~15~ Just one day

~15~ Just one day

When I arrived at my apartment, I went to the closet, took out Seo Joon's cardigan and pressed it firmly against me. I looked at his picture and tried to remember how his voice sounded. How his touches felt and how his heart sounded when it was still beating.

Every night I lay with my head on Seo Joon's chest and listened to the rhythmic beating of his heart until I fell asleep and he stroked my head. He ran his fingers through my hair and with his other hand, he held me tight.

I remembered how he once said to me, "I hope we'll still fall asleep in 50 years as we do today." Well, unfortunately, in 50 years, he and I won't fall asleep like that. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to fall asleep like that in over two years.

With the cardigan in my arms, I lie down on the bed and look at a picture of Seo Joon. I remembered the day I shot it. One of many pictures that day. On a day when we were just happy and spent time together without worries after he was finally through with his exams.

Since his death I often wished I could spend another day with him. Just one day, I would be happy with that already. To be able to see him again, to take him in my arms, to feel his warmth. Hear his voice and his laughter and hear him say that he loves me. I would be able to say goodbye to him and to tell him once more that I love him and miss him.

And I could have asked him if it is okay for me to fall in love again. We never talked about what would happen if one of us died. Would he want me to love again? Or would he want me to be faithful? I can guess the answer, but it would be nice if I could have heard it out of his mouth just once.

I miss talking to him so much. Just lying side by side talking about all sorts of things, both trivial and important. To be able to laugh with him and see the little wrinkles forming on his eyes when he smiles. To hear him sing in the shower or make kimchi with him while drinking a bottle of soju, or two.

When we made Kimchi for the first time, we drank three bottles of Soju together while it was raining and storming outside. Later that night there was a power outage and we sat in our room by candlelight, he held me in his arms and we talked about everything that came into our minds until we fell asleep.

My cell phone vibrated and without looking at the caller ID, I took the call and a completely out of breath sounding Yibo yelled: "Damn Zhan, where are you? I've been looking for you everywhere. Where are you?"

"I'm at my place. I'm not coming back tonight, I need this night to myself in my home."

"ZhanZhan, please don't do this. I'll pick you up, OK?"

"Yibo, I just told you, I just need one night at my house. All I'm doing is lying in my bed. I'm tired and I'm going to sleep right now and I'll come back to you by Saturday at the latest."

"No please Zhan, don't do this to me. I told you, I don't want you leaving. And you ran away. You just left me behind. Why did you do that?"

"I'm so sorry Yibo, I didn't mean to. I just had to get out of there and just go home. Don't be angry and give me the time that I need for myself right now."

"Please don't ZhanZhan. Please come back to me. I'll come to you too if you want. I promise I won't bother you."

"Yibo, I'm hanging up now. Go home and go to bed. You must be tired too."

"I'm coming over to you now. I don't want you to be alone." He said, ending the conversation and turned off his phone so I couldn't call him and talk him out of it. Probably nobody could talk him out of anything anyway.

I folded up Seo Joon's cardigan and put it back in my closet. So Yibo won't see it and won't feel hurt when he sees it. After that I went to wash my face. Maybe it will help with my teary eyes.

Ten minutes later the doorbell rang. I opened it and a very upset Yibo came in, put his arms around me and pressed me tightly to himself. "You can't just disappear like that, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." I retort and feel guilty that I caused Yibo to worry. He grabs the back of my head with both hands and pulls my head closer to him and kisses me.

We went to my bed and sat down. I looked at Yibo with a wrinkled forehead and asked him, "Why are you so extremely worried about me? I just wanted to spend one night here and it's weird because we've only known each other a few days."

"Well that's right, we've only known each other for a few days. But I' ve seen you more than once. For example, two years ago. I visited my grandma in the hospital, she had an operation where she had her appendix taken out. When she fell asleep, I went out into the corridor and sat down in front of the door of another room, because only there was a chair. Inside I heard someone asking about his husband again and again and shortly after that you walked past me and into the room. I heard what Seo Joon said to you, I heard the alarm sounding and I heard you collapse.

A few weeks later I had to go to the hospital with my best friend because he burned his hand at the barbecue. While they were treating him, I was standing at the entrance when an ambulance came. They brought you to the hospital on a stretcher, you were unconscious. Your best friend stayed outside, making phone calls. He cried and said you tried to follow Seo Joon. He said he's scared for you because you gave up the will to live.

He said that if you died after Seo Joon, he wouldn't want to live anymore either. That's why I asked you if Hae Jin is gay. Because on the phone he told the person that he loves you more than anything else and couldn't stand it if something happened to you, too. And it didn't sound like he was talking about his best friend. But at the party earlier, he told me he loved you more than anything as his best friend. And he said, laughing, that he wished you were a woman, then he would chase you. Because you're a great loveable person who made Seo Joon happy and can make anyone else happy who gets you.

It's true, we've only known each other for a few days, but I noticed you much earlier. Even though it wasn't love then. I'm just afraid you might hurt yourself again. You know what I mean? I saw you break down and almost die, and I never want to see that again. I want you to be happy and laugh. I want to make you happy. So at least let me try it, and don't ever disappear like that again. Because I believe that once you get to know me better, you can love me too."

Yibo put the picture of Seo Joon in my hands, smiled and said, "I don't want to replace Seo Joon or make you forget your love for him. I just want a place next to Seo Joon in your heart." Then he got up, went to my closet and handed me Seo Joon's cardigan. "You don't have to hide it from me. Hold it in your arms whenever you want. I understand your longing for him, because he was torn from your life at the very moment when your love was at its strongest. I don't want to forbid your memories of him. Share them with me, let's take a trip through your memories with Seo Joon. Don't shut me out just because you're scared. Let's do it together, ZhanZhan. Because even though you may not believe it, I love you and I want to help you, and when you're better, I wish I could get an honest chance from you."

I pressed the picture and the cardigan to my chest and nodded.

"Okay Yibo." That's what I said. It was all I could think of. I looked at Yibo to see that he really meant it and I looked into his eyes and my heart pounded against my chest. I am so afraid I'm gonna disappoint Yibo. But if I don't even try, I'll probably disappoint him even more.