☆Entry⁶

[Not my drafts getting deleted lmao: cried myself to sleep for days cause I planned to publish the rest like weeks ago but meh... life is life ig]

Her eyes met yours squinting a bit as the redness got hidden just a little bit as she gently smiled taking you home after the salon.

"Why do they do this?" You asked looking at her as you ate away at your ice cream causing her to sniffle before laughing softly "because,  the world is full of bad–bad  people" she said with a small sigh resting her back on the seat.

You had come back from middle school with your long hair unevenly cut by some bullies,  your skin littered with a few scrapes and bruises and a bit of your upper lip cut and swelling, She wondered how you managed to stay positive after all you've been going through.

You got bullied , picked on and called names by people yet you always returned those actions with nothing but a kind smile, god– you were only 10. Why was the world so cruel to her child?

They had fled the north in hope for a better future but they didn't think you'd be going through this in a country that promised them peace and safety. Yes they were safe but their little girl was getting harmed daily. For what fucking reason?

So out of that school you went, getting homeschooling for two years before finally managing to convince your parents to let you to back to a regular school

"How will I learn to socialise and have a political opinion in the future if I stay cooped up in this house?" You said over dinner once earning a grunt from your father "no politics y/n-ah" he warned lightly.that had got them in enough shit already.

"Fine fine, law, psychology,  nursing and other thibgs like that, those things require me to be able to work with  people how am I going to be able to do that when the only people I speak to are the two of you and my tutor,  not to sound disrespectful or anything but Ms Mang is an earful, literally" you whined causing your parents to laugh a bit

"Fine fine, we'll see what we can do, but," your mother paused "if anything like before happens  you are back here with mang for 4 more years okay?" With a smile you jumped from your chair kissing the cheeks of both parents "thank you thank you thank you" you chanted before rushing to take your phone from the table to play a song

"This deserves karaoke, please please enjoy the show by Nam Y/n lady and gentleman" you introduced making them clap awaiting the show. Just like old times, the three of you enjoying dinner and light and fun family moments just like these.

Before... everything went down.

Before... Hanlim Arts High School happened.

"Hello I'm Nam Y/n , please welcome me" you bowed to your new homeroom class before looking up at your homeroom teacher who had introduced himself as Mr J. Cheon , he had a big bright smile, wore circle framed glasses and even from the moment he greeted you from the office his presence made you feel at home, he reminded you a lot of your uncle just... nicer

"Y/n please sit over here right in the from next to Duri and Yeji. You two please make Y/n feel welcome!" He announced to the class which cheered back in agreement

You liked the fact that you fit right it and didn't stick right out like a sore thumb, the people weren't bad and you had bothered your driver and only friend Mr Choi who you called San about it the whole drive hers about it

"Omg" you panicked "what if I'm too ugly. Or that my phone is too old. Wait not it's the latest release, fuck, what if my hair is too brown, or too short, too long? Should I have worn makeup? Did I apply enough lip gloss. I knew I should have done a more undo kind of hairstyle" you whined making San shake his head with a chuckle

"You look fine , you're young , makeup it a big no no okay?" He said and you nodded "lipgloss is not makeup is lip care" you said and he chuckled yet again his voice echoing in the car

"Lip gloss is not makeup it's lip care" he repeated with his voice laced with amusement. That was a great start to your day, maybe highschool wasn't going to be soo bad.

The first year of highshool was just like any other , lovely, peaceful and honestly the best year you've ever had, you had friends and felt like you finally fit in.

Eighth grade feels like a blur of laughter and endless inside jokes, and the days are somehow brighter because you have Duri and Yeji by your side. You remember the crowded halls, the hum of chatter, but it’s their voices you hear above the noise. The three of you are like a small, perfect world within the chaos of middle school—together, you’re unstoppable.

At lunch, you huddle in your usual spot, trading snacks, teasing each other over the smallest things. Yeji’s laugh fills the air, light and carefree, while Duri rolls her eyes, pretending to be annoyed but always joining in.

It’s those moments, those tiny exchanges, that make everything feel just right. Walking home after school, the world softening into evening light, you talk about everything and nothing at all. The future feels so far away, yet somehow so close, and all that matters is that you’re here, together.

There’s a warmth that comes from being understood without saying a word, and it’s in these moments that you realize: this is what friendship feels like. These days with Duri and Yeji will stay with you, etched into your heart. Even when you grow older and change, those memories will be a constant, reminding you of the time when everything felt simple and perfect.

Ninth grade had been the year when everything seemed to change, yet somehow stayed the same. You had just turned fifteen, and there was this new awareness in the air—like you were starting to understand the world, and yourself, in ways you hadn’t before.

You were no longer the girl who played with dolls or spent hours pretending in your room. No, you had grown up. It wasn’t just about school anymore. It was about you About your looks, your style, your body, and what it meant to be a teenage girl.

The mirror had become a quiet companion, something you studied more than you ever had before. You had started wearing makeup, just light stuff at first—lip gloss and a touch of mascara—and it made you feel different. When you looked at yourself, you saw a girl who was still figuring things out but was starting to get it. Your reflection wasn’t quite the same as it had been a year ago, and somehow, that was okay. You were growing into someone new, someone you were learning to love.

You spent your days with Yeji and Duri, your two best friends, and together you all navigated the delicate balance between childhood and adolescence. You weren’t the same as you had been in eighth grade, but it was clear that you were still there for each other. The three of you had changed in little ways, though, finding new things to care about. Shopping had become an adventure, not just for clothes, but for discovering who you were through what you wore. You were no longer just grabbing whatever was on sale; now, it was about finding the perfect shirt that fit just right, or shoes that made you feel like you could walk a little taller.

And then there was the lipstick. You remember the first time you wore it. It was just a soft pink, but when you looked in the mirror, something shifted inside you. It felt like a tiny declaration. You were *growing up*, and it felt real. Yeji had given you advice on how to apply it, and Duri had laughed at you for being so excited about something so small. But you didn’t care. It wasn’t just the makeup. It was the way it made you feel like you were becoming the version of yourself that you had always dreamed of.

But there was something else, too. Someone else.

Chris Bahng.

He was new to the school, a boy from Australia with a quiet confidence that drew you in from the moment you first saw him. You had tried not to stare, but it was hard. His accent was different, his smile easy, and there was something about the way he moved through the halls, like he belonged, like he knew where he was going even when the rest of the world seemed uncertain.

You had caught him looking at you a few times, but you weren’t sure if it was just a coincidence. You tried to act cool about it, pretending that it didn’t make your stomach do a little flip every time he smiled at you.

At lunch, you and Yeji had whispered about him, your voices barely louder than the hum of the cafeteria. "You should talk to him," she’d said, giving you that look like she knew exactly what was going on.

But it wasn’t that easy. He wasn’t just any boy. He was Chris Bahng. And you weren’t sure if you were ready for that.

It was nice to have this quiet crush, though. You didn’t need to rush anything, just letting it live in the back of your mind like a secret.

Maybe it was a little silly, but the thought of him—his smile, the way he laughed—was enough to make the day feel a little brighter.

The rest of ninth grade had been full of little moments like that. You and Yeji and Duri spent afternoons talking about everything and nothing—about your futures, about what it meant to be fifteen, about the latest trends and how quickly time was passing.

You weren’t little anymore, but you weren’t fully grown either. You were somewhere in between, and you could feel the weight of that in the way you looked at the world.

You were maturing. You were learning how to be a teenager. No more playing with dolls, no more pretending. Now it was makeup and school dances, the boy who made your heart beat faster, and the deep comfort of knowing that your friends were right there with you.

You weren’t sure where you were going, but for the first time, you didn’t mind. Being fifteen, with your best friends and a quiet crush and all the little things that made life feel real, was enough. Life was unfolding in front of you, and you were starting to love it.

Then came along 10th grade.[I keep switching tenses ykw present and past ... it's still a flash back that's all that matters]

There’s a certain silence that comes with being alone, and you feel it more with each day that passes.

The hallways used to feel alive, bright with the laughter of people you called friends,Duri’s wild giggles echoing down the corridors, Yeji’s warm arm slung around your shoulder. But that feels like a lifetime ago now, like a story you read once but can’t quite remember. Now, the hallways are quiet, each step you take swallowed up by the dull, hollow echo of your own footsteps.

People glance at you, look away, murmur when they think you’re not listening. But you know. You know what they’re saying.

“She has a crush on Mr. Cheon.”

"I heard she tried seducing him but he Scolded her, such a slut."

"Isn't he married"

"She has no shame"

"Ew"

The rumor feels heavy, a dark stain you can’t wash off, clinging to you like a shadow. It was a lie, of course. Some twisted joke, something someone decided to spread because they were bored.

You tried to ignore it at first, hoping it would pass like any other rumor. But this one stuck, winding its way through the school like a poison, latching onto every whispered word, every turned back.

And Duri and Yeji believed it. Or maybe they didn’t care if it was true or not. Either way, they were gone. Just… gone. Like they had erased you from their lives without a second thought.

You sit alone in the cafeteria, pretending not to notice the empty seats around you. You try to eat, but every mouthful feels thick and heavy, like it’s lodging itself in your throat. You can feel people watching, sneaking glances your way and whispering to each other. Your hands start to tremble, and you push your food away, suddenly feeling sick.

In the bathroom, you lock yourself in a stall and sit on the cold tile floor, pulling your knees to your chest. You press your hands over your ears, trying to block out the laughter and chatter echoing from the hallway. You tell yourself it’s okay, that it doesn’t matter, that you’re strong enough to handle this. But the words feel empty, like lies you’re trying to convince yourself of.

"Cmon Nam y/n, you're better than thus,  you're better than this, just smile just smile just smile just smile-" your voice broke "just fucking smile."

Why did they believe it? Why didn’t they ask you, talk to you,trust  you?

You think about Duri’s laugh, the way it used to make you feel warm and happy, like everything was right in the world. You think about Yeji’s hand in yours, squeezing gently whenever you felt nervous or scared.

You think about all the memories you shared, all the secrets and dreams and late-night conversations. And you wonder how it could all disappear so quickly, how people who once cared about you could turn away without a second thought.

At home, you plaster on a smile for your parents, hoping they won’t notice the dark circles under your eyes or the way your voice cracks when you speak.You know they’re worried,they keep asking if everything’s okay, if there’s anything you need.

But you can’t tell them. You can’t tell them that you feel like you’re disappearing, fading into the background like a shadow no one notices. You can’t tell them that every time you close your eyes, you hear the laughter of people who used to be your friends, mocking you, taunting you.

So you smile, hoping it looks real enough, and tell them everything’s fine. You laugh at their jokes, talk about your day like it’s normal, like nothing’s changed. But the second you’re alone in your room, the mask crumbles, and you feel the weight of everything settle over you like a heavy blanket.

You curl up in bed, burying your face in your pillow to muffle the sound of your sobs. The silence feels suffocating, pressing down on you until it’s hard to breathe.

You cry until your head aches, until there’s nothing left inside you but emptiness. And then you lie there, staring at the ceiling, feeling like a stranger in your own skin. Then it feels like the lines just drew themselves on your line, you didn't move. They just appeared. You'd never harm yourself. No... you would never.

The days blur together, each one bleeding into the next in a haze of loneliness and isolation.You go to school, sit through your classes, try to keep your head down. The insults written on your desk hit hard every single time you looked at them , yiu pretended it was fine. It's okay

But it’s like you’re invisible. People look past you, through you, as if you’re not even there. When teachers call on you, their voices sound distant, like they’re coming from another room. You answer in a quiet voice, hoping they’ll move on quickly, not wanting to draw any attention to yourself.

And Mr Cheon? He just ignored those claims and continued with his life, you wouldn't compare him to your uncle now, your uncle would never let you be in such pain. Your uncle wasn't a monster.

In group projects, no one wants to work with you. They avoid your gaze, make excuses, pretend not to hear when the teacher asks if anyone wants to partner up. So you work alone, pretending it doesn’t bother you, pretending you’re fine. But the truth is, every time someone turns away, it feels like a knife twisting in your chest, a reminder that you’re not wanted, not welcome.

You start eating lunch in the bathroom, locking yourself in a stall with your sandwich and a water bottle. It’s not comfortable, and the tile floor is cold against your legs, but at least here, you don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to see the looks people give you, don’t have to hear the whispers that follow you wherever you go.

You try to distract yourself with homework, with books, with anything that might make the time pass faster. But no matter how hard you try, the loneliness lingers, an ache that won’t go away. You feel hollow, like there’s a part of you that’s been ripped out and left behind.

At night, the silence is the worst. You lie in bed, staring at the darkness, your mind racing with thoughts you can’t control. You think about all the things you could’ve done differently, all the ways you might’ve prevented this. Maybe if you’d been more careful, maybe if you’d been quieter, less noticeable, people wouldn’t have turned on you. Maybe if you were different,prettier, smarter, more popular. Maybe... just maybe Duri and Yeji would still be by your side.

But it’s too late now. They’re gone, and you’re alone.

You hug your pillow, burying your face in the fabric to stifle the sobs that claw their way up your throat. You cry until you can’t breathe, until your chest aches and your eyes sting. And when the tears finally stop, you lie there, feeling empty and exhausted, too tired to even move.

Then you find your arms stinging again. You cut a little too deep tonight. It's almight. It'll heal. No one cares if you bleed out or not. You have no one to talk to. Cutting Is the only way to balance the pain. If there's pain inside there should be pain outside.

It's helping. You're helping yourself.

In the morning, you look in the mirror and barely recognize the person staring back at you. Your eyes are red and swollen, dark circles etched beneath them like bruises. You try to cover them up, to hide the evidence of your pain, but it feels pointless. No amount of makeup can hide the emptiness in your eyes, the hollow ache that’s settled in your chest.

You smile at your parents when they ask if you’re okay, tell them you’re just tired, that school is a little stressful. They believe you, or maybe they’re just pretending to believe you, not wanting to pry. Either way, you’re grateful. You don’t think you could handle it if they knew the truth, if they saw how broken you really are.

The loneliness becomes a constant companion, an ache that follows you wherever you go.You start to wonder if this is all there is, if you’ll always feel this way. You watch people laughing, talking, sharing moments you’ll never be a part of, and you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, forever separated by an invisible wall you can’t break through.

You don’t know if anyone would even notice if you disappeared. You imagine fading into the background, slipping away without a sound, and wonder if anyone would care. The thought lingers, a quiet whisper that grows louder with each passing day.

But you don’t say anything. You keep going, keep pretending, keep hoping that maybe, somehow, things will get better. But deep down, you’re not sure if they ever will.

And so, you drift through the days, a ghost in a crowded world, longing for a warmth that feels forever out of reach.

The days start blurring together, slipping through your fingers like sand. You wake up, go through the motions, but nothing feels real anymore. The world around you has lost its color, its warmth, its life. You see people laughing, talking, living—Duri and Yeji among them—but it feels like you’re looking at them through a thick pane of glass, separate and distant. Like they’re in a place you can’t reach, a world you don’t belong in anymore.

Every time you see Duri’s laughter, hear Yeji’s voice echoing down the halls, your chest tightens.

They’re moving on, thriving, laughing with new friends, looking happier than ever. It’s like you never existed, like the bond you shared was just a dream that faded away without a trace.

They don’t glance your way, don’t acknowledge your presence, don’t seem to care that you’re slipping further and further into a darkness you can’t escape.

The hurt sits heavy in your chest, an ache that never goes away. You feel like a ghost, haunting your own life, invisible to everyone around you. The world feels like it’s shrinking, closing in on you, suffocating you. You can barely breathe, barely think, barely feel anything but the constant, gnawing loneliness.

Anxiety becomes a constant shadow.Your heart races at the smallest things,a loud noise, a glance from a classmate, the sound of footsteps approaching. You feel like everyone’s watching you, judging you, whispering about you, even if they’re not. Paranoia wraps around you like a cold, heavy blanket, suffocating and inescapable.

You stop eating lunch at school entirely. The bathroom feels too cold, too lonely, so you just sit in the library, clutching your stomach as hunger pangs twist inside you. But even there, surrounded by books and silence, you feel the weight of the stares, real or imagined, pressing down on you. Your hands tremble as you flip through pages, not really reading, just trying to keep yourself distracted, trying to hold yourself together.

You feel yourself slipping away, bit by bit, each day becoming harder than the last. Some days, you can’t even bring yourself to get out of bed. The weight of everything is too much, the effort to pretend too exhausting. You lie there, staring at the ceiling, feeling like you’re drowning, like there’s no point in trying anymore.

The sadness sinks in, filling the emptiness left by the people who’ve left you.At first, it’s just a quiet ache, a numbness that settles over you like fog. But it grows, twisting and tightening inside yiu until it feels like there’s a black hole in your chest, pulling everything in, leaving nothing but darkness.

You start to wonder if it will ever go away, if you’ll ever feel happy again, or if this emptiness is all you’ll ever know. You wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with you, something broken that can’t be fixed. You try to tell yourself that things will get better, that the pain will pass, but it feels like a lie.

Every time you see Duri and Yeji smiling, every time you see them living their lives without you, it feels like another crack forming in your heart, another piece of you slipping away.

You start hurting yourself, hoping the physical pain will drown out the agony inside you. A small scratch here, a bruise there. It’s not enough to leave a scar, but it’s enough to feel something, anything, even if it’s just a brief reprieve from the hollow ache. But the relief is fleeting, and the shame that follows is overwhelming, weighing down on you until you can barely stand to look at yourself in the mirror.Wondering hos yiu went from that to sitting on the bathroom floor crying cause it hurt when yiu showered , it stung badly when you tried to lift your arms.

At times you found yourself silently begging your arms to stop bleeding.

Your parents notice, eventually. They see the dark circles under your eyes, the way you barely eat, barely speak, barely exist. They ask you what’s wrong, try to get you to open up, but the words stick in your throat, too heavy to say out loud. How can you explain something you don’t even fully understand?

They send you to therapy, hoping it will help.You sit in a room with pale walls and soft furniture, a stranger sitting across from you, watching you with gentle eyes and a patient smile. She asks you questions, tries to get you to talk about your feelings, to explain what’s going on in your mind.

But the words feel meaningless, like they’re floating away as soon as they leave your mouth.

You tell her about the rumor, about losing Duri and Yeji, about the loneliness that wraps around you like a cage. But she doesn’t know them, doesn’t know what it’s like to see them every day, laughing and smiling like nothing happened. She doesn’t understand the hollow ache in your chest, the constant fear that you’re not good enough, that you’ll never be good enough.

Therapy doesn’t make the loneliness go away. It doesn’t stop the sadness, doesn’t ease the anxiety that gnaws at you day and night. You still feel like a ghost, drifting through life, invisible and unwanted. You still cry yourself to sleep, pressing your hands over your mouth to muffle the sound, hoping your parents won’t hear.

At school, you watch the world move on without you.Duri and Yeji have new friends, new inside jokes, new memories that don’t include you. They don’t look at you, don’t acknowledge you, don’t seem to remember that you were ever a part of their lives. It’s like you’ve been erased, like you’re a forgotten character in a story that no one cares about anymore.

11th and 12th grade are no different each year feeling worse than the other but you pretend to be fine. You'll only burden them if you speak up. Your parents are already feeling with enough. Don't burden them any further.

You smiled at San brightly as you waved goodbye getting off the car, he's beeb worried to. He had seen your arms... but you had brushed it off.

Your mother asked you to come home early today, you told her you went out with friends,  she didn't have to know yiu didn't have any.

"Mom?" You called once you entered the mansion from your day out with 'friends', you let out a scoff as you heard some muffled voices from your parents study, that's where they always were if they weren't at work or outside "Y/n-ssi" one of the house helpers said with a kindtone

As much as you liked that woman you it was never your beat interest to learn much about her , or even her name so you just stuck to always calling her unnie. She led you to the dinning table where you saw your mother waiting while reading something from a magazine

"Mother." You greeted as you sat down after she gave you permission to "why arent you with your husband" You asked as you eyed her and she seemed off ... okay,  that woman always seemed off and on edge but today she seemed—off-er if that is even a word. You felt too numb to talk but you kept on.

"Y/n i need you to pack up quickly and when you are done dont waste time and head to the car you came with, youre going to your uncles." she spoke avoiding your earlier question while trying her best to not let her voice shake.

"what do you mean? Jiseok and I aren't on visiting terms" you answered earning a glare from your mother who let out a sigh.

"You're only going for the summer—" a loud gunshot was heard from the study before loud footsteps made their way to the dinning room where you were sat and as soon as they got there your eyes widened as several other gunshots rung throughout the house as the helpers and your mother dropped from where they were,blood oozing from their bodies and you sat there completely shocked.

A man with long hair and a neck tattoo of a butterfly on his throat made his way towards you , picked your chin up harshly and made you look up at him before chuckling at your shocked and terrified expression,  he looked back at another man who stood by the doorway drenched in Blood exchanged a few words with him before the one touching you looked back at you.

"P–please" you stuttered out, you weren't sure what you were begging for but that was the only word that came out as you tried not to shit yourself.

"You beg prettily little one" he said with a smirk before raising his gun and hitting you at the back of the head knocking you out cold "so I'll let you live a little longer , the moment I see you upclose again, you're dead , I'll find you, anywhere jiseok takes you,  i will find you" and with that he and the other made their way out before the police could arrive.

That... sounded too familiar

_____

An:  not sure if you've made it this far but if you have....

I'm not trying to pull the old your skin is not paper don't cut it move... just please find healthy ways to cope. Journal,  go for walks, run, exercise, meditate, do yoga, read, write , distract yourself from the negative feelings.

Please stay safe,eat well, sleep well and take care of yourself.