I Don't Care

16:02, 12 September 2015

The next few days I didn't see or hear from J-Hope, it makes me sad...

I mean I have to understand, he's fucking famous. He doesn't have time to socialize.

Sigh.

Guess it was just a lucky thing.

Lena went back home. I didn't even tell her what happened with me and J-Hope, I was scared she might makes things crazy like tell other Armys, so I kept to myself.

But I'm alone, once again.

In Seoul.

Work is normal. Boring.

But I've been feeling so down..I hardly check Twitter or Fancafe.

It's like what happened with J-Hope, never happened at all. What if it was all in my head O.o?

Let me just set it aside for now and focus on myself.

I finished packing my belongings and I was finally leaving work. I said goodbye to my coworkers and once I stepped outside, I gasped.

J-HOPE IS RIGHT THERE. WAITING FOR ME.

"What are you doing here?" I asked calmly.

But deep down I'm screeching.

He smiles, "I wanted to surprise you."

I just died.

"Oh..hehe..how nice of you." I avoided his gaze.

"Sorry I've been idle, I kinda been busy with practices and sound checks."

"Oh no. Do your thing. Don't worry about me, I'm just...working." I said awkwardly.

He chuckled, "I knew you'd understand. Did you know sometimes fans get fed up if I don't update with them often? I mean my gosh will you just let me breathe?"

So we upset you...I'm sorry.

"Oh.." was all I said.

"Yeah..anyway, shall we start walking?" He gestured me to hold his arm.

I gladly did so but I was nervous.

"Uhm..Hoseok?"

"Mm?"

"Aren't you afraid a fan might see us?"

"Nah. I'm hardly recognized."

What the hell? Are you dumb?

"Sure about that?" I asked.

"Mhm. Positive." He assured.

"Ok then..."

Then that means I'll keep a look out.

But I'm afraid.

This can't be happening...as much as I try to believe it, it just doesn't seem real. J-Hope walking me home? Like huh? No..

I moved away and put my hands in my pockets.

He looked at me confused, "Hey..what's the matter?"

I've read fanfics and even had dreams..it never ends well. A fan and idol relationship always has drama. I can't do this.

"I'm sorry Hoseok, but stay away from me." I warned.

"What the hell?" He exclaimed.

"Look I don't want your fans to attack me so..please. Don't make me go through such things. I'm sorry.." I fast walked away from him.

As much as it BROKE ME to do that. I had to! Ain't no saesangs coming after me.

I felt a tear stream down from my cheek, I wiped it and sniffled.

Damn I never thought I'd do that.

J-Hope I'm sorry...but you deserve better. Not me. I don't have much to offer.

Besides, I'm not even Korean.

I turned the corner and took the bus home.

Once I reached home I stripped down naked and hopped in the shower and cried. I cried like a baby.

This feeling is horrible. I was going to ruin it all either way since I lied to him. Keeping secrets isn't my thing anyways, I'd have to be honest with him if he even bothers to look for me. Which I highly doubt.

There are millions to choose from, what makes me so special? I'm just an ordinary girl.

Sigh.

I'm so depressed I put myself down so hard it's not even funny. After my shower I stared at myself in the mirror

I'm not even that pretty.

Brunette hair, hazel eyes...it's just features....nothing special.

My body isn't as filled in, I'm a stick.

My nose is so small..my lips too.

Who would want me?

J-Hope doesn't deserve me and I certainly don't deserve J-Hope. He and I come from two totally different worlds.

Whatever. Guess I'll just move on with my life, it's the smart thing to do.

I dressed then went on Twitter.

J-Hope updated.

'Where are you, cute girl?'

Is he directing a message to me?

How cute but....you deserve better Hobi, don't put yourself through such trouble. I'm not worth it.

I shut off my phone and placed it under my pillow then snuggled in.

Maybe my depression is making me hallucinate things...I need to see a therapist.

》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》

-Next Day-

Since it's my day off I decided some shopping will do me good. I got myself some cardigans and hats. Shoes, shirts, sweaters, and some jeans. Although I hardly own any jeans. I like to be comfortable. Sweatpants or leggings are more my style.

Today's a nice day too.

Fresh air and kind people.

I stopped by an ice cream shop and got myself some good ice cream. My feet needed rest so I sat a table for two and enioyed my time alone.

I checked Twitter.

V uploaded a video.

-video starts-

V: *approaching J-Hope* Hyung..what's the matter?

J-Hope: Nothing. Go away. *leaves the room*

V: *turns camera to himself* I think hyung is mad...

-end of video-

Why do I feel so bad? Is it my fault?

I didn't mean to hurt you baby...

I tweeted.

'@BTS_twt Fighting J-Hope oppa!'

Maybe that'll help? Then again probably not..I mean I guess I was a little too harsh.

Perhaps I can message him? Then again all of his members share their page.

Hmm...

I went on Fancafe and went into the chat room. Many fans were discussing ways to cheer J-Hope up. Some were preparing sweet gifts for him for the next fan sign event.

I'm not going to that one..and probably not go to one at all.. but..maybe I can send him fan mail? They definitely read all their fan mail.

Yeah..that's what I'll do. I'll send him a letter, apologize first and then tell him how much he means to me but I wouldn't want him to be sad over me.

And I'll admit that I'm a fan.

I smiled and finished my ice cream then went straight home to do what I planned.

》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》

-Days Later-

Right after work I mailed the letter.

It's coconut scented and green, his favorite color.

I hope he gets a better understanding from where I'm coming from.

I also hope he doesn't hate me.

With that I stopped by the Cafe and ordered my precious bubble tea. Strawberry flavored of course.

As I waited I checked Twitter.

Now Jimin updated.

'Today was gloomy..'

Aw..I hope J-Hope's sadness isn't affecting all of them...damn I'd be so upset as well. Thinking it's my fault.

Gosh why was I so harsh?

Just then I heard the door open and I turned.

And immediately regretted it!

"Mai?"

J-Hope.

Shit.

"Hoseok..h-hi.." I mumbled.

He walked over to me and stopped inches away. "Hey, how you doing?"

Terrible..

"Good." I answered.

"Oh. Well do you feel better? Listen I'm sorry-"

"No don't be sorry. I'm okay. Excuse me." I walked passed him but he grabbed my wrist.

The famous move you see in almost every k-drama.

I slowly turned and looked into his eyes.

"Am I doing something wrong?" He asked.

"N-no..it's not you."

"Then what is it? I'm really bothered by what you said last time."

So it was my fault. Now I feel even more like crap.

"Look...I'm just...I got a lot going on right now. Sorry." I yanked away and left the cafe.

So much for my bubble tea but I need to stay away. At least until he reads my letter. I can't lie to him. It's weird.

When I arrived home I went straight to my workstation (desk) and began to write my feelings out.

Writing out my thoughts and what I feel really helps me pull through. It's a technique I learned growing up.

After about an hour I set all the papers I wrote on, on fire in a glass bowl and watched them burn into ash.

Ahh..I feel much better now.

I cleaned up then checked Twitter.

J-Hope updated..

Do I even want to see?

Of course I do.

'Why are you so scared?'

Scared? What does that even mean?

I'm not even gonna bother doing anything, guess I'll just ignore it for now.

》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》

-Days Later-

Ok he should've gotten my letter by now, he hasn't updated, or called/messaged me. Or anything.

Maybe he's upset...

He probably thinks I'm those kinda fans that are dumb and don't understand.

Sigh.

Why am I such a screw up?

As the day went on, I worked until I dropped. But thankfully my day has come to an end and it was home time!

I packed my belongings, said goodbye and went home. To be honest, I was sorta expecting J-Hope to be waiting for me outside work but he wasn't.

What should I expect from an idol anyways? I arrived home and set my things down then went to make myself something.

*ding dong*

I stopped in my tracks and looked at my door suspiciously.

Now who would be at my doorstep?

I have no friends in Seoul. Lena's gone, and I doubt it's J-Hope.

I shrugged and answered the door.

"J-HOPE!" I exclaimed, "Oh my- what are you doing here?!"

He stepped in and shut the door.

This isn't happening.

"You lied to me." He said.

My heart sank.

"You told me you weren't a fan but.. you are!" He yelled, "What'd you take me for? An idiot?"

"No..never.." I mumbled.

"Then why weren't you just honest? My gosh I thought you were actually different!"

I covered my mouth and held back my tears.

"You wanna know something?" He asked in serious tone.

I shook my head.

"I don't care." He said calmly.

Pause.

What?

"What?" I nearly whispered.

He smiled warmly, "I don't care if you lied to me. Because to me you're still different and doesn't matter if you're a fan."

It doesn't matter? Wait.. what?

"I don't understand-"

"You're a true fan. You knew what you were getting yourself into and you sacrificed that chance for me. For me to not go through so much trouble. You cared more about my career than your own desires..." he chuckled, "that is some award winning risk. You earned my respect and my trust."

I'm. Speechless.

He took a step closer to me and held my hand, "Thank you."

He's holding my hand.

"Y-your..welcome.." I nearly whispered.

"But I'd like you to know that..I want to get to know you."

"Why?" I asked suddenly.

"Why not?"

"I'm no one special. To you I'm just a fan, you even said it yourself. Your fans are just fans. Nothing more."

"But now I see that you're more than just a fan..you're a human being who understands me."

"What? No." I moved my hand away, "You don't get it. I'm me and you're J-Hope. International kpop star, you and I are from different worlds. I don't live up to your expectations and you exceed mine. We can't date or even be friends...it just isn't allowed."

It's harsh but it's the truth.

"You're very realistic." He said.

I didn't say or move.

"I like that. But..who said anyone has to know?" He said.

"No. I can't sneak around. I'm afraid."

"Mai, please? You're seriously rejecting your bias?"

My eyes widen, "How'd you know you're my bias?"

"Haha I didn't. Aww!"

-_-

"Hoseok please understand me." I said.

"I understand exactly how you feel, but are you understanding me?"

"Huh?"

"I want to break that rule and just risk it all. With you."

"I'm not worth it.."

"To me you are. At least make me happy. Don't you want to make me happy?"

More than anything...it's been my dream.

"I just...I don't know. This is all too much, is this even real?" I asked.

He held my hand again, "Yes."

My heart throbbed drastically.

"Why me?" I said out of the bloom.

"Because you're special."

No I'm not.

"No." I moved my hand away.

He scoffed, "I never met a fan who's this stubborn. Haha it's cute."

"Oh so I'm stubborn now?"

"Yes. You're little Miss. Stubborn~"

I giggled softly.

"Either you let me continue seeing you or I'll just become a stalker." He said and smiled.

"Yeah right. You couldn't even if you wanted to." I said and looked at him.

He remained smiling.

"No." I said and crossed my arms.

He tilted his head and remained smiling.

"Stop it. It's getting creepy." I said.

He smiled more and widen his eyes a bit and took a step forward.

"Omg Hoseok-ah! Stop!"

"Will you be my frieeennd?" He asked creepily.

"Ok fine!" I exclaimed.

He clapped and jumped a bit, "Yay!"

I couldn't help but laugh

"You're so cute." I said.

"Aw thank you, but not as cute as you~"

Holy shiz he just said that.

I blushed so hard I looked away.

He giggled, "This will be interesting. Having a sweet loving true fan as a friend."

Omg this is too real for me.

"Well, I should get going. See you soon, chingu~" he teased and left in seconds.

I blinked and rubbed my eyes and blinked again. He's gone?

That fast?

I ran to my door and opened it peeping my head out. He really is gone..

I'm going crazy..omg

"YA!"

I screamed and heard giggling.

He chuckled cutely, "Did I scare you chingu?"

J-Hope

I groaned and slapped his arm playfully, "What is wrong with you? Damn you scared me."

"I hope you don't get nightmares."

"Yeah as if.." I muttered. "Weren't you going home? Wait...shouldn't your manager be worried sake right now?"

"Nah, you'd be surprised how much freedom we actually have. BigHit isn't like other companies where the idols can't roam the streets. Our manager let's us run freely. Except when it comes to work days. Then we can't go out..but other than that, I'm good."

Sounds legit.

"Well..ok then.." I said awkwardly

He smiled, "I'm really looking forward to getting to know you, Mai."

I blushed and looked away crossing my arms, "This still doesn't feel real to me." I said.

"Do you have your phone on you?" He asked.

I took out my phone, "Yeah? Wae?"

He snatched it from me and put his arm over my shoulder, I yelped when he pulled me close to him and smiled, I didn't have time to react so once he took the selfie..

I looked like crap, with a surprised yet confused facial expression.

He chuckled, "Nice one, Mai."

"What just happened?" I asked.

"You just took a selfie with a BTS member, consider yourself lucky." He said and gave me back my phone.

I looked down at it and saw the picture.

He looks beautiful but me..ugh.

I couldn't help but smile anyway, that was really nice of him...

When I looked up he smiled widely at me and I hugged him tightly.

He yelped but hugged me back.

I pulled away, "You're my hope."

He chuckled, "Ah yes..I'm your hope."

My everything.