17. Life Like This

*Olivia's POV*

"Mom, it's fine. Seriously. I'm okay."

Whether it is or isn't fine. Or whether she is or isn't okay, I take her word for it. I don't need anymore guilt.

She pulls herself closer to me and hugs me tighter than she has in a while. And it's not her fear talking this time.

"Anything else you wanna know?" I ask, knowing if there is anything, I might as well get over it now.

"How do you do it?" Ellie asks, still hanging onto me.

"Do what?"

"Work! You...how were you able to do it after..."

"It, surprisingly enough, made work easier after awhile. I did go to therapy and had emotional support from the squad. I had come near it quite a few times and I think that scared me more than it actually happening."

"How?" she asks.

"When I was almost assaulted, I knew so much more could happen. I could be left with HIV or something, pregnant, or dead. Or all three. Or tortured. But after, I knew what had happened. I survived it. It made me a little bit stronger. Braver."

"But you still got pregnant," she points out.

I move my head and she does too. I look at her. "Is that really a bad thing, though?" I ask her.

Hoping she still has some old Ellie in her, I expect her to say something sarcastic. She doesn't. "Compared to HIV or death, no."

"I got you, though, El. I got you. I kept you. You were everything I wasn't. You gave me what I needed. Unconditional love. A laugh. Many of those. Jokes. Happiness."

She saved me.

I hug her close again, and look over at the clock. "It's getting late. You should hop a shower."

She nods and gets up, heading towards the bathroom.

That's when there's a knock at my door.

*Elliot's POV*

I spend the entire day figuring out what to do. I can't leave her. Never again. I know I love her too much. This time, leaving her would break her. And me too.

I drove to the coffee shops we would stop at. The restaurants, the bars.

But all I want to do is go back to her apartment. I want her in my arms. I want her to laugh her laugh that never fails to make me smile. I want her to kiss me again. I want her hands with her thin fingers holding my arms.

She's so perfect. And so close to being mine.

I hope she forgives me. I didn't mean to hurt her the way I did. I know I did though. She said it was fine but I don't believe her. She cried for almost a half hour in total.

By the time 8:30 comes around, I know I have to go back and see her. I knock on her door, immediately regretting it. I know she's busy.

But, after maybe 10 seconds, she's in front of me, peeking out from the door like she does. She opens the door wide when she sees it's me.

"I was wondering where you went all day," she says quietly.

"I was...around," I say. But actually, I was nowhere except everywhere she's ever been with me.

She nods and lets me inside.

She awkwardly walks over to the kitchen. "Thirsty?" she asks.

"I'm good," I reply. She shrugs and comes back with a bottle of water for herself.

I sit next to her when she pulls her blanket up and sits beneath it. Looking around, I see an old VHS tape - yes, a VHS tape - and get curious.

"What's that?" I ask her. As I look over to her, I see her face lose color.

"I, uh...Ellie found out today." Her eyes divert to the floor. It takes me a second to remember. Immediately, I reach out and push her hair behind her shoulder. "She said it's fine. That she's okay. I seriously doubt it, El. She pretty much lost her best friend. And now she even doesn't have..."

"She's always been the same, Liv. She never knew her dad before, either."

"But I told her it was some boyfriend things got out of hand with. She always thought I knew this guy. That I didn't want anything to do with him! But I don't even know-"

"I'm sure she understands, Liv. If anything, she'll just take some adjusting time. But not much. Because she's your daughter. Things don't affect you as much as it could." I have to change her focus. "Where is she, anyways?"

"Bathroom. Getting ready for bed."

I nod. "It'll be alright, Liv. She's going to be okay. She's gonna do great things."

She nods, but I know it's because it's the only thing she can do.

"Liv, come here," pops out of my mouth.

She doesn't hesitate on the offer. Her feet kick the blanket covering her off as she scoots herself towards me. I grab it before it falls so I can cover her up again.

I can tell Olivia is watching the door, either fearing or just waiting for Ellie to come out. To switch her attention to something else, I turn on the TV. It doesn't really help.

"Olivia, she's fine," I try again.

I hear the sound of running water stop. Soon after, I hear a hairdryer.

"I know! It doesn't mean I'm not scared."

"Well you can let that go for now, okay?"

"I still can't," she says.

How do I make her relax? What used to calm her down? What I'm doing now is what used to help: hold her until she calms down herself. But she never had a kid before that.

I don't know what else to do, so I bring my hand up and run my finger along her chin so she looks at me. The big brown eyes I've seen for 12 years are looking back at me. I've seen them sad, angry, happy, guilty, and any other emotion that she's been while she was my partner.

Instinctively, I brush her hair with my fingers. She's so close to me, but I feel her mind is too far away. She won't love me the way I want her to. She has Ellie to worry about and her worries are clouding her thoughts. She'll think she's in love when she really just missed me.

So I don't kiss her. I just say, "it's all okay," and bring her head to my chest.

*Ellie's POV*

When I finish showering, I turn the water off and hear talking. I know Mom's voice. But then there's a man's. I think I know who it is but to keep from raising suspicion - and so I don't have to go out there quicker - I turn on my hairdryer.

I don't have enough energy to fully dry my hair, so I do what I can and hope Mom doesn't notice.

I brush my teeth slowly.I brush my hair over and over.I shake my hair to air dry a little.

Then I just look at myself.

I always thought my mom just made a foolish mistake. And that's why I'm here. But she didn't choose it.

I'm not sure how to feel. Dirty? I mean, I'm a rape baby. My mom didn't want to get pregnant. But she did. And she kept me. She wanted me after the fact. So do I feel loved?

I don't know.

When I finally decide I've wasted enough time in the bathroom, I quietly open the door. Quickly, I shuffle to my room, avoiding all contact with anyone who happens to be here.

I lie on the floor and flip my camera on again. Elliot's voice is the voice I heard, just like I thought.

Getting into bed, I think about my mom finding someone to love. She's had boyfriends before, but I knew I was too important for her to go out with one every time she wasn't at work.

Elliot was an SVU cop though. I think he would get my mom's schedule and priorities.

And didn't Mom say he has like...a lot of kids?

It would be different, not being my mom's world. But if she were to love anyone, I hope it would be Elliot.

And I hope she doesn't worry about me if she does. School drama sucks, but it's petty bullshit I can deal with myself.

When I wake up the next day, I'm walking into the kitchen and Mom's already up.

"Case?" I ask her, pretending I know nothing about last night.

"Yeah. I have to get down to Mercy," she replies. "If you hurry, I can drive you to school."

"Nah, it's fine. Don't be late," I tell her. "Being at school longer than I have to is...gross anyways."

She chuckles and comes closer for a hug, which I return. She kisses me head.

"Love you," she says.

"Love you. Bye," I tell her as she walks out the door. I close it and lock it for her.

I get a bowl and reach for the good cereal on top of the fridge that mom likes to push back just far enough so I can't reach it.

I jump and still can't reach, so I put the bowl back and decide to starve.

When I turn around, I see Elliot standing there.

"Can't reach?" he asks.

It takes me a second to register he must have slept in the same bed as Mom, since he wasn't on the couch. And it takes me another second to decide whether or not anything besides sleeping happened. I hope for no.

"My mom loves the fact she's still taller than me. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth," I tell him.

"No, eat. I'll get it."

"Thanks," I say as he hands me the cereal box.

I sit at the island munching on my breakfast as Elliot pours himself coffee.

Yeah, I think my life like this would be okay.