Wreck

Oh my god, i am SO sorry for the long wait! so so so so SO sorry, i've just had a ton of homework, plus writers block. ugh, i'm just so good at procrastinating, i swear.this IS NOT the last chapter, i'll tell you when it is, so it's not over... yet.thanks for all the support guys, it really does mean a heap load to me.i want you to leave 1 question for me to answer, something that you REALLY want to know about me? that'd be nice for my Q&A Video!, remember.. something you REAAAAAAALLY want to know.

thanks for being SOOOO patient, i really owe you guys one.

you mean the world to me, all of you. every single one of my amazing family do.sending love to all around the world,Isabelle! xx(DON'T FORGET YOUR QUESTIONS!!!)VOMMENT!  

______________________________________________I wanted a lot of things.

I wanted a hug, most of all.

No, not a One Direction hug, I want a mum hug.

The ones mum gave me in the mornings and after I get home from school.

The ones I looked forward to everyday.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair, it WASN’T FAIR.

After everything I have gone through… after everything, I get this thrown in my face.

And I still had to deal with Zayn, too.

Have you ever lost your mother?, or your father?, to be honest, I couldn’t give two shits about my father.. that stupid abusive bastard.

What did you do?, where did you go?

Harry called me an emotional wreck. Okay, maybe he didn’t say it to my face, OR to the boys, but I knew he was thinking it.

It’s been two weeks. And I’m gone in the head.

I haven’t left the house, I barely eat, or drink.

Everything in this house… was hers.

Everything in this house… she touched.

It hit me about, a day after I found out that I was completely alone.

I had nobody anymore, no family to take me in.

Do you ever wonder what happens after you die?, why can’t I get that idea out of my head?, what happens? Where do you go?. Something tells me mums not around at all, because I can’t feel her. Why is everything so confusing?, maybe I’m just crazy.

Why me

Why me

WHY ME?

Before I could think of anything else, my body begins to convulse into it’s familiar tears again. I’d had my sheets washed three times already because I just stain them with my damn salty tears.

Sometimes I think ‘I need to talk to my mum about this, she’d make it all better’ but then I realise, she’s dead.

“Jay?” Harry asks from behind my door. And I swipe at all the tears, pretending to be okay.

“come in” I sniff, and the door unlocks.

“how are you holding up?” he asks, and I bite my lip. Not wanting to respond. Because if I did, I’d just snap again.

Harry joins me on the bed, and touches my thigh.

“do you want some tea-“

“No.. no I don’t want anything”

“Are you sure?, you look awfully… sick”

“I’m sure”

“you don’t look so sure…”

“THE ONLY THING I WANT IS MY MUM”. I sternly yell into the sheets. Plonking my head onto Harry’s lap. And he strokes my hair.

“this is an improvement” he says “you’re letting me touch you” he says, and kisses my forehead.

“I.. I just want to die, Harry” I whisper, and I feel his whole body flinch in worry.

“..don’t say… that” he shakes.

“but it’s true, I don’t have anyone anymore, Harry.. theres no reason for me to be here”

“that’s not true, you have me and the boys-“

“but I don’t have my mum, I can’t live without my mum” I sob.

He tightens his grip around me, and I hold my breath.

“I can’t do this anymore” I whisper into his suit pants, fresh from the funeral.

“I don’t want to be here” I break into hysteric cries again, clutching Harrys pants like they were the only thing keeping me sane.

“i..want to die” I continue

“Jaycee-“

“I don’t care anymore Harry… I CAN’T care, I have NOTHING to care about.. ” I cry

“stop!” he says, and pulls me up. My hair tangling in his fingers.

“JUST. STOP” he shakes me, and I go limp.

“you may not think the world means anything to you, but it does to me, because YOU ARE my world”

“don’t think that saying things like that will make everything better.. because it wont!”

“neither will you staying in your room everyday, refusing to eat or drink, you can’t blame me for worrying about you Jaycee-“

“you don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

“NO, now that you’ve threatened your life, I am going to worry-“

“Whats she talking about?” Niall asks from the door, and the rest of the boys eventually join.

“she’s just…”

“wanting to die, I want to die”

Niall scooted from the door, leading all of the boys to join.

“can you all just… leave?”

I hear a chorus of “No’s”, “Nopes” and “No way’s”.

“you aren’t being serious are you, because if you are-“ Zayn starts, and I look away, out my window.

“please don’t be serious” Louis adds.

“who are you to judge me on my opinions anyway?” I ask, turning back to them all, standing in a line at the end of my bed.

“we’re not judging you, Jay, we are just worried-“

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME” I yell, ignoring the shocked looks on all of their faces, I really and honestly didn’t feel a thing.

“I just want to go for a walk” I say, stand up, and storm out. Hoping that none of them decided to stop me before I got to the front door.

Who are they to judge me anyway? I can do whatever the fuck I want, and I shouldn’t be told what to do.

I wasn’t heading anywhere in particular, and if I went to the Cliff Edge, I knew Harry would probably seek me out there. Plus, he knew that’s the place I go to think. So, it wasn’t an option.

Where do I go?...

I’ll go to my mothers grave, but I’m afraid of all my emotions rising up worse than they already are.

I walk out the front door only to see that it was raining.

Does it REALLY have to rain right now?

Of course it does!, I’m Jaycee Davidson, an emotional wreck.

There was nowhere to go. I was seriously, and honestly lost.

I didn’t want to go home, I know that for sure. I never wanted to go home. I just… I just didn’t know what to do.

I wonder if the boys were looking for me?, most likely sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home. To just walk right through the door with a happy-go-lucky expression spread across my face, maybe the walk ‘did good for her’ kind of thoughts flying around their little heads.

Well, since I was walking near a train track, maybe the walk wasn’t good for me.

Well, for them anyway.

Harry’s P.O.V-

“You’re not driving fast enough.. Lou” I tap my foot against the carpet in the car, pacing my mind back and fourth.

Where the hell was she?

“I’m going as fast as I can Harry, it’s raining, and there’s a speed limit”

“I don’t give a shit about the speed limit.. I give a shit about Jaycee’s safety, okay?”

“I get it Haz, we ALL are, but I’m not risking our lives-“

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I flick it out, reading the caller I.D

“Jaycee?!” i urgently yell into the phone “Where are you?!”

I hear breathing on the opposite end, and then a faint sniffle.

“Ha-Harry…” she starts, but then stops.

“What, Jay?..” I say, wary.

“I’m.. I’m uhm… I’m just calling to say goodbye”

my heart stopped flat in my chest.

“Where are you going?” I ask, quietly.

“it depends, really…” she says, quietly too. and suddenly there was nobody else in the world but us and the pitter-patter of the rain. And it scared me.

“it depends on what?, Jay?”

“it depends on what you believe in-“ she starts, but then stops herself.

“I just wanted to say goodbye, I’m going to make it quick, because the 9:00 train comes in about… six minutes”

“Where is the train taking you?” I whisper into the receiver.

“six is my lucky number” she states

“-I’m going to see someone” she states again, and I blink, oh thank god.

“Who?” I ask “And when do you want me to pick you up?”

she breathes out into the phone, and I clutch it just a bit tighter.

“I’m going to see mum.” She says, and I drop my phone.

“…I love you, Harry” I hear her faintly say, and then, just the receiver beeping tone echoed throughout the car.

Louis pulled over, and looked back to me. I was staring out into the rain. Counting the drops as they fell.

“Whats going on?” he asks.

And I blink back a few tears.

“We have to get to Southern Cross station, Louis. In less than five minutes…”

“Why?” he asks, wide-eyed.

I couldn’t comprehend what I had just heard… ‘going to see mum..’

“WHY, HARRY” Louis sternly says.

I snap out of my thoughts and look Louis straight in the eyes.

“Jaycee’s about to kill herself”.

I’ve never seen ANYONE put their foot on the accelerator faster then he did at that moment.

Jaycee’s P.O.V-

Did I give too much away?

Good.

It’s like… closing your eyes. (well, that’s what everyone says) but I’m not quite sure. Maybe over-dosing would be a better idea?

No.. Jay, you’re right here, right now… might as well get it over and done with.

No more pain, no more suffering. It’ll just be over and gone before I know it.

I didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. I didn’t really know what would happen to me. and honestly, I didn’t care.

Anything to get away from this hell-hole.

It isn’t SO bad though…

Why is it that as soon as I think that, an image of the boys pop straight into my head.

Maybe they are-  sorry, I’ll rephrase that- were, the best things that ever happened to me.

Dressing room... 6.

I feel a sudden burst of brilliance escape from my lungs as I hear a siren go off, signalling that the train should be coming in very very soon.

Why was I so excited about that?

The siren rang out, and I could see the train appear from the tunnels down from me, less than three minutes away.

I smile.

Maybe it WAS this easy. To just… float away.

To just… go.

It was as easy as jumping in front of a train. Like passing out, and MAYBE, waking up in a different place.

Which made me think, what if I DIDN’T wake up in a new place, and what if I just wake up in hospital, not dead, but on the inside.

The train was a little closer now, only mere seconds away.

I stepped in front of the yellow line, breaking the biggest rule of train-catching.. ‘never cross the yellow line, or you’re at risk of being hit’

Well, maybe It just so happened I wanted TO be hit.

I watched the metal thing fly forward, and I bent my knees, preparing to jump.

Maybe this is for the good.

Maybe… it’ll all just, be better.

I calculated the jump, and now I had only three seconds to die.

…1

…2

…thr-

an arm wrapped around my stomach mid jump, and I am pulled backwards onto the sidewalk, landing on top of someone elses frail body.

i quiver into a ball, and begin to shake.

“why!!..” I yell to Harry, who stands himself up, and pulls me off the ground.

I just go limp.

“I don’t want to see you die!!” he yells back.

“I want to die” I moan into the footpath, ignoring the strange looks I was getting.

“I just want to di-e” I whimper. Waves of sobs and anger passed through me, and I just wanted to hit something.

“Don’t EVER do that again, Jaycee, do you have ANY idea of how much something like this scares me?!, I DON’T want to loose you, ever. And if I was, NOT like this, okay?!. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you had died right here, in front of my eyes” he pulls me into an embrace on the ground.

“I know you’re going through a tough time Jay, I get that. me and the boys are trying to be as supportive as we can for you, please, please please don’t ever attempt suicide again, it isn’t the answer… we can get you through this” he says, kissing my forehead as I cry.

And I cried for a very, very long time.

All the way home in Niall’s lap.

All the way upstairs into Liams chest.

And all the way to my bed, where Harry laid with me, stroking and patting my hair as Louis made me rosemary tea.

I was an emotional wreck.

Even I could see that._______________________________________QUESTIONS GO.