rachel:Oh it's perfect!.But not for tonight.

Phoebe:Well of course not for tonight.Yeah hi!.

Ross:Not for tonight.Not for tonight!.Wh-what,what,what are you doing?.

Rachel:No honey we're sorry we didn't mean it.I love you.I love you.

Chandler:We used them as pillows when we went camping.

Ross:What?.

Chandler:"Shyly".The sheep.

Ross:Hey what you do on your own time...

Joey:"Entering".Where's my underwear?!.

Tabitha:Didn't you check my place?.

Joey:Yeah wasn't there either.

Ross:Whoa,whoa,whoa.Come on,come on what.You took his underwear?.

Chandler:He took my essence!.

Ross:Okay now hold on.Joey why,why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?.

Joey:Because I'm not wearing any underwear now.

Ross:Okay then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?.

Joey:It's a rented tux.Okay.I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Chandler:Well then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions.

Joey:Okay you hide my clothes.I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.

Chandler:What are you,what are you gonna show me my clothes?.

Joey:Hey opposite is opposite!."Leaves".

Chandler:He's got nothing!.

Tabitha:Chandler you went into my apartment and took his underwear?!.

   I grab a magazine from the table and hit him in the head with it.

Tabitha:You had no permission in my apartment!.

Phoebe:"Entering from Rachel's room wearing a huge bow to cover the stain". Okay I'm ready.

Ross,Chandler:Oh aaaah!.

Phoebe:Rachel didn't have anything that I liked so but she had this Christmas ribbon and I thought All right fine I'll be political.

Chandler:What are you supporting?.

Phoebe:Duh!.Christmas!.

Ross:Okay hey that's okay with me.Two down and I have exactly twelve minutes.... What my watch stopped."Hits his watch".My watch."Shows Chandler".Okay see the,the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more."Grabs Chandler's watch".What time is it?.It's 7:33 I have seven minutes.I have seven minutes!.

Rachel:"Entering from her room".Okay Pheebs quick what shoes should I wear?. The black or the purple?.

Ross:Just,just,just pick one!.

Phoebe:Okay,okay,okay the black.But oh do you have black with the little strappys?.

Rachel:Yeah but,but those really go better with pants.Maybe I should wear pants?.

Ross:Yeah pants what,what an idea.Or better yet um how bout you go without any pants.Look I don't know what you're trying to do to me but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay.No,no I don't care if they match.I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat.Okay.

Rachel:But I...

Ross:No,no,no just do it.Go in there and pick something out so we can go.

Rachel:All right.

Ross:Thank you!.

Rachel goes into her bedroom.

Monica:"Entering from her room".Okay.I gotta call Michelle.I gotta see if that was her voice or not.I'm sorry I just have to.

Ross:It was,it was her voice.

Chandler:Monica I think you've gone over to the bad place.

Michelle:"On Machine".Hola!,Hello.Hello?.

Monica:Okay.That was her right?.

Tabitha:Definitely.

Monica:See there you go.Woo!.We're out of the woods.Okay I'll get dressed now.

Ross:Yay.

The phone rings.

Phoebe:I'll get it okay."Answers phone".Hi Monica and Rachel's...Yeah just a second can I ask who's calling."To Monica".Oh ew it's Michelle!.Ew!.She,she must have that Caller Id thing.You should get that.

Monica:"On phone".Uh Michelle.Yeah that was me I-I dialed your number by mistake....Oh you're so sweet.Yeah we were a great couple.I know I really miss him. Well you know how it is,it's that....

Chandler:"To Phoebe".You know what's weird.Donald Duck never wore pants.But whenever he's getting out of the shower he always put a towel around his waist.I mean what is that about?.

Monica:"On phone".Michelle I only beeped in so I could hear my message.I mean that's allowed.Yeah-huh!.I mean look yeah you know what I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad about...What do you mean you're not comfortable with this?.Come on we're friends!.

Michelle hangs up.

Monica:That bitch always hated me.I'm calling her back.

Ross:No,no,no,no.Tick,tick,tick,tick.

Monica:Okay fine."Runs to her room".

Chandler:They got a phone in there right?.

Phoebe:Okay we're on it.We're on it.

   Chandler and Phoebe goes into Monica's room with her.Anf Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt and goes to the kitchen table.

Ross:Um.I know it says black tie optional but um this may be pushing it a little um.

Rachel:I'm not gonna go.

Ross:You're not going to go.

Rachel:No I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

Ross:How,how um how can you not be going?.

Rachel:I'm not gonna go so I think that will accomplish the not going.

Ross:Um you know just out of curiosity...

Rachel:Well ever since I was humiliated and yelled at in front of my friends I'm just I don't know not in a museum benefity kind of mood.

Ross:Right.Right,okay,okay.I'm sorry.I'm sorry I yelled.

Rachel:It's fine.

Ross:No but your-your mad.

Rachel:I'm not mad.

Ross:No.

Rachel:I'm just not going.

Ross:Your not going.

Rachel:Right.

Ross:Okay.You know that I-I have to go.

Rachel:Umhum.

Ross:Right.So is it gonna be like I'm abandoning you while your upset.

Rachel:No.

Ross:No because your not upset.

Rachel:Right.

Ross:About the yelling.

Rachel:Right and the humiliating.

Ross:Oh well of course the humiliating.So, so we we're okay.

Rachel:Umhum.

Ross:We're good.

Rachel:Right.

Ross:Okay.Honey?.

Rachel:Yes Ross."Turns toward him".

Ross:I love you.

Ross goes to kiss her and she turns away.

Phoebe:"Yelling from the bedroom".Get away from that!.No!.

   Phoebe comes into the living room carrying the phone.

Phoebe:She's just getting dressed.

Chandler comes out of the bedroom.

Chandler:Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?.

Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes.

Joey:Okay buddy-boy.Here it is.You hide my clothes I'm wearing everything you own.

Chandler:Oh my God!.That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!.

Joey:Look at me!.I'm Chandler!.Could I be wearing any more clothes?.Maybe if I wasn't going commando...

   I laugh hysterically at this and keep my laughs as quiet as I can.

Chandler:Oooo-ooh!.

Joey:Yeah.Whew it's hot with all of this stuff on.I uh I better not do any I don't know, lunges."Starts doing lunges".

Ross:Okay,okay.Enough,enough with the lunging.No!.I'm sick of this.Okay.I've had it up to here with you two!.Neither you can come to the party!.

Chandler:Jeez what a baby.

Joey:Yeah Ross way to ruin it.I was just going to get dressed.

Ross:You know what I don't care.The only person I cared about getting dressed is the one person that says she's not even gonna go.Look Rach I'm sorry.Okay.Look I-I-I was a jerk.I'm sorry I yelled.I want you there I need you there.Look, what,what can I do that can show you how much,how much I want you to be there.

Joey:You could drink the fat.

Ross:Hi welcome to an adult conversation.

Rachel:No,no,no now wait,wait a minute, wait a minute,wait a minute,wait a minute. That actually uh that sounds interesting.

Ross:What?.

Rachel:I think you should drink the fat.

Joey:Yaaaay!.

Ross:Okay,okay.If that is what it takes to show you how much you mean to me and how much I want you there.Then that's what I'll do."Picks it up".

Phoebe:Oh wait let me get you another glass.That's been sitting out.

Ross:I think this will be fine.Okay vanilla milkshake just a vanilla milkshake with chicken bits floating in it.Cheers.

   He starts to drink it but Rachel stops him just before he starts drinking.

Rachel:No,no,no wait!.Okay,okay.Don't!.I'll go,I'll go!.

Ross:You will?!.

Rachel:You were really gonna do that weren't you?.

Ross:Well yeah.

Rachel:You were gonna drink the fat.

Joey:Let's see what else he'll do!.

I hit Joey on his head.

Ross:"To Joey".How bout instead you go get changed!."To Chandler".You give him back his underwear!.I'm gonna go get a cab and I want everyone down stairs in two minutes!.Monica!.

   Joey and Chandler start to leave and Joey is lunging as he is walking.

Chandler:Stop it.Stop it!.

   Ross follows behind them as Monica runs into the living room and starts dialing the phone.

Phoebe:Ross went to get a cab so we can all...No wh-what are you doing!.No Monica no!.

Richard:"On machine".Hi this is Richard.

Machine:You have three new messages.

Monica:Not any more!.

Machine:Message erased.To record a message begin speaking at the tone.

Monica:"Into phone".Hi uh Richard it's Monica um listen I did something kind of crazy tonight um maybe I'm getting my period or something I don't know.Um anyway I-I-I beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that freaked me out and um you know what Michelle will tell you the rest.I-I um I'm sorry, okay I-I hope that we can forget the whole thing.Okay bye.

Machine:Your outgoing message has now been changed.

Monica:Outgoing!.Did that say outgoing?!. Not outgoing!!!.

Monica:"On machine".Hi uh Richard it's Monica um listen I did something kind of crazy tonight um maybe I'm getting my period or something I don't know."Machine stops".Nooo!.

Phoebe:How did you do that?.

Monica:I don't know!.

Machine:Good bye.

Monica:No!

Ross:"Entering".Okay,okay,okay I've got two cabs and no people.Go!.Go!.Go!.

Monica:Maybe we could call the phone company.Maybe they could change the message.Maybe they can change his number.

Tabitha:Yeah after this I think he'll be doing that himself.

I leave the apartment with the girls.