Seaven:he hates me, he hates me not

Colby;

I sit here. I have finished my ice cream, and as I drink some tea, I play with my pocket knife.

My brain was telling me I fucked up many times as I bit my lip and moved my teacup on the nightstand, looking to the bathroom connected to my bedroom.

"Maybe.. they'll shut up" I mutter, "if.."

I didn't continue as I stood up and walked into the bathroom, hand in my hand. As I held the knife in my hand wrapped tightly, I stood in the bathroom looking at the mirror.

Am I really gonna do this?

I have a pull-a-hold habit. I promised Sam I'd stop, but I never really stopped. I just said I did, and for years, I have, in a way that keeps it hidden on Camara.

Cutting my feelings away. Now, cutting my regrets away. I roll my sleeves up, letting out a small breath. "This will make it better" I remind myself softly, it did for years.

The feelings for Sam disappeared for some time, then he'd be cute and bring it back.

The cold blonde skinned the hair off; I hiss a bit at the cold.  Angling it down I moved it over the sink, sinking the blade into my skin softly as I pulled.

A motion I did too long, so many times. I move the knife, tipping it against the sink before doing another to my write. One line for each time I thought of kissing Sam.

One..

Two...

Three....

Four....

Five.....

And just to make it even,

Six.......

Same with my left, this time for all the times I thought of as my straight best friend in a romantic light.

"Let this be a reminder of what you can't have, Colby," I spoke softly, "keep it in your brain this time."

I smile and stare at it. As I drop the knife into the sink, the flood drips down my arm into the sink, and down the drain.

After watching it for a few minutes as a reminder, I rinsed the knife, flipped it closed, and put it into my pocket. I then washed my cuts and wrapped them before rolling down my sleeves.

I can't. I won't ever have Sam as mine, my one and only. Hell, I'd like to marry some pretty girl, have kids, and be happy while I third wheel.

And I'll be forced to be happy for her. I breathed softly left out of the bathroom, and curled up on my bed.  And finish off my tea, holding my pillow close as I slowly fall out.

He doesn't love you.

Why would you do something as stupid as to kiss him?

You ruined everything!

He hates you.

The thoughts flow in and out of my brain in a consent loop, a circle. They drive me crazy like a hurricane, as they won't leave me alone.

I needed the thoughts to go away as my eyes swelled and tears fell onto my dark bedding. "Why did I let feelings get the better of me?" I mumbled, slowly falling asleep.

SAM;

We got home a few minutes ago. Elton was sitting in the living room.

"How was your recording? I noticed Colby came back earlier, " he said, looking between us.

"Good, it just ended up an award note," Jake explained, "Jhonnie and I kissed, and you know how he can be a bit of a perfectionist in videos. And want everything to flow nicely."

"Yeah, he seemed freaked out. I didn't get much from him just wanted to be alone," Elton said sounding concerned, "he was very upset."

"He kissed me in the music video. I wasn't expecting it, so I freaked out and went off to the bathroom," I said softly.

"He thinks you hate him," Elton said blankly. I heard him talking not so quietly to himself."

"I don't-" I spoke; I just didn't understand why I liked my lips on his.

Since it happened. My brain was confused, and said, kiss him again.

"You need to tell him that," Jake and Elton said.

"Jhonnie said he stormed out freaking out about you, Sam," Jake said.

I breathed a bit. "I'll go check on him," I said, slowly walking up the stairs.

My heart was beating, worried, knowing Colby had a bit of a past with self-harm. He sometimes will overthink too much and do it. Though he's been cleaned for years, as he told me.

Every time he thinks about it, he'll get a new tattoo. I'd rather that than see him in blood. I love him too much to see him gone.

I threw my bag half-hazardously into my room quickly before walking into Colby. I saw him in his baby blue Koala Murch hoodie. I smiled softly, seeing no signs of red bleeding, though his face was awfully red.

Colby...

I walked in and sat by him, playing with his hair genteel. "Colby?" I spoke softly.

"Mm... hm?" he said, half opening his eyes and half closing his eyes as he looked at the wall. Sam...?" He slowly looked at me.

"Mhm, it's me, Colby," I spoke softly. "I don't hate you. I want to make that clear. I still love you as much as I always did."

He had a semi-smile on his face that faded all so fast, faster than normal, as he muttered. "Not enough for my sad heart." He said it in a way, hoping I couldn't hear it over his breath.

I did, but I acted like I didn't. "What was that colbs?" I asked, continuing to play with his hair as he shifted to lie on my lap.

"Nothing.." He muttered, blushing a bit.

Does Colby Brock, my best friend, have a longing crush on me? Is that why he never got a girlfriend?

Holy fuck. The realization slaps me in the face like a light when you turn on in a dark room after a long time.

"If you say so," I said, my brain thinking about the kiss, it runs rampant, "is there a reason you kissed me."

He hummed. "To match Jake and Johnnie's segment.  "Duh"

"I just wished we talked a bit more about that," I said.

"I know. I'm sorry I got a little ahead of myself," he said, half-lidded, looking up at my lips.

My eyes drift down to his, slowly down his body, as I softly move my hand under his eyes, rubbing the red on his. "It's fine. We just need to be more in tune. Part of me feels like you're hiding something from me."

"I could say the same about you," Colby shot back, biting his lip. And maybe I am. Because of my own personal reasons."

I think I'm hiding it from myself,

Denial.

I think. I'm in love with Colby brock.-You think? Excuse m,e you-

"You piece of garbage,"-Sam and Colby to each other when younger.