Ch 118

I awoke to no one by my side. 

No one was here to greet me, no comfort me or to make sure I was ok. 

I was completely alone. 

I did not feel any better than I did before, I honestly just let the same. 

Neither progress or decline. 

I didn't really need to put my mind on it, so I got the courage to get up. I shift my weight, pushing myself upright. 

My legs dangle off the bed, and I twist my torso slightly, feeling the muscles stretch. Slowly, I lower my feet to the cool floor, grounding myself in the present moment. 

And then I stayed like that. I didn't move, and for once in a while, I didn't think so much. I want this feeling to continue. 

Absolute emptiness. Nothing thought, nothing said. 

It's just nothing. 

No pain, no sadness. 

I can't stay forever like this. When reality comes crashing down again, it will hit me with full force. 

I don't want that. 

My mind is slightly more clear, I understand that I have a problem that I need to fix. I have many actually. Too many. Way too many. 

An involuntary sigh leaves my lips, heavy with all the weight that is on my shoulders. 

The fact of knowing doesn't help at all. I know I need help, but that doesn't immediately mean I know how to get better. 

It doesn't help me. 

You could say it's one step in 100 that I need to take. But one step doesn't get you that much closer. 

More tears well up in my eyes, falling freely. It hurts more to keep them in. Plus, I'm alone. I can let them out without being seen. 

I feel the weight building in my chest, tight and heavy, and it's as if I've been holding my breath for so long I'm going to burst. 

For so long, I've tried to hold it in—tried to be strong, tried to keep everything together. But now, it's all slipping through my fingers, and I can't stop it anymore. 

My breath hitches, a tremor shakes through my body, and finally, the tears come down. They start slowly, a few drops at first, then faster, like a dam breaking open. 

My cheeks grow wet, and I feel the heat of the tears as they fall, leaving streaks down my face. My throat aches as sobs begin to wrack through me. 

I can't keep it in. There is no silent crying, this will be loud, messy and terrifying. 

Each cry feels like it's coming from the very core of me, something deep and raw. It's an exhausting release, my whole body trembling with each tear that falls. 

My chest tightens, and my heart aches, but it's almost a relief, like I've been holding onto something that was never meant to stay in. 

I let myself feel it—every ache, every raw emotion that comes crashing down. I don't try to stop it anymore. I just let go. And in the letting go, there's a strange kind of freedom. 

It's painful, it's scary and it's what I needed. I can't help it and I won't stop it. 

I drop to the fall, the cold marble sending a shock through my system. My sobs get louder, my voice cracks, my eyes hurt. 

Everything hurts. 

I'd rather feel physical pain than this. Anything but this. 

I bring my hands up to my face, almost like I'm shielding it. But from who? I'm not sure. Maybe myself. 

My mind doesn't think, it just feels. 

I somehow stand up, making my way to the bathroom. I want to see. I look in front of the mirror. The same one I've used for a while. 

And I see... 

My mom. 

My dad. 

I see an Uchiha. 

I see a regular villager. 

I see a child. 

I see a teen. 

I see an adult. 

All crying at once. 

All releasing what should've been let go long ago. 

And I see myself. 

All grown up. 

Still learning, but mature. 

Crying, but letting go. 

And... 

I tried to smile. I lifted the corners of my lips, raising them higher and higher until it feels like a true smile. 

I can't do it. 

It was forced. It was sad. There was no happiness. It wasn't a true smile. 

I drop my smile, my lips going into a frown. 

I turn on my sharingan, the bright red almost lighting up the dim room. 

I stare into my eyes, I stare into the eyes of many women before me. 

The eyes of my mother, who I have made see myself at my lowest. 

"I'm sorry mama..." 

I voice out. A whisper, barely audible, even to me. 

"I'm sorry dad..." 

I continue. 

"I'm sorry everyone..." 

I look down at the grand, I'm too ashamed to even look at myself. 

I look like a mix between my parents. I look like them both. How could I ever forget what they look like, I see them every time I look in the mirror. 

I finally do look up at myself. 

"I..." 

I try to voice out what I'm feeling. I try to speak what I have not spoken. 

I try to... 

"I'm sorry..." 

I don't know who that sorry is for. 

Actually I do... 

I know who it is for. But I can't say sorry to them. 

I can't do it to her. Not right now. 

She is the one who deserves it the most. 

I hurt her and say sorry like if that's gonna do anything. 

There comes a time when silence is betrayal. 

But saying it also feels like a betrayal. 

I can't say it now because I'll probably hurt her again. I don't want to hurt her. But I will. 

I want to fully say sorry and mean it. I want to say sorry, and actually never hurt her again. 

She is... 

Precious. 

She is amazing. 

She is beautiful. 

She is everything to me. 

But I can't do that to her. I don't deserve her. It will get better. This will get better. I will look back on these moments and understand. I will look back on these moments and laugh. 

But right now, I can't. I need to get out of here. If this continues to go on, I will not survive. 

I won't survive myself. 

I can't believe I've gone this far. I can't believe I've gotten this bad. 

I... 

I blink back into reality. Being lost in thought, daydreaming while looking into the sharingan. What is wrong with me? 

But then, I got an idea. 

What if I... 

I blink, and in the next moment. I am in darkness. I see nothing, I hear nothing. 

But then I hear something faint. I walk closer to the sound. 

It sounds like... 

Laughter? 

I make a break for it, running like I am being chased. 

I run for my life to where I hear laughing. 

I see a figure. I see another. And another. 

I run faster and faster. But then I make out what I see, and I stop dead in my tracks. 

It's me. 

But younger... 

I look to be 11 years old. And I'm surrounded by people. 

Mom... 

Dad... 

Itachi... 

Shisui... 

Sasuke... 

And... 

Naruto... 

They are all surrounding her, laughing and smiling with such happiness. Is that what we looked like...? 

Is that how my life was...? 

I see others coming in. 

Kakashi... 

Might Guy... 

Shikamaru...

Hinata...

 I see everyone from the village that I know and love surrounding her. All with smiles on their faces... 

I see... 

I hold my breath, unable to breath. 

I see Kushina and Minato... 

Everyone that loves... her. 

They all love her. 

But then, they all suddenly quiet down. 

Then, without moving their bodies, they turn their heads in my direction. 

I feel their eyes on me, cold and unblinking, like a thousand invisible needles piercing my skin. The air is suffocating, pressing in from all sides. 

I glance around, but they're all focused on me—people I love and recognize, standing motionless. Their faces are blank, empty, not a single twitch or movement, just wide, unyielding stares. 

My heart races, breath shallow. I try to move, but my legs feel like stone. I can't escape it, the weight of their gaze trapping me in place. I want to scream, but something inside me tells me I shouldn't—something is very wrong. 

"It is..." 

They start, and voices in unison. 

"...all your fault." 

My heart drops to my stomach as their stares turn to glares. Hatful as if they're looking at trash. 

"We don't love you, we don't think of you." 

No. 

No, please don't say that. 

Not in their voices. 

Not with their faces. 

"You are nothing." 

They are in sync, voices mashing together creepily. 

"We don't care if you live or die. We-" 

I blink, and I am back to looking at my reflection with my sharingan activated. 

My eyes are wide and tears are relentlessly falling. 

I don't waste a moment before I turn around and immediately start packing my things. I don't waste a single moment as I just start stuffing everything into bags and then scrolls. 

I am breathing heavily, panting and laboured as my head gets heavy. I feel light headed. My eyes burn as if they were set on fire. 

I just grab everything I can, everything I own and throw it in. 

Someone's behind me. 

I turn my head, giving him a glare. 

"I am in no mood for your tricks, Kabuto. Leave." 

My breathing becomes shaky as I feel like I'm about to pass out. 

What does he want? He attacked me just yesterday. Does he want to try and hurt me again? 

Why? Why does he want to hurt me? 

I haven't done anything. If I had done something to get this response please tell me! 

I didn't mean whatever I did. 

I don't want this! 

Please! 

Stop it! 

"Ishi..." 

He moves closer. I see something shiny in his hands. 

Is it a weapon? A kunai? 

Oh my God. Seriously? 

He wants to kill me? 

Does that mean? 

Orochimari wants to kill me? 

Sasuke too? 

They all want me dead? 

Everyone wants me dead? 

No! 

Please. 

Please! 

No...

No...

No...

No...

No...

No...

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No. 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No!  

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No! 

No!

No! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

NO! 

I didn't even think before my hand grabbed a kunai and threw it at him. 

"I said leave! LEAVE!" 

I gasp in shock, my mind registering what I just did. 

I see a line of blood running down Kabuto's cheek. 

I cut his cheek. 

I hurt him? 

I hurt him. 

I hurt him! 

I glanced down at my hands.

I glanced down at his hand only to see a little bottle. 

I didn't see his eyes. His lips were in a thin line. 

He placed the bottle on the ground and left my room. I heard his steps slowly fade as I grabbed the bottle. 

It was food pills. 

He gave me... 

I keep the bottle in my hand, looking up at the ceiling. I let out a breath, sounding more like a sob. 

What is happening to me... 

It's... 

It has.. 

It has been so long. 

I'm not just talking about Orochimaru. I'm talking about this whole world. It is now mine. I do not belong to the other world anymore. 

I can't even say the 'real world' anymore because this is just as real as any other. I have bled, I have cried and I have experienced. 

This is my world. 

My memories and the people I love are all in this world. I did have ones that I called my family, but all I remember is the feeling. 

I don't know their names and I don't know their faces. When I think of family, I imagine the people here. 

Not there. 

And that same family that I always think of, I've hurt them. 

I'm still hurting them. 

I've made many mistakes. 

I know that. 

I knew that. 

But... 

I'm so selfish. I only think of myself. I only think about what I want. I'm no better than the very same people who I curse. I don't deserve them. They deserve better. 

I know it's just the emotions talking but I can't help it. The thoughts creep in and stay, whether I want them to or not. 

The intrusive thought about how I am my own enemy is just heartbreaking. I make my own situation worse. 

And when it is all happening, I take it out on the others. I take it out on myself. 

It isn't healthy. 

I want to get better. 

But how? 

I stand up, taking the bottle and putting it with the rest of my stuff. I make my way to the opening of the cave. 

I saw no one until then. 

But I see him. 

Orochimaru. 

He isn't smiling. He isn't frowning. He doesn't look happy. He doesn't look sad. He doesn't look angry. 

"Leaving now?" 

His voice is soft, he's being gentle with me. Didn't know he could be. 

"Yes..." 

My voice is hoarse, I just don't care at the moment. This might be the last time we see each other. It's a weird feeling. 

I came to him on my own accord and am leaving the same way. 

But different. 

Changed. 

Orochimaru let out a breath, almost sounding like a sigh. 

"You know where to find me." 

Does he think I'll chicken out? He said no one trusts me and that I have trouble trusting them. 

He isn't wrong but... 

"Orochimaru?" 

I asked, my voice soft. 

"Yes, my dear." 

He answered, waiting for what I was about to see. I finally met his gaze, my eyes meeting his. I don't know what I will say. 

Will I thank him? Will I curse him out? 

Will I... 

For the first time, I gave him a smile. A small one but genuine. 

"I'd rather die than let you be right about this." 

I don't wait to hear his response. I can't wait to hear his response. I jump away, running away from where I have been staying for the past many years. 

A/n I seriously love and hate writing these scenes. While I know many of you want to read a silly story and such, but I want to exercise my writing and do something I haven't really seen on this app. So sorry and Enjoy~