Chapter 95

Katniss

"There is a house built out of stone.Wooden floors, walls and window sills, tables and chairs worn by all of the dust. This is a place where I don't feel alone. This is a place where I feel at home." -The Cinematic Orchestra

When Willow is at school, Peeta and I typically spend the day at the bakery. He bakes and decorates things and I sit and watch, not wanting to mess up his process. There have been times when he's tried to teach me, and I know the basics, but it's still not something I enjoy. I guess, though, if I needed to... I could bake a cake. Probably only if it was life or death.

Today, Peeta and I head to the bakery after we drop Willow off at school."What are you doing today?" I ask him."Filling out more orders. I could use your help." He says. I can hear a hint of hope in his voice."Help? Hm, it depends on what you need it with." I reply.He laughs quietly.

"You won't have to bake anything. I promise." He says."I have an appointment today." I remind him."I know. But it's only 8:30, it's not going to take you until 1:00 to help me fill orders." He says.I sigh in mock frustration."Peeta, you make me do everything." I joke.

He lets out a little breath, probably meant to be a laugh, and tosses me a clipboard."Lucky for us, our never-ending fame has lead to good business. So if there's nothing else we can get out of our past, at least people want to buy my cookies." He says.

He hands me his clipboard to hold and I find myself examining his handwriting. It's almost a work of art in itself. It's neat, but not too neat. I remember all of the boys in school having writing resembling chicken scratch or just being unreadable. Peeta's handwriting is just like him, in a way: handsome, steady, and neat.

Mine, on the other hand, looks different. I never loved my handwriting in school. It wasn't like any of the other girls' handwriting. But now, I sort of like it. You'd think my handwriting would be small and neat, probably because of how drawn-in I am around people, but it's larger than Peeta's. When I'm rushing, it turns into half-cursive, an art I learned from my father before he died.

I don't know if I don't mind my handwriting because it contradicts my personality or if I just like having a piece of my father that became a piece of me.

--

At 12:00, Peeta and I finally leave the bakery after hours of filling orders. I shouldn't complain about how well business is these days, but I can't help it.

We walk hand-in-hand to the hospital. I find myself thankful, as usual, that the district doesn't fuss over us like the Capitol would. A few people smile at us or wave, and I leave it to Peeta to respond back to them. I realize it could make people think I'm cold and unappreciative of what I have, but I don't think I care enough to change.

Peeta and I, while in the waiting room, sit quietly. Nobody throws us a second glance except for the people who clearly aren't native to Twelve."That man over there," I say, keeping my eyes focused directly on Peeta's face so as to not look at the man. "He won't stop staring at us." Peeta's hand finds a spot on my leg to rest on.

"I want him to stop." I complain sheepishly."I know you do." Peeta says simply. And then that's it. He doesn't say anything else. That's how I know that's the end of the conversation.

I find myself always reminding myself that Peeta's silence is just his nerves and how he's probably feeling the same anxiety that I am. Every time we come for an ultrasound for our baby, I can practically hear both of our thoughts synchronizing.What if the baby's not okay? What if last time was the last time we'd ever hear the baby's heartbeat? What if something happened?

It doesn't seem to end, even as I'm laying on the little bed and Doctor Lucia is putting that notoriously cold gel on my stomach.

"You ready?" She asks, the transducer in one hand and the other hand on the switch to turn in the machine.I nod my head, despite me not being ready. I've figured that sometimes you can't think about things too much. It's like, if you were in combat the way they had to be during the War, and then the next you have to drop down to the ground if there's some imminent danger. You can't think it over, precisely how you're going to fall to your knees so you don't get harsh, ugly bruises. You just drop. Because you need to, and because it'll happen either way.

She places the transducer on my stomach and Peeta holds my hand."Is there a heartbeat?" I ask immediately."Shh," she says. "I'm trying to listen."

The silence is consuming and abandoning all at once. After a few moments I ask the question again. She hushes me again.

"Do you not hear one?" I ask. I feel my heat speed up significantly. This happened with Willow, too."Shh!" Lucia whips around.I flinch a bit, and her face softens.She apologizes quickly for snapping at me and then continues to examine her screen.

"There's a heartbeat, so you can stop pestering me." She explains, not removing her eyes from the screen."Okay," I say. "But if there's a heartbeat, what exactly are you looking at?"

"I'm examining. Give me a moment." She says.I know I give her way more than a moment.

She sighs and turns to us, takes the transducer off of my stomach, and shuts of the machine.

"Your baby is nothing short of a miracle. In fact, mom and baby alike are miracles. You haven't had any more speech issues, the baby is developing normally, there's a strong heartbeat... It doesn't make any sense." She says.

She's right. It doesn't make any sense. With me, it's always something. I had expected there to be something that would go wrong, either with me or the baby.

"It makes no sense. The odds were minuscule that such good results would be occurring, but here we are!" She says. "But I do know that you two deserve these good results. Strength can get you through a lot, but it doesn't mean you two don't need a break every now and then."

Peeta and I stay quiet. Lucia purses her lips and motions for me to rise and follow her out the door.I get up, and Peeta follows. Lucia puts her hand out. "Just you, Katniss," she says. "Peeta, would you mind staying here?" "Oh, uh, of course." Peeta says awkwardly, sitting back down.

He gives me a questioning look as we walk out of the room. I shrug my shoulders as a response before following Lucia out into the hallway.

--

When the door shuts behind Lucia, I start to get nervous."What do you need to talk about?" I ask uncomfortably."I just need you to tell me the truth, when I ask you this next question." She replies.

I don't say anything. I'm scared of what she's going to ask me."I'm asking this as your doctor, Katniss. You understand that, right? I need you to be honest with me, if not for yourself then for Peeta and for your children." She says.

I don't do anything. I don't nod my head or agree to anything.I stare at her, hoping she can feel the sharpness in my gaze.

"Katniss, I need you to be honest with me and with yourself.  How is this pregnancy going?" She asks.

I don't want to tell her the truth. I don't want to spill how I feel. I don't want to tell her. I bite my tongue and keep my gaze sharp and cold.She reaches out to touch my hand and I jerk it away."I'm not letting you leave until you tell me an answer. No matter what I say, we both know you can lie to me. And I can't do anything about it. But I'm just hoping you won't do that to yourself. You can tell me."

I feel her staring back at me similarly, but lacking the ice of mine.

"Damn you..." I say quietly."I need that answer. Then you can go back to Peeta." I stand quietly, willing myself to lie to her. But something in her eyes won't let me.

"Here," she says. "Let's you and me go to my office where it's quieter." I throw a glance back at the door to the room where Peeta sits. Lucia must see, because she reassures me."Peeta's fine. He's not going to mind. If it makes you feel better, we can tell him we were just discussing matters regarding your femininity." She says.

She leads me to her office and invites me to sit down once she's shut the door.

"How is it going?" She asks again.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to tell her the truth. But the words come tumbling out of my mouth, falling out of my lips.

"It's not a big deal. I mean, it's easier in some ways. It's not like how my pregnancy with Willow started out. I want this baby so badly. I think about it inside me and it makes me hopeful. And this time I know what to expect but..." I trail off.

"But what?" She asks.

"It just seems like every day is getting harder and I don't know why. Ever since they...they..." I say."Ever since they aired that TV spot." She finishes for me.I nod my head, ashamed.

"I know I should let it get to me. I know it all happened and it's just a part of me I'm not proud of but have to live with. I know there's nothing I can do to change what happened to me, but I just... I don't want it to happen again." I say.

"The Gold Hinge, right? That's what you're worried about." She says."I don't want to go through it again. I don't want Peeta or my children to ever have to think of it happening to me or to one of them, once the new baby's born." I tell her.

"How are you feeling?" She asks. What a stupid question to ask me.

More words come tumbling out, and seeing that she works with expectant mothers and women's health, I know how troubling my words must be to her especially.

"Every day, I just feel like I want a drink. I want to down entire bottles of liquor and lose myself to the stuff. I want that feeling of numbness. I want to forget." I spill.

I watch a look of slight horror come across her face as I say it."You haven't, have you?" She asks.I shake my head. I haven't."You haven't," She exhales. "Good."

"So you're telling me, apart from the scary start to your last pregnancy, this one is tougher on you mentally?" She asks, writing something down.

"I just feel like I'm being strung out every day. I don't want Peeta to know. I don't want anyone to know about it. Peeta's already got enough to worry about with me and the baby and Willow and the bakery. I don't want to add more to his load."

"I'm going to prescribe you something, Katniss, okay?" She asks."No. I don't want anymore medication from you people. I'm already taking stuff for my nightmares and flashbacks. I'm already taking stuff for my infection. I don't need to add another pill bottle to my collection." I reply.

"You only need to take it once every day. That's it. I'm going to prescribe you a mild antidepressant. It might help you out. I'll put it in the bag with your other medicine. Peeta won't have to know." she says."Peeta will notice. He checks my pills to make sure I don't do anything. He's going to notice." I tell her.

"Katniss, you need this medicine. When Peeta notices, you just tell him it's something you need. He loves you, anyone with eyes can see it. He'll understand." Lucia says."I don't need it." I counter.

"You do need it. What you told me just now scares me, Katniss. It's just the beginning, but you could be heading down a slippery slope." She says."A slipperier one than addiction?" I ask sourly."Maybe." She replies.

"Katniss, to be truly honest, I don't know why the doctors here didn't start you on antidepressants the moment you stepped foot off of that train ten years ago to come back. I really don't. It always fascinated me as to why they never thought of it." She explains.

She pulls out a familiar looking orange pill bottle with all of my prescription information already printed on the outside. She was expecting this all along. She had it planned out.

"This is it. They're small pills, but they'll make a world of difference for you." She says holding the bottle out to me before placing it in the bag with the other pills I was to receive today.She hands me the paper bag.

"Now, I'm sure you have a worried husband to attend to. You don't need to tell him anything. He'll understand later." She says.

She opens the door and sends me out in front of her. I do my best to look normal."Okay!" She says. "I'll see you both back here in two weeks! You have a nice day."

--

Peeta and I walk out of the hospital in silence. I clutch the white paper bag with the hospital logo printed on it closer to me as we walk.

"Everything alright?" He asks me.

"Yeah," I say. "Everything's just fine."

***Sorry this chapter took forever. It's also really boring?? Sorry! I got totally distracted and busy and couldn't think of anything interesting to write. It's going to start to pick up soon. Enjoy!!

-Aly***