39

Time to give my good sis her chapter! Don't worry, Embers is coming up soon.

Phoebe

My lock screen pissed me off. My home screen made it worse. My social media burned my insides alive and my life was falling apart. This shit wasn't on me. Well maybe it was.

I've been thinking this over and maybe I gave her too much of myself. That person that I showed her the other night— that person that's in me doesn't just come out. However, when she does it scares the hell out of me because that's my defense mechanism. I wanna fight and I wanna yell because my feelings are hurt and I'm in pain. I wanna break shit and scream but in the inside I'm really racking my eyeballs out and trying to piece my heart back together. I gave her too much power and that's on me. I trusted her too soon and that's on me and now I've found myself right back where I was with my ex, and I hated this feeling.

My random thoughts of the day have all been Tiffany and I. My eyes didn't want to see her anywhere but I still couldn't bring myself to change or delete anything. My chest felt tight these days, maybe my heart was actually breaking. I had put too much into that woman... so now, this was on me. My tears soaked so much of the pillows at night that I wake up and my face is still damp.

I'm hurting— and thugs not supposed to hurt. I can't stop crying— and thugs damn sho' not supposed to cry.

The door to my hotel opened and Kyrin walked in causing my head to snap in her direction and out of my thoughts. She immediately began speaking. "Morning sister, I love the green. Now let's talk. Yesterday, I had some mind blowing sex right?"

"Whoa. Whoa. Ion wanna hear that shit." I told her in all seriousness.

"Eh I don't care. Anyways, so yes, mid sex— wait nah. Not mid sex well after the sex..." She trailed off again. "Okay, not immediately after but some time after, I got to thinking. You love that woman."

I didn't reply immediately but finally I mumbled. "Of course I do."

"Mhm, so I know you don't wanna hear this right now, but love is forgiveness. You can't keep this anger in your heart. You gotta let her know that she hurt you P, you can't just keep harboring this. You love her, and she fucked up but come on, we know Tiff... She gone do whatever she can to fix it. You just gotta let her fix it."

Sitting down, my leg began shaking. "What if she does it again?"

"Then you go from there. Don't live on the what ifs sis. It's gonna be alright, no matter what, it will. Just, give her a chance. Hear her out. Yes you're hurting, but she is too. Daddy raised some independent kids, but you gotta admit that he didn't raise us heartless. Love isn't perfect P." My sister continued. "Now, can you have a conversation with her? If not for her then for yourself. You can't keep doing this shit and no matter how much you dye your hair, it isn't going to change nor fix anything. Can you at least talk to her?"

I met eye contact with her before nodding slowly. "Yeah. I'll talk to her."

"Good." Kyrin pulled her phone out and dialed a number. "Alright baby, you can bring her in."

"Kyrin... I know you didn't." I spoke in disbelief.

"I'm sorry sister, but times up. It's time for you two to have a conversation and either leave it where it is or fix it."

The door opened and Janet and Tiffany walked in. Janet smiled as she pointed. "I love that hair color! You can pull off any color at this point P."

I smiled softly but as quick as it came, it went away. "Thanks J."

She smiled back before grabbing Kyrin's hand. "Well, Kyrin and I will give you two a moment. Take as much time as you need."

They walked out and tension and silence filled the space. Finally, I pointed. "You can sit if you wanna."

She went and sat across from me before speaking. "Phoebe I—."

"No." I cut her off. "I've listened to you this entire time, but today you are gonna listen to me."

Tiffany nodded as she sat back some. "Okay... go ahead."

"You hurt me... You did all that promising T, just to break them. Empty promises was all you handed me and I blindly took them. You keep saying your sorry, but I can't bring myself to believe it."

"I love you." She stated and I looked away. "Do you hear me P? I love you. With every fiber in my body, I love you. So to know that I'm hurting you is making me reflect on myself. I want your forgiveness and your love and this relationship. But hell, do I deserve it? Of course not but I'm hoping you'll let me fix it."

I shook my head. "Tiffany..."

"What do I need to do? Tell me what I need to do to show you that yes I fucked up but it won't happen again. Phoebe you are my world, yes we fuss but it's only because we're two peas in a pod. And this pea messed up.. so tell me what you need me to do to earn you and your trust back."

"Block her." I stated my first preference. "Not only block her but delete her contact, delete the thread. All that."

Tiff came over and sat by me as she did it. "Done."

"You took my fingerprint out your phone, you said it was after we had that argument about my hair. Was that a lie?"

She hesitated before nodding. "Yeah."

"Mhm. Thought so. Let's put it back in there and if you take it out again imma beat your ass." Tiffany put the phone in my hand and I went to the settings and put my finger print back in. As I did it, I asked slyly. "What else you been lying about? How'd you meet the girl?"

"I was at the mall downtown and she stopped me near the food court and asked for my number. I gave it to her and we started texting back and forth. She asked me to meet her at the club and I agreed." Tiff summed it up for me.

Handing her the phone back, I scoffed before getting quiet again. Pulling my knees into my body, I asked softly. "What wasn't I doing? Why'd you go to her for attention? Was I not showing you enough or something?"

She looked at me quickly as she disagreed. "No, you were showing me attention. You were doing everything right— it's on me. Seriously, it is. There was nothing you could have done more or better. You were giving me one hundred percent and I fucked it up."

"You two kiss?" I questioned.

"Once. Seriously, only once. And I know that I shouldn't have done it. I began to regret it right after it happened. I know that I fucked up and—."

"See, you keep saying that shit! You keep saying the same shit over and over again!" I snapped as I stood up. It wasn't enough. Her words lessened in value every time she opened her mouth. How could I know this was true? "Tiffany, you should go."

"No." She refused to move as she stood up too. "I'm gonna keep trying. So unless you want me at this door every damn day until you get sick of me and finally let me in, I'm not leaving."

"Leave Tiffany." My anger was settling back in. "Just go!"

She yelled right back. "No!"

My fist clenched. I didn't want her here anymore. I tried to do this for Kyrin but it was starting to make me even more pissed. She stood here, showcasing emotions. She didn't have a right to do that here... why was she so fucking upset? Because she lost me? She wouldn't be in this damn predicament if she would have just been faithful.

That's where people go wrong, began to get hungrier and thirstier. They bite the hands that feed them and expect those hands to come back the next time. They expect the hands to come back in the same condition they were in the first time but they never truly do. The hands come back dirty— laced with scars from the prints that the bite left on it.

Yet, it just so happens Tiffany was the bite mark, and my hands were my heart. My reality slowed for a second... how could she do this? How could she think everything would be okay after this? She was in the club on another chicks lap. The messages— they talked as if they were gonna be something. As if Tiffany was actually in any situation to actually give that girl a permanent position in her life.

Time sped up suddenly as I shouted. "Go! I don't want you here! You lie and you cheat and you hurt!" I began hitting her chest as the tears I had been trying to hold back since she came in the room finally broke free. "I don't want you here! You are full of shit! I don't want you here!"

Tiffany pushed my arms down and hugged me tightly. Her voice came out gently. "Stop baby."

"No!" I fought against her grip. "Let me go! Let me go!" My fight left my body suddenly as I broke down even more. The next sentence came out weak as my voice cracked. "Let me go man."

She shook her head as she hugged me tighter. "I know you're upset. I know you probably hate me, but I'm not letting you go. So you get all of this out. Cause all I'm going to do is hold you."

"I wanna hate you— I wanna hate you so bad but I can't. I can't stop loving you Tiff."

"Stop trying to stop baby, I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna make this better. Whatever it takes. If you can't hold me to any of my old promises, you can hold me to this one. I will never risk our relationship again. Never."

I nodded softly as I shifted in her embrace. My sniffles weakened as she held me, my head on her chest and her arms around my frame. Slowly, my arms wrapped around her as we held each other.

"It's just me and you baby. Nobody else. I won't let another soul ruin what we have. I can't be without you Phoebe. I can't move on. There is not one other person that can take your spot. I mean that. I love you. I love you too much to throw this away again. I'm not making the same mistake twice. I love you and only you."

For some reason, I believed her. Maybe it was the way she whispered it gently. Or how her words washed over my senses like a calm, warning-less tsunami. They settled on my soul in a way that only she knew how to make happen. She had me on a mental leash, I tried to leave but I should have known that she wouldn't let me get far.

The first time was all on her... I had her to blame. The second time... wouldn't be. The second time would be my fault for not putting my foot down and leaving now.

P, put your foot down. Tell her off. You don't need to do this to yourself. She isn't going to change. A zebra doesn't change her strips, only finds a new home to reside in.

"I can't do this..." I mumble as I break out of her embrace.

"It's over Tiffany." My voice whispers as I kiss her cheek ever so softly.

"You don't love me T." I mutter as I untangle myself from her body.

All those options ran through my head a thousand times over. Yet... all that feel from my tongue was four words that made my heart pound into a frenzy and the gates of insanity open up for me.

Looking up at her, I replied softly. "I love you too."