Chapter 83

Esined

I was in my room, blankly staring at the tv. My phone was blowing up with calls and texts from August. I had ignored all of them. I didn't know what to say to him. I wanted to forget that it happened. I didn't want to see August in that way. I didn't want to see him as someone who would hurt me on purpose.

I began to piece things together. I knew how August knew where I was.

I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. I went to the friend finding app that he installed on my phone and deleted my account. I deleted the app too.

I started to lock my phone, but I accidentally clicked on a message from August.

I read words from his last message and it made me want to read more.

I began to scroll through the long text messages that he sent me. I sighed before locking my phone.

I wiped a tear that fell from my eye. I couldn't control the tears that fell after. I covered my hands with my face and sniffed as I wiped my tears away.

"Knock knock," Brandon said, slowly pushing at my door. "Are you decent?"

"Yes," my voice cracked slightly.

He stepped into my room and frowned. "What's wrong, princess?" he closed the door behind him.

Honestly, this was something I wouldn't tell Brandon or anyone about. Simply because I didn't want anyone to see August as something he wasn't. I didn't want to make him seem like he was some evil guy. I knew he was a good guy, but he was just having a moment. At least I hoped he was and I hoped that it would never happen again.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just thinking a lot,"

"Wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I'll be okay," I wiped my tears.

"I don't believe it," he admitted. "What happened to your arms?"

I sighed. "Nothing,"

"Did August do it?"

"No," I denied quickly.

"Who did it?"

I thought of a quick lie. "August and I were out. Some guy was trying to get my number and he wouldn't let me go. August handled it though,"

"Good thing August was there," Brandon sighed. "That guy could have really hurt you,"

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"I don't see why some guys are so insecure. They can't take rejection. Masculinity is so fragile now,"

"Honestly," I agreed.

"And these parents need to teach their kids how to take rejection," he sighed as he observed my arms. "I'm sorry that happened to you,"

I shrugged it off. "Did you need something?"

"I just came to check on you. Eric called for you today,"

"Did you answer?"

"You know damn well I did not,"

I started laughing and so did he.

"It said you have a collect call from Eric Evans and I hung it up,"

I laughed more. "You're so petty,"

"At least you know," he chuckled. "Did you ever talk to your mama about the DNA tests?"

"I did. She doesn't want us to do it,"

"And what are we gonna do about that?"

"Leave it alone?"

Brandon shook his head. "Nah. We're gonna get our results anyway. You're eighteen, we don't need her permission,"

"This isn't gonna turn out well,"

"I don't care,"

"We're gonna feel so salty, if we do all this sneaking and the results say you aren't my dad,"

"I won't feel salty. We'll still have our bond and I'll see you as my daughter regardless,"

I smiled. "Is that why you called me Princess when you came in?"

"You caught that?"

I nodded.

"Well, yeah. I don't have a nickname for you, so I'm just testing which ones sound right,"

"Don't call me Caterpillar," I said.

"Okay, but may I ask why not?"

"Don called me Caterpillar,"

"That's a weird nickname to give someone," he laughed a little.

I actually loved the nickname, but I wouldn't admit it because of how Don turned out to be.

"I guess,"

"Why'd he call you that?"

"Because I was a lot more insecure when I moved out here. It was for my confidence. Every time Eric would bring me down and break my character, Don was on the side with his tools," I laughed a little. "Ready to fix my problems. He told me that as I got older, things would bother me less. He said I was like a caterpillar. He said I would prove everyone wrong. That I'd be strong and beautiful in the end. He told me I just have to find my wings,"

"That's so sweet," Brandon said. " I guess that wasn't such a bad nickname,"

"Yeah. And even though he's a shitty person now... I'll forever be thankful of him for when it seemed like he was there for me,"

"You have such a big heart,"

"You think so?"

"Mhm. So many people do you wrong and you still look at all the good they've done. It's a good, but dangerous mindset to have. People will take advantage of you and use you. You're smart, so I think you'd remove them from your life,"

"I know when people are using me. For some reason, I keep them around and pretend they're not,"

"Why?"

"I don't wanna be alone," I admitted. "After all those years of never having a friend, I feel desperate to have one. That's why I'm so vulnerable. I let people hurt me when I know they shouldn't. I know it's not good to be that way, but I can't help it. I'd do anything just so I won't be alone. I've been rejected so much, I just stay around people who shouldn't be around me. My biggest fear is being alone and rejected. I've always been an out cast,"

He frowned. "Like you worked for that guy who always brought you down?"

"Yeah,"

"What about when you stood up to him, and showed the whole audience that you couldn't fit that dress?"

"I only did that because of August," I mumbled. "If it wasn't for him, I'd honestly still be signed to that company. I wouldn't have left. I'd be there and I'd continue to be the arm rest for his other models,"

"Other meaning white?"

I nodded.

"It seems like August helps you get out of situations like that. He doesn't like to see anyone belittle or use you,"

"He doesn't," I mumbled. "He hates it,"

"You pretend that you're okay with being used and mistreated because you were for so long. Eric shaped and molded your mindset. He changed you and you know it. Now, you have to reshape and mold yourself. You don't want to be walked on and submissive, do you?"

"No," I said.

"Use your voice. Don't let people treat you like shit,"

"It's hard for me to do that because I don't like people being upset with me,"

"Who cares? Honestly, someone being mad at you is nothing. They'll get over it. It's better for you to be respected than to care about their feelings. You think they care about your feelings when they make you feel like crap?"

"I don't know-"

"You know they don't," Brandon said. "You think Eric gave a shit when he was hurting you?"

I shook my head. "No,"

"Then what makes you think someone else will? For crying out loud, he was your so called father and he treated you like a random person off the streets," Brandon stood up and began walking back and forth.

"The man that is supposed to love and take care of you the most, before you get a husband, is your father. He is supposed to set the example of how you are supposed to be treated. He is supposed to be the one who helps you set your standards. Eric fucked that all up and now you can't stop settling for less than what you're worth!" he snapped, causing me to jump.

The bass in his voice had frightened me.

I looked at him strangely and he stopped in his footsteps. Brandon took a deep breath and wiped his face down.

"I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm yelling at you, because I'm not. I just get really pissed off at the thought of shit dads. I didn't mean to scare you or anything,"

I cleared my throat. "I know,"

"I just want what's best for you," he said in a more gentle tone. "And to know that a coward made you feel less and invalid to the point where you allow others to hurt you,"

"Brandon, it's okay,"

"It's not okay, Esined. Everything is not okay,"

I stayed quiet.

"I wish I would have known about you. I would have got a DNA test and took you from all of that,"

"Why do you care so much?"

"I care because I love you like you're my own, and you know that,"

It was quiet for a moment.

I didn't know what to say and I guess he didn't either.

Brandon suddenly left and closed my door behind him.

I sighed and sat back down on my bed.

Brandon's words lingered in my mind and I thought deeply about it.

I thought about it so much that I fell asleep.

Sunday

It had been two days and I received endless calls and texts from August. He wouldn't leave me alone.

August was supposed to talk to Erica today, but I didn't want him around. I didn't want to go to church because I knew I'd see him.

I couldn't hide forever, so I decided to stop hiding.

What he did wasn't too serious to me because I had experienced worse. I was just shocked and disappointed that he was so aggressive towards me. Especially knowing my past.

I sat in the pews with Erica, Mama, and Brandon. I felt August's presence next to me.

He took his usual seat beside me and stayed quiet.

The service went on and it was hard for me to focus. I wanted to stop hiding, but I didn't think August deserved to hear from me. He didn't deserve to be back on good terms with me yet.

As the service came to an end, August reached for my hand during the prayer. I moved my hand away from him and turned my back on him.

"Amen," everyone said after the long prayer came to an end.

"Esined," August said.

I continued to prepare to leave as if I hadn't heard his voice. Of course, he followed me.

"I don't want to see you right now," I told him.

"Pooh, I'm sorry. Listen ta me," he grabbed my wrist and I pulled away from him.

We got quiet as elders passed by us.

"Can you just hea' me out?" he asked.

"What part of I don't want to see you right now did you not understand?" I asked.

"I just don't wanna go anotha day without fixin' dis,"

"I need time,"

"Can I get a date or somethin'? When will you be ready to talk?"

"I'll see you when I'm ready to see you, August," I sighed. "You're making this harder than it has to be. I just want another day or two. I need to get my mind and thoughts together, so I can be open minded,"

"Okay," he mumbled. "I'll leave you alone..."

I stayed silent and Erica came outside. She came over to us and August took that as his cue to leave.

"August, are you still coming over today?" she asked him.

He glanced at me then cleared his throat. "Nah. I'm sorry. Maybe in a few days. I'm busy,"

"Oh okay," she frowned for a moment, but she perked up again. "I guess I'll see you then,"

August looked at me again and walked off.

"What was that?" Erica asked..

"It was nothing," I said.

"You two haven't spoke in a few days. The house has been quiet with you being in your room all day. You don't even like being alone. That's weird, Esined,"

"I guess people change, right? You make it seem like being alone isn't so bad, so I decided to give it a try,"

"Being alone isn't your scene though,"

"Erica," I sighed in frustration.

"Okay," she laughed a little. "I'm sorry,"

"Were you riding with me?"

"Yeah,"

I opened the door for Erica and she got in. I got in the drivers seat and closed the door.

"Where do you wanna go? Home or somewhere?"

"Wanna go to the park and go for a walk? I have to be active,"

"Sure,"

Once we got to the park, we walked along the track.

"I'm getting bigger," Erica said.

"I bet, you're further along than I thought,"

"Mama said I can do online school. Brandon said he'd help me,"

"Is that what you want?"

"Yeah,"

"Then that's good,"

"But Mama is talking about quitting her job so she can stay home with me and Leinad more often," she shook her head. "I don't know how to convince her that I don't need her to stay home,"

"Gain her trust,"

"I don't even know how I lost it. I don't do anything. I get permission from her with everything I do,"

I shrugged. "Well, I don't know how you lost it either. You know Mama has her days. Some days she cares, some days she doesn't,"

"Guess it depends on if Brandon slept in the bed with her or not," she mumbled.

"Erica," I tried to refrain from laughing. "Don't be disrespectful,"

Now, I wasn't laughing at what she said, but I laughed at her having the guts to say it. We knew that Mama and Brandon didn't have the best relationship and they were on the rocks. They tried to hide it, but we knew that they argued.

"It seems like Mama doesn't like the thought of being with a man who actually loves her kids... Instead of beating there asses or hiding them from the world,"

"Watch it," I warned.

"You know it's true," she sighed. "I know why Mama doesn't like me,"

"She does love you,"

"I said like, not love. Mama doesn't like me,"

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I stand up for myself,"

"I do too,"

"Barely,"

I frowned. "I do stand up for myself,"

"Sometimes, but not all the time. She hates that I point out when she's wrong,"

"Well, there's a difference between talking to, talking with, and talking back. You become very smart mouthed with her. You don't hold back,"

"I just refused to be silenced,"

"There's just some things you don't throw back at anyone. Especially not your mama,"

"A little hypocritical, but I understand," she said.

"I know. We just have to watch our mouths. We need to see how she thinks and learn how to speak with her.  Seems like our bonds aren't strong anymore. I know she thinks that we're always against everything she says,"

"Because every time she speaks, it seems so illogical. She just demands respect from us because she's grown. I wish she was like other moms,"

"Well all mamas aren't the same and we got our for a reason. We can't switch,"

"You can't. I can. I got five years for someone to adopt me," she joked, at least I was hoping she was.

"Erica,"

"I'm kidding. Geesh, Esined," she laughed and so did I.

"You're such an ass, I never know when you're kidding or not,"

"Well, I'm kidding. Even though we don't have the best mama, I do hope that our bonds with her get better,"

"Me too," I sighed.

Erica and I continued walking along the track and talking. Our conversation was cut short when I received a call from Mel, telling me that Viola was in labor.

Being the god mother of her child, I had and wanted to be there.

I took Erica with me and we got her gifts first. Although I spoiled her with gifts for the baby already, I hadn't bought her a gift. So that's what Erica and I did. Then we made our way over to the hospital. We got Viola's room number and knocked. Mel let us in and Viola frowned as soon as she saw me.

"Ugh. I told you to stop buying things until the baby arrives," Viola whined.

"I didn't. Erica and I got this for you,"

"Awe, thank you," she smiled.

We sat with Viola for hours. The room became a little tense when August showed up, but it wasn't too bad.

"How was your first day at work?" Mel asked him.

"It's work," he shrugged and took a seat.

"What's wrong with you?"

August didn't respond. He took out his phone and then Mel looked at his.

Mel looked at him. "Where is he?"

"What's going on?" Viola asked.

Mel told her he was going to the hallway. "Esined, can you come out hea wit me?"

I slowly stood up, confused. I followed him outside. "What's up?"

"Aiight. It's clear that y'all got a problem. Since you won't hea' him out, I'm hopin' dat you'll listen ta me,"

I sighed and folded my arms.

"To put it simply, he wasn't himself when he did dat. I know my brotha and I know he'd neva put his hands on a girl, especially not you. He already know what's good if I find out about him putting his hands on a woman," Mel said.

"Travis really lost his mind dis time. Look, I don't know what's goin' on, but you gotta make it clear that you don't want him. He's crazy, honestly. He done made up this thought in his head dat you want him ta get in between you and August," he explained.

"I didn't lead him on or anything, I swear. I always watch what I say around guys. I was just being nice to him because he told me that he felt mistreated in the house," I sighed. "What does this even have to do with Travis?"

He opened the door and told August to come out.

August quietly stood in the hall with us.

"She wanna know what happened," Mel said.

August took a deep breath. "Travis hid my pills from me fa two days and I was losing it. When he gave them back to me, they weren't my pills. They were some other pills and they had me losin' it. I was pissed and then Travis kept on messin' wit me. He showed me Keenon's posts and you were in them. I snapped," he explained.

"That is so low," I said in shock. I looked at Mel and he already knew.

"I'll give y'all some privacy," He went back into the room with Erica and Viola.

"I should have listened-" I started, but August cut me off.

"None of dis was yo fault. You ain't deserve it at all. I wanna genuinely apologize," he said. "I know I suck at apologizing, but just try ta hea' me out,"

I stayed quiet.

"I should have known better. I shouldn't have listened ta Travis. I just want you ta know dat I'd neva grab you like dat. Especially knowin' your past and whatchu been through. I wouldn't wanna put you through it again. You know how much I love you, girl?" he took my hands in his. "I don't wanna hurt you. Especially not intentionally,"

I twisted my lips to the side as I listened to him. "Can I speak?"

"Yeah,"

"I'll be honest with you, I'm tired of your insecurities. If your insecurities can get you to the point where you can raise your voice at me, on meds or not, that's a problem. You know how your temper is and you know what you need to do to control it,"

"You're right,"

"And, Chantelle is no longer an excuse for you to just assume that I'm cheating. We've been together for a while and I have no reason to cheat. If I'm unhappy or wanna see other people, I'll let you know. I have no reason to sneak around you. And I don't want anyone else besides you, August,"

"So I'm saying this, I'm tired of reassuring you and I'm tired of you assuming that I'm cheating. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to build and grow with you. I don't want your apology. Just show me a change in your actions, okay?" I stared into his eyes.

Biting his lip, he nodded. "I hea' and agree wit you one hundred and ten percent. I'll do betta, aiight?"

"What did I just say?"

"What?"

"Show me, don't tell me,"

"I will," he said. "We good?"

"We're okay," I said, causing him to frown.

I wouldn't hold it against him much because I knew that it was a lot of Travis' fault. I wasn't gonna let August back in so quick because he still made the effort to drive out and cause a scene.

"Just okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. We're okay,"

"What is dat supposed ta mean?"

I shrugged. "Whatever you want it to mean,"

"Does dat mean I can't get no hugs or kisses?"

"I haven't decided yet,"

"Awe, c'mom, Pooh," he whined.

"Excuse me, I have to go sit with Viola," I said.

August complained as he followed me back into the room. I couldn't help but to laugh.

-Hi.

I hope y'all heard Brandon. 🙂

I have questions for y'all.

How would y'all have handled that if y'all were Esined?

Do y'all think she's forgiving him too easily again?

Did y'all think August's apology could have been better, or should he show his apology through his actions?

Btw, Brandon isn't feeling some type of way about August. He was speaking in general when he said Esined settles for less. He likes August lmao.

I'm tryin' not to reveal too much. Just know I'm up to something. Something that has... Drama.

Had to give y'all some happiness at the end... before I ruin y'all lives 🙂

Luh y'all tho.

Any questions?

Excuse typos please.

Comments & Votes are appreciated.

Much love, Shia. Xoxo