Chapter 89

Katniss

"My skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream. I hate this car that I'm driving. There's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real." -twenty one pilots

I feel my heart begging Peeta to turn around. Turn around, Peeta. Don't go in there. Don't go in there. You'll just be disappointed. Don't do it. But even if he were to hear my plea, he would be suspicious. He would go in anyway. I want to disappear. I want to sink into the cushion of the bed and never return.

I hear something crunch under Peeta's weight. A pill. He turns to look back at me, clearly confused by the sound. His hands fumble on the wall to find a light switch so he can examine what the cause of the noise was.

Finally he finds it, and when the light flicks on, I find the light shatters all my will and composure.

Immediately, I begin to cry. I try to hold it in at first, but heavy sobs escape my lungs before I can stop them. There's no doubt Peeta sees the pills on the ground. I watch him from the bed, staring at the back of his body. I watch the back of his head and try to find where his gaze is at.

Not much to my surprise, it's on a pill. The one that rolled right next to the toilet. He turns his head slightly to the left and catches sight of the dusty remnants of the pill he crushed with his foot.

He puts his fingertips on his forehead and turns around to look at me briefly. He looks at me, then looks to the pills. Then back at me. I continue crying, but through the tears I'm trying to conceal, I see the realization begin to creep across his face. He's putting the pieces together.

"Katniss..." He says. But that's it. That's all he says. He kneels down on the bathroom floor and begins to crush all of the pills except for three. Three. All that's left in the orange pill bottle that he took from my hands after he disposed of the pill dust. I know why he did. I know he did it to keep me from trying again later. Because I can't overdose on three pills. But I have them in case I need them.

He pries the now capped bottle of pills from my hand and carries them gingerly back a few yards to the bathroom's medicine cabinet. I tried so hard to keep an iron grip on the bottle in hopes he'd let me keep it. But he's stronger than I am. His one arm could out-lift both of mine.

Then, once he knows the pills aren't a problem, he returns his attention to me. I haven't really stopped crying, but I've gotten the sobs under control."Katniss..." Is all he says as he holds me, whispering into my hair. "I know. I'm so sorry." I say, a bit loud compared to Peeta's heartbroken whisper, the tears beginning to flow more heavily.

"You were doing so well. You were... You were recovering..." He says."I know. I'm so sorry." I repeat. It's the only thing I feel like I can say.I feel one of his tears drip into my hair.He stays quiet. I wish I knew what was going on in his head. But then again, he wishes the same for me.

"Why?" Is all he gets out."I don't... I don't know. You left and I just. I just felt so alone." I cry."I was a house away." Peeta says."You were so mad at me. I didn't think you'd care what happened to me..." I say.

"You didn't think I'd care?" He asks."I thought you hated me." I say."I was mad. But when we got married we promised, Katniss. We made a promise that we would love each other, even when we hate each other." He says."I...""Just because I get angry doesn't mean I stop loving you. I could never just stop loving you."

"But I'm not recovering anymore. I'm just... Damaged goods." I say."I don't care. You're not damaged goods, and even if you were, I'd still love you. I always love you." He says."I'm sorry..." I say. I think about everything all over again and I start crying harder again."It's okay," he says, holding me close. "You're okay. It's all okay. You can just let it out."

He picks me up and carries me to my side of the bed and lays me down. He covers me with a blanket before taking his signature position next to me, protecting me and holding me in his arms

--

At breakfast the next morning, I choose not to eat. Peeta gives me a look of concern and I give him one back, insisting that I'm really just not hungry.

"Why aren't you eating, mommy?" Willow asks from across the table."I'm not very hungry." I reply.She holds out her spoon of Oatmeal to me."Here, mommy, you can have some of mine!" She says, smiling."That's so nice of you, but really, Will, I'm not hungry." I reply.

She puts her spoon in her mouth, eating the bite, and nods."What's our next step?" Peeta asks, trying to be cryptic enough that Willow won't understand."Not now, Peeta..." I say, trying to discreetly gesture towards Willow.

"What are you talking about?" Willow asks, excited curiosity taking over her mind.I take a deep breath and don't answer her question. I can tell it frustrates her. I feel a little guilty so I look to Peeta. He knows exactly what my look means.  Willow's getting impatient.

"What, daddy?" She asks. I watch Peeta try to figure out what to say."It's nothing, Willow. Mommy just had a little accident last night." He says.Willow raises her little eyebrows."You had an accident?" She asks in disbelief.Peeta laughs, "No, not that kind of accident."

"Oh. Then what kind of accident did mommy have?" She asks."It's nothing, Willow. Mommy's okay now. You don't have to worry." I tell her.

She gives a pouty sigh and continues eating. I know someday we'll have to tell her more. But today isn't that day. And that day won't come for a while.

There's a knock at the door, and when I go to open it, Finn stands there with a ball. "Willow, you wanna play?" He asks. Willow nods and hops up of out of her chair and runs to meet him. Annie waves to me from outside and I return the gesture.

I shut the door and turn back to Peeta."What are we going to do now?" He asks."About what?" "About everything. About the baby, about what happened last night..." He replies."I already scheduled an appointment for the first part. And for the second part... We do nothing?" I say."What do you mean 'we do nothing'?We can't just do nothing." He replies.

"I can't go back there, Peeta. I can't go back there and face those doctors. They'll all be angry and disappointed." I say. "Katniss--""Peeta, I'm tired of arguing with you." I say, referencing the past 24 hours.He sighs in defeat."Fine, but if anything happens again, we're not playing games with it."

"Peeta, I've played a lot of Games in my life. I don't want to play any more, trust me." I reply."Good." He says, then gets up to give me a kiss.

"Now... When's that appointment?" He asks."Um... It's today." I say."Today?"I smile a little bit. Once we know everything's all okay, we'll get to tell Willow."How do we tell Willow?" He asks."I have no idea," I reply.

--

Later that day, we tell Haymitch to keep an eye on Willow while Peeta and I go to my appointment. As we walk, we make small conversation. Neither of us really know what to expect, even though it's our second time around.

"How far are you along, again?" He asks."Only 7 weeks. But I still need to at least tell them that I'm pregnant." I reply. "Are you getting an ultrasound?" He asks."If they want to be sure of a due date, I think so. If you don't want one now, I don't have to get one." I reply.

"No... No. I want you to get one if they will. You can hear the heart at 7 weeks, right?" He sounds like a worried little child. I don't blame him, though."Unless... There is none." I say. At the words, my blood seems to freeze. My eyes widen and lock onto Peeta's.

"Peeta... What if there is none?" I ask frantically."Katniss, shh. You're okay," Peeta says, squeezing my hand. "It'll have a heartbeat. You haven't felt anything weird, right? No cramping? No blood?" I shake my head no."Then you'll be okay. And if for some reason there isn't a heartbeat, we'll get through it. We can get through anything."

At the hospital, a receptionist tells us to wait in the waiting room."I remember the last time we were here..." I say, my mind wandering off. Three years ago. Peeta had a flashback of his own, one so bad that he ended up forgetting who I was. He went unconscious almost immediately after and we had to take him here. I remember being almost too scared to function normally. Willow sat in my lap, only two years old at the time, while I cried and thought about Peeta never waking up.

"Please, let's not talk about that." He says."I don't want to either." I reply. Because I don't. The one thing scarier than myself being in trouble or being in pain is Peeta being in pain. Or Willow being in pain. It's too hard for me to go through. That's why I'm glad it was me taken by the Capitol. If Peeta had been taken... I think I would be dead by now. No children, no happy life, probably married to Gale living somewhere in Two.

I think about what they would have done to Peeta in the Capitol if he was taken rather than me. They probably would have tortured him the way they did me. But would it be against himself? Or even worse... Against me? What if they did that? What if when he was rescued, he tried to kill me the way I tried to kill myself? Surely, in the Capitol they'd know that I'm not strong enough to cope with Peeta hating me. Or Peeta being dead. I would have killed myself and there would have been nobody to stop me. And then, there they'd have it. The Mockingjay would be gone. The girl on fire would be extinguished.

I push the thoughts out of my head when I start to feel sick to my stomach."Katniss Mellark?" A nurse in pink scrubs calls out.Peeta and I stand up and follow her through a door. She leads us to an exam room and takes some information from us.

"My name is Aleeah," She introduces herself. "Of course, you two go without saying. It's a pleasure to finally meet you." Peeta smiles at her before remembering about how famous we actually are. If it gets out that we came here for the reason we did, it'll be everywhere.

"I need to ask you for a favor," Peeta says seriously."Of course. What is it?" She replies. She smiles and I notice how the light pink scrubs make her skin look darker than it actually is. Her hair is curly, the same way Rue's was. I have to admit, she's beautiful.

"Aleeah, right?" Peeta asks.She nods her head."Okay, well, Aleeah, we're here because we have some exciting news. If you know what I mean. And we can't let it get out yet. So I need you to promise me that you won't tell anybody about why we were here today. So, if you really need to, you can go home and tell your friends or family that you helped us today... Just don't tell them why. Or if they ask, lie. Say one of us got cut or something." He explains, slowly so she follows what he's saying.

"Of course. I totally get it. And I'm not really going to go tell people about treating you today. It's not really a big deal." She says.She pauses for a moment. Aleeah and I make eye contact and I see the mortified look in her eyes."Oh my God. I'm so sorry. That was so stupid of me to say. It is a big deal, I mean, you saved us all. I'm so sorry. That was rude." She says.

I can't help but pity her."You're fine, don't worry," I say. She looks happy to get a reassuring word out of me. I can imagine that I look like the judgemental and cold one here."No, no. I'm sorry. It was rude. I shouldn't have said it." She continues."No, Aleeah. You're fine. I wish more people would say it. Thank you for that." I say."Thank you?" She asks."Yes. Thank you. You know how famous we are, so it's nice to just me treated like normal people. That's why we like 12 so much. People here treat us normally." I say.

She looks even more relieved."I'm from 11, originally. But my parents and brother managed to escape to 13 just before the end of the Quell." Peeta raises his eyebrows."13, huh? You were there around the time we were. Did you enjoy it?" He asks jokingly."Certainly better than 11. Plus, I got to start training to be a medic. That's how I got here." She explains.

I begin to wonder if she worked with Prim, she looks younger than I am. Probably 22 or 23, which is around how old my sister would be. Of course, she's not alive, so she isn't an age. She's just... Dead."Did you ever work with my sister? Prim?" I ask weakly.

"Prim..." She says, like she's trying to uncover a dusty memory."Oh! Yeah! I think I did. I remember her, she always had her hair in a braid. I remember her being so much better than I was. Sometimes we would talk. Not much, though. I always thought she'd make a great doctor. Especially with the kids. I'm really sorry." Aleeah says.

I purse my lips. "Thank you," I say. Even after all these years, I haven't gotten used to people saying that they're sorry. I don't understand why they say that. It's not like it was any of their fault in the first place.

There's a light knock at the door. It opens and Doctor Lucia's smile practically lights up the whole room."Hello!" She says cheerily."They're all yours, Doctor Lucia," Aleeah says. She points her attention to us. "It was a pleasure to meet you two."

Once she's gone, Doctor Lucia waits for us to speak. When neither of us know how to begin, she asks a question."What's brought you in today, you two?" She asks.I don't really know what else to do.

"I'm pregnant." I pipe up, confessing it to her straightforward. I don't feel like sugar coating it or giving some long speech about it. So I just say it the way it is. I'm pregnant.