Chapter 18

Castiel had two options. He could spend the night in bed with Dean for what could possibly be the last time, or he could spend it digging through old lore books for another weapon to use against Amara in hopes that it could save him a lifetime of nights with Dean.

It's a difficult choice to make. He'd like to think that the djinn wouldn't let him die this soon, but that says nothing of what could happen to Dean during this fight. He'd like to at least try to increase their chances of winning. But at the same time, the odds of him finding something new are incredibly low. Maybe the Men of Letters had some ancient secrets the Winchesters have yet to discover, but it's unlikely.

Ultimately, he decides to do a bit of both. When the hunters' pity party ends, Castiel follows Dean to bed, and — after a few minutes of slow kissing that he wouldn't trade for anything — they decide to let Dean sleep. He's going to need the rest for tomorrow.

Once Dean is asleep, Castiel reluctantly sneaks out of the room. Part of him wishes he could stay the night like he has every night he's been in this dream world, but this is the only compromise he could come up with.

He pulls out the old Men of Letters archives, and to say there's a lot in them would be a huge understatement. He won't finish looking through them by morning, that much is for sure. But he'll keep looking until he thinks Dean is going to wake up soon, and if he doesn't find anything by then, he'll sneak back to bed like he never left.

Unfortunately, Castiel realizes a few hours later, plans are always subject to change.

"Cas?"

Castiel looks up from the book he's been reading —and he must admit, it had definitely captivated his attention; the Men of Letters truly were geniuses — to see Sam standing in the doorway, staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Sam? What are you doing here?" Castiel asks quietly. It's the middle of the night, and tomorrow's arguably the most important day of their lives. He should be sleeping, resting up for the day.

"Looking for you!" Sam isn't quite as quiet, but there's a sense of urgency in his voice that has Castiel a but concerned.

"What? Why?" Castiel asks. "Is it Gabriel? Because I told you, there's nothing I can —"

"Gabriel?" Sam stares at him, his expression a mixture of confusion and awe.

"You're not from here," Castiel says slowly.

"No, I'm not," he says. "I'm from the real world. This is just a dream. It —"

"A djinn, I know," Castiel says.

"Wait, you do?"

"Of course I do," he says. "This obviously isn't the real world. Too much has changed."

Sam scoffs, a relieved grin on his face as he walks towards the angel. "Okay, great, then let's go."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"What? Why?"

Castiel sighs and looks down at the table, avoiding Sam's gaze. "I just... I like it here. It's weird, but I like it."

"You're kidding," Sam says incredulously. "Cas, this isn't even real. How can you pick this over —"

"I thought I'd find you here."

Sam and Castiel's conversation immediately ceases at the sound of Dean's voice. The hunter wears a tired smile as he walks towards them, though he seems a bit puzzled to see his brother.

"Sam, you should be in bed," Dean says. "Big day tomorrow."

"What?"

"Amara's not gonna stop herself," Dean says.

"Ama —" Sam cuts himself off with an incredulous look towards Castiel.

"And you should be in bed, too," Dean adds, kissing Castiel on the forehead.

"What the hell?" Sam gapes at him.

Dean rolls his eyes. "You can't say 'no PDA' at three in the morning. Don't want to deal with it, then go to bed."

Sam looks between Dean and an embarrassed Castiel in astonished silence for a few moments, until the angel has to look away.

"This is your dream world?" Sam says finally. "What could you possibly have wished for that made this happen?"

Castiel doesn't answer, but that alone is enough of an answer for him.

"Was that your wish?" Sam asks. "You and Dean?"

Castiel looks up at Dean, hoping the sight will give him the courage to admit it. It doesn't quite work.

"Just let me stay," Castiel says finally. "I'm happy here."

"What, and you're not happy with us?" Sam asks. "The real us?"

Castiel hesitates. He knows how he feels and he knows what he wants, but how does he explain it? How could he possibly tell Sam that he's never truly felt welcome with them? How can he explain that all he's ever wanted was to feel loved? And after so many years of devoting himself to helping them — to helping Dean — he finally got the love he wanted. How can he explain that? And how could he give that up?

"Good talk, Sam," Dean deadpans. "Cas, babe, let's go back to bed." He puts a hand on the angel's back, ready to lead him away as soon as he stands up.

"Cas?" Sam watches him almost nervously.

Castiel sighs. "Go home, Sam. You and Dean can take care of things without me." It's for the best for both of them if Castiel just stays here. If there's one thing he's learned from being here, it's that a lot of people would still be alive if he had acted differently.

"And, what, you're just going to stay in this djinn dream forever?" Sam asks incredulously.

"As long as I can, yes," Castiel says. "It's called a dream world for a reason." He stands up, ready to follow Dean back to bed, research be damned.

"Good choice," Dean says with a grin, and Castiel can't help but wonder what he'd do if he chose differently. Dean's not oblivious to what's happening here. He just isn't really stepping in.

"Cas!" Sam grabs Castiel by the arm, stopping him in his tracks.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Castiel says, and he truly means it. But this is where he wants to be, and Sam can't take that away from him.

"I'm sorry, too," he says.

"What?"

Sam pulls Castiel's angel blade from his sleeve. Before he can react, Sam stabs it into Castiel's chest. Everything goes white, a bright light and burning heat covering every inch of him.

And then it's black.