Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Saturday 12

Anne was trailing behind Harry as they made their way down the corridor, his steps being quick and too spritely for her to keep up with. Over one shoulder she had her handbag, and over the other she had Harry's satchel. The boy had been too -Anne couldn't find another word to describe it, even though it was too strong in an emotional sense to fit the situation- excited that the brown bag on the back seat had been left abandoned. He'd jumped out the car in such a hurry that he stumbled over his long feet, which seemed to set him back to normal speed.Anne had just chuckled at him and shook her head in bafflement. There wasn't even any need for Harry to be so excited; nothing out of the ordinary was happening. It was a normal day: not a birthday, not a special event. No, it was a normal Saturday for Harry. For Anne, it was more of a wakeup call that there were only 4 weeks to go until the concert to end all her charity work in the Uni. But that didn't affect Harry at all, well, maybe a little. But after what she'd heard the week previous from the boy in an intimate chat, she knew the end of the event wouldn't make any difference.So Anne had followed Harry into the Uni, motioning to her co-worker that she'd be over in a minute before chasing after Harry down the corridor. Maybe the stumble hadn't necessarily set Harry back into normal reality, but really, who knew what was going on in that boy's brain sometimes.Harry stopped promptly in front of the door which was partially open. As Anne leant on the wall in silence, waiting for him to react, she could see that mischievous glint in his eyes that she hardly ever got to see.Normally, a parent would be apprehensive to see that glint. They'd sigh in discontent and wait impatiently for the child to just get their mischief over and done with so they could get to work on damage control as soon as possible. With Anne, however, she was the opposite. The years of his childhood weren't filled with pranks and bouts of tomfoolery. They were filled with reduced laughter and calm, precious moments together. Of course Harry had a joke; he wasn't void of humour. He actually had a rather dry sense of humour, and although nobody else really knew that, it did come to play in family outings together.It was easier for Anne to see a more -not to sound like Harry was boring, dull and serious- fun side to Harry when they were out on trips. At home, he usually either locked himself in his room, stared at the telly for hours on end, or practically chained himself to the piano with the amount of playing he did. That wasn't to say he never spent time with the family in the house; he was just easier to socialise with in the park or on a picnic somewhere.But that's getting off track. All those past years, Harry never had anyone apart from Gemma to pull pranks on or meddle with to devise such plans with. What with Gemma being a girl -a girly girl at that- she was never that interested. Therefore, seeing Harry being able to openly express such naughtiness was a surprise. A good surprise though, a heartwarming surprise.A lot of things had changed in the past three months -three months? Anne couldn't believe it'd been that long since Harry had met Louis-, mischief and happiness included, all for the better.Anne was brought back to the present time when Harry tapped on her arm, the glint still dancing in his eyes, and raised his finger to his lips. Anne would never say, but her heart would always break whenever Harry did something like that, something that was telling others to silence in a way anyone who could freely speak would do. Harry didn't have the choice to obey or disobey someone doing such a thing, so seeing him do it was even more painful.The mother nodded in understanding and crept silently behind Harry as he pushed the door open wider and tiptoed over to Louis. Louis was tinkling on the piano aimlessly and unaware of the sneaking bodies. Anne hovered by the door, worried she'd mess the whole plan up by taking further steps. She looked on as Harry's hands lingered over Louis' oblivious shoulders for a few seconds, before plummeting down on them rapidly. Louis jumped in shock and let out a girlish squeal through his mouth which hung agape, matching his widened eyes, both in turn sending Harry in fit of cackling laughter.Anne's heart was warming at a rapid pace as she let Harry's laugh filter though her ears. She couldn't prevent the large grin settling on her lips which was either from Louis' reaction to Harry or Harry's to the older boy. Of course she had heard Harry laugh before, but she could almost feel the utter admiration and happiness that was strung through every note which passed through his lips.With Louis' laughter combined, the two noises seemed to fit so perfectly. Harry's laugh was deep, but still had that edge to make it young and innocent. Louis' laugh was rather high pitched, maybe nasally at times, but it wasn't piercingly high that it was annoying. The two laughs seemed to balance each other out. It was as if they each told a story singularly and then together they told a whole new story of the both of them.Harry's laugh was new and refreshing.Louis' laugh was confident and wholesome.Both of their laughs were happiness.The two settled down on the stool together, Harry on the left and Louis on the right. Anne almost didn't want to break their little bubble by announcing her presence, but she couldn't have just snuck off without saying a quick farewell to Harry.She padded over to them, Harry spotting her first. He smiled genuinely, along with so much hope and content in his eyes that Anne wanted to take a snapshot to keep forever. Wordlessly, she patted his shoulder encouragingly and dropped his bag behind the stool. She muttered a quiet 'see you later' to Louis who smiled back with a widened grin, and slowly made her way out of the room. Their banter resumed as soon as she was walking away, and she couldn't resist pausing by the door, hidden from sight, to peer at the pair for a few minutes longer.She wasn't exactly listening to what they were saying; no, her thoughts led her elsewhere. Seeing them sitting so close, Harry's hands holding over Louis' to guide them around the piano and Harry's eyes looking at Louis with that feeling he had discussed with her, Anne's thoughts were cast back to that night a week ago.

It wasn't often that Anne had the chance to sit on the sofa with Harry, thick duvet covering their bodies, cups of hot lemonade cradled between their hands -Harry not liking hot chocolate was just so awkward sometimes- and their bodies facing each other, ready to talk. They were close, almost like best friends. Anne was around Harry as much as she could be, bar school, so she knew that when Harry needed to talk, then he'd come to her. She'd been waiting for a talk for a good few weeks, but didn't want to push her son or else he'd refuse to at all. Finally though, after all that waiting, she felt that familiar tug on her sleeve that Harry always did when he wanted to talk to her about something deeper than trivial banter.Harry looked tentative and a little hesitant as he sipped on his hot beverage. They weren't speaking just then, just relaxing into the calm atmosphere that Anne was making sure was there. Serious talks were ones that Anne never wanted Harry to be uncomfortable during, so she made sure that they were as easy as possible for him to engage in.Once their drinks were finished and placed on the coffee table in front, Anne nudged Harry who seemed to have lost himself in a trance. She spoke gently to him, not putting any pressure in her tone at all, "Hey, Harry, you wanna talk?"He blushed a little as he was pulled from his daze, and fumbled around the duvet for the thick black pen. They'd invested a long time ago in a whiteboard for Harry because it was so much easier to use, especially in times when Harry needed to reply quickly.He nodded in response, smiling gratefully towards her. He pulled the cap of the pen off between his lips, spitting it out onto the duvet recklessly, and put his pen onto the board. Once he'd done so, he couldn't seem to be able to move it. He was frozen still. Anne watched as he breathed deeply in and out, his chest contracting and relaxing evenly. His green eyes were flickering around the blank board as if searching for the answer. After deliberating in his mind, his eyes fluttered up to Anne's where he winced as if to say 'I don't know how to say it' or 'I don't know where to start'."Let's start with the general topic, yeh? Tell me what we're talking about and we'll go from there," Anne's tone wasn't patronising in the slightest to Harry. It was caring, that was all.Harry slowly moved the pen over the board, causing a squeak to sound from the action.

Louis'Of course' Anne thought. She was somewhat expecting it to be about the older boy. Everything seemed to be about him nowadays, not that Anne was complaining though. She was very fond of the boy and he made her boy happy, so that was all that mattered."What about him, hun?" She asked.

I have this...feeling that I getAnne nodded cautiously, not knowing where the conversation was going. Her eyes were wide and curious as she spoke, "and what feeling is this? Can you describe it for me?"Harry looked at battle with himself. He couldn't seem to form coherent words that strung together in his head to make a viable sentence to then reiterate to Anne. He was gnawing on his bottom lip in frustration, writing words but then rubbing them out when he realised that they weren't right. Harry looked up at his mother with confusion in his eyes. He obviously didn't know what the feeling was, and he couldn't even describe it properly."Okay, when do you get this feeling?" Anne asked softly. She didn't want this to sound like a counselling session, so she -with some apprehension- took Harry's hand in hers and stroked the pale skin a little. Harry didn't flinch at the touch, so he obviously must've let his guard down the second he tugged on her sleeve.

Whenever I'm around him"Right. Is it a good feeling? Or a bad feeling?"Harry looked at her in with his eyes swimming with insecurity. Evidently he was unsure on the answer, and it became obvious to Anne that that was why Harry wanted to talk. He didn't know what the feeling was, if he should've been having it, and why he was having it. Anne knew in the back of her mind what it was, but she was going to let Harry figure it out himself."Do you feel better when you feel it? Do you feel happy?"

Yeh...I think I do"Do you only get it around Lou?"Harry seemed to be shocked and confused when Anne called Louis using his nickname, and he blinked heavily at her. Soon enough though, he was writing back on the board and the slip up buried deep in his brain.

Yeh. I've never had it around anyone else before, and I only get it with him now, too. I didn't used to have it, when we first met and stuff, it's just been recentlyAnne sat in thought for a few minutes, while Harry played with a loose thread on the duvet, anticipating her verdict. Anne didn't want to push her thoughts onto him, but it was pretty clear what it was. Yes, she wanted Harry to realise it on his own, but he couldn't seem to do that. A part of Anne was a little sad that he couldn't do it on his own, that he'd never had the experience before to know the feeling. But then again, at least he was feeling it now, so that's what made Anne smile at him encouragingly."Harry, I don't want you to freak out, okay?" She started, and Harry's eyes were suddenly struck with fear. "Oh, no no, sweetheart, it's nothing bad! Don't worry!" she corrected, and the terror seemed to die down a little."I think...I think that you like him."Anne could see the cogs turning in Harry's brain, slowly but surely. His eyes were searching the wall behind her, flickering around as he tried to find the understanding he needed. It was a simple enough statement, but the words had to click into place first for Harry to realise the impact of them. He was a clever boy; he'd excelled in school and was predicted to get A* in practically every subject, but emotional knowledge was his downfall. He was never that confident to ask about certain feelings; he wanted to be independent and figure them out on his own. But sometimes he couldn't do that, and he needed Anne's prompting to help.Anne watched as realisation seemed to spread over the green of Harry's eyes. It speckled over the jade spots and embraced the flecks of gold with its whole heart. Harry's eyes widened but the rest of his face stayed rather unemotionally affected. His eyes told the trials and tribulations that were running through his mind as he tried to process the truth in the statement.They darted over to Anne, and she saw the mixed emotions he was feeling. His face had slackened into a small, worried grimace, and his eyebrows furrowed anxiously. Anne made sure that she expressed nothing but support and understanding as he looked at her for help. He blindly patted for the pen and once he found it, he broke his glance to her and looked down at the board as he wrote:

What do I do?Anne felt like her heart was about to lurch out of her chest. His eyes were so wide and innocent as he looked up at her, and although Harry would deny it if it were ever brought up -not that it would be- but Anne was almost positive that there was film of clear lining his eyes, threatening to fall."Aw, sweetheart, come here," she said warmly, pushing the duvet back a bit and holding her arms out. Harry shuffled around and crawled into her arms, letting her wrap her arms around him and lean his head on her chest."I want you to remember this, okay? Liking Louis is nothing bad, not at all. There isn't anything wrong with it in any way, and there isn't any need to do anything about it. Just because you've realised that you like him differently to what you would a friend, that doesn't change anything. You still love him as a friend so nothing has changed there, and you probably aren't in love with him." Harry shook his head in her chest, agreeing with her. "So nothing has changed with that either. It's a small little increase in emotion that doesn't change much at all. You've been feeling this way for a while, yeh? Yeh, so you don't need to act any differently. I don't want you to worry about this, love, because it's just natural. Everyone gets these feelings in their life, it just so happens that your first time is now. And y'know what? I think Louis is the best person for you to feel like this with, because he cares for you so so much already and I'm sure that one day, if not already, he'll realise that he likes you the same way too."Harry paused for a few moments to let the words sink in, and then looked up to his mother as if to ask 'you really think that?'"How can he not? You two are perfect together as friends, so I'm sure that you'll be perfect together as a couple."Harry grabbed his board and scribbled down another reply:

So if we did get together, then you'd be alright with that?"Of course I would, H! I love Louis to pieces; I'd be honoured to call him my son's boyfriend!" Harry seemed happy with this confirmation, and let a smile gather on his lips. Anne didn't want to wipe it off, it was an unexpected expression since he seemed so vulnerable moments previously, but she had to make sure that Harry understood everything."I...I don't want you getting too invested in this, though. Yes, I think you two would be perfect together and I said that he'll eventually realise that he likes you back, but I don't know that 100%. I don't know what's going on inside his head, so don't get your hopes up for something that might never happen. I know it sounds mean, but I just don't want you getting hurt, H."

Of course I won't, Mum. I mean, I don't expect him to like me back at all... He'd never like someone like me anyway. But it's nice feeling this way though, y'know? I'll try not to get in too deep...but you'll be there if I do, right?"Certainly, of course I'll be there for you. Whenever you need to talk, even to talk about the slightest thing, you come to me straight away, yeh? Don't harbour those feelings inside for too long, or else they might turn sour and I want to help you, H, I want you to always be as happy as you are now."

Thank you, Mum. I love youWith teary eyes after rereading the small writing over and over again, Anne pressed a kiss onto Harry's forehead, replying with a choked "I love you too, H, I love you too."

So there Anne was, watching as her son interacted so joyfully with the boy he liked. He seemed truly happy, regardless of the fact that he had no clue whether the feelings were returned. Anne felt a little bit ashamed, actually, over the fact she hadn't noticed sooner. Those adoring eyes were so familiar; they'd been there for a while. They hadn't been there since the start though, she knew that. After all, Harry didn't have enough confidence to even let himself subconsciously start to like the boy until he was secure in their friendship.Somewhere in the back of Anne's mind she knew that, although love was supposed to be a trodden path with bumps and scratches, the start of their relationship was going to defy that and be simply perfect. She couldn't imagine any love-filled pining being only at one end rather than both; the only possibility would be both of them wanting each other.Louis was a very sociable and friendly lad, but his friendship with Harry was much deeper than that. Although one could say that their friendship was just so strong that his caring was only in a platonic form, Anne could tell that there was something there, whether Louis knew it yet or not. Harry knew his feelings now, and he could wait if need be because he didn't know what would happen after; he didn't know the course of a relationship. Anne wasn't sure if Louis would be so cautious, if he would wait to cement his feelings before acting upon them. But either way, as long as they got together and Harry was happy, that was all that needed to happen.There was always the worry that Louis would hurt Harry, and Harry would never be able to recover. He took things to heart more than he let on, and one slight slip up could cost him the whole three months of becoming a happier person. But Anne knew that Harry had, during the days after their talk, considered everything. If Harry trusted Louis, then Anne would trust him too.With one last glance over to the boys who were totally immersed in their own little world, Anne smiled softly and left the two to get on with their afternoon.

"Haz, I really can't be arsed to even play right now," Louis sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. It had been around half an hour since Harry had arrived and even the small tinkling on the piano was tiring Louis out. It wasn't like the noise was atrocious and giving him a pounding headache, he was just incredibly tired and he couldn't be bothered to concentrate on the ivory keys. He knew that if he actually did play, his tiredness would probably pass, but he didn't want to force the music out of him. Playing with Harry was easy, and he didn't want to change that even just for a few minutes by forcing his hands to clunk the keys.Harry looked over at him in question, his eyes curious as to why Louis didn't want to play. His eyes weren't evoking hurt or anything of the similar; they were just purely wondering why Louis didn't want to take part in their weekly activity."I'm just...I wish I had a better excuse, but I'm just proper knackered," Louis admitted with a dry chuckle. He looked over at Harry, whose face had a judging eyebrow raise set upon it and a purse of the lips."What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!" Louis exclaimed in a flurry.Harry scrambled for the pen and paper lying aimlessly on the piano top, and scribbled on it quickly as not to lose his judgemental exterior:

Someone get in a bit late last night, did they? Or was it the morning? Walk of shame?Harry was teasing him, no bitterness in his expression. He was teasing Louis over the fact he thought that Louis had been out the night previous and scored.Louis liked the fact Harry was comfortable to do such a thing with him, especially over a matter which wasn't innocent in the slightest. The fact that Harry was comfortable with his past, and present, escapades made Louis so very relieved. He could have genuine, teenage-boy banter with him, like he would with anyone else. It was just another piece to the puzzle of a normal relationship."No, I didn't actually! I didn't even leave the house! I was set on having an early night, but then Zayn, Liam and Niall all came over with beer and pizza and I just really couldn't resist. We ended up playing on the Xbox for ages, and then had a movie marathon. Well, it wasn't really a marathon because we fell asleep two hours into it, but still, it was like 4 in the morning when we nodded off so you can't really blame me."Harry looked at him sceptically, checking out whether he was lying or not. It seemed Louis was telling the truth, and the bags under his eyes were evidence of his late night. Regardless of them, his face did seem quite bright, so he definitely wasn't hung over. Harry nodded slowly, telling Louis that he believed him, before picking up the pen again and writing once more:

Well what do you want to do then? I mean it's kinda wet outside so I don't want to go back out there, and there isn't anything other than a piano in this room, and that's what you don't want to do so...Louis sat in thought for a few moments, before speaking in a questioning tone. "We could talk?" His shoulders were raised in a shrug and his lips were pressed together to give his speech a lighter tone so that Harry could disagree with his suggestion if he wanted to.Harry didn't disagree though; he, in fact, nodded enthusiastically with a bright smile. It was the simple things which pleased Harry. A suggestion to just talk brightened him up immediately."I feel like I need to face you to talk..." Louis muttered, drumming his fingers on his chin as he thought. As the idea sprung into his head, he threw his leg over the back of the stool so each of his legs were hanging from both sides. "C'mon, swivel around so I can see you. You can just put the piano lid down and lean sideways to write," Louis instructed. Harry obliged and carefully lowered the lid that covered the keys. He then awkwardly lifted his leg, his foot nearly kicking Louis in the face his leg was so long, and settled it so he was straddling the seat like Louis, opposite him."So, what you want to talk about, stud?- okay, I have no clue why I just did a Sandy impression, it isn't even a line from the film, but let's just pretend I never did that and move on..." Louis' cheeks flared after he realised that he'd just done said impression, and he corrected himself instantly. That didn't stop Harry laughing loudly at it, but honestly, Louis didn't mind that he'd made a fool out of himself if he got that reaction.

Uhm...well leading on from why you're so tired, can you tell me about your friends?Well, that was a tricky topic.Louis wasn't sure what to say about them. Obviously he wasn't going to reveal their dislike towards the boy because he'd never tell Harry something so irrelevantly ignorant, but it was difficult to pick out certain parts to tell Harry. He didn't want to come across as boasting. Harry hadn't had any friends before; as much as it broke Louis' heart to say it, he hadn't. So he didn't want it to come across as rubbing it in the boy's face as he explained all the amazing qualities and lifelong friendship he had with the boys."What d'you want to know?"

Were they the ones at the park last week?Louis gulped, "Yeh, that was them. Zayn's the one with the quiff, the mysterious 'bad boy' one. Niall's the one with the bright blonde mop of hair. And Liam's the one who tends to hang back a bit, with the dusty brown hair."

You looked like you were arguing with them...are you guys alright?"Y-yeh, we're fine now. It was nothing serious, nothing a beer couldn't solve. They're pretty straight forward guys; they don't really think much else than in black and white. I know sometimes that isn't the best, but they're good guys, regardless of the petty arguments we get in. They'll always be my best friends."

They seem like sound lads. I'd like to have people like that, someone who'll never leave me and who knows me better than anyone else...Harry's expression wasn't exactly sorrowful or remorseful, but it wasn't overly cheery or happy either. His face was almost void of emotion, like the topic wasn't worth the hassle of showing how he felt towards it. It obviously meant something to him, but he didn't want to come across as caring about something as emotionally invested as that."They are..." Louis didn't know how to comment on Harry's admittance. He wanted to be tactile in his words, but he didn't want to come across as forcing his opinion onto Harry. In the end, he just turned to honesty: "I'd like to think that I'm like that though...like for you. I'm not going to leave you, and I know I don't know you better than your family, but I know you pretty well, right?"Harry let out a soft sigh as he replied on the paper:

Well yeh, I'd like to think that, but I don't know you like they know you, do I?Louis pondered for a minute or so. Obviously the lads knew him better than anyone, probably better than his own mother. He and Zayn had been attached at the hip for practically all their lives. He'd told the boy everything about him, and vice versa. So no, Harry didn't know him like that just yet. But that wasn't to say he couldn't know everything about him in the future. Louis was sure that as long as Harry wanted him, he'd be there to learn everything about the boy and he'd tell Harry everything he wanted to know.In some way, Harry did know Louis in a different want to the lads. He didn't fancy them; he never had and never would fancy them. He didn't get those irritatingly blissful butterflies in his stomach when he was with them, nor did he want to lock his hands with them like he did with Harry's long fingers. Harry knew the more caring and delicate side of him, as well as the boisterous side."Well...I mean, I've known them all my life, and we've only known each other three months, so you can't have picked up everything that quickly. But you know a lot about me, andI know a lot about you, even in that short time frame," Louis stated. He paused for a second or so, his voice softening into a quiet tone and his head ducking as he spoke, "And anyway, you do know a different side to me that they don't know..."Harry's face was plastered in confusion. He was clearly unsure on what Louis was inferring in the latter part of his speech. Louis was kind of glad that he hadn't given himself away. He didn't mean to say the extra sentence, but his reply didn't seem adequate enough and it just slipped out. The main reason he wasn't telling Harry that he liked him in that way was because he didn't want to scare him off. But he'd just let it slip through and the instant panic had set in. Of course he'd love to become a couple and be with Harry in that way, and the sentence wasn't even that giving, but the worry was still there, lying low in his chest.

How?"It's just a different side, I guess..." Louis said vaguely. The older boy didn't mind getting personal with Harry, not in the slightest, but when it concerned the curly haired boy himself, he didn't want say anything too private or else Harry might freak out.Harry sat trying to decipher what Louis was saying, but he was still totally unaware. His eyebrows had furrowed once more, and he even had a light blush dusting over his cheeks because he felt slightly stupid for not understanding.

I just don't understand...I don't know anything they don't, like you're the same with them as you are with me, right?"But you're different, Haz! You're...Harry. And they're Zayn, Liam and Niall and I feel totally different about you to how I do with them!" Louis blurted out. His hands were gesturing wildly as he tried to explain his words.Harry looked at him with confusion drenched eyes, and a slight smirk on his lips at the older boy's babbling. Louis wasn't making any sense, evidently, to the boy and he was just repeating himself over and over again.

What's the difference though? I don't get what the difference you feel is! Is it even a good difference?"I...well, yeh of cour- in some way, yeh it is..but in a tiny bit- no, well yeh..I...just- Argh I can't...just, y'know when you've got a boyfriend? That feeling?"Harry froze, visibly. His head was cast downwards and his shoulders were hunched up instantly. Louis couldn't see Harry's eyes, but he presumed they'd be tight shut. His left hand was bunched into a ball, fisting his trouser leg tightly. His head was shaking from side to side, but Louis didn't know whether that was in answer to his stumbling speech or whether it was just another part of his reaction."Hey, babe, what's wrong?" Louis said softly, using a hooked finger to find Harry's chin and pull his face up. Harry's eyes opened slowly from being closed, and he shook his head more slowly.It took Louis a moment to realise that he was answering his question from before, and that realisation struck through to his heart. Harry's expression seemed like there was pain threaded through each speck in his eye. He looked upset and embarrassed over his truthful answer. Louis just wanted to gather him in the biggest hug he could, because seeing Harry as hurt as he was made his heart crack straight down the middle."Y-you don't know that feeling?" He asked gently in his quiet tone. His finger was still poised under Harry's chin, keeping him from hiding himself away again.Harry scoffed audibly and pulled his face off of Louis' finger. He had a grimacing smirk on his lips as he shook his head, like the answer to Louis' question was the most obvious answer in the world. He snatched the pen from the piano lid and scratched on the paper in an almost furious manner.

Well obviously, I'm as far away from that feeling as you can get."What d'you mean?" Louis asked, practically in a whisper. The tension in the room had built from the happy atmosphere to a thick air of anguish.

I haven't even been kissed beforeIt was when, after Louis had read over the words many a time, Harry had let out a humourless sigh through his smirking lips which weren't powered by mischief or laughter, that Louis felt the words sink into his skin. With Harry's eyes turning glassier by the second, and the realism of the words settling into his heart, Louis could tell that this subject wasn't just skin deep for Harry. He seemed to actually be affected by the fact he'd never been kissed, and the simplicity of that made Louis' throat close up.It's the way he said 'haven't even been kissed'. The word 'even' made it sound like it was the easiest thing on Earth, and he couldn't even achieve that. It was like it was at the bottom of the pile, the first hurdle, and he hadn't been able to clamber over it to get to further experiences. Pairing that with the way Harry was reacting, Harry looked almost desperate. Not in that way, not in the clingy way where he was desperate to be kissed for the sake of it. No, he seemed desperate for someone to understand. Someone to care."Harry, don't get upset, please," Louis said as Harry's glossy eyes washed over his face to look for something to react to. Louis replaced his hand under Harry's chin again, rubbing his thumb on the smooth skin of Harry's cheek soothingly.Harry looked at him and shrugged, as if to say 'I can't help it'."Talk to me about it, please. I don't like seeing you like this," Louis said sincerely. Harry closed his eyes slowly and picked up the pen. Louis stopped his finger from washing over the pale skin and dropped his hand so Harry could write easier.

You won't understand though..."I'll try. At least let me try and understand, because I really want to," Harry's eyes flickered up from staring down at the paper and up to Louis' eyes. It was just a flash, but it was enough for Harry to know that Louis meant what he said. Louis wanted to know and he wanted to understand what Harry was feeling; he cared enough to want to make it better for him, and if letting Harry explain was the way to do that, then he'd sit for days just listening.Harry nodded a little and wrote a little more onto the page.

This might take a while, and it's pretty pathetic, are you sure? I don't want to be a burden and put all my shitty problems onto you..."Seriously Harry, I want to listen to you. You will never, ever be a burden to me, got it? And a problem is never pathetic if it hurts someone. If it's important to you, then it's important to me."

Okay...right...I don't really know where to start. I feel so stupid writing this, like, to other people it isn't anything special and it doesn't affect them. Some people aren't bothered at all; they think a kiss is just another form of affection. But like...it means something to me because I don't get any affection at all. I don't even let people touch me. I can't help it though, it's what I do. I don't do it on purpose but it makes me uncomfortable if it's someone I don't know. I'm going to have to find someone who I really know and I'm comfortable doing normal things with first, to then even consider kissing them. It sounds impatient, but that will take forever and from waiting this long, I don't know how long I can wait.I mean, yeh, I've probably brought it on myself anyway because of just how I am, but it's hard to accept that nobody wants you to even do something that they pass off as a simple action.It hurts me. It sounds pathetic, like what, not having someone kiss you hurts you? I know, I know there are so many other problems in the world. People are dying for fucks sake, and I'm here complaining and wallowing in self-pity that nobody cares enough to kiss me. But this is the biggest problem I have, and it's the one that I concentrate on. I know the fact I can't speak is probably one of my biggest problems too, but I'm used to that. I never used to care that I hadn't been with someone in that way until a few years ago. And I'm at the age where people will have had their first boyfriends and girlfriends, and I'm even legal now so it shows that people are supposed to have sex now. And I can't even get a kiss. A stupid fucking kiss.It's when I see people together. They look so fucking happy and I just want to feel an ounce of that happiness. They must feel properly happy inside because they know that someone likes them for who they are. They like how they look and they like who they are inside. They think they're pretty, they think they're gorgeous. And they potentially want to be with them for the rest of their life. Why can't someone like me like that?It's when you hear the girls gossiping about having sex, passing it off as nothing, it feels like they're directing it at you. Like they're boasting and mocking the fact you haven't even been kissed. Something they probably did when they were eleven or something.It makes me feel so...immature. Like, they've got so much more experience. They've been kissed and they've done other stuff, stuff that I can only fantasise over because I can't even get past the first hurdle.I'm scared. I'm scared that nobody is ever going to love me like that. I'm scared that I'm going to be alone all my life. Because really, who is going to love a mute? They'll see me as stupid and childish because I won't have a fucking clue what to do to kiss them. They'll see my inexperience and leave me feeling worse than I already do. But anyway, it's not like anyone is actually going to like me enough to even consider kissing me anyway.Some people don't give a fuck about kissing. They'd kiss anyone. And no offence, but you're one of those people. I don't hate you for it, like I don't even care. I'm just saying that to most people, they're so used to it that it isn't anything to bother with. It's just something petty. To me, it's a big deal. It shows a lot of emotion and it's something you'd do with someone you really like to show them how much you care. But most people don't care about the people they're kissing.But they're the ones who are confident with who they are, they're the ones who have been told that they're beautiful or gorgeous, or even hot or fit. They're the ones who've been loved.It's just... If it's so fucking simple, and it's such a small deal, then how come I haven't been kissed?Am I that ugly?Am I that awkward?Am I that fucked up?Am I that much of a freak?Am I that unlovable that nobody can even take pity to kiss me?

Harry couldn't deny the huge, choking lump in his throat, nor could he deny the lining of tears which filled his eyes. He felt pathetic. He felt stupid. He'd never told anyone how he felt about the subject; it was one he vowed to keep bottled up inside him for as long as he lived. But suddenly, as Louis' cerulean eyes looked at him, the cork was popped out of that tightly shut bottle and he was spilling his emotions onto the victim sheet of paper. His words filled practically the whole sheet but it still didn't look enough. Those vile emotions which brought him down so much could only fill up such a small space.He knew Louis would be considerate and he wouldn't laugh at him, but there was always a part of him which was scared that Louis would find him too insecure and would want to leave him all alone, back to how he was.Because that's what Harry was: insecure. He hadn't had anyone to tell him that he was perfect the way he was, and although he wasn't about to change himself any time soon, he didn't feel comfortable with nobody caring. Of course his Mum had told him that, and so had his family, but you don't take those kinds of compliments seriously from family because they mean it in a total different way.Harry just wanted to be loved.He was scared to look up and watch Louis' reactions whilst reading his words. He didn't want to see the face he made when he realised how pathetic Harry was.Eventually, Harry heard Louis shuffle forward on the stool. Without speaking, Louis readjusted himself so he was sitting cross-legged on the seat and then lifted Harry's knees to direct him to do the same. Harry arranged himself to mirror Louis, but still didn't glance up at his face. The paper was lying between their laps, the writing glaring up at Harry in black streaks.Their knees were touching as they sat, and Harry thought his were going to blister with burns from the heat that the touch produced. He still wasn't accustomed to Louis' touches, and maybe with the new found revelation that he liked the boy, the touches weren't ever going to feel as a normal friend's would.When both of Louis' hands cupped Harry's chin to lift it up, Harry put all his strength -which wasn't much because he was rather emotional- in keeping his face out of sight. He pushed down on the hands, but Louis pushed up, and he couldn't prevail as the boy muttered a quiet "C'mon Harry, look at me."Harry's eyes danced over Louis' face, searching for at least a smidgen of amusement at his expense. Alas, he found none. He took in Louis' clouded eyes and realised that, no, Louis was never going to be amused by it. He looked maybe as hurt as Harry, but obviously not in that sense. He seemed to have taken the words to heart; it looked like he understood."I- I want you to listen to me, okay? Don't interrupt me, don't disagree or deny anything, just listen."Harry nodded, not sure on where the conversation was going. Louis' words came out thick, and he coughed to rid himself of the lump clogging his throat."You...fuck, Harry. You don't realise how beautiful you really are, do you? I've...I've never seen someone who is so insecure when they look like you do. There's nothing in the slightest which sets you apart negatively from the rest. Actually, you are set apart from the rest, but in a good way, because you're the most special person I've ever met. Forget the fact that you can't speak, forget the fact that yeh, maybe you don't like that much physical contact, and forget the fact that haven't kissed anyone; none of that matters. You, Haz, are perfect. Your looks on the outside are just as perfect as your personality on the inside. You've got these gorgeous green eyes, which I'm surprised nobody else has been lost in them like I have. You've got that big mop of hair that's as soft as anything. You're just you. People are idiots not to have kissed you, they really are."Harry's heart was stuttering in his chest. His breathing was somewhat laboured, but he hid it by breathing in and out through his nose as he bit his lip. He was sure his eyes were wide as they stared directly at Louis. He didn't know how to express himself when those words had been said to him.Nobody had ever said anything of such worth before, let alone anything so kind. The words were practically unbelievable to Harry. He couldn't take such huge compliments on board when he'd never had any small compliments before. Hearing them come from Louis made them that bit more special. Louis was the boy that he liked, and although the compliments didn't mean that Louis liked him back, they were still from the boy he admired so that was all that mattered.Louis had just called Harry beautiful.Harry couldn't even begin to describe how that made him feel.He blindly reached for the pen and pulled the paper to rest on his knee to write again. Louis' hands crumbled from Harry's face, and suddenly the skin where they lay felt unusually cold.

I...nobody has ever said anything like that to me before..."I know, Harry, and it's a travesty that they haven't. Because you deserve those words to be said to you a million times over, you really do."Harry's heart fluttered again, and he felt that bundle of butterflies swarm in his stomach.

I just want it to be special. I wish I was special enough for someone to like me like that, and to want to love me and to want to tell me the kind of thing you just said but all the time... "Shit, Harry, you are special. You don't realise it, but you really are. Nobody is as special as you, I swear to you. I...I just wish I was special enough for you..."Special enough for him? Harry was baffled. Of course Louis was special, what was he going on about? If anyone, it was Harry who wasn't special enough for Louis, he was a nobody and he certainly wasn't anything extraordinary.

What do you mean you're not special enough for me?Louis sighed and ran had hand over his face in what Harry suspected to be anguish. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, noises stuttering out but being stopped by his mouth snapping shut soon after they emerged. The older boy squeezed his eyes together as he went to speak, like he was telling a secret regardless of the fact he knew he shouldn't have been:"I..I really like you, Harry. Like I really like likeyou, more than I should. And I hate it because I don't deserve you in the slightest. I wish I did deserve you because I want to fall in love with you more than anything, and I want to be your first kiss, I really do, but I can't take that away from you when you don't even like me like that, and when I don't deserve to do that either because you need someone special to take that away from you. And I'm not special enough."Harry thought he was going to start hyperventilating as Louis spoke. There was no way that Louis was lying, that thought had passed through Harry's mind many a time in the few seconds pause after Louis had spoken. His eyes were always the giveaway as to whether he was lying, joking, being sincere; whichever emotion he was using, his eyes would show it. So when Harry saw the pure honesty and the tinges of pain in those blue depths, he thought his heart was going to burst.His mind was racing at a hundred miles per hour, 'Louis likes me' circulating his brain faster than anything could. He didn't understand how it was possible. Louis liked him? Harry? The boy who couldn't speak at all? It just wasn't possible.As if sensing Harry's -somewhat- breakdown, Louis quickly spoke out: "God, I'm so sorry Harry. I get it, you don't like me. Fuck, I'm so stupid. Please don't let this come between us, please I really love being your friend and I don't know what I'd do if you hated me and-"Harry cut off Louis' babbling by showing the added writing he quickly scribbled onto the page as Louis tried to do damage control. Harry seemed to have gotten his mind in check as Louis kept talking. Well, as best as he could anyway, and it was a shocking revelation.

You actually mean that?"100%. I'm sorry if you're freaked out by this and I swear I won't ever bring it up again if you tell me to just back the fuck off if you don't like me that way. I totally get it, I mean-"

You talk a lot, don't you?Harry's small attempt at humour didn't earn a chuckle from Louis, although it did cause him to stop his incessant babbling.

Can you not babble and maybe just answer me simply? This is kinda a lot to get my head around...So, you like me? In that way?"Yes. More than you can imagine. I mean, I'm not in love with you but I like- oops, sorry," Louis winced as he remembered the order to stop babbling, but it seemed like his mouth just wanted to keep running off with itself.

Like in the way that I like you?"Uh...well it depends on how you like me?" Louis tone curled up in pitch at the end as he turned his statement into a question.

Well...I think I like like you...Harry was blushing as he wrote down the words, and he was flushed bright scarlet as he showed Louis them. Maybe it was Harry's heart shaped eyes which made him think that Louis' eyes lit up at the statement, but he was sure that Louis did definitely break into a disbelieving grin that stretched from ear to ear."You...you do?"Yeh...I do..kinda a lot..."W-wow. Okay...I don't even know what to say..."

...So if we both like each other like that, and I would like it if you kissed me, would you?Harry watched as Louis froze. He stared at Harry for seconds, face lacking in emotion, before his expression relaxed into an unsure form."I...I can't take that away from you though, Haz. I don't deserve to be the one to take something so special from you..." It was obvious that Louis wanted to; the pining in his eyes was obvious. But something in his mind was holding him back.

Lou, please. I don't want anyone else to be my first kiss except you...After momentarily pausing to deliberate his decision, Louis' eyes were bright and wide, staring into Harry's. This time, Harry didn't let his eyes stray from the blue pools and kept them connected with the boy's. He loved looking in Louis' eyes, and this time they were brighter than they had ever been. He could see how Louis was biting his lip to hold back a beaming smile, but he just concentrated on the fact that Louis looked genuinely happy, and that it was all because of him.Harry's heart was pounding in his chest and the nerves were wracking his bones more than he could imagine. Adrenaline was high but that didn't stop the worry of him doing something wrong flood his brain. He couldn't mess this up, he just couldn't.Louis was inching forward slowly, one of his hands reaching out to cup Harry's chin, while the other cradled the back of his neck. Harry's breathing was heavy; he couldn't suppress it. As their faces were mere inches apart, Louis whispered softly, "don't be scared, Harry."Harry wanted to tell him that he wasn't scared, he was just worried. That he just wanted it to be perfect. That he was more excited than anything else, eagerly anticipating the perfect boy's lips to be on his, waiting for soft lips to touch his for the first time.It seemed a bit of a blur, but at the same time it was perfectly simple. Louis' eyes started to close slowly, so Harry let his flutter shut. He could feel Louis moving closer, so he did too, just until he could practically feel the lips on his. They were so close, millimetres away; Harry's mind was shutting down from the thrill.And then they touched.They didn't move; they just stayed still. Louis' lips pressed against his; not too hard but not too light.Just right.Their lips were both pursed out, and as tempting as it was to move his lips in experimentation, Harry kept them still because he liked the simplicity.For the ten seconds that they were there, Harry couldn't describe his feelings. It was like everything was coated in louislouislouis and lipslipslips.With reluctance, Louis pulled away. Harry dragged his lips forward as the older boy was doing so, as to keep the touch for as long as he could, but soon enough he gave in and let them part. Once they had pulled apart, Louis rested his forehead on Harry's. He opened his eyes to see the bright greens shining back at him, dancing with joy.Whispering, Louis spoke, "So...Harry Styles, will you be my boyfriend?"Harry's heart was pounding in his chest so hard he could hear it in his ears. It was beating and beating faster than he thought it could. His hands were shaking as he put the pen to the paper.

Definitely