The Inevitability of Change

Often you'll see things a certain way, and that way is just the truth even when it isn't. Maybe it was never the truth. You just wanted it to be. Maybe it started out as being the truth and things changed and you weren't quick enough to keep up.

I re-wrote my novel changing the things she had told me to. It didn't take too long. Two or three weeks maybe. Things just went along as they always do. I spent my nights bringing home girls, and my weekends with her.

I started just enjoying not being me. Does that make sense? With her I was some other person. Someone I liked. I was still kind of me I guess. I was there. I just felt I didn't have to try to be anyone with her. I just could be. She took me at my self-absorbed worst and my excitable best.

Picking up girls changed too. I didn't like lying to them any more. I'd still do it if I had to. The lying had always bothered me to be honest, but I really like sex. I was just trying a lot harder to not have to lie to do it. Made picking up so much work.

While I waited to hear back from the publisher Scott came down to visit. I hadn't actually seen any of them since I had left LA, but I still considered Scott my closest friend. He had always been the one who stood by my side no matter what.

We spent the day catching up down by the beach in one of the many bars that line the main street. Everyone had moved on and up in LA without me there. Mallory was engaged to her friend date. Lyle had bought a house. Samson had been put on as a regular writer for some sitcom. Even Scott was moving in with the Terminator fan. I had left LA thinking they were holding me down in my life. Turns out, it had been the other way around. I was the cynical asshole who made them doubt their life decisions. I'd be laboring under the assumption it had been the other way around.

After the bar, Scott and I went back to my place. He had a look through my novel while I stared out the window subconsciously waiting for her to get home.

Scott put the book down. "She told you to make these changes?" Scott asked.

"Yeah. Stupid right. That main character is totally a dude."Scott shook his head. "It's really good. It makes me think of 'Mad Max: Fury Road' but with a really sweet love story underneath. I really, really like it."

I rolled my eyes and collapsed back in the couch.

"So, what are you two? Dating? Are you in love with her?" Scott asked. He did it in that hesitant way of his. So full of hope. So terrified of being destroyed.

I rolled my eyes. "No." I couldn't keep the disgust from my voice.

"You just talk about her a lot."

"She's like my only regular human contact. She's bound to come up."

"Yeah, but the way you talk about her."

"Ugh. She's my friend. That's all. I love her the way I love you. That's it."

Scott's eyes welled up. "Did you just say you love me?"

I rolled my eyes so hard it actually felt like my eyeballs dislocated from their sockets. I groaned loudly. Scott got up and stumbled towards me and launched himself at me hugging me. I patted him awkwardly on the back.

"Do you know how long I've waited for you to say that to me. I love you too, man."

I pushed him off me and he sat down on a chair right up next to me.

"So if you're not with her, how are you taking care of your needs?"

"My needs? Scott, you fucking ..."

"But seriously." He interrupted. "I know you. Please don't tell me you're doing the fuck buddy thing? You know how that ended up with Mallory."

"No. I just ... do what I always did."

Scott groaned loudly and threw his head back. "You can't have gone backwards again. I know your last relationship didn't work out. Don't back pedal."

"Last relationship? Only relationship. It isn't for me. This works. My 'needs' are fulfilled." I paused for a moment. Maybe he was right. It had been getting to me lately all the sleeping around. Was I about to have an epiphany? Shake it off, man! You don't need that. This is working for you.

"Please tell me you're at least getting tested regularly." Scott said.

"Stop making me want to roll my eyes. I'm going to strain something." I groaned.

"Are you?"

"Scott!"

"Tell me you're getting tested regularly!" He yelled.

"I've never been tested for anything ever." I yelled back.

"Dude! You have to do that. People do that!"

Well, that's it. My life is a fuck up. Can't write. Can't form meaningful relationships. Going to die of undiagnosed Chlamydia.

"I just love ya, man. I want you to be looking after yourself." Scott said frowning at me.

"I do look after myself."

The sounds of Carrie and Christine giggling filled the courtyard.

"She just got home. Do you want to meet her?" I asked him.

Scott jumped up and bounced on the balls of his feet like a kid who was about to get taken to the circus and had no idea how terrifying clowns actually were. "I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than I want that."

I strolled across the courtyard and we let ourselves in to her apartment. She looked over and before she could say anything I was attacked by Carrie and Christine. They hugged my legs and I patted them awkwardly on the head.

"Hey there monsters. How was your day?" I asked them.

"We made a book." Carrie said.

"Wike you does." Christine added.

"Who dat?" Carrie asked pointing at Scott.

"This is my friend Scott." I said. "Scott this one is Carrie." I touched Carrie on the head. "And this one is Christine."

"Ovver way awound." Carrie said.

"Nice try, monster. I know who is who." I said. They started giggling took each other's hands and ran off.

"You never said anything about kids." Scott whispered.

"They're not kids. They're actually demons." I whispered back.

"Don't call them demons." She said approaching us. "Who's this?"

"This is my best friend, Scott." I said. She shook his hand and then turned to me pouting.

"I thought I was your best friend." She said.

Was that true? I knew she was just teasing, but was she my best friend? I'd gotten so used to the fact that Scott was the person I was closest to that I'd failed to realize I spent the past six months living in her back pocket. I rarely went a day where we didn't speak. Where as I had barely spoken to Scott at all for that time. I actually couldn't imagine not seeing her regularly any more.

Life has moments where things change and you aren't paying enough attention to keep up with it. Is that what had happened here?

I forced a laugh. "You're just my best female friend. That barely counts." She punched me in the arm.

"Do you guys want to stay for dinner?"

We did.

She got on so well with Scott. It was like they'd known each other forever. I was jealous. Just a little, but it was there. Here they were talking about their shared life experiences. Scott was totally wrapped up in the story of when she fell in love with her husband. She never told him how he died, but Scott wasn't interested in that anyway. He was all about how they met, how she knew he wasTHE ONE, all the little things that led them to their life together. She in turn was excited to hear about Scott finding THE ONE and if he thought they'd get married. Did he want kids of his own? All those typical relationship questions.

All I had to offer was; 'Yeah I dated someone for three months. It was terrible.'

Had I always been this person who had nothing to offer their friends? All I did was lie and take from people. I needed to change.

Scott left the next morning. I sat around sulking all day until she got home. Then I sat sulking outside while the girls played tag. Then I sulked over pizza. Then I went out and sulked as I waited for her to come outside.

"Did you let her sleep again?" She asked as she came out and sat beside me.

"There is no one to sleep."

She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I took her drug paraphernalia off her and started rolling a joint.

"I just don't want to keep doing that." I shrugged.

"Wow. For good?"

I shrugged. "Maybe not for good, for good. But not the way I have been. I still don't want a girlfriend, and I like sex. I just have to stop lying to people to get it. Or just stop lying to people at all."

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. We sat quietly like that for a moment.

"What's up, sulky?" She asked breaking the silence and bumping me with her hip.

I lit the joint, taking a long draw. "I think I should get tested. I've never done that before."

She looked at me completely shocked. Not that I blame her. It made no sense that I wouldn't do that. "Never?"

I shook my head. "I mean, I wrap it up. But still."

"Shit. Even I've been tested and I only slept with three different people in my whole life."

I looked at her with my eyes wide. "Only three? Jesus fucking Christ. How are we friends?"

She laughed at me. "Want me to come with you?"

I looked at her. What did I do to deserve having her in my life? It seemed like there was nothing I had done that could explain the fact that I was deserving to have her as a friend at all. "You'd do that?"

"Of course." She took the joint from me and took a draw.

"Am I a terrible friend?"

She blinked at me, startled. Then paused and thought for a moment. So that was a yes.

"You're a little self absorbed, but no I wouldn't say that. You help me out a lot."

"I feel like with Scott it's all him and no me. I'm just a cancerous growth he has to live with."

She shrugged. "I can't speak for Scott. I can only speak for me. I like our talks. I like our weekends. I like how you have finally learned which twin is which. Granted that took forever but given you don't even like kids, I'm calling it a win."

I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to let her know I loved her. I had no idea where it came from. I just really wanted to hear the words out loud. Say them to someone and mean it. Can you do that? Tell your female friends you love them and have them not get the wrong idea? Fuck it. I'm going in.

"I love you."

"I love you too." She said. Simple as that. She loved me too. No big deal.

"It's my brother's birthday this weekend. So I may not be around as much." She added.

"What about cooking day?"

"I know. It's stressing me out. I hate not being ahead with that, since ..." She shook her head.

That sentence ended with 'my husband was murdered because I couldn't be organised about my meal planning'. I put my arm around her. She took a huge draw on the joint and held it for as long as she could.

"Ugh. How am I going to entertain myself without you around?" I complained.

"Masturbation?"

I laughed. "Sure. I'll jerk off all weekend. See how much come I can produce in a 48 hour period."

She pulled a face and started giggling.

"Maybe I can do the weeks cooking for you? I mean ... if it will help?" I offered. I don't know why I did that. I don't even help her cook when I'm there at her house for cooking day.

"Do you even know how to cook?"

I nodded. "I actually do, yeah. I'm pretty good at it. I just ... don't."

"If you could do that for me, I would be eternally grateful to you. You have no idea how much it will help."

I shrugged. "Of course."

We sat for a little while longer just passing the joint back and forth between us and staring at the sky.

"I better head inside. Any offers for me tonight because I have the best answer today?"

"No. I think I'm done with that too."

She ruffled my hair. "Oh, baby. So much introspection today. Anyway, it was 'Not even if hell opened a giant tentacle beast crawled out from the ground and the only way to stop it from consuming all life on Earth was for us to fuck."

I laughed. "Harsh."

"I know! I worked on it all day. Oh well. Night, babe."

"Night."

This time I felt at peace.