Ch.17

And that was it. The rest of the journal was filled with a few beaten up pages. Each one empty and completely lifeless. I never did get to finish writing, it was all cut short before I had the chance to place the tip of my pen back on to the blank line.

After months of months of writing, the dreadful activity that only worsened the feelings that encompassed my body twenty four hours a day, the pastime that merely rubbed salt into my huge wound, it was over. I was off the hook. After waiting all this time, it was over.

And yet I still wanted nothing more than to go back to that aching time, living in isolation, waiting for the one thing I cared about to come home.

I shut the book, forcing the worn pages to hug tightly together. Taking a deep breath, and then another, I fumbled for my seatbelt, hoping to relieve some of the pressure in my chest. The belt was unlatched, but the pressure only got worse. I slowly opened up the car door, gathering my various belongings and exiting the cramped vehicle. Rain was still beating down on the earth, soaking up everything it touched. The soles of my high heels scraped against the asphalt of the parking lot, but I didn’t care. My hands pulled at the white fabric that my body was swimming in, attempting to make it lay as elegantly as it once did a few months ago. I took a few more deep breaths. My arms tightened around the objects in my hand, making sure nothing fell from my grasp. My feet took a few pathetic steps, until I finally had the courage to walk like a normal human being. The ring on my left hand suddenly became extremely heavy, and it took all my strength not to let my hand fall to the ground and drag along the pavement. I made one more attempt to get myself together, as if I could somehow seal all the emotions that were threatening to pour out of me.

This was it. The moment I had been waiting for since the moment he had left. I would finally get to see him again. 

I dragged myself along the narrow path, mud stains quickly collecting on the previously pure white hem of my dress. All of a sudden, my feet felt like they were made of lead blocks, a thin layer of sweat forming on my forehead from walking just a few meters. I looked down at the dirt path, squinting just enough so it looked like an aisle, covered in delicate rose petals. My body trudged on, slowly but surely, until I had arrived.

My eyes found him quickly, and I managed to give him small smile despite all the emotion I was being drowned in.

“Hi Harry,” I whispered, anxious and unnerved.

I reached out my arm, closing the two foot gap between us. My eyes shut momentarily as I took it all in.

The cold stone of the grave was rough against my fingers, and just as it once was with Harry, when I touched it, a bolt of electricity flowed through my veins. Although with Harry, it was an amazing feeling, making me feel alive and excited. This was like a taser, burning my body, sucking out the last bit of energy and life I had left. It left me weak and out of breath, causing me to fall on my knees.

I glanced down at the wedding dress that covered my body. It was now drenched, covered in dirt. I felt foolish and stupid, completely ashamed of myself. 

Still crouching on my knees beside Harry’s grave, I set down the objects in my hands, staring down at the diary.

“I’m sorry I never got to finish the journal,” I told Harry, “I was in the middle of writing you when there was a knock at the door. It was two men from your unit…” I ignored the tears pouring down my face, blocking my vision. “…They made your death notification.”

A few moments of silence ticked by, my tears mingling with the drops of rain that were already running down my face, the sadness never ending. I tried to tell Harry how sorry I was that I had waited a few days after his funeral to come visit him again, but words refused to leave my mouth.

Breathing became increasingly strenuous, and I was doing everything I could to resist my urge to stop breathing all together. The pain I had lived through these past few months was nothing compared to what I was feeling now. Then, at least, Harry was alive, somewhere, some place in the world. Now, the earth might as well be empty, containing no trace of the human race. Nothing mattered if the one person I cared about more than anything wasn’t here with me.

My eyes burned into the slab of stone, rereading the name dozens of times over and over, praying that it was a mistake, that it wasn’t my Harry who was under there. It was so bewildering to me, the boy I had grown up with, the beautiful specimen that was so alive and adventurous and creative and caring and smart and lovable- now he was just a figment of my imagination. It couldn’t be possible that he was gone, I simply wouldn’t believe it. Someone as strong as him could not die as young as he was.

I kept telling myself that it was all a joke, Harry was going to jump out of his hiding spot soon, laughing at the distressed look on my face, and tell me it was only a prank. Perhaps there were cameras hidden about, maybe I was on one of those shows where they prank someone and get it all on video. I began looking everywhere around me, trying to find the hidden cameras and crew, certainly they were here somewhere. I got on my feet to check behind a few of the trees and some of the bigger graves.

“You can come out now!” I yelled, tears still running down my face.

“You fooled me, Harry! Just please, come out of your hiding spot,” I slid back down on my knees, realizing it was no use. 

I couldn’t believe how much of a lunatic I was acting, I was completely hysterical. And yet, I still held onto the tiny shred of hope that Harry was still alive, and everything was going to be okay.

My face turned back to the grave, and I sat against it, curled up in a little ball, weeping my eyes out. The tears never ended, in fact they became bigger rivers, never seeming to come to an end. I wrapped my arms around my stomach, but the unbearable pain in the pit found no relief. I felt so broken, like half of me was gone. I wasn’t functioning correctly, and I didn’t think I ever would again.

Minutes passed by, and I finally managed to halt my tears just a bit. 

I looked at Harry’s grave, straining against the pit in my throat.

“I have been thinking lately,” I paused, trying to contain my whimpers and tears, “I have been thinking about what would my life be like if fate never brought us together. What if we never met, and fell in love? I wonder if I would have been happier.”

I didn’t say anything for a few minutes, I took my time to formulate my sentences.

“But then I remember that despite all of this, you have made me the happiest girl in the entire world. I know that from now on it’s going to be a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, but all the years we did spend together means so much to me, you have no idea how much I cherish it. I am so glad that it was me that you chose, how did I get that lucky?”

I waited for a response, but all I got was silence. 

I rested my forehead against the cold, lifeless stone, trying to find the comfort that I was used to. My knotted, wet hair fell in my eyes, but I didn’t bother fixing it. It did’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Minutes of sitting against the gravestone ticked by, nothing but the sound of the pouring rain to tune out the horrible silence. My sadness was replaced with anger. My fists clenched the wet grass in agony, begging mother nature to take all the emotion from my body. My face burned as I studied Harry’s grave yet again. I was angry that he left me to go to war. I was angry that he had given up. I was angry that he was so brave. I was angry that he was not here with me. I was so incredibly angry that I would never have the chance to yell at him or touch him or hug him or kiss him or talk to him or run my fingers through his hair or even just look into his perfect green eyes. 

Rain drops were still falling heavily as I began sobbing against the terrible piece of rock.

“I hate you, Harry,” I whimpered, knowing it was not true at all. 

I wanted to hate him so badly, so all this pain would just go away. I hated myself even more for what I had just said. 

I laid there for a while longer, my body almost as lifeless as everything else in the cemetery. Nothing made any movement, the only noise was the sorrowful song that the rain continually played around me. Finally, I picked myself up and gathered the second object I brought.

In my hand, I held a simple golden ring, a ring I had bought only a few weeks ago for Harry. His wedding band. My fingers fumbled with the small item for a bit, as I imagined what it would have been like to see it on Harry’s large hand. My left hand dug a small hole next to the grave as my other hand held onto the ring for dear life. Once I was satisfied with the miniature ditch, I carefully placed the ring inside, and patted the soil back on top of it.

With great effort, I managed to stand back up on my feet, with a little assistance from the headstone to steady me. A sad smile made it’s way to my lips as I realized that Harry still helped me with everything, even while he was gone.

I took a few steps back, studying the grave one last time. My eyes landed on my journal, which was propped up against the stone, flipped open to a random page by the wind. It happened to be the page of which I had written my vows on, and one line seemed to stand out much much more than others.

"I promise you’ll be mine and I’ll be yours until death, and forever and ever after that.”

I whispered the words out loud to Harry, while idly twirling the diamond ring on my left hand.

My eyes shut for a few moments as I stood there, drowning in such a sorrow it made my ribs feel like they were going to break. 

“I love you, Harry, and I always will. I hope you’ll be watching over me.”

After the words left my lips, I slowly opened my eyes, noticing that the rain had quickly died down. 

Even with all this pain, I still got butterflies in my stomach when I looked up and saw the bright rainbow that had replaced the rain, as if on command.

It was Harry.

I felt a twinge of happiness in the first time in ages, knowing that Harry would still always be right by my side. 

The End.

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Yes, as many of you predicted, Harry died. I am so sorry, I just had to. I have been waiting to write this chapter for months. I hope you aren't too upset with me :)

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