Chapter 44 The Dragonslayer

Our faces are cold and tight smooth with rain, as if we were crying It’s not crying, it’srain and skin

 - “This View” – Further IV (translated)

Burns

 

This is more than I can bear. With every word I say, I feel like I’m deceiving her.

I know she likes me. She made that quite clear. And I wonder how things would have turned out if we’d met under different circumstances.

But we haven’t.

It is how it is.

And it’s not right.

My mind drifts towards the small object in my backpack. I picked it up at the pharmacy at the last moment, but I’m not sure I will be able to use it. And if I do, will I be able to live with myself?

But what if I don’t?

I turn on the wipers. A soft rain has started to fall and it adds to my distress.

Sky’s earlier question keeps playing through my mind.

 “Would you still like me in a different body?”

 I let out a sigh. Was it a rhetorical question? Or would she…

I know about jumpers. It’s not talked about, because it’s considered improper. It’s wasting a life. And every life is precious.

I glance at Sky. Does she share my opinion? Is all life precious? Even human life?

“You’re so quiet,”  Sky says, “is something wrong?” “Hm? No, I was just… focused on the road. I’m not sure what exit to take.” Lying has become so easy. Lately it seems it’s all I’m doing. Lying to my friends, to Sky, but most of all to myself.

Sky unfolds the road map and studies it for a moment. “I think it’s the next one,” she glances up, “yes, look. There’s a sign there.” I nod quietly and take the exit.Life was easier before I met Emma. I knew my purpose then. And Earth was just another planet to explore.

Things have become so complicated now.

“Do you want me to drive?” Sky suddenly asks, “you drove all of yesterday too.” I manage a smile. “I don’t mind.”"But you must be tired…”“I’m fine.” It came out harsher than I intended and I sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night and this morning when I saw the Seekers… I’m just a little on edge.” Sky bites her lip. “I never thought there would still be humans out there. How is it possible? How could they stay undetected for so long?” Questions I have asked myself many times.“Earth is the only planet where the assimilation turned into a war,” I say softly, “no one else fought back.”“Yes, they told me before coming here,” Sky nods, “but I still thought we had fully assimilated this planet.” I keep quiet for a moment and Sky turns on the radio. “They didn’t say anything on the news,” she notes.“I suppose they don’t want people to panic,” I say, “besides, the Seekers are there to make sure the don’t pose a threat.” Sky bites her lip. “Patt mentioned something last time I saw him. There were extra patrols in the area. He said not to worry. Do you think there were humans there too?” My hands tighten around the wheel. Could it be possible? “I don’t know,” I mumble. I let out a sigh. “Somewhere it’s admirable, don’t you think? They’re not giving up. That must mean something.” Sky wraps her arms around herself and shivers. “Have you forgotten what shape this world was in before we took over? So much violence and hate. Pollution. They ruined this world. They don’t deserve it.” The last few words are almost inaudible and strangely enough, they hurt me. I think about Emma. She wasn’t cruel or hateful. She was just scared. And sad. She missed her family and friends.

They are gone.

We did that.

We are responsible for her pain.

And that is something I can’t live with.

It’s not supposed to be this way. We are supposed to make a planet better. Our goal is to heal and repair, not to destroy and cause grief.

Were we wrong by coming here?

Were we wrong all along?

I turn the car off the highway and drive towards the gas station. My tank is almost empty.“I’ll be in the store,” Sky says, “and get us something to eat, okay? And I need to use the restroom.”“Sure,” I say absentminded. I fill up the car and wait for her to return. My eyes fall on he case in the trunk. The guitar I bought for Emma. I’m not sure why I packed it. I run my hand over it. I’d love to hear her play it again, but Sky doesn’t play. I sigh and close the trunk.Sky is coming out of the store with a bag of cookies in her hand and two cups. “I brought coffee.” “Just the coffee?” I tease, “or can I have a cookie too?” Sky’s eyes go wide. “Of course you can have one. I didn’t mean they were mine.” “I was just joking, Sky.” She blushed. “I knew that. “I smile. It really isn’t fair. Sky is nice. She deserves a life just as much as anyone does. Should I really value one life over another?I take a cookie from the bag and take a bite. Chocolate. “Nice,”  I smile, “thank you.” “You’re welcome."“Ready to go?” I ask and she nods. I wait for her to get into the car.“I can’t wait to get in Vegas,” Sky says as she looks at the landscape.“Really? Why is that?” She gasps and I notice the tension in her muscles. Did I say something wrong?“I’m excited to start something new,” she explains.“We could keep driving,” I reply, “and arrive in Vegas tonight instead of staying in a motel another night.” She looks at me and thinks it over. “Yes. Maybe that would be a good idea.” She nods. “Let’s do it.” “Okay,” I agree. I’m suddenly nervous.Again, my mind wanders to my backpack. If I go through with this, will it be murder? I’m ending a life, but she would not die.But would Emma?I have no idea how aware she is, how present.If Sky is no longer there, what will happen to Emma? Is Sky keeping her conscious? Is that why she is still here?I bite my lip. I know how to do the procedure. Every Soul does. We have to be able to perform it in case of emergency. But is this an emergency?And to know how to do something in theory is not the same as the actual act. I’ve never done this before. And I’m betraying my own kind if I do.I glance at Sky. I’ll be hurting someone I care about.I’m glad with the miles we still have ahead of us. I’ll need that time to think.

***

The first building we pass as we arrive in Las Vegas is an Insertion Center. Sky stares at it intensely. “It’s so big.” “It’s the largest one on the planet,” I nod. I take a left run towards our hotel. “Look,” I point, “you can see part of the Canyon from here.” Sky follows my finger and a faint smile spreads over her face. The last rays of sunlight give the sight a magical glow. We arrive at the hotel and unload the car. Sky takes a look around. “How far away from the Insertion Center are we?” “A few blocks,” I answer, “why?” She shakes her head. “Nothing. No reason.”But there’s something about the way she says it that worries me and I remember her earlier question again.

 “Would you still like me in a different body?”

 I exhale slowly. “Come on,” I say, “let’s find a room.” 

***

There’s tension between us and we both know it, but I have no way of making it better. And I don’t have the will to try.

Slowly I unpack my bags while Sky is studying the scenery outside. We’re on the fifteenth floor, so we have a nice view over the area, but for once I’m not interested in the landscape. We are both quiet, both lost in our own thoughts. I’m afraid to break that silence, afraid of losing my resolve.My hands lock around a small object and I close my eyes. I’m trembling all over my body.Am I doing the right thing?When Sky clears her throat I turn around. “I’m…going for a walk,” she says softly.“Alright,” I answer just as quiet, “I’ll come with you.”“No,” she states. She looks pale. “I... need to do this alone. I won’t be long. I promise. I just… need to clear my head.” “Are you alright?” “I will be,” she whispers. The smile she gives me is the saddest I’ve ever seen.

And I know.

I know where she’s going.

And I can’t let her.

“Sky,” I say just before she reaches the door. She turns to face me and I walk up to her. My hand tightens around the small tube I’m holding.

I swallow the lump in my throat.

Am I doing the right thing?

“What is it?” she asks concerned when she sees my expression. I wonder what’s there to see.

Sorrow?

Guilt?

Pain?

“Don’t go,” I whisper.She searches my face. “I’m coming back.” “No,” I say, “I mean… don’t…” Her face changes when she realizes what I’m saying. Her eyes are wide and she turn even paler. “You know.” A pause.“You know her.”“I’m sorry,” I say and I raise my hand. She slumps against me before she realizes what’s happening.

There’s only one thing we’ve kept from human medicine and that’s sedative. The spray is very strong, but I’ll have to work fast.I carry her towards the bed. I need No Pain, Clean, Seal, Heal and Smooth. No. I need a cryotank first.I run a hand though my hair. I didn’t think this through at all.What if it doesn’t work? Then I’ll have killed them both.I growl in frustration and my eyes fall on a small object on the floor.When I take a closer look I see it’s the prism I gave her. I automatically pick it up and turn it over in my hands. She must have dropped it.

My legs give out and I slump against the bed.

I hide my head in my hands and cry.

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A/N This is the most intense chapter I wrote so far, but also one of my favorites :)