61

Hello All! I hope you are doing well in these crazy times. Thank you all for the amazing support you have given this story. It's your votes and comments that have made this story continue. 

Happy Reading! 

><><

Negan

><><

Revenge was something I didn't often think about in my line of work. I couldn't usually afford the luxury as the boss, but sending Dwight and a group of guys out the gate to make camp for the night I was laying the perfect trap to make these assholes pay. If this guy was half the badass Dwight claimed, he would be so blinded by the chick Dwight had killed he wouldn't see this coming. I wasn't even going to pretend it was anything but straight up revenge. I was just a day or two away from having these bastards on their knees and their blood coating Lucille. There was a lot to do to get ready, but I also needed to check on Jo.

I was used to being single minded about things that I wanted. Hell I had single-minded my way into being the boss here. I didn't get distracted and it was distracting knowing Jo was somewhere falling apart and I couldn't do anything to help her. My strength had always been my absolute relentless dedication to what was best for The Sanctuary, but now I was getting sidetracked. I was more worried about Jo than I was about The Sanctuary. 

There was a part of me that believed if I could just put her in front of the people who had killed Katie she could have her revenge and everything could go back to normal. I had believed with every part of me that Jo would one day be the real leader here, she would outlive and outfight us all, but now I wasn't so sure.

I called a meeting with Gavin, Regina and Arat. Arat reported that she had cleared the rest of the satellite station and the remaining people were getting settled in the empty apartments in The Sanctuary. It was almost two dozen fighters which bolstered our ranks and made me feel better about the move I was about it make. I gave them their marching orders for the following day. They were going to have to be off around dawn to make sure we would be ready for the big day.

"Dwight has laid a trap for the one we want to recruit. As for the rest of them...if we can save them, so be it...if not," I shrugged and turned Lucille in my hand. "Let's just say I won't lose any sleep over it," I let the threat hang in the air as I looked into the faces of my most trusted. The number at this table was getting smaller and smaller. I couldn't let that rattle me. The Sanctuary was strong and to stay strong we needed to act swiftly for everyone's safety. We had committed to a safety net for other communities as well and if these assholes were going around murdering people in their beds for supplies I couldn't let it stand regardless of how I felt about Jo. 

"We know they are allied with the Hilltop. We cut them off from each other. There's no telling how long it will take before someone tries to make the trip, but we block every route to get there and wait for them," I turned to Gavin. "Come morning I want you working on those roadblocks. I don't care how you do it, just make sure no vehicle is going anywhere but where we want them. Once they get on foot we can easily funnel them into the clearing."

Gavin nodded complacently. I turned to Regina. "Pick whoever is the sneakiest bastard in the joint. The new guy is supposedly a tracker and we haven't had one of those since Dixon, but pick whoever is second best in the woods-" I dragged off when I saw her expression. My jaw tightened and I eyed her dangerously for even thinking it. "She's a little unavailable right now," I snapped bitterly. "Pick who's third best. I want them sitting in a damn tree outside that place with a walkie. I want to know every move the bastards make," I slid a map across the table towards her. "D provided us with a location. Make sure it's someone you trust. We have to know when they make a move so we can be there," I flashed a dangerous smile. "You only get one chance to make a first impression." 

"Understood," Regina agreed.

"I know it's late," I said unnecessarily. I didn't give a shit if it was late. "But this has the potential to fall together fast. We are not going to fuck this, understand?" I growled.

They all nodded.

"Good, get the shit out of here, get some sleep," I said with a flick of my fingers.

The three of them left quickly. I let them get a little ways ahead before I left the office. I didn't need anyone knowing I was worried about Jo. It felt too much like a weakness. I couldn't get her out of my mind for some reason. I hated feeling helpless and that was exactly what was going on. I was helpless to make her better, revenge was all I could offer her.

I wandered around The Sanctuary for almost an hour looking for Jo. Luckily the halls were empty so there was no one awake to witness my growing agitation and worry. I checked my apartment, both gyms, her old apartment, and the fire escape. I even wandered past Kate and Merle's old apartment, but it was still dark and covered in dust. I couldn't find her. Every place I checked that turned up empty made something in my chest tighten even more. By the time I closed Dixon's apartment my throat was tight and I was terrified she was gone. She couldn't just be missing, she had been boarder-line catatonic for weeks. A catatonic woman didn't just walk out the front gate. Someone would have stopped her...wouldn't they?

Real fear hit me like a punch in the gut. I had spent months making it clear to everyone Jo was to be respected and obeyed. I made sure everyone feared her as much as they feared me to keep her safe. I wanted people to see her as an authority figure not a victim that could be used to control me. Well, I had gotten my wish.

First I woke Fat Joey. I had assigned him to watch her. If anything happened to her I was holding him personally responsible. I was livid to find he was asleep in his room when Jo was missing.

After I scared the piss out of him he told me she went to her apartment for the night and locked the door. Knowing he was too shit scared of me to lie for her I went to the only person inside this fence who would lie to me for Jo.

It was almost midnight when I pounded on Arat's door. Her mom opened it a few moments later. She was an older lady and I couldn't for the life of me remember her name. Jo would kick my ass for it, she had been kind to Jo after Merle's death. It said a lot about Arat's skill that she had managed to keep her mom alive this long. She was a kindly cook, not a fighter.

The old lady's eyes widened fearfully when she saw me. "Negan," she breathed and she moved like she was going to kneel.

I waved her off, I didn't have time for her to bust a hip. "Just looking for Arat," I told her curtly.

Arat came into view a few seconds later. Her hair was standing up in weird places, she was wearing pajama shorts and a tank top with no bra, but there was a knife gripped in one hand. Jo would have been proud of her.

"I can't find Jo," I told her without preamble. I had clearly woken her up, but I could care less. I needed to find Jo. The need to know she was safe had become a living thing in my chest.

Arat chewed on her lip. "Did you-"

"I checked every place I can think of," I told her. There was a part of me that was terrified she had left. That somewhere in Jo's messed up mind she had convinced herself she was better off being out on her own, or worse, she had somehow heard about the community and went off on her own to take care of them. Under normal circumstances, I would only be frustrated by her doing either of those things, but she wouldn't survive them. Either one of those would be akin to suicide. She wasn't the same. Not anymore.

"I know a place," she said. Arat's face was grim as she led the way through The Sanctuary. We went down a side hallway I had never really spent any time in that led to a utility room and a storage closet.

"If you're leading me somewhere to murder me..." I dragged off.

Arat glanced back at me lifting her eyebrows. "Yeah, I'll just murder you with the knife I keep in my pj's," she said with a roll of her eyes. As though it would be impossible to hide a knife on her. Jo certainly would have accomplished it.

Arat stopped outside the closet door and wiped at her mouth. I glanced at the door and back at Arat lifting my eyebrows expectantly.

"She's in there," she said.

Horror hit me and I spun to face the door. I jerked it open and Jo was sitting on the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees. I moved to get her but Jo flinched, her eyes flashing dangerously.

It was the first time I had seen any emotion other than anguish and grief for so long I was almost light headed with relief. I stopped moving to give her a chance to realize it was me. I crouched down and waited her out. She scowled up at the dim light of the hallway for a beat and then looked down at her hands. As soon as I saw something that didn't look homicidal I scooped Jo up in my arms and strode back towards my apartment. She whimpered weakly and tried to protest but she was shaking so hard her teeth were chattering. I didn't know if it was from the dank cold of the closet or shock from the stress.

"Shut up Jo," I snapped harshly. I wasn't in the mood. I knew Jo was claustrophobic. I knew how she felt about being trapped in a small, dark space after that cell, which meant she was doing it on purpose as some kind of torture for herself. And Arat had known about it and just let it happen.

Jo felt incredibly fragile in my arms as she shook. I had hoped she was getting better, but she just felt broken and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't fix her. Not if she was going to keep breaking herself. 

Arat opened the door to our apartment for me since my hands were full. She hesitated there, looking like she was going to bolt. I swung around to face her. "Don't you dare," I snapped at her. "We've got some talking to do," I jerked my chin towards the couch. "Sit," I growled.

Arat blew out a sigh and dropped down on the couch to wait for me.

I carried Jo into the bathroom. I set her down in the tub clothes and all. It's not like it mattered, she hadn't wore anything but pajamas in ages. I cranked the water on, running a hot bath. She was still trembling, but I didn't know if it was because she was cold or something else. I thought briefly about taking her down to the infirmary but there was no real injury. What was wrong with her couldn't be fixed by the kind of doc we had. Of course this was the most emotion I had seen in her since Katie's death, so maybe it was progress. I didn't know shit about all the psychobabble bullshit.

I left Jo in the tub, closing the door behind me and faced Arat. I needed to take care of this before I could get Jo to bed.

"How long have you known Jo was using a closet to hide?" I asked keeping my voice very, very calm.

Arat shifted her weight nervously, but when I took an aggressive step towards her, she lifted her chin to look me in the eyes. "Since it happened," she said. "On the really bad days she would go there."

"Do you know why?" I asked conversationally. I typically liked Arat because she genuinely seemed to care for Jo and was loyal to her, it didn't seem possible she would know and not say anything.

Arat shrugged and shook her head. "I assumed it was because she didn't want to be bothered. It wasn't hurting anyone and it gave her the privacy she felt she needed to mourn her sister."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. The road to hell was paved in good intentions. "Do you know how my Jo became the magnificent creature she is?" I asked. I was fighting to keep my temper in check.

"No," Arat said. "Jo never seemed to want to talk about it."

"I'm not surprised," I said dryly. "She and her sister had been with a group and went out on their own. They were nearly starving to death and had been picked up by a man who ran a community. He was a real piece of work," Arat lifted her eyebrow and I shook my head. "This son of a bitch was a thousand times worse than me. He tried to force himself on Jo and when she resisted him he took her and locked her up in a tiny, dark cell. He made her fight biters in a ring every week for entertainment with nothing but a little steak knife."

Arat shifted her weight, unsure how to react or what to say.

"He made her fight for her life and then would lock her away in a tiny cell in the dark when he wasn't using her. I saw the cell, it was ten by ten, shared a wall with where he kept the biters with absolutely no light. He kept her in there for weeks on end..."

Arat crossed her arms over her chest.

"I'm not the worst thing that's out there," I assured her. "Jo has seen the worst, and she killed him and came out the other side a towering badass."

"That's why she-" Arat started to say, but dragged off.

"Is the way she is," I agreed a little proudly. "She is one of the strongest people I have ever met, but because of the way he kept her, she is incredibly claustrophobic. Any time she went someplace small and dark she loses it. It's like a switch flips in her brain and she turns back into a psychotic killing machine...so the question remains...why would she choose to go to a place like that?" I asked letting the question hang between us. I didn't want to think too hard about what it was doing to her mentally, it made my stomach turn.

Arat's eyes were wide. "I didn't know," she said honestly. "I just thought she wanted some time alone. I figured since I knew where she was it was okay."

"Jo is about as far from okay as someone can be," I responded honestly. I blew out a frustrated sigh and just wished Arat would leave now. I had Jo in the next room and I hated feeling helpless like this, I certainly didn't want to feel this way in front of someone. I scrubbed a hand over my face. "Thanks," I said. "I'll take it from here," I told Arat, dismissing her. 

Arat scrambled to her feet and nodded several times before she hurried to the door. She hesitated with her hand on the door knob. "Tomorrow," she said confidently, turning to face me. "We'll make them pay."

I nodded exhaustively. "We'll make them pay."

><><Jo><><

The water was warm and lapped against my skin soothingly, letting me slowly quiet my racing thoughts. The urge to run and hide was gone now, and left me shaky and exhausted. I could hear voices outside Negan's bathroom, but they didn't matter. One of them was Negan and if he was here I was safe. I didn't exactly remember how I had gotten here. The last thing I remembered was deciding to go to the closet so I could be alone. Then Negan carrying me through The Sanctuary.

The door to the bathroom opened and after a long delay I looked up to see Negan leaning against the door frame, his powerful arms crossed over his chest as he stared down at me with something that might have been disappointment in his eyes. 

When I met his gaze he stepped into the room and pulled a towel down off the shelf, setting it within easy reach. He dropped down to sit in the space between the wall and the tub and leaned his head back against the wall. He blew out a sigh and I could see how exhausted he was. I felt guilty for that. I couldn't help feeling like it was my fault. It was late at night I was pretty sure, he should be in bed, not up and worried about me. 

"We found them Jo," he said the words so calmly I blinked a few times before my brain actually registered what I thought I had heard. 

I sloshed the water in the tub as I moved towards him. "Where?" I demanded. My mind started racing, my mind and body sluggish at first but it was waking up. 

"Not far," Negan said calmly as he stared into my eyes. It felt like he was sizing me up somehow, guaging my reaction. "We have a plan."

I moved towards the edge of the tub, my eyes hard. "Tell me where they are," I demanded. 

Negan watched me for a few minutes. He reached out and laid his hand over mine where it rested on the rim of the tub and he gave it a gentle squeeze. "We'll get them together," he promised me. "For now you need to rest." 

I nodded, but the adrenaline was coursing through my body now. I felt like I was waking up. I sat back in the tub, staring off at the tiles as my thoughts raced. I had been so consumed by my own grief I had forgotten about the people who did this. I had been blaming myself. 

Negan cleared his throat and when I looked up at him, his face was uncharacteristically serious. "Just tell me why Jo," Negan said wiping a hand over his face. 

I frowned at him, not understanding what he was talking about. 

"The closet," he clarified. "It seemed like you might be getting better, and then you go and pull some shit like this?" he growled. His frustration was palpable and I pulled back from it, wrapping my arms around my knees. The wet fabric was chilly against my skin, but I hardly noticed. 

He made a noise of frustration in his throat. "Why did you put yourself in that closet when you knew what it would do to you? Are you trying to stay this way? Are you giving up?" he snarled out the last question and I flinched away from him. 

Negan was the strongest person I knew and he had zero patience for someone who showed weakness. I dipped my hands below the water and stared at the pruning skin. Was that me now, was I weak. I turned my hands over and stared at the palms. There was no visible blood on my hands, but they certainly felt like they were covered. I hardly recognized them anymore. The amount of damage my hands were capable of was staggering to think about. 

"You gotta give me something sweetheart. It's been weeks. I can't keep doing this," he said, the anger leeching out of him. 

"I just wanted to feel something else." I said honestly. "Anything else but...Katie," I choked over her name. I felt like there was this great hole in my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees, burying my hands out of sight. I felt like if I didn't hold myself together I was going to fall apart and there would be nothing left of me. "Sometimes it's easier to be...her," I dragged off unsure how else to describe it. 

I doubted Negan understood, I didn't think he could, not really. No one but someone who had been through what I had could understand the things I had done to stay alive and keep my family safe. Now there wasn't anyone left but me. I looked up at Negan. I loved Negan, but he didn't need me, not really. Now I had something else. Vengeance. 

"Jo," Negan started to say. He couldn't hide the disgust on his face. He must have suspected why I would go there but now that he was staring it in the face he didn't like what he saw. I had always suspected one day he would wake up and realize who I actually was and he would leave. He wouldn't want me anymore when he finally realized how broken I was. It had finally happened just as I knew it always would.

He pushed himself to his feet and held out a towel. "Let's go to bed sweetheart," he said tiredly. 

I peeled off the wet clothes and settled on some warm pajamas. By the time I was ready for bed Negan was already laying there. He seemed thoughtful, but I was too much of a chicken to ask what he was thinking about. I probably didn't want to know. 

><><Negan><><

I held Jo all night. She felt so tiny in my arms, I was overwhelmed with the need to protect her. Jo meant more to me than I was willing to admit out loud. I couldn't lose her. I wouldn't. Not if I had to tear this whole place down brick by brick. I would do anything for her, I just wasn't sure if it would ever be enough.

I had promised her we would get them together, but she wasn't strong enough to go out from behind the fence. I couldn't trust that she could take care of herself. The only reason I had ever been able to stand it before was because I knew, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could defend herself. I used to think it was hard loving a fighter, but loving a victim was terrifying. I tightened my arms around her. Jo couldn't be there.

There was a soft knock at the door and I glanced down at her. She hadn't moved. She was truly exhausted and out cold. I slipped out of the bed and opened the door.

Travis was standing in the hall looking terrified that he had woken me up.

"Well are you just going to gawk or do you have something to say?" I demanded.

Travis jolted and swallowed nervously. "We got word on the walkies from D. He told me to relay that the trap has been sprung and it worked."

I nodded. "Good," I said sternly. "Let Regina and Garret know it's all going down tomorrow."

Travis nodded and hustled away quickly to follow my orders. I closed the door behind me and turned to head back to bed. I flinched to find Jo standing just behind me. Her skin in the moonlight was almost as pale as the sheet she had wrapped around herself. The shadows around her eyes made her look almost ill. I tightened my jaw. 

"I want to be there," she growled. Her eyes were glittering dangerously, the fire I had seen only briefly in the bathroom returning once more. But I couldn't trust it. She had been out of the game too long. She would be a liability. 

I swallowed. Whatever happened Jo couldn't be there. She wasn't well enough. I knew that now beyond a shadow of a doubt. Whatever false hopes I had been holding onto that some giant act of revenge would cure her were gone. My Jo was gone and she wasn't coming back.

Her eyes were glittering with rage but her hands were shaking. She wasn't in control. She was fighting with every part of her to hold herself together, to make me believe she was well enough. She was lying to me.  

"Course." I lied back. "Let's get some shut eye sweetheart."

I held up my arm and Jo settled in next to me, curling against my chest. I breathed out a sigh, knowing that after tomorrow Jo might never forgive me. She could hate me all she wanted, but selfishly I wouldn't let her go. I loved her even if she was broken. I wouldn't lose her, I couldn't.

><><

Hope you enjoyed the update!