Chapter 123 The Compass

Where there is life, there is hopeI beg to assert... that as long as a man's heart beats,As long as a man's flesh quivers,I do not allow that a being gifted with thought and will can allow himself to despair.

-Journey to the Center of the Earth

Emma

Nate keeps me busy. He's trying very hard to keep me distracted, but he can't stop my mind from worrying about Burns.

It's been three days.

"Emma, what about this?" Finn sits down on the chair next to mine and shoves a drawing in my line of vision. On it is a long snake shaped figure, floating on round circles. The snake is yellow and purple, small wings sprout from its back.

"Almost," I say, "Dragons don't have wings though."

Finn crosses his arms and pouts. "They do too! I saw pictures in Sophie's books."

"Those are human dragons," I say, "real Dragons don't look like that. Their body is more like jelly."

"That's right," another voice agrees with me. I look up when a cup of tea is placed in front of me and Holden appears in my line of vision. He gives me a hesitant smile and sits down across from me. "The air on that planet is much thicker too, so it's almost like they're gliding through a thick pudding. It's more swimming than flying."

Finn stares at him a moment before leaving the table. He returns to his former seat, two tables over, and grabs another sheet of paper.

I turn my eyes to Holden again. "So, the Soul that wore your body was a Dragon too?" I ask.

His eyes narrow slightly and he gives a stiff nod. "Yellow Cloud," he mutters. It is silent for a while and I wonder what he wants since he's made it clear he's uncomfortable with me. "I have dreams sometimes," he says, "I mean... dreams that are not my own. They're... that creature's. I was just wondering... is that normal... do you..."

Now it's my turn to look away. Sky didn't have my body for long compared to him, but we were much more aware of each other from what I have gathered.

She liked it on her old planet. Her tumbles were admired by all who knew her. She liked it so much she stayed for three lifetimes.

And then she came here.

I remember details of the Dragon World. Some days I find myself surprised, looking for landmarks or objects that don't belong on Earth and I should have no knowledge of. The taste of jelly pudding makes me sick, even now.

"Yes," I say, "I dream about it too sometimes."

"I just don't get it," Holden says and I sigh. Here we go again. "You were being controlled by one of those creatures too, yet you're...involved with one. How can you stand it?"

"They're called Souls," I say pointedly.

"I know," Holden says stiffly.

Another silence. Then...

"The others told me the story. You made that creature go find that one, Burns. How? Why? Why would you want to? How could you fall in love with something like that?"

I sigh. I'm not even sure myself and I don't know how to explain it. I've tried before, but it's like explaining to Finn what a Dragon looks like.

Frustratingly impossible.

"I didn't want to be forgotten," I say, "I wanted to be remembered. Burns was the only one left that knew I had existed. I needed someone to remember." My finger traces the rim of my glass. "I don't even think I liked him much back then. I certainly didn't trust him. I just wanted to confirm my existence. Rub it in his face that I was gone."

Holden stares at me, trying to comprehend what I'm saying. "You didn't like him?" he says confused.

"I'm pretty sure I despised him," I muse. It seems so long ago.

Holden blinks. "So you didn't even know he would help you?"

"Him helping me wasn't even on my mind," I admit, "I just wanted her to stay away from that Seeker she liked. The Seeker that stole my life and planted her inside me."

Realization seems to dawn on him. "Patt," he says in wonder. He chuckles, but it sounds far from amused, rather dark and bitter.

"Yeah," I say, "Patt."

"So I should actually be thankful that creature captured you, or I wouldn't be sitting here right now."

That's one way of looking at it, I suppose. The irony of the situation is not lost on me.

"How did you make her look for Burns?" he asks curiously, "I was trapped inside for years, yet I never managed to control any aspect of my life. How did you do it?"

I shrug. "Power of suggestion? I just threw images of Burns at her until she drowned in them. She just had to know who he was. Though in all honestly, she might not have if Patt hadn't found himself a partner. I think that's what made her decide to give in. She wasn't that aware of me yet then."

Holden shakes his head in disbelieve. He leans his head on his hand and thinks a moment. "So then... how do you go from despising Burns to loving him? Is it just because he saved you?"

"No," I say, "I don't know exactly how it happened, but I know when I knew." My hand finds the small musical note around my neck and I feel myself smile at the memory. "He gave me this necklace and all fell into place. Everything I had been feeling whenever he smiled at her. When he held her hand. It wasn't annoyance. It was jealousy. I thought he had forgotten me, that he didn't care. But I was wrong."

Holden raises his eyebrow. "You mean he gave her that necklace."

I shake my head, my smile widening. "Sky didn't care for music. I did. And Burns knew that. He gave it to me. He knew I was still there, alongside Sky. I could sense it when he hesitated when Sky tried to kiss him. He knew I was there, and I knew I loved him." I sigh, my smile disappearing. "Unfortunately that was when Sky realized it too. That's when she first decided to skip hosts. That's when she realized I was much more aware than she had thought." I bite my lip. I still feel guilty about what followed, even though I shouldn't. It was my life after all. All I did was want it back. "She pieced it together in the end, but by then it was already too late."

Holden's face holds a thoughtful expression now. "I can't believe one of these creatures would betray its own kind for a human."

I let out a biter laugh. "Neither can I." I know I don't deserve it. I hadn't given him much reason to like me.

"And then you ended up here," Holden says.

"Yeah," I say, "it wasn't easy at first, but we found a home here."

Holden nods in thought and stares into his own cup.

"It's not about what he is," I say, "it's about who he is. You can trust him."

"I want to," Holden says, "but it's not that simple. Yellow Cloud was the worst of their kind. I was forced to watch them eliminate human beings. Do you know what that's like?" His eyes are narrowed and there's a sharp edge to his voice.

"No," I say, "I don't know what that's like, but I do know what it's like to have no control." I frown. "It helps to find things you have in common. I don't know much about you. What was your life like before? What did you like to do?"

He seems to have to think on it. Was it really that long ago? Could he have forgotten? Blake told me Holden had trouble remembering his name. Does he remember anything about his life?

"I had a dog," Holden finally says, "we used to run in the park. I was on the track team... I think." He frowns again. "Well... some sport at least. I remember running."

I nod. "What else?"

He thinks again. "I think I was an only child. I don't remember siblings. I would remember siblings, right?"

"Yeah," I say, remembering my parents are still looking for me according to my father's co-worker. He told Sky as much. "They would have tried to find you. Yellow Cloud would have tried to find them."

He scoffs. "How would you know that?"

I sigh. "Sky went looking for my parents and my friends. She returned to my hometown and spoke with my father's co-worker. He told her they had left town when I didn't return home. They went in search of me. Souls want to live their lives as similar to their hosts' as possible. And with all the resources they have, they would have found you."

Holden's frown returns. "So... that I never found my parents... does that mean they're not alive anymore?"

I bite my lip. "I don't know," I say honestly. Lots of things could have happened to them. I think back on the moment we found Finn, his parents killed by Seekers, by Patt and that woman that now lies buried next to Marcus. Yellow Cloud had not been there that time.

"I guess we'll never know huh," Holden says quietly. It makes him look rather lonely.

"Possibly," I tell him. Even though I knew my parents went looking for me, I never found out their fate, nor Ashley's. I may never find out what's become of her.

I don't even know if I want to anymore. What if I can't save her? What if she's already gone?

We sit in silence for a while, both lost in our own thoughts.

"I hear you jump in front of bullets for him," Holden breaks the silence.

"He would do the same for me," I answer, "I love him. I'm not going to let anyone hurt him."

"But you're not with him now," Holden muses.

I grip my glass tighter. That's something I don't like to be reminded of. It's unsettling to not have him near. I feel incomplete without him. "He's just trying to protect me," I say, more to myself than to him, "he'll be home soon. He always comes back."

"Like a pigeon," Holden smirks.

I stare at him confused. "Excuse me?"

"You know," he says, "messenger birds. They're being kept in pairs and then one of them is carried far away with a message attached. It's a misconception that they actually know where to deliver the message. They fly home because that is where their partner is."

A smile forms on my lips as I think of Burns as a messenger bird, flocking back to his nest, navigating the stars to find me, like a compass guiding a hiker home.

Only... it's Burns that is the compass. I would follow him anywhere. That's how much I trust him.

Unknowingly, Holden has managed to calm me down, the person I least expected to.

I look up and smile at him. "You should really get to know him. Promise me you'll give him a chance."

His smile disappears and he looks at the table. "I don't have much choice, do I? He's already accepted here. I'm the intruder."

I shake my head. "He doesn't see it that way. Neither do I. No one here does. I'm not saying you should become best friends, but at least treat him like a human being. Because that is what he is to me."

I know what he wants to say, that Burns is anything but. Still, he nods. "I'll try."

"And don't hurt him," I say, "ever."

The smirk returns. "You'd just jump in between as a shield anyway," but his eyes flicker in doubt when he sees my face.

"I'm done serving as a shield," I tell him sweetly, "I've done that too many times. I'm not catching bullets anymore. But I'll punch out your lights before you lift the gun."