chapter 40: The hand we were dealt

KJ said nothing when we got back. He walked upstairs, with his head low and his hands shoved into his pockets. Not the look of a boy who just played a great gig.

He closed the door of the den and out seeped a tune of frustration from his piano.

We sat in the hall, lined up on the floor against the wall, outside the door. Just listening. None of us are brave enough to go in there. Not even his twin, who sat closest to the door. She knew all along that Aimi wouldn't make the cut. I guess she's not proud to be right this time. Because KJ put faith in Aimi, and Aimi was too scared to even try. She ran, when all he asked of her was to stand by him.

Maybe she'll learn too. Loving us, has to be taught.

After all, we all had to be taught to love ourselves.

We heard voices coming down the hall. We looked down the hall seeing Aunt Bri, Uncle Kaoru and Ros, walking and talking. They must have just gotten home from their trip. A work trip for Aunt Bri, starting up a new partnership, or at least hopefully she did.

Ros went with her as her understudy. Learning the family business so she can take it over some day.

They smiled as they walked, but then all at once, they noticed us. The noticed the piano, and Aunt Bri stopped in front of the door.

"What happened to my baby?" She asked, hand falling to her chest.

Hana spoke up saying, "He broke up with Aimi."

"What? Why?" Uncle Kaoru asked, standing beside his wife.

Now Bokuto spoke, soft and careful, "Me, Z, Aimi and KJ were all dancing and Hina came up to us. She told me and Aimi that we were turning the school into," his eyes twisted around to all the brown faces in the room before he decided on, "n-word lovers."

"And what did you say?" Uncle Kaoru asked sternly, more seriously than I've ever heard him before.

Bokuto gave a small shrug saying, "Basically that it wouldn't be a bad thing, and she's the one with the problem."

Uncle Kaoru nodded, still with that serious look on his face, as he turned to his wife. She was more calm, or so it seemed. She breathed deeply, I could see her chest rise and fall before she said gently, "And what did Aimi say?"

Hana had not worked for any calm, "Nothing," she practically shouted with her fist balled up, "No, Mom she did worse than saying nothing. She ran, she ran Mom. Because she couldn't handle one person saying something to her about who she was dancing with." She pounded her fist together before sighing, "Just one person."

Aunt Bri sighed as well, saying, "Baby, we can't expect everyone to make sacrifices for us."

"He didn't want everyone one to," Ros said, staring at the door, still listening to the sounds of the piano.

"We don't want anyone to have to sacrifice anything," Hana said in frustration, I could see the glass in her eyes as she cried out, "Loving us shouldn't have to be a sacrifice."

For a moment, everything stood still, because everything made sense and nothing made sense at the same time. You shouldn't need thick skin to love us, just because our skin is brown. But that's the way it is.

"It shouldn't be," Aunt Bri agreed, "You're right... and I hope that one day, everyone else can see that too."

"Mom, Dad and the original host club had to put up with so much for you and she can't even take a comment. That's why she left Zara at that sleepover. Someone said something. Probably Hina again." Ros crossed her arms as she went on, "KJ was probably right to end it here."

Bokuto slid his hand in mine, as Aunt Bri reached for the doorknob. "Right or not, it still hurts."

She opened the door letting the music pour out. She walked into the room, and I stood up, everyone did. Uncle Kaoru walked into the room too, but he hung back. Everyone walked in keeping their space. When I walked in, I saw Aunt Bri sitting at the bench beside KJ as he played. I stood back, watching them. Bokuto stood behind me, but stood close, taking my hand in his.

Aunt Bri brought her still hand to KJ's back and he stumbled through a few notes to his song. After the mistake, he stopped. The whole room froze. We all watched as KJ's hands left the keys. As they fell to his lap. As his head tilted to his Mom's shoulder.

She wrapped her arms around her son saying, "I know baby."

And we all sat in the stillness.

His voice was soft, yet it filled the room when he whispered, "Does it ever stop?"

My heart dropped, and my eyes began to gloss over. Because I know the answer, deep down, I think we all do. When you are a different color than everyone around, you walk into the room and you are first Black. Always Black. They think they know everything there is to know about us, from rap videos and movies, and news broadcast that show only the bad of people with brown skin.

They think they know us, and we have to spend so much time and effort to prove that we're more than what the world told them we are. We've inherent a predetermined identity. And it's not fair.

And it won't stop.

But Aunt Bri said with a soft sigh, "Maybe someday." Because she knows, that the day is not here yet.

"Bri," Uncle Kaoru sighed, "Tell them about our trip to China."

Hana sat on the floor, near the bench. She looked up at her Mom asking, "Did you get the partnership?"

Aunt Bri shook her head softly, land it dropped a little as she said, "No. I didn't." She took a deep breath, and turned around on the bench, "When we went into the board meeting, I began to speak and they insisted on speak to the head of Hitachiin Fashion. I assured them that I was the head of the company, and laughed, of course they laughed." She held her hand out to her eldest who stood close to Uncle Kaoru. Ros crossed the room taking her Mom's hand as she went in, "They've been laughing since I was Rosalind's age, accompanying your grandma Hitachiin to business meetings. She has two perfectly good sons, they would whisper, and she choses this, nappy haired, this savage, this trouble making negro to run her business? I pretended to not hear them, but when your grandmother heard them, she'd just walk out.

I would always feel guilty for making her miss out on a deal. Of course, she'd tell me not to be, but that didn't change anything...

It took awhile for me to realize, that"

Ros, tried to smile as she said, "It's everyone else that missed out, not you."

Aunt Bri smiled at her daughter, then her other daughter, and placed her hand on her son's shoulder, "Right." She smiled, but sadness still fell in her eyes, with the tear that rolled down. The tear that rolled down my eye. This is our life. We were born into this, and we have to learn to deal with it. We have to be tough.

I dropped my head, closed my eyes and just breathed, letting the tears fall. My hand wrapped tighter around Bokuto's. He held me tighter, pulling body to his and wrapped his other arm around me. Letting his chin drop to my shoulder. "You okay?" He whispered. But there's no answer for that. Yes, I'm okay. Because I have to be. No, nothing is wrong, because this is normal. This is our life.

My eyes opened at the sound of the piano. KJ lifted his fingers back to the keys and play a few notes of a song that Aunt Bri and Uncle Kaoru played for us. Trying to drill self love and confidence into us, knowing that the world will try to strip every ounce of that away from us.

Softly, he sang, "I am not my hair."

Aunt Bri gave a soft, sad laugh singing along, "I am not this skin."

I let my voice ring along with my cousins, "I am not your expectations, no."

We all stopped letting aunt Bri sing, "I am not my hair, I am not this skin."

My cousins and I joined her singing, "I am the soul, that lives within."

We listened as KJ played the rest of the song. We sat together. With Bokuto and Akaashi playing witness to this vulnerable moment in our lives. But, if you are really our friends, this is what you see.

You see us, how we are and not the face we put on for everyone else.

KJ played and we sat and listened until Uncle Kaoru took Aunt Bri's hand. She kissed KJ on the head, and she left with him.

I stood too, Bokuto standing with me and left the room. He followed behind as I walked towards my room.

"Does stuff like this happen often?" He asked.

"If it happens once it's happened too often," I snapped, then remembered who I was talking to. This is caring Bokuto, who needs no hostility, "Sorry."

"Don't be."

I nodded, and opened the door to my bedroom. I waved him in and closed the door behind him. I crossed my arms as I walked over to my bed, explaining, "Sometimes, the incidents are far enough apart to forget that people think less of you. You start thinking, because I'm on the right path, because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, it's different. But... it's not." I sat at the edge of my bed, and Bokuto sat beside me, listening intensely, "Everything will be find. Then, you'll walk into a store to buy some snacks, and you'll look over and see the store clerk staring at you. Maybe you'll wave and smile, or move to another part of the store, but his gaze won't leave you. He won't smile back, and you have to stand there and figure out how to make yourself look less guilty. Even though you're not guilty of anything besides being different.

Maybe they'll ask if you need anything, or something to try and let you know they're watching. As if you couldn't already tell.

Then when you go up to pay, they check over the counter for stuffed pockets, and check your money to see if it's fake.

He won't smile and tell you to come again.

And likely, you won't come again, because that belittling is worth a bag of chips and a brownie. But, we have to put up with it.

You just take it, maybe feel sad for a moment, and move on with life because what other choice do you have?

When, you're Black, no matter how much money you have, or how successful you are, there will always be moments when to remind you, that when you walk through a door, the first thing the room sees is Black."

Silence settled in the room. I don't unload on people like this, and I opened my mouth to apologize for it but he stopped me saying, "I didn't see that first."

A single chuckle left my lips as I wiped a tear from my face, "What did you see?"

"Bravery."

I laughed but he went on, "I'm serious. Mrs. Ito told me about this girl, who left her home in America to live with her aunt, then left her home again, just to play a sport at a new school, in her last year of high school. I thought you had to be crazy, but when I saw you, you didn't look crazy at all. You looked, brave. Like you were ready to take on anything the world threw at you.

And, now I know I was right."

He smiled, and I let my head fall on his shoulder whispering, "Well, can you tell the world to take it easy on us for a while. I'm tired of having to be brave."

I felt him take a deep breath, his shoulder rose and fell before he sighed, "I'm sorry Baby Bird."

I sighed too, sitting up, "It's fine. You have nothing to apologize for." I kissed him once, and stood saying, "I'm bout to take a shower."

He stood up as well saying, "Yeah, me too."

I started walking towards my bathroom and heard Bokuto walking just steps behind me. I rolled my eyes saying, "Go to your room Bokuto."

With a grunt he said, "Fine, but I'm coming back."

He wasn't lying. Though he rarely does.

When I got out of my long shower, he was back in pajama pants and a t-shirt on and his hair pushed back and out of his face as he scrolled through his phone.

I didn't think he'd be in here this soon. Thought he'd text or something before coming back. I wish he would have, because here I am standing in only a towel and my closet is on the other side of the room.

Maybe I can just sneak past him without him noticing. He's pretty deep in his phone.

Quietly I stepped from the bathroom into my room, eyes on my dresser on the other side of the room. But I only made it a few steps into the room before he looked up,

"Oh Baby Bird, sorry." He turned his head away and quickly snatched his shirt off, holding it out behind him, "Here." He said with his other hand over his eyes.

Stupid owl, I have clothes, but it would be nice to steal another one of his shirts. So I took it. Trusting Bokuto to keep his eyes clothes, I dropped my towel and slid his shirt on. It dropped just below my butt. Quickly I moved over to my dresser and grabbed some panties. I slid them on saying, "It's fine now," with a bit of a chuckle.

He opened his eyes laughing, "You're still half naked."

I shrugged, moving over to my bed, "So are you, besides this is how I normally sleep." I crawled onto my bed and pulled the covers back, to slip under them.

Bokuto slipped under the cover and again I told him, "Bokuto, go to your room."

He grinned, and turned leaning over me as he smiled, "Maybe later," before bringing his lips to mine. Causing all logic and anything bad to slip from my mind.

Today had been a good day, with a bad moment. I'll remember the good, and spend a few more good moments with Bokuto. Somehow being with him, makes everything feel easier.

And being here, with his shirtless body on mine under the covers, made everything hotter.