12

chapter 12

|Gone Away – Stray Kids|

•••

{HAN'S POV}

I seat down in my new hotel room; we are currently in Chicago. This is our third show in the US. It's been a blast to be surrounded by STAYs' but it's been also very challenging to keep pretending to be happy.

Ever since I broke up with Eunwoo I have been in my biggest depression yet. I haven't been eating properly, I haven't been working out like a should, and I haven't been having the energy to train like I'm supposed to. However, when I'm on stage I always pretend that I'm fine, that I'm healthy and happy. It takes a lot of self-control to not burst into tears every time we sing Gone Away. [a/n: the tour setlist in this book is not based on their setlist]

I miss her. Her voice, her laugh, her little ticks. I miss spending time with her. Watching her face light up when she sees me. I miss spending time together. Hell, I even miss just being in her apartment surrounded by her sent. I loved that sent. It was so sweet, and it engulfs you like a warm hug. I felt safe, and relaxed like I was in paradise.

I wish I could still be with her.

Every day I think about her. How can I not think? She was my everything. And because of me, we are apart now. We don't even speak. I told her "I don't want to see you ever again." Those harsh words came out of my mouth. I was completely conscious when I said them. I knew perfectly what I was saying, and I knew I didn't mean them, but I still said them. I still decided to break each other's hearts. To throw every ounce of happiness that we had into the trash. I broke our little safe bubble like it meant nothing when in reality it was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

I have always dreamt of meeting my soulmate since I was a little kid, I used to dream about it. To meet her or him and live a happy life with them. To love them and care for them. And when I finally had the opportunity to accomplish that dream I, I, was the one who decided to torn things apart. To make us suffer.

I can still remember her face very vividly every time I fall asleep. Her face when I said we needed to break up, that we were a mistake. I still regret those words. I spoke to them with so much determination that you would think they were my truth, my honest opinion. But they weren't. They still aren't. They were what the company wanted me to say, and I was so scared to lose everything that I didn't give myself space to think for myself. She asked me what I wanted, but I still refused to think on my own. I decided to do what the company expected of me. I was so stupid. I remember thinking that the whole night when I left her apartment.

That night I didn't sleep. I spent the whole night crying, locked in the dorm bathroom and ignoring everyone's words. I didn't want to listen to them, I just wanted to cry my pain out. I could feel her heartbreak, I could feel that I was the reason who caused it, and that made me break even harder.

These past few months haven't been easy. I remember going to her graduation and crying when I saw how beautiful she still looked. She was different, thinner, and looked more broken, but she still looked beautiful in my eyes. Like the most perfect human being that the earth had created. I remember that there were so many things I wanted to tell her, but I was a coward and didn't have the courage to say anything of what I had planned. So, I simply congratulated her and hugged her. And when she went back to her seat we left, we couldn't risk being seen there, it would cause a lot of rumours, and Eunwoo was right. I wasn't going to be the one who was going to be dealing with the negative comments, she was.

She might think that I didn't see the comments people were making on the internet towards her, but I've seen them all. People were the meanest I have ever seen. There were even people telling her to die, to kill herself. Like... who says that? I remember wanting to argue with them, but Chan and Changbin told me it wasn't worth it. People like that don't think rationally, they can't feel emotions, at least not empathy. So, I let it be. It took a lot of strength, but I didn't comment on anything. What I did though, was make JYPE eliminate most of the negative comments towards her on every social media. It was too complicated to eliminate them all, but they did the maximum they could. I also asked them to install a security camera in front of her apartment, I couldn't bear thinking that some lunatic would harm her. Every night I spent a minimum of 30 minutes watching that camera live, to see if she was safe, but also to see if I had a glimpse of her.

Seungmin and Felix always updated me on her. Especially Seungmin since they were the closest. I envied their relationship and closeness, but I also knew that if I didn't have a relationship with Eunwoo right now it was because of my own fault. He updated me that she took her last semester online because of the bullying on her campus. He then told me that she was leaving the country and starting fresh in Tokyo. I remember insisting on Seungmin to give me more details as to why she was moving, and where, what she was going to do, but he didn't budge and remained silent. I think he knew that I had told her that I didn't want to be updated about her life when she called me. I remember wanting to speak with her and listen to everything she had to say. I felt happy when her name appeared on my phone "Babyyy". I still haven't changed her name. She's my little baby, she's my happiness, she'll always be. 

However, when she called and said she was calling to update me on her life, something steered inside me, and my mind changed thoughts. I felt like I shouldn't know what she's been up to. I felt like I shouldn't be lucky enough to know about her life, her whereabouts. So, I spoke in an indifferent tone, crashing her heart in the way. "Well, I don't really care anymore. But if you want to update me, go ahead. Just know that it doesn't matter to me." I could feel that she felt taken aback, that she became sadder, and whose fault it was... mine... again. And then she ended the call. "Jisung... I- You know what this was a mistake."

"I shouldn't have said that!" I remember thinking. But it was too late, the mistake was done, and I have been rude and cold towards her for no reason.

When we went to Tokyo on our world tour, last month, I had the hope to see her there. Like I saw her so many months ago when I first met her. I hoped to see her angelic face, to see her smiling and enjoying our concert as she did in Seoul, last year. But to my unfortunate, she didn't come. My heart could feel that she was in the city, but he also felt that she wasn't in the venue. She didn't attend the concert. I wish she had, but I imagine that it would be too overwhelming to see me, to feel me. I could still feel her hurt in my heart. And during that weekend in Tokyo, it only got more prominent.

I, also, got more hurt during that weekend. A soulmate's heart always aches to be closer to their soulmate, and when they stay apart for a long time like we are, it starts hurting more and more. However, the pain becomes a habit. I can't describe the pain anymore, I know that it's there, but at the same time I don't feel it anymore, it became a part of me. I carry the pain like it's normal and it should be part of my daily life. I can only wish that someday, Eunwoo and I come together again, and we both stop hurting. When, or if that day comes it will feel like a miracle. To not feel the pain, the sadness, the heaviness in my heart.

But right now, I'm only surviving. Every day is a new fight. A fight against my negative thoughts, a fight against my interior pain. A fight against these feelings. You were the one who did this to yourself. Look at Seungmin, even with this whole thing he was there for her throughout everything, and you backed away scared. You promised her that you would protect her from anything and then when the first real problem happens you back out like a little frightened child. I scold myself.

I decided that I have spent too much time laying on my bed and I need to do something to distract my thoughts. So, I do what it helps me the most, I seat at my desk and start writing a new song. I have written so many songs since me and Eunwoo broke up that it could fill a whole album. But some of them are too personal to ever be out. One day I hope I can show them to her, but only for her to listen. I don't want anyone else to steal these emotions from me and her. I don't want the public to steal more from us. They already stole her from me, I don't want them to do the same again.

As I get ready for this concert, I put my phone on a shuffle playlist and get in the shower of my hotel bathroom. When the water is finally warm, I put myself under the shower head and wash up, and I let the water white out my thoughts. I let it swallow all my pain, and for a few minutes, I feel like she is here. Like she's waiting for me to get out of this shower and to get ready to go to the venue – together – like a couple. And then my reality comes again, and the pain comes, and it feels like someone just punched me in the heart. 

I can only describe it, as feeling the air of your lungs coming completely out and not being able to breathe anymore. It's like the rush of guilt and pain that you feel when you abandon someone. Because I abandoned her. I let her all by herself when she needed me the most. "You read the comments, the threats and you still were cold and hard on herself, and now you beg for mercy? For pity? Do you really think you deserve it?" I tell myself in the mirror, gritting my teeth. I am furious about my own actions and thoughts. I was begging for help, for her love. Yet I was the one who got rid of her hand and told her I didn't want her anymore – like she was an object that I could simply let go of. Like she was dispensable. She's my soulmate for fucks sake.

When I was about to punch the mirror in front of me so I could stop looking at myself the song that is playing on my phone released me from my trance. I'll be your man by BTOB plays in the background and I sob in a fetal position on the floor of my bathroom, accompanied by my own pain and solitude.

After a few minutes, a little knock on my door is heard and I take all of my body strength to get up and walk to the door and open it, it's Lee Know.

"Hey..." My voice comes out rougher and sorrow than I intended it to. Minho walks in and we both seat on the edge of my bed. Him side hugging me. "I could hear you crying, it's her, isn't it?" I simply nodded, not having the courage to speak.

In a whisper, I answer him with words. "I did this to us Minho. We are both suffering because I was irrational. I let her down and for what? I didn't gain anything, I only lost." I felt Minho's harms hug me harder and also in a low voice he spoke.

"You will never lose her. You're both hurting but you will both heal from it. You have to trust it. I know it's hard right now, and I can only imagine what you're feeling, but I know that you also need to be strong. Things didn't go well on the first try because you weren't ready, yet. But you will be ready, and I'm sure that Eunwoo will be there to accept you, again."

"You really mean what you're saying?" I asked like a little frightened child, because I felt like one at this moment.

"I do. Now, get ready for the concert, and think of a song to sing on your unit stage. Why don't you sing something that represents what you're feeling." I made a face, and he elaborated his idea. "I'm not saying the songs that you have been producing about her, I know you don't want to release them. But think of another song, it can even be from another artist. It's an idea, you don't need to do it." And with that, he left the room, and I finished getting ready for the venue while I thought about Minho's idea. It doesn't seem bad, and there's this song that fits incredibly well with my feelings.

After checking I had everything, I went to the Hotel lobby and there waited for the rest of the guys to come. Right now, it was only me, Felix, Hyunjin, Chan and Jeongin. We were going through our speeches to make sure that there was no English word that could be difficult for us to say in the mends part. Though we have a translator prepared to help us if any of us decides to speak in Korean. I do like that STAY's don't mind us talking in our native language and waiting for the translator, sometimes I feel like I can't express the amount of love and gratitude as well when I try to speak it in English, so I do it in Korean.

Anyways, by now we are all ready and, in our cars, on the way to the venue. We need to do rehearsals and sound checks.

Work.

Work is the way that is helping me cope with everything. When I stop working and my emotions take over me, I can't stop feeling overwhelmed with sadness. So, I work. I work like I never did before. The members try to take me out of it when I spend too many hours doing it, but it's hard to stop when it's the only way that I've found to help me not feel her pain and mine. It's only when she falls asleep or in the evenings that I don't feel her. It's weird. Every night it comes to a time when I cannot feel her anymore. I asked Seungmin if he knew, and he told me that he had no idea what it could be. And he seemed genuine so he couldn't be trying to omit it from me.

•••

My unit stage was happening right now, the concert has been amazing, and I could almost say that I could feel her seeing me. It was almost as if she was here watching our concert. I knew that she wasn't, but her emotions felt like it. Even my emotions made me feel like she might be here, she isn't, and I know that. The other 3 members have been doing little covers of other artists' songs, and I'm next. I thought about what Lee Know said in the hotel and I talked about that idea with Changbin and he agreed with my song choice, so I gave the instructions to our live band and started singing Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer.

"Remember the words you told me, love me 'til the day I die

Surrender my everything 'cause you made me believe you're mine

Yeah, you used to call me baby, now you calling me by name"

I'm giving my best to not cry from the begging to the end of the song, but when memories from Eunwoo and I flood my brain it starts to feel impossible and so I start tearing up and singing at the same time. STAY's "aww" in unison and I try to stop crying, but I can feel her sadness too. I know you are watching me, I can feel it now. I think to myself and finish the song.

"Say you want me

Say you want me

Out of your life

And I'm just a dead man walking tonight"

When I'm back in my Hotel bedroom, I write, but this time it's not a song, it's a letter. A letter that I'll try to read to her, hopefully before the tour ends – I make a self-note to try to call her and read the letter tomorrow. But if I become a coward, I'll ask Seungmin for her address and send it to her.

I need you to know that I love you more than anything else in this world. More than music. More than my own career. And I'll do my best for us to be together again. It's the final sentence that I write on the letter, I fold the paper in 3 and put it inside my notepad, that way I won't lose it.

I wash off the sweat from the concert, and tonight I sleep with Minho. I can't bear being alone after so many emotions.

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I hope you like it! I thought that it was necessary a Han's POV chapter, this way you can have a perspective on how Han has been feeling and also try to understand his side of the story and his decisions.

Don't forget to VOTE, SHARE, and COMMENT!

See in the next chapter 😊

- tangerines_and_tae