15. Truth Be Told

I can't believe it. What...this...this can't be.

Actually, it very well could. He supposedly picked up your daughter and saved her from gang rape.

"Elliot," I whisper.

I step back so he can step into the apartment. He closes the door.

"Liv," he replies, putting his hands on either side of my face. He's done this before. Many times. Usually when a case got to be a little more than one of us can handle.

But there's something different about it this time.

It's been years. You shouldn't be used to it.

"What are you doing here...?" I can barely get my voice above this half-whisper thing. I feel a threat of tears.

He left me. I was so scared. Ellie was 6. She was just a baby. I wasn't sure how I could get along without him. But he left me. With no word of warning. Just Cragen telling me Fin was my partner until a replacement came.

I called him. So many times.

After that, I knew I wouldn't be the same. I had to be a mother. I had to change partners. It hardened me.

I feel a tear dribble down my cheek. He left me.

"Liv," he repeats. I see a face full of concern. His voice is quiet but firm.

*Ellie's POV*

I stay in my room with the door locked until everyone leaves. I hear my mom open the door a couple hours later, and I am curious.

I open my door when I hear my mom's voice.

Elliot's here. Why is he here?

By the way he's looking at her, I get it. I can't see her face, though.

When she turns around, I close my door all the way.

Instead of just listening through the door, I lie on my stomach and my phone rests against the door so the camera can see under it.

I open the camera app and just watch. It's kinda hard to hear but whatever, I still can.

They're in the kitchen, both leaning onto the island.

"So how've you been?" Elliot asks.

"Fine. I guess. Kinda hard right now, I'll admit," she says.

"Why?"

"Ellie. I think."

"You think?"

Mom nods. I'm not really surprised I'm being a problem. "She went out to that party and her best friend went missing. And she kept having nightmares. I don't know if she still does, but her first one. I was so scared. For me and her. Her scream. It was like..."

She stops talking, shaking her head. Elliot puts a hand on her shoulder. "One time, like, a million years ago, Kathleen. Or Maureen. One of them was at a beach party and her...I guess, her boyfriend. He was there. And later when we found him burned alive. She was with me. She saw it. She had nightmares. It's not easy on kids," Elliot explains.

"I know but...just something about the way she cried and clung onto me. She slept in my bed for maybe a week after. I don't see her ever anymore. And now she has a boyfriend or something who she thinks the whole squad hates and she's distancing herself from me and-"

"-...aaand she's a teenager, Liv. She's gonna go through a lot of stuff you just can't possibly understand. But you do. They just don't think you do."

"But what is she going through? Besides Ashley."

"Who knows. School drama. Girls give a dirty look, her teacher gives her a bad grade. Kathleen hated me because I was never there. She could be going through the same separation feelings."

My mom puts her head down again. "It's just so much. I have to be a good mom and a good cop and nobody else is there for Ellie. Her best friend is moving away. She feels constantly alone!"

"The entire squad is a set of parents for her."

"But...she's just a girl, El. She had a gun to her hip! She's seen what an attempted rape looks like. She's seen what a kidnapped, raped girl looks like. She calls that girl her best friend, El. They're only 14 and 15. It's my job to protect her from bad things. If you weren't there, she would have gotten raped. Kidnapped. Kill-"

"That's a what-if, Liv. You can't think like that."

For the first time, in a long time, I see my mother cry. Really cry. Last time (which was also the first time) I say her cry, I was about 6. She came to get me from school and had tears all over her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. I heard her crying that night so I crawled in bed with her.

"Shh..." Elliot comforts her. I want so badly to run out there and hug her. But I can't. Elliot gets to it first.

She cries hard, uncontrollably into Elliot's jacket. I feel tears on my face too, though in not sure what they're for. Is it the guilt of a burden I put on her, or is it just because she's crying?

After five minutes, I can't watch her tears. I turn off my camera and crawl into bed, though I don't sleep. The sound of Mom's crying is too much for me. But I can't cry here.

I get up and crack the door open, seeing my mom not watching me. This is my chance.

*Elliot's POV*

What the hell did I do to her? Why did I leave her like that?

She holds herself together for much longer than I thought possible. Olivia is delicate. But she has a thick outer shell. Nothing gets to her until everything gets to her.

I watch one tear fall from her cheek to the island's countertop.

I know how she cries and why she cries. I've seen it only very few times, but that was enough for me to learn how she operates.

I pull her into my arms. She cries. Hard. She forces herself to talk through it. I can barely hear her words, but I know she's talking. She tells me how much she missed me. She tells me about the times she went into interrogation rooms to cry. How the next case that came up she nearly took herself off of. She talks and talks and talks, releasing every emotion she's ever held.

It goes on for longer than any time she's ever let herself open up, all those times combined. But I don't mind. Ever since that moment I knew I had to leave, all I did was think of my ex-partner. Who her new partner was, how she was doing, if I would see her any time later in life.

She's calming down, but she stays at my chest. I put my chin on her head and close my eyes.

I think I hear a door or something, but I don't open my eyes until I hear it again.

I look to my left, and see Eliana, in sweats and gym shoes with her phone and keys, in the doorway of Liv's room.

Her eyes widen, but go back to normal. She takes a breath, puts a finger to her lips, signaling me to be quiet. I know I shouldn't, but something tells me she'll be okay, and it's not time to get Liv all upset again.

She closes the door, but I know she only switched rooms because Liv's room must be the fire escape window.

Liv finally looks up at me, and even with the mascara running in two straight lines down her cheeks, she's so beautiful. She always has been. Her face is ageless.

I take a paper towel from the rack and wet it with tap water. It's rather difficult with Liv latched onto me, but it doesn't matter much to me.

She looks up at me still while I wipe her face gently. The makeup comes off rather easily.

"No more crying," I tell her.

"Why'd you leave?" she asks, her whisper louder than before, but it's also weak.

"I had to. I couldn't stay. Even if I didn't outrightly lose my job, I would have a reputation I didn't want. I-"

"That's what you cared about? Your reputation? You left me because of-"

"That's not what I mean. People would look at me and see me as a killer. All of you at SVU. I couldn't stand the faces. That girl was 17, Liv. I could have shot by her. Not at her."

"How were you supposed to react differently than any of the rest of us would?" Olivia asks. I sort of ignore it.

"That's why the men who attacked your daughter didn't die. I did it because I knew it was Eliana. She looks just like you, Liv. I had to help her. I knew if I stayed I would see that face. In you, looking over me to make sure I don't go over the edge. I'd see it in her. She's almost the same age as Jenna-"

"El," she says. "You can't hold this over yourself forever. You help more than you hurt. Way more."

"Hurting you counts for double the amount of victims I ever helped."

"No. It doesn't. I named my daughter after you for a reason."

"I still don't get why you did that. I thought you would name her after your mom."

"That's why her middle name is Serena, El."

Something about her mom brings tears to her eyes again.

"What's the matter?" I ask her.

"I've been lying to my daughter for nearly 15 years."

I'm so confused. "Huh?"

"I told her I got pregnant with her consensually," she says, going back to my chest.

It's then I realize why I love her so much. She's broken, but so am I. Healing each other is what we do. It's what we always did. We protected each other. Trusted each other. And when she got pregnant, I was there for her.

"I'm sure she would understand if you told her now," I say quietly into her ear.

"I've always told her everything she wanted to know. Why she doesn't have a grandfather. Why my mom died. Why I come home sometimes and ignore her. Why she'd hear me cry at night, unless it was about you. I told her about rape cases. I told her everything, except what I was ashamed of! I don't want her to think I kept it from her for a reason. Like she couldn't handle it or I was trying to protect her! El...she doesn't like being babied or protected like that. She has her moments of crying and weakness but she's usually very strong. What-"

"Breathe, Liv."

She takes a breath, but I know she's still going haywire.

"Tell her. She will understand if you explain why she didn't tell you. She's just like you, Liv. You don't like being treated like you can't handle things. You like being in charge of yourself..."

I push her chin up so I can see her big, brown eyes. She's on the verge of tears again, but I'll be ready to catch them. I keep talking.

"...But. You both can't handle everything by yourselves. You'll break. Terribly. You both do it. She'll understand if you talk to her. Just talk to her," I finish, brushing her cheek with my thumb.

"When?"

"When you've calmed down. And can think rationally. Get her alone tomorrow."

*Olivia's POV*

Elliot lets me have a mental breakdown. Right here in my kitchen. He's the only one I'd let see me like this. Not even Rollins or my daughter.

But I know why. It's because I've been in love with him for so long. It was just a schoolgirl crush to me. Then the first time a case got to him, I knew I could be there for him. And I never stopped. I just fell deeper in love with this man. He's so complex. So mysterious. So hard to break through to.

He holds me tightly, running his thumbs along my cheeks, like windshield wipers for my tears.

I have no idea what will happen. But for now, all I know is I trust him enough to let him in. And I love him. God, I love him.

He runs his fingers up and through my hair. I watch his lips until they're too close to see. Then I just feel them.•••{AN: So I have a bunch of chapters lined up and ready to be published, but I'm thinking of writing a sequel. I have ideas, but it seems weird that the case was all solved and stuff and I'm just now writing Bensler things. So, tell me if you would like a sequel and I can definitely do that! Thanks for reading, liking, and commenting! Love you guys! See you in the next chapter!}