64

I hope you are all doing well and staying safe. My state is still in quarantine lockdown but I'm an essential worker. It's been tough to find time to write so this one took a while because I wanted to get it just right. Here we go friends!

Happy Reading!

><><Negan><><

I was so sick of this prick if I didn't get him out of my sight I wasn't going to be able to control my mounting need to gut him. I wanted Rick dead.

Jo and I had talked about the different faces we wore, the balance between being The Man and being myself. I had never felt so torn before today. As leader of Sanctuary we needed these people alive and working for us. As a man, as myself, as just Negan, the bastard who loved Jo with every part of me, I wanted these sons of bitches dead and bloody at my feet. I wanted to torture them in the most horrific and gruesome ways I could imagine for the pain they had caused my Jo.

I snorted humorlessly.

She wasn't even my Jo anymore. She was a shell of that person. My Jo had been so strong that staring at her was like looking into the sun. She was a true queen, and one I would have kisssd her damn feet and followed her for the rest of my miserable life. But Now I couldn't even trust her to take care of herself outside the fence. I couldn't trust the calls she would make or the people who might follow her. They had taken her from me as surely as if they had put a bullet in her brain. And I hated them for it.

I grabbed Rick by his collar and shoved him out of the door into the dirt of the clearing. He tumbled down the steps and by the time I followed him he hadn't gotten back to his feet. His eyes were locked on his people and the two dead bodies with their brains splattered in the gravel.

They deserved so much more, so much worse. Looking at Rick's face I realized that if I couldn't kill him because of the Sanctuary, I could hurt him for Jo. I could torment him in ways he hadn't even thought of until I haunted his nightmares for what he had done and taken from me. And I would do it with a smile on my face.

I grabbed him by his collar and dragged him towards the others. I threw him down at my feet just inches away from the bloody spray of his friends' brains.

"Here we are...let me ask you something Rick. Do you even know what that little trip was about?"

Dead silence met my question. I looked over Rick's people. All of them looked scared shitless, just like I wanted them, but Rick didn't. Rick looked over his people and there was still a defiant set to his jaw. I was going to have to take care of that.

"Speak when spoken to!" I demanded.

Rick was panting on his hands and knees at my feet. "Okay," he whispered. "Okay."

I stared down at him grimly. "That trip was about the way you looked at me. I wanted to change that. I wanted you to understand," I pressed my lips together in disappointment and gave him a small shrug. "But you're still looking at me the same damn way..." I dragged off, staring down at him. "Like I shit in your scrambled eggs...and that's not gonna work. So..." I dragged off looking back over the circle of his people. Everyone but The Hard-ass and The Kid either had tears streaming down their faces or looked completely shell shocked.

I crouched down next to Rick. "Do I give you another chance?" I asked rhetorically. I pressed my lips together and stared down at the blood that coated Lucille.

"Yeah," he croaked. "Yes," he said a moment later, looking for once like he was afraid of what my reaction might be when he didn't answer right the first time.

I patted him on the back proudly and he flinched away from the contact. There might just be hope for him yet. But I was torn. Part of me wanted him to fall in line while the other part still hoped to hell he would give me a reason to kill him.

I chuckled gleefully. "Okay," I said with a laugh as I straightened. "All right...here we go, grand-prize game. What you do next will decide whether your crap day becomes everyone's last crap day or just another crap day." I held out my hand for my men and gestured to the people kneeling. "Let's get some guns to the backs of their heads."

The people shifted, their eyes going to Rick for guidance, but he was still mostly slumped over. I could see the shock on their faces as they realized their fearless leader was crumbling. They tensed as my men moved into place, but without Rick fighting back none of them made a move.

"Good, now level with their noses so if you have to fire..." I made a motion like an explosion coming out of the front of my face. "...It'll be a real mess."

Several of them whimpered and I smirked triumphantly. "Kid," I called.

He lifted his chin defiantly and met my gaze. He was something. I liked him a lot. In about two years he would make one hell of a Savior. I wasn't one to think too far ahead, but a decade from now, two decades, this was the type of kid who could succeed me. He was the future. I just hoped I wasn't going to to scar him too badly proving a point to his dad.

I motioned with my finger for him to come closer. "Right here," I said pointing to the spot in the dirt next to his dad.

He didn't move, just stared me down. What I was going to do was going to scare the shit out of his dad, but I didn't think it would touch the kid. He was tougher than that. This world had made him.

"Kid," I said in a warning voice. "Now."

He didn't even look at my guys with the guns. He held my gaze steadily as he climbed to his feet and walked towards me confidently. I was goddamn impressed. I don't know if I had been so impressed since the first time I met Jo.

"You a southpaw?" I asked, pulling my belt.

"Am I a what?" he snapped in that same bratty teenager tone that had somehow stuck even though we were in the middle of the goddamn apocalypse.

"You a lefty?" I clarified.

"No," he bit out the answer.

"Good," I said with a smirk and I wrapped the belt around the kids left bicep, just above the elbow. I gave it a jerk. "That hurt?"

"No," he ground out the words. I could see the pain in his eyes but he wasn't about to admit it in front of the group and certainly not to me. I could respect that.

"Should," I warned him. "It's supposed to," I tied off the end. "All right, get down on the ground kid, next to daddy. Spread them wings!" I called and I pulled his stupid ranger hat off his head, tossing it into the dirt over my shoulder. Such a badass kid shouldn't be wearing such a lame hat.

He moved slowly and I shoved him down, so he was laying on his belly next to his dad in the dirt. "Dwight," I called over my shoulder. I turned theatrically to face him. "You got a pen?"

Dwight looked surprised by the question for a fraction of a second before he nodded. "Yeah," and he dug the pen out of his pocket and threw it to me.

I caught it one handed and pulled the cap off with my teeth. I glanced at Rick to make sure he was paying attention before I crouched down over his kid.

"Sorry kid, this is going to be as cold as a warlock's ballsack. Just like he was hanging the ballsack above you and dragging it across your forearm," I said as I drew a line across his wiry arm, just below the elbow. "There you go, give you a little leverage," I said with a smile. I glanced back at Rick. His eyes were wide with shock as he began to realize what was happening. I had wondered how long it was going to take him.

"Please," he whispered. "Please," he gasped and let out a shuddering breath before he turned to face me. "Please don't," he begged.

I turned and looked down at Rick, a slow smirk stretching my face. "Me?" I asked innocently. I chuckled right in his face. I loved watching the fear and pain chase themselves through his eyes. "I ain't doing shit," I told him, my tone dead calm. I just waited, staring into his face for the realization of what was really happening to hit him. As soon as it did I smiled for real.

I climbed to my feet so I was standing over them. "Rick, I want you to take your ax, cut off your son's left arm, right on that line."

Rick turned to stare at me, the cold horror in his eyes was goddamn everything I had hoped for.

"Now I know, I know. You're going to have to process that for a second," I said, stalking around him and enjoying the looks of terror on the other's faces. "That makes sense. Still though, I'm going to need you to do it or all of these people are going to die," I said gesturing to the group with a swing of Lucille. "Then Carl dies, then the people back home die, and then you, eventually." I added gleefully.

Rick started rocking then, his chest rising and falling like he was hyperventilating. It reminded me of how Jo had hyperventilated when I found her sobbing over Kate's body and found I couldn't give a shit. I wanted him to suffer even more for what he took from her. "I'm gonna keep you breathing for a few years, just so you can stew on it."

"You, you don't have to do this, we understand!" One of the women called. "We understand!"

I turned to her. "You understand," I said with a jerk of my chin. "Yeah, but I'm not sure Rick does," I said pointing dramatically down at Rick.

I pulled myself back, cracking my neck as I worked to get my next words out as calm and matter a fact as I could manage. "I'm going to need a clean cut, right there on that line," I told Rick, pointing to The Kid's arm.

Rick started shaking his head as his breathing kicked up another notch.

I smirked down at him. "Now I know this is a screwed up thing to ask, but it's going to have to be like a salami slice. Nothing messy, clean, 45 degrees. It gives us something to fold over. We got us a great doctor. The kid will be fine..." I cocked my head and stared down into Rick's eyes. "Probably," I said with a shrug.

I let that hang in the air, let Rick sit for a full minute before I crouched down in front of him. "Rick," I said moving the bloodied end of Lucille in front of his face. "This needs to happen now...chop, chop," I said and I moved Lucille so the barbed wire was inches from The Kid's face. "Or, I will crush the little fella's skull myself."

"I-I-" Rick started stammering. It sounded like he was choking on his own tongue. "I-it, It-It could be me," he managed to choke out. "It could be me. W-w," he shook his head as he fought to get the words out, as he fought to think past the horror he was facing. "You could do it to me," he said his voice breaking. "I-I c-can go with you."

"No," I growled out the word, letting him hear the rage I was barely containing in the one word. I pushed myself to my feet and took a breath so I had control once again. "This is the only way," I called loud enough for everyone to hear. "Rick," I said turning back to look down at him. "Pick up the ax."

Rick was frozen in horror. I ate it up. Part of me wished Jo could be here to see this. Be here to see this son of a bitch groveling at my feet for what he had done. But then again my Jo, my Jo who was no longer here...she would have just killed them all. She wouldn't have left a single one of them alive. They would have fallen to her knives and it would have been a thing of beauty.

I swung Lucille as I stared down at Rick who was still frozen. "Not making a decision here, is making a big decision," I warned him.

Rick looked back at me, his eyes blank with shock.

"You really want to see all of these people die?" I asked him. "You will. You will see every ugly thing I have promised for what you did."

Rick groaned, his eyes flashing over the group. An almost animalistic noise came out of his throat as he looked back down at his son.

I scoffed. "Are you really going to make me count?" I asked incredulously. I couldn't believe these people followed this weak, selfish, son of a bitch. "Okay Rick," I said with a put upon sigh. "You win. I'm counting. Three..."

"Please!" Rick sobbed. "Please! Please, it could be me!! It could be me!" he cried.

"Two!"

He started wailing then, his voice rising into the keen of a dying animal. I crouched down in front of him and grabbed his face, squeezing his cheeks between my fingers. "This is it," I snarled at him. "One," I growled.

"AAAHHHHHH!" he started screaming but his hand dropped to the ax, maybe he had what it took after all.

"Dad, just do it," The Kid snapped impatiently. The Kid's face was still dry, still no sign of fear in his eyes. God I loved this kid. I wanted to take him home and have Jo teach him how to fight.

"Just do it," The Kid said again, dead calm.

Rick was screaming now, his hands shaking as he raised the ax up above his head. I crouched next to him and stared into his face admiring his torment.

"Rick," I said his name calmly and he turned to face me. "You answer to me, you provide for me, you belong to me...right?" I asked.

Rick nodded too many times, his eyes frantic. He hung his head and just kept nodding as tears and snot flowed down his face. I snatched his face, pinching it painfully in my hand. "SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!" I screamed into his face because the urge to kill him was almost greater than the need to have him provide for the Sanctuary. Letting him leave this clearing felt like I was letting Jo down somehow but I couldn't waste them all. Life was too precious these days.

"You answer to me," I snarled.

"Yes," Rick said nodding. 

"You provide for me."

"Provide for you," he agreed.

"You belong to me, right?"

"Right," he said

"Right," I agreed staring into his eyes from only inches away. "That," I said pointing into his face. "Is the look I want to see," I told him and I stood up, taking the ax out of his hand.

I took a breath and turned back to face the group. "We did it," I said looking over them. "All of us together. Even the dead guys on the group. Hell, they get the spirit award, for sure. Today was a productive damn day!" I called to them. Everyone but The Kid and The Hardass were sobbing.

"I hope for all your sake, that you get it now...that you understand how things work. Things have changed. Whatever you had going for you, that is," I chuckled. "Over now. You fucked with the wrong people, and now you'll pay the price."

I turned. "Dwight," I called and I leveled Lucille at the chest of The Hardass. Dwight had been dead right about his potential. "Load him up."

He fought as Dwight grabbed him and shoved him into the back of the van. Even injured he had more balls than the rest of them combined. Their people whimpered and sobbed, but nobody fought back. Lesson learned.

I squatted down next to Rick. "I like him. He's got guts, not a little bitch like someone I know. He's mine now. But you wanna try something. 'Not today, not tomorrow,'" I mocked. "I will cut pieces off of..." I stopped as I realized I had never learned The Hardass's name. I looked up at Dwight. "The Hell's his name?" I asked with a frown.

"Daryl D-"he answered but I cut him off before he said his last name. It's not like the man's last name mattered.

"Daryl?" I mocked and I let out a peal of laughter. "Wow, that actually sounds right," I said with a shake of my head. I turned back to Rick and let go of all the humor. "I will cut pieces off of Daryl and put them on your doorstep- or better yet, I will bring him to you so you can do it for me."

I laughed and patted Rick on the back as I straightened. "Welcome to the new world you sorry shits. I'm going to leave you a truck, keep it, fill it with all the crap you're going to find me. We'll be back for our first offering in one week," I stalked back towards my truck, flipping Rick's ax over my shoulder. "Until then, ta-ta," I called.

All of my people took my cue and loaded up, leaving them to take care of their dead.

I got what I wanted from them. The Hardass was in the van and we were headed home. I expected to feel better after this but I didn't. Instead I had a bad feeling churning away in my gut that I just couldn't shake. Had I bothered to learn Daryl's last name maybe I'd have known what was coming. If I'd have known I would have put a bullet in his brain, but instead, what was coming would hit me like a truck and nothing would be the same ever again.

><><Jo><><

I'm don't know how long I stayed in the dark of that cell. It was long enough for the adrenaline to wear off, for me to sleep and wake up still trapped in this nightmarish version of my life. Negan had lied to me. It shouldn't have continued to be a shock for so long, but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I had thought so much was different. What a fool I had been. I sat in that cell until I heard movement outside in the hall. I froze, my body tightening as it prepared to protect itself. It had been so long since I felt the simple purity of fight or flight. I had fought it for so long and now I craved it like a drug I couldn't find. I wanted that pure simplicity back.

Once things quieted down once more I slipped out of the cell into the hallway. I was surprised when I turned the corner and came face to face with an exhausted looking Dwight. He flinched in surprise and my hand dropped to the knife on my waist. I didn't pull it, but Dwight saw the action and his eyes widened fearfully.

"Jo," he said, taking half a step back. His hands were out in front of him and he held them very still for me to see. It had been a long time since I felt this out of control, but Dwight knew me well enough and we had enough of a history for him to be very aware of what I could do.

I frowned at him. "What are you doing down here?" I asked him. I lifted my chin and put enough authority in my voice that I knew he wouldn't dare not answer me. Things may be falling apart between Negan and I but I doubted seriously that Dwight was aware of it.

"Well we, we're back from..." he swallowed. "You know from taking care of them," he said. "New prisoner," he added quickly, jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards one of the other cells.

I froze for a moment, my eyes flashing towards the cell. If it was a new prisoner and they had gone after the people responsible for Katy...that meant...I froze as the possibilities raced through my mind.

I must have lost a few moments of time because Dwight shifted uncomfortably a few times before I noticed.

"I want to see him," I said a little breathlessly. If he was one of them...my hand dropped to the knife on my waist.

"No one in or out," Dwight said trying to sound tougher than he was. "Negan's orders," he added a little apologetically, jerking his chin towards the guards standing outside the cell.

I looked back up at him and there was a strange expression on his face. One I didn't recognize. Was it pity? I tightened my jaw. I hated pity.

"Where's Negan?" I demanded.

"His apartment," Dwight said, stepping aside quickly so I wouldn't knock him over as I stalked out of the cell block to go talk to Negan.

I stomped through the Sanctuary. The look on my face was enough that everyone I came across practically leapt back out of my way. Rage and hurt and betrayal raced through me so fast I was breathless as I threw open his door. His guards didn't even look my way as the door slammed against the wall. Negan for his part was standing on the other side of the room near the bar. He didn't even look up as I stood, raging in the doorway.

"I ran into Dwight in the cell block," I finally managed to spit out. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many accusations but I was so blinded by my rage I didn't even know where to begin.

"Hello to you too sweetheart," Negan said turning to face me. He poured himself a scotch and held the bottle out towards me.

I tightened my jaw, but didn't respond. I wasn't willing to give an inch on this. I knew his tactics all too well, and I wasn't about to be a victim of them again. When I didn't respond to his offer he sort of shrugged and made a show of slowly screwing the cap back on the bottle.

"You lied to me," I accused after a moment, once I realized he wasn't going to say anything until I did.

He blew out a sigh and set the bottle down with a loud click. "I didn't lie to you," he said. "I-"

"Don't," I snapped, interrupting him before he said whatever lie he had come up with. "Don't bother with whatever you used to justify this to yourself. You know what this meant to me. You knew how much I needed this."

Negan swung around to face me then, that carefully controlled mask cracking around the edges. "Needed this?" he asked sharply. "Needed this?" he asked again as though in disbelief. "You couldn't handle this," Negan responded coolly. He took a swig, staring at me over the top of his glass just like he had the first night we met in the Governor's apartment. The comparison sent a sick shiver down my spine. "Needed this," he mocked. He pointed at me with the glass. "You've been a mess for weeks while I took care of you. I handled it."

"So they're all dead then?" I asked sharply, already knowing the answer. I had read the truth all over Dwight's face. Now the real question was whether or not Negan had the balls to admit to me that he hadn't done what he said he would.

Negan's jaw tightened and he swallowed another mouth full of scotch. "Some of them," he allowed.

I was almost surprised he hadn't lied to my face. "Some?" I challenged and I turned towards the door. "Where are they?" I demanded. The rage I had felt over him going without me was nothing compared to the reality of him leaving them alive.

"They're home, finding us shit that we are going to go pick up next week. Shit we need to survive."

"You let them live?" I demanded. "After what they did?"

"Human's are a resource sweetheart," he said in that maddeningly calm tone of his he used when he was putting on a show.

"Don't call me that," I snarled. This was no stage and I wasn't one of the masses who worshipped him. I never had been and never would be.

Negan's eyebrows pulled together for a moment before he pushed himself to his feet. "I did this for you," he said indignantly.

I scowled and shook my head in disbelief. "You did this for you! You and your empire and we both know it," I snarled. "If you had done it for me you wouldn't have lied. You would have brought me with you," my voice dropped off and broke for a moment with the storm of emotions I could barely contain. I hated that. I hated that I couldn't contain my weakness when he was watching. I didn't want him to see a single chink in the armor I wrapped around myself. I couldn't. "I can't believe you," I said so softly he would have to strain to hear it. I lifted my eyes from the floor and could feel the rage blazing out of them. "I can't believe you would do something like this."

"Me?" he challenged. "We're the same. You and me Jo. You would have done the same-" he started to say. Negan's eyes were wide and honest for maybe a minute and I took my chance. I saw the opportunity to hurt him like I hurt and I didn't let it pass me by.

"We aren't the same," I said with a disgusted shake of my head. "You put on this mask and play at being king. This is who I am. I would never manipulate you, or use your past to control you.

Negan pulled back like I had slapped him. For once, something I said had touched him. I pushed even further. "Call off the guards," I demanded. "I want him."

Negan blinked for a moment and when he met my gaze once more his eyes were hard. "No," Negan snapped.

His eyes were flashing with temper and his hands were trembling as he balled them into fists, but I wasn't afraid. What in the hell did I have left to be afraid of?

"He has too much potential. He could be a real asset."

I knew the next words were the line in the sand. Once I spoke them there would be no going back, but I was beyond reason, beyond the ability to stop myself. "Either give him to me or we're done."

"I don't take too kindly to ultimatums sweetheart," Negan growled. "I killed my number two for you, and if this son of a bitch survives what Dwight is going to do to him he will be the strongest soldier we have."

I stared him down but I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't budge on this. Well neither would I. We were both stubborn and I had just drawn the line in the sand. I spun on my heel, slamming the door behind me as I stormed away.

><><Negan><><

I threw the glass of scotch away from me. It shattered against the back of the door Jo had just gone through. Goddamn them. I wanted to kill Rick all over again. I wished to hell I had now. I wanted to get into my truck and drive to their stupid community and drag him out into the street and murder him for Jo.

She wasn't thinking clearly. She just needed time to calm down and I could try and explain again. I was too damn tired and had lost my temper. That never worked with Jo. When was I going to learn? She was hurting and I needed to be the bigger person. She would settle down in a few hours and listen to reason. I just needed to keep her safe until she did.

I climbed to my feet and moved to the door. I pulled it open and looked at fat Joey who was doing his best to stare at the wall and not exist. No doubt he was pissing his pants listening to that little domestic.

"Jo doesn't leave the fence, no matter what," I told him coolly. "You make sure the men at the gate know it, or I'm holding you personally responsible."

Fat Joey nodded too many times and bowed before he scuttled off to deliver my orders.

In a couple hours Jo would calm down, I would talk to her again and everything would be fine. I had expected her to be mad over me leaving her behind, but I hadn't expected this. We had both said things we didn't mean, but I loved her too much to just let her go.

><><Jo><><

I was fighting to catch my breath and control myself when I saw the door in the courtyard below me open. Fat Joey, who had been standing guard outside of Negan's room, jogged across the gravel to the men standing at the gate. He spoke quickly to them and they nodded. One of them motioned up towards the fire escape where I stood. Fat Joey followed his pointing and I actually saw him flinch from here. He nodded and ran back inside.

I ran a hand over my mouth as something that may have been panic rose up in my throat. Negan was trapping me. I had threatened him, told him we were done and now I was a prisoner. Just like before.

I shoved away from the rail and stalked around the side of the building. I climbed down the ladder and swung my legs over dropping down the last story to land in the dirt behind one of the guards. He flinched, his hand dropping to his gun. I cocked my head to the side as I stared at him. His eyes were filled with fear as he slowly lowered his hand from this gun.

"What would you tell me if I asked you to open the gate?" I asked conversationally. All of the anger and rage had settled now, possibly even more dangerously to a low simmer laced with the fear of captivity.

The man's eyes widened and his gaze flickered to his partner who looked equally terrified.

"That's what I thought," I said with a nod. "Take a few moments and think about your answer, I'll be back," I promised them and I disappeared through a side door heading deeper into the Sanctuary.

I went to my apartment first. I didn't have much for supplies there, but I packed the backpack with everything I had. I wasn't staying, I couldn't, but I wasn't going to sit and wait for Negan to decide to lock his prize up like The Governor had warned.

Once my bag was packed I returned to the hall and headed back towards the cells. There was one more thing for me to take care of. I couldn't let this go. Couldn't let him live after what he had done.

I moved silently through the halls, slipping into doorways and around corners to avoid being seen. If Negan assumed I was off pouting somewhere he wouldn't send anyone to check on me for several hours. I had to use my time carefully.

I turned the corner in the cell block and once again came face to face with Dwight. His eyes widened once more but he didn't move aside this time. He couldn't. He was holding a prisoner by the shoulder of their shirt.

I turned to face the prisoner. He was the real threat in the room and with my blood up I couldn't look anywhere else. It was like all of the air had been sucked out of the room. I staggered back a step, bracing a hand against the wall so I didn't fall as my gaze met a pair of familiar sky blue eyes.

><><

Well...I hope you liked it!!