Sixteen

HII! I'm sorry it took so long to post this😭 Uni has been killing me, and we have been allowed more time out here in Barcelona😁💚 I'm already working on chapter 17 (because I know you'll want to kill me after this one), so it should be up soon too🎉 I hope you enjoy this, and again, I'm sorry for keeping you waiting!🥺💚

PD: WTF I'VE JUST SEEN THIS STORY IS N1 UNDER THE TAG #SAMKISZKA😱 THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH💚 I can't believe people are really reading my story😭 thank you thank you thank you💚💚💚

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My lower lip felt like it would burst any minute, as I had repeatedly bit down on it for the previous hour. My unlocked phone rested on my nightstand, reminding me of its presence, while I sat down on my bed unsure of what to do. I had already made up my mind, but that didn't mean I was certain I had taken the right decision. Shaking my head, I forced myself to stop waiting around.

But I was too much of a coward. So, instead of pressing the call button that had been looking at me from my screen all afternoon, I deleted the dialled number and typed one the only one I knew by heart. I pressed "call", praying it wouldn't go to voicemail as I bit again on my lip for the hundredth time that day. The constant beeping on the line went on and on, increasing my nervousness, until it finally stopped.

-          Gwen? – Brooke said on the other side, with a slightly confused tone – Aren't you supposed to be in class?

-          I think I'm going to end things with Chase – I blurted out before I could regret it, closing my eyes and letting myself fall on my mattress.

Ever since the day my father called, waking up in Sam's arms had become something regular. In the two weeks that followed, we had always gone to bed together. In the most literal and innocent sense of it. Whether it was in my room or his, it didn't matter. During the day we acted as we normally would; as two friends normally would. But when night came, we naturally gravitated towards the other, falling in a deep slumber with tangled limbs in our shared warmth. We didn't talk about it or acknowledge the fact that cuddling with the other to sleep wasn't okay. It wasn't okay if we were supposed to be just friends. It wasn't okay if he wasn't ready for a relationship and had turned me down; it wasn't okay if I still kept on seeing Chase. But we carried on with it, being too weak to resist the primal need we had to be as close as possible to the other.

After spending so much time trying to convince myself that I needed to get over Sam, him acting this way only fuelled my already mixed up emotions. I had fought and forced myself to believe he didn't want to be with me, or with anyone at all according to his own words. But the fact that he still craved for my touch and presence in that intimate but yet not solely sexual way stirred my feelings. I had tried to remind myself that it was probably just something physical or platonic, but his tender touch and the way he looked at me said otherwise. I couldn't be making this up. I knew that keeping our "sleeping arrangement" that way would only lead to me getting hurt in the end, but I wasn't strong enough to put an end to it either. I'd rather cling onto that little something and deal with the ache than not having anything to hold on to at all.

Sam playing with my emotions, and me allowing him to, made things more complicatedwhen it came to Chase. After that night with Sam, I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him. I had been sort of avoiding him those last two weeks. He had invited me over a couple of times, and I had always found an excuse not to go. He had even showed up at my apartment on Thursday, as he had been doing for the past month and a half, but it didn't go further than kissing after I had told him I was too tired, not really feeling like fucking. Chase hadn't objected nor pressed on it after it. On the contrary, he had said it was completely okay. He had suggested watching some movie instead, letting me fall asleep curled up right next to him, while he played with my hair. I couldn't bring myself to end things with him that night, as I really did like him, but deep down I knew I would have to do it. I cared too much about him to mislead him that way.

We had never discussed exclusivity nor given any kind of name to what we had going on, but I couldn't help but still feel bad about keeping things going with him. He didn't know a thing about Sam, and I didn't understand what was going on in the latter's head. But the mere thought of sleeping with both of them, even if it were in two completely different ways, made me feel dirty.

-          What the hell are you talking about? – Brooke asked in an almost alarmed tone – Gwen, what happened?

I proceeded to tell her everything that had happened in the previous weeks with Sam, from the special and way too thoughtful Christmas presents to us not being able to go to sleep without the other. I didn't care if she would scold or sermon me about it anymore, there was no use in denying that I still felt something for Sam, no matter how bad I had fought it.

-          It's not fair for Chase, Brooke, and you know it – I concluded – I care too much for him to keep this going on. I really, really like him...

-          But he's not Sam – she finished for me, reminding me of my conversation with Matt. Even he had seen it back then – When are you going to tell him?

-          I wanted to tell him before tonight, but I really don't want to mess up with him before his show; it's his band's biggest gig so far – I explained, playing with one of the pillows beside me. Even if we weren't serious, I knew Chase had grown a little fond of me, and he wasn't completely unattached. I wasn't unattached either, as I actually liked the bond we had and cared about him, but I couldn't keep this going any longer – Maybe I can tell him once their show is over.

-          Yeah, tell him afterwards, you don't want to make it weird before he goes on stage – she agreed. Some seconds of hesitation went on, before she asked – Are you really sure about this?

-          No - I admitted with a sigh, running a hand down my face – But it's all I've got. See you tonight, Brooke – I finished before hanging up.

I went straight to the bathroom and took a bath, wanting to clear my head more than ever. Figuring out what and how to tell Chase stressed me; I really didn't want it to be awkward between us afterwards. After half an hour, I wrapped myself in a towel and headed back to my room, ready to put my outfit for the night on. It wasn't anything fancy, as I had opted for a pair of skinny leather pants with an oversized red cowl-neck jumper. I put some makeup and my boots on once I was done, stepping out of my room to look for my jacket in the living room.

Sam and Danny had gone back to Frankenmuth for the day, so they couldn't drive us to the bar Chase would be playing at. It was relieving to know they wouldn't be there, as I didn't need extra pressure before talking things out with their friend. Luckily Brooke had managed to borrow her sister's car, so after checking I had everything I needed, I exited my apartment, meeting my blonde friend in the parking lot and leaving for our destination.

The drive wasn't long, and soon we were parking in front of a middle-sized bar, neon lights flashing on the walls outside. We had come a little early, as I didn't want to risk being late for it. I knew it was important for Chase, and in spite of it all, I wanted to be there for him. Brooke and I made our way in, looking around for familiar faces as we took our coats off. I suddenly felt two hands around my waist, making me jump on my spot. I didn't need to turn around to see who it was, as only his touch elicited the bolts of electricity that sparkled all over my body.

-          Hey gorgeous – Sam said in a low voice from behind me as he leaned down to peck my cheek. To say I was surprised was an understatement; I really didn't expect him to be here. He was supposed to stay at his parents' all day. After letting go of my body he greeted Brooke with a short hug.  She shot me a warning look as she embraced his figure, having the same thoughts as me.

-          Hey Sammy – I said, clearing my throat – I didn't know you would be here...

-          Don't sound so disappointed – he winked jokingly, turning around to look at me – Danny was coming back from Frankenmuth for this and I didn't have another ride. He's already got a table close to the stage with Mackenzie, c'mon - he added, leading both me and Brooke to said table. Great, everybody was here.

-          Hey guys – I said with a forced smiled when we got there, sitting on one of the empty stools. Sam took the one by my side, making me curse internally.

-          Hey girls! – Danny greeted, taking a swig of his beer – Thought you wouldn't show up.

-          Why wouldn't we? – Brooke asked, a frown similar to mine on her face. I tilted my head to the side, not understanding what Danny was talking about.

-          I guess it's nothing – he replied, frowning a little bit himself - Oh, Gwen, Chase was looking for you.

-          Really? – I asked, cringing internally. I looked around the place to see if I could spot his tall frame in the room. There were still twenty-five minutes till he played, so he was probably grabbing a beer or checking that everything was plugged correctly. I had planned to avoid talking to him until his show was over, so I really prayed he would be somewhere backstage.

-          Yeah, speaking of the devil... - Mackenzie giggled before a pair of arms wrapped around my waist from behind for the second time that night. But this time, there wasn't any sparkle.

-          Hey, beautiful – Chase's deep voice said in my ear, making me turn around on my seat to face him. His hands left my waist, reaching up to cup my cheeks, before he leaned down and planted a full kiss on my lips.

The softness of his mouth wasn't enough to make me forget that our friends, and especially Sam, were sitting around us. So I pulled away after some seconds, placing my hands over his toned chest to create some distance. I didn't want to risk upsetting him with rejection before he played, but at the same time I couldn't keep it going.

-          Hey – I mumbled back before he pecked my lips once more. He let his hands fall back to my waist, adjusting himself to stand between my legs. I couldn't just call things off before he played; he couldn't be distracted before the show he had been waiting for so badly. But he must had seen my somewhat troubled face, becuase his thumbs started to rub circles over my hips in an attempt to relax me.

-          I'm sorry if I caught you off guard there – he whispered in my ear, apologising for the kiss. He pulled away a little to look at me, bringing one of his hands up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear – I just missed you – he added with a shy smile. His sweet and innocent self was only making things harder. I looked around, starting to feel self-conscious about the situation. Luckily, Brooke, Danny and Mackenzie were too engrossed in their conversation. And Sam, Sam wasn't exactly looking at us. But I could see his tensed-up body from the corner of my eye, as if he were aware of every movement and every word we said.

-          Chase, can I talk to you? After the show – I asked, trying to be as smooth as possible.

-          Sure – he said. He grabbed my wrists, sliding my hands from his chest up so that my arms loosely wrapped around his neck. I wanted to pull away really badly, but I didn't want him to think something was wrong minutes before he performed – Wanna come over tonight afterwards? – he asked, placing his big hands on my hips again.

Suddenly, Sam pulled his chair back with a stirring noise, making me jump on my seat. He gulped down the remainders of his beer angrily and stomped away, not looking back. I wanted to run after him and stop him, but I knew I couldn't. Everybody at our table stared at him as he walked away, the silence hovering around us being stronger that the actual music playing in the bar.

Danny cleared his throat, trying to break the awkwardness and resume the casual chat him and the girls were having. It was then that I realised that I still hadn't answered Chase.

-          Uhm, I don't know about that – I said looking down, trying to shake the thoughts of Sam walking away from my head. I had never stayed over at Chase's place before though, so it couldn't be that weird if I said no, right? Before he could get suspicious, I slid my hands from his neck and started rubbing his upper arms soothingly – But I'll be waiting for you right here, alright?

-          Okay – he sighed, dragging his own hands from my hips down to my thighs, squeezing them gently – I've got to go. Wish me luck – he winked, leaning down to peck my lips once more. He pulled away and gave me a little smile before walking away, meeting the rest of his bandmates that were already finishing plugging their amps.

The show was a total nightmare. Don't get me wrong, the music was good. But my mind was only thinking about Sam and where he had gone to. I couldn't spot him anywhere. But I couldn't just leave to look for him either, as I was sitting right next to the stage and Chase would notice. Seeing me with the blonde-haired guy had clearly bothered Sam, and I couldn't totally blame him. After the last two weeks the boundaries of our friendship had been blurred once again, even if we hadn't properly talked about it, my behaviour could have totally made him believe I had ended things with Chase.

A little part of me felt relieved, because his whole reaction meant that he still felt something for me, even if it was very little. But at the same time, I was panicking. For what he had seen, he could clearly believe that things were going great with Chase. He didn't know I had avoided the guy the previous weeks, and that I was planning on ending everything with him that day. It was all my fault though, as I should have spoken with both of them sooner. So I needed to make it better.

I shot him a couple of texts while the band played, asking him where he had gone to, but I got no response. I was starting to get nervous, because angry Sam wasn't something I was used to, and most of the times he had clamed down after some minutes. I could tell Danny and Brooke were a little worried too, but they tried to mask it; there was enough awkwardness around to make it even worse.

Once the show was over, I just wanted to leave the place. But Chase hopped off the stage and came to hug me, the rest of his band greeting our little group and thanking us for coming as well.

-          So, how was it? – Chase asked after he said hi to some of his friends that had come to see him. He grabbed both of my hands and laced our fingers, taking a step closer to me so that there was almost no distance between us.

-          You were great – I smiled sincerely. Even if I had been distracted, I knew the show had been great and that he had played awesomely.

-          Good - he smiled to himself, rubbing his thumbs over the back of my hands – What did you want to talk about? – he asked then, eyeing me curiously. I bit my lip, not knowing where to start.

-          Uhm, can we go somewhere more private? – I said, looking around the bar to find a quieter spot.

-          Sure – he replied, letting go of one of my hands and pulling me with the other one away from our table.

But just after we had walked some steps away from the stage, another one of his friends popped up.

-          Chase, dude, you totally rocked it! – he greeted him, pulling him into one of those man hugs.

-          Ethan! Hey, long time, no see! – Chase replied, patting his shoulder – How have you been?

And just like that they started talking, catching up animatedly as some of his other friends joined the conversation. Chase introduced me briefly, but was carried thanking everyone who had come to see him and chatting with them. I didn't want to be rude; it was his night and interrupting his joyful time to break things off felt wrong. He was already on his third beer, cracking up at some joke one of his high school friends had made when I decided there was no use in trying to talk to him that night. Not seeing Sam anywhere also made me want to leave. I couldn't let him overthink this.

-          Hey, what's wrong? – Chase asked with a worried face after I had tugged on his sleeve, making him look at me. The hand he had on my lower back came up to my shoulder, guiding us a few metres away from the rest of the group – I'm sorry, I know you wanted to talk. Do you want to go out so we can have more privacy? – he added with concern.

-          No, don't worry, I'll just head back home, I don't want to ruin the fun – I smiled at him. It could wait one more day. He frowned, but I talked again before he could say something – It's alright, I'm just a little tired.

-          Okay – he sighed, letting his hands fall from my shoulders – I'll give you a ride back home, it's late.

-          Thanks, but we came in Brooke's car; I'll just go with her – I replied, placing my hands on his waist. It warmed me that he cared so much, but it also made me feel guilty – You stay here and have fun, alright?

-          Alright – he agreed reluctantly, cupping my cheeks with his hands tenderly. We stayed like that for some seconds, just looking at each other, before he leaned down, allowing his lips to meet mine in a short kiss.

But my mind was set on making me feel bad, as all I could think about was Sam. I pulled away, looking down as shame took over me. Chase tilted my head, making me look up at him, so I forced a smile on my face.

-          I'll call you tomorrow, okay? – I said, letting go of his torso. He simply nodded, kissing me briefly one last time before his hands fell from my face, letting me walk away from him.

I couldn't help but look around for Sam, hoping he would still be there, but I couldn't find him anywhere. He had clearly left. Giving up, I walked over to Brooke. She was still talking with Danny and Mackenzie, as well as some other guys who had joined their table.

-          Hey, I kind of need to go home – I said, playing with my fingers nervously – I can take an Uber if you want to stay.

-          No, it's okay, I'm feel kind of sleepy anyways – she laughed, standing up from her stool and grabbing her coat. I grabbed my jacket and purse as well, which I had left at the table, and said goodbye to everybody. Danny shot me a worried look but said nothing, hugging us before we left.

Soon enough, we were back in our building, and I almost sprinted up the stairs wanting to reach the apartment. I was praying Sam would be there, needing to clarify things with him as soon as possible. The mere thought of him thinking I was playing him, even if it wasn't completely unfounded, was killing me. I just needed to talk to him, to let him know that things were not like they had seemed earlier.

But when I opened the front door of our shared place, I was met with darkness, indicating he wasn't at home. I sighed, walking to my room in disappointment. After changing my clothes to pyjamas, I grabbed my phone once more, hoping to find a text from him. Unsurprisingly, there wasn't any. I hesitated a little bit before pressing down the button to call him. I didn't want to seem desperate, but I couldn't stand knowing I had possibly hurt him.

He didn't pick up, so I tossed my phone on my bed and decided I would just wait for him to come back. I walked to his room and sat down on his bed, bringing my knees to my chest. The place smelled like him; a mixture of incense and cinnamon with a soapy hint that suited him perfectly. My eyes got lost in his walls, analysing every little detail that I had already studied during all the nights I had spent there. How neatly his stuff was organised entranced me; his mind was wild and chaotic in the most beautiful way, but when it came to his surroundings, he could be super tidy and methodical. But what suddenly called my attention was the journal I had given him, lying on his nightstand. Even if it was closed, you could tell some pages had been used, as they looked worn and slightly creased. I wanted to read it really badly, curious about what he could have written there. But I resisted the urge to grab it, not wanting to mess things up with him further if he found out.

I looked at the clock next to the journal, realising it had already been an hour and a half since I had arrived from the bar. I stood up and headed back to my room to check my phone, but there were no new texts from him. Taking it with me, I dragged myself back to his room, this time lying down on his bed. I didn't even bother with the covers; I just stayed still, playing with the necklace he had gifted me as I waited to hear the front door opening, to know that he was back and that we could make things better.

But it never did.

I woke up alone in his bed the following morning. There was no sign of him anywhere, and the apartment felt cold without him. I had stayed up for hours waiting for him to come back, but he never showed up. I tried to brush it off, heading to the shower to clear my mind and get ready for work.

My shift seemed never ending that day, as I couldn't stop trying to figure out how I could fix everything with him. I also needed to talk with Chase. He had band practice till late, but we agrred on meeting after dinner. I was not surprised when I got back home and Sam wasn't there, so I tried to focus on the paintings I had to finish to distract myself from it.

It was past dinner time and the long-haired boy was still nowhere to be seen, so after waiting for a while, I decided to cook up something on my own. I still made enough food for two people, as deep down I had the illusion he would show up. I treated myself with a glass of wine to relax, carrying my plate the veggie stir fry to the living room and sitting down on the couch to enjoy my meal.

Just as I was finishing doing the dishes, I heard keys jingling and the doorknob turning, indicating he was finally back home. I dried my hands quickly, eyeing the clock. It was 11:02pm, and I still hadn't talked with Chase, wanting to wait till Sam came back first. I breathed in deeply and smoothed my hair down, ready to face him after the previous night's events.

- Hey, I didn't know if you had eaten so I made you some foo- I said turning around but stopped dead in my tracks once I saw the scene in front of me.

There was Sam, with his hair messy and the remainders of a laugh coming out of his plump mouth, but that was not the problem. The problem was the redheaded girl that was clinging from his neck, pressed to the side of his body like her life depended on it. His left arm wrapped around her waist, grazed by her long orange curls, making sure she stayed there. You could also see a light trace of her lip gloss smeared around his neck, matching the same tone her mouth was sporting. You didn't have to be a psychic to know what was going on.

Our eyes met and I swore I could see a hint of regret in his features once he looked at me, but he covered it quickly with a stern face. Shock, disillusion and defeat rushed through my body, making the hand I had raised to prepare his food's serving shake a little. I let it fall down slowly, the silence surrounding us being almost deafening. The girl looked confused, but I didn't care. I wanted to cry, but I knew I had no right to. Slowly, as we stared at each other, everything that I was feeling started fading away. There was no anger, no hurt, no disappointment. I simply felt drained from all emotions as he stood in our living room with a gorgeous redhead hanging from his body.

- We have already eaten – Sam said monotonously after some seconds, breaking eye contact and looking down to the food I had prepared. He didn't even bother to introduce his companion to me, who was still eyeing me perplexed.

- I- I see – I responded, clearing my throat. I turned around and walked to the counter, not being able to face him anymore. I passed the food from the plate to a nearby bowl nervously, putting it away in the fridge afterwards. I had expected them to walk away while I cleaned up, but they were still standing there, making things even more uncomfortable – I'll leave you two to... you know – I said awkwardly after turning around, smoothing down my clothes, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

I walked past them quickly, wanting to leave that place as soon as I could. I hurried to my room and grabbed my purse and jacket, not even caring if it matched my clothes. I just needed to leave.

Going back into the living room, I didn't even say goodbye to them. They seemed too wrapped up cuddling on the couch, with her kissing his earlobe sensually. I felt a pang in my chest; this just couldn't be happening. I rushed down the stairs, taking my phone out of my pocket to call for an Uber. I needed to see Chase.

The car arrived some minutes later, and I hopped in. Danny and Chase's apartment was close so it didn't take long to get there. I already knew the code to get into the building, so I simply pressed it and walked into the elevator, feeling my limbs trembling. I couldn't let this situation hit me, I just couldn't.

Holding back my tears, I stepped out of the lift once it reached the 6th floor, walking down the corridor to the door I knew so well. I knocked on it impatiently, feeling like I would break apart any minute. I had forgot to text Chase I was coming, but I hoped it wouldn't matter; I just needed to see him. The door suddenly opened, stopping me from pacing back and forth in front of it.

- Gwen? – Chase asked with a confused face when he saw my shaken-up state.

Instead of replying I walked over to him and grabbed his face, bringing it down to mine and planting my lips on his forcefully. He was clearly shocked at my eagerness, but quickly kissed back, grabbing me by the hips to pull me closer. Walking us in without breaking the kiss, he closed the door, pressing me against it but pulling away.

- Gwen, what's going on? – he asked worriedly, a frown prominent on his features as he scanned my face further. Again, I ignored his words. I just needed to forget.

So I kissed him once more, moving my mouth hungrily against his at a heated pace, tugging at his hair gently. He grabbed me by the back of my thighs and lifted my body, making me wrap my legs around his torso and walked us to his room. I kissed down his jaw and neck on the way, running my hands down his firm chest. He kicked the door close behind us as I bundled his t-shirt up, him groping my ass. He moved us towards his bed, laying me down gently before he removed his top and leaned down, hovering over me.

I grabbed his face and pulled it closer, wanting to feel his lips against mine again, but he pulled away after some seconds, looking at me with worry.

- Kiss me – I begged in a weak voice, tangling my fingers with his hair and staring at him pleadingly. It was all I needed. He didn't respond, so I leaned up to capture his lips with mine, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him closer to me. He was still kissing me hesitantly, and pulled away before it could escalate further. He rested his forehead against my shoulder and sighed, closing his eyes – Chase, please, just kiss me – I repeated, my voice breaking this time. I single tear slid down my temple from the corner of my eye, but my hands were too busy keeping him close to my body to brush it away.

- No – he replied in a low voice after some seconds, lifting his head from my shoulder. Our eyes met, and I could see worry in them, but knowingness too. He shook his head and climbed off of me, reaching down for his t-shirt on the floor and putting it on.

He sat back down on the bed, turning to see me lying next to him. I closed my eyes as he wiped the tears that were slowly sliding down my face, brushing away some strands of hair that were sticking to my wet cheeks too. Sliding an arm under my trembling body, he lifted me and cradled me against his chest tightly, rocking us slowly as I cried silently.

After a while I managed to somewhat put myself together, retrieving my face from the crook of his built shoulder and looking at him. He smiled tightly, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead.

- I'm sorry – I whispered, placing my hands around the base of his neck.

- I know – he said back, sighing deeply. He ran his hands up and down the sides of my body as I straddled him, taking his time to look at me – I have known for a while you are still in love with him.

I closed my eyes, feeling another tear escaping my eyes. I didn't know what to say or do.

- You knew all this time? – was all I could ask, looking down in shame.

- Of course I knew – he chuckled softly, kissing the top of my head as he hugged me closer – I've seen the way you look at him. And the way he looks at you. There's no use hiding it.

- Chase, I'm so sorry – I repeated, feeling awfully – It just got out of my hands, I never wanted to mislead you or-

- Gwen, it's alright – he reassured me, pulling back to look at me – I guess it's just not our time – he finished with a friendly shrug.

- You are too good to me – I chuckled sadly, wiping one last tear from my face. I looked up at him again and bit down on my lip, wondering why I couldn't just simply fall for this amazing guy in front of me and not for the one who had hurt me all over again back at home. I leaned in hesitantly, but kissed his cheek meaningfully – I'm sorry – I finished, knowing this had been the end to whatever had been going on romantically between us.

- Don't be – he replied, but then turned to look at me intently – Did he hurt you? – there was a frown on his face this time.

- Yes. I mean, no, not physically, he would never – I added once I felt his muscles tense up under my hands. He relaxed a little bit, but kept on staring at me expectantly – Can- can I just stay here for tonight?

- Of course – he softened, not pressing on the reason why I had ended up there. He reached for his drawer and gave me some clothes, cuddling me to sleep once we both slid under the covers.

It didn't feel like falling asleep with Sam, but at least I could let go.

————————————————————Don't hate me🙃