Eleven

Cooking dinner with Sam wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. We kept the conversation to the bare minimum, but not out of awkwardness. We really felt comfortable in the other's silence, especially with another one of his records blasting through his record player's speakers, lost in our own thoughts. In contrast with the other two occasions in which we had been "intimate" with the other, we didn't feel uneasy around the other after kissing this time. Because all of the other times, we had something to blame it on to. The party, the silly game, the alcohol, the joint, the curiosity of knowing we had fucked but not remembering it. But this time, we had been sober. Sober from any kind of drug or drink. Sober from the peer pressure of a silly spin the bottle game. Sober from the need to remember the feeling of the other's lips, as we had already given in to the other that afternoon in which we had gotten high. This time, we had been perfectly aware of what we were doing, and we had let it happen, clearly showing that it was something we both desired.

- Well, that's it – Sam said after putting the last of our homemade pizzas in the oven. He wiped his hands with the dishcloth on the counter and turned to look at me – They should be done in 15 minutes or so – just as he threw the piece of cloth over the counter again, our front door opened. Ronnie and Carmen walked in, the first one holding a duffle bag that seemed to be about to explode.

- Hey there – she greeted as they both walked into the living room – It already smells great guys, is it pizza?

- Yes, your brother has a killer recipe – I smiled at her as I grabbed the dirty bowls we had used while cooking and started placing them on the empty sink – It's literally the best pizza I've ever tried.

- Oh, that's mom's recipe then – she beamed, while her friend remained silent right next to her – You should try her pizzas. Even if we follow each of her steps, her's always taste better. Sam, take her over next time there's a pizza night back at home, she'll love it.

- Um, sure – Sam said as I blushed. But deep down, we both knew he wouldn't invite me, not if it meant running into the rest of his family – I'm going to take a shower, do you mind to take the pizzas out once they are done? – he asked turning to me.

- Yeah, it's okay – I replied, earning a little squeeze on the shoulder from him before he headed towards the hallway.

- Hold on, where can Carm and I get changed? – Ronnie asked around, stopping her brother with her question.

- Oh, erm, let me grab some stuff and clothes from my room and it's all yours then. My mirror is kind of small but you can use the one in the bathroom after I'm done – Sam answered, scratching the back of his neck.

- You can get ready in my room, I don't mind it – I blurted out, making both girls turn to face me – You have a full-length mirror there, and you can grab some of my make-up if you need it. I'll be here cleaning up this mess so I won't be there anyways – I added shrugging as I continued to pile all the dirty cookware in the sink.

- Are you sure? – the female Kiskza asked, clearly looking more excited about changing in my room than her vanity-lacking brother's one. I nodded, and both girls smiled at me – Thanks a lot Gwen, you are the best – she said, before they both followed Sam out of the room.

- Wait – the boy said, walking back into the living room and looking at me – Can we talk later? – he asked, looking kind of nervous but still expectant.

- Sure – I smiled, trying to hide my own nervousness before he turned around to follow his sister and her friend who were already wandering around the apartment.

He clearly showed them to my room, because fifteen minutes later Ronnie came back into the kitchen, already in her dress for the night. Carmen must have been still trying on clothes, and I could hear Sam's shower still running.

- You look awesome – I complimented as she stood right next to me. I was still doing the dishes, but I took a look at her beautiful outfit and she was definitely stunning, making me wonder if the whole Kiszka pack looked as breath-taking as the only two members I had met. Even though she didn't have any make-up on, you could easily tell she was a gorgeous girl.

- Thank you! I still need to put some lipstick and mascara on, as well as some high heels, but well, it's more comfortable like this to have dinner – she shrugged. Compared to Sam, she was definitely short. But next to me, there was no height difference to appreciate – Hey, let me help, you two have already cooked all afternoon – she added, grabbing a clean dishcloth and starting to dry out the bowls and spoons I had finished washing.

- Thanks – I smiled appreciatively – Sam never mentioned you were back in town, you study in Chicago, right? – I asked, trying to make some small talk. I had already taken a like to Ronnie; she seemed to be someone you could easily get on with.

- Yeah, I'm majoring in business there. We had this week off so I decided to come back, I hadn't visited Frankenmuth in a while. It's a 40-minute drive from here, kind of a small town. I would ask about your studies but I think I already know everything about you – she laughed, wiping a dish dry as she did. Standing side by side, we were making a good cleaning team – Sam wouldn't shut up about you during dinner yesterday, and it looks like you have sparked some interest in Jacob and Joshua too.

- I haven't met them – I admitted as I blushed at this new information, trying to distract myself with tearing off some remainders of cheese from one of the spoons we had used with the sponge.

- Oh, Josh kept teasing Sam about some time you talked, so I thought you did.

- I picked up Sam's phone once and it was him, but it was a silly conversation and lasted less than a minute – I shrugged.

- So, you haven't actually met them? – she asked, suspicion evident in her voice. I shook my head no, trying to avoid her scrutinizing gaze, to which she raised her eyebrows.

- So, did Carmen come from Chicago with you? – I asked, changing topics as I was starting to feel uncomfortable talking about the whole Sam's brother's situation.

- No, she's a friend from here, from Frankenmuth – she replied, clearly catching up with my uneasiness and placing the now dry dishes on the cupboard above her – We have been friends since high school and our families used to be super close, but we went separate ways once we graduated as she chose Seattle. I still kept in touch with her though, and in spite of all of the drama she's still my best friend.

- Drama? – I asked, trying to sound casual.

- I'm guessing Sam never told you about her either, but I'm not surprised – she replied with a sad smile, making me frown. – Carm and him used to date, they were together for over a year – my eyes widened at the realisation but, again, I tried to keep focused on my cleaning task.

- Oh – I mumbled, suddenly feeling awkward – What happened?

- I feel like that's not my story to tell. Sam doesn't like to talk about it either, but I don't know, you should ask him some time – she replied as I closed the water tap, finally finishing washing everything. She could clearly see I felt embarrassed about being nosy, so she nudged me with her elbow playfully – Hey, it's okay. It messed up a lot with him, and it's weird for me talking about it because it's my best friend and brother, but it's all good. I mean, it's sort of weird taking into consideration that I witnessed you two about to tear each other's clothes this afternoon and now we are talking about his fucked up history with his ex; but apart from that we are okay – she laughed, trying to ease the mood with her joking comment. I froze for a second, remembering his ex had to witness that too, but I chuckled, shaking my head in disbelief as I followed her to the couch – What's up with that, anyways?

- It's complicated – I playfully said, teasing her with the same words her brother used when she questioned him about it earlier.

- Oh, come on – she rolled her eyes as we both sat down on the sofa – Okay, you are not dating, I get it. But what, are you hooking up?

- Not exactly – I replied, playing with the fringed hem of one of the cushions as I got comfortable.

- Mhm, so there's no sex involved then? – I bit down on my lip, not being able to reply. But she must have seen it on my face, because excitement took all over her – Of course there is! I wouldn't have believed you if you told me otherwise, anyways, because things looked pretty steamy this afternoon and we both know what would have happened if Carm and I hadn't been there. How long has this been happening for? Are you like friends with benefits?

- No! I mean, I don't know, it's just... - I threw my head back, not knowing how to keep on with this conversation. Not only did I feel uneasy sharing my sex life with said boy's sister, but as always, I didn't even know where we were standing either. Luckily for me, Sam walked into the room, wearing his usual sweatpants but with a hoodie on, in contrast with his normal shirtless fashion.

- Hey ladies – he said, plopping down on the couch next to Ronnie. She gave me one of those "we'll continue this later" looks before turning to her brother – Are the pizzas already out? I'm starving.

- When aren't you? – she teased him, earning herself an eye-roll.

- They'll be done in... three minutes – I said, checking the time on my phone – Should we set the table? – I asked, looking back at our messy dining table. Tons of papers, canvases and text books flooded it.

- Nah, it's okay, we'll manage here just fine – he answered after taking a look at the mountain of stuff, pointing to the tinnier coffee table instead after turning around – I hope you don't mind, Ron?

- Oh, no, suite yourself guys, we don't want to intrude – she smiled – I'm going to look for Carm, I guess we'll be eating in a couple minutes – she added, before standing up and exiting the room.

Dinner went on smoothly. The pizzas were delicious, and both girls joined us with the beers, as Ronnie claimed that "pre-pre-gaming" is key to a good night. Carmen didn't talk much but it wasn't that awkward either, as the Kiszka duo made it hard to have a moment of silence. Surprisingly, Sam didn't feel uncomfortable about me meeting his sister, and actually seemed quite relieved that we were getting along wonderfully. After his whole issue with me seeing his band live and meeting the twins, I had expected him to act differently. But he clearly felt okay about the bond the girl and I started to build.

Things got a little more tense after dinner though, when Ronnie walked back into my room to apply some make-up and put her shoes on, while her friend remained sitting on the couch with us. She was ready to go, purse in hand and all, but Veronica was taking more than the three of us had expected to come back into the room, leading to the wave of slight awkwardness that hovered over the room.

Sitting in between her and Sam, I couldn't contain myself and stole a couple glances from the corner of my eye, not paying attention to the movie playing in front of us at all. She was taller than me, and though the tanned tone of her skin matched mine, her hair made it stand out more. It was long like my own, but her golden locks clearly caught one's eye immediately, while my straight brown hair didn't have such magic to it. Looking at her face, I could see she was beautiful too. Even though her eyes were brown, they had a certain spark that went perfectly with the light colour of her mane. It was obvious what Sam had seen in her; she was perfect. Next to her, I felt insecure. If this was the kind of girl he had fallen for, he was clearly way out of my league. Which I shouldn't have minded, as Sam was just my roommate. But still, I couldn't prevent myself from thinking about what nickname he must have for her, or where did he take her on dates, or which was "their song". A slight pang of sadness, mixed with a little hint of jealousy, hit me as I thought of him holding her, touching her and repeatedly making love to her when I couldn't even remember the only night we had shared together, which consisted of merely drunken sex.

The three of us remained silent until Ronnie walked back into the room, make-up and high heels on, ready to leave. Both her and Carmen waved us goodbye before walking out the door, firmly shutting it as they left Sam and I alone. We kept on watching the movie for a while, which I actually wasn't focusing on till he decided to speak up.

- Hey – he said in a rather hoarse voice, catching my attention. He cleared his throat right away; he was obviously nervous.

- Hey – I said back, turning my face to look at him.

- We need to talk – he started, taking the hair tie that always laid around his wrist and putting his hair up in a messy bun.

- I know – I said softly, somehow surprising him. I raised and eyebrow at his amusement, but didn't comment on it.

- Well, okay – he said, looking down and rubbing his hands on his thighs, trying to calm himself down.

- Sam, it's me, relax – I said, scooting closer after turning the TV off. I placed one hand on his arm and started rubbing it soothingly. He let out a nervous chuckle but turned to smile up at me, a genuine smile showing on his face. He bit his lower lip, studying my face intently until his eyes fell on mine.

- I really like you, Gwen – he said after some seconds – Like, really, really like you – it was me the one biting on my lower lip this time, trying to contain the wave of emotions that started running down my body at his words – I mean, I think it's pretty obvious right now – he laughed – You are beautiful, you are kind, you are smoking hot, you are smart. You are caring and you are supportive. Hell, you have a wonderful mind, and that's the sexiest part of you. You make me laugh, you get on my nerves, you turn me on and you also make me soft. You are driving me crazy here, Gwenny – he listed. I was blushing like a mad woman, not only because nobody had ever said something like that to me, but because the emotion that poured on his words tingled all of my nerves. I leaned closer and nuzzled into the crook of his neck, running the tip of my nose over the soft skin there slowly.

- But? – I asked, already knowing but still dreading what would follow. He sneaked his arm around me and squeezed me against his body, keeping my pressed to his side before following.

- But as much as I want to, we can't do this – he sighed, rubbing his face with the hand that wasn't drawing circles on my bare thigh. Silence feel upon us. He dropped his head back, facing the ceiling and closing his eyes. His thumb kept on caressing the skin of my leg absentmindedly but I removed my face from the crook of his neck, resting it cautiously on his chest.

- We should have had this conversation earlier – I commented after a while.

- I know – he sighed. Some more seconds went by before I decided to speak again.

- I really like you too, Sam – I started, sitting up a little so that I could look at him in the eye. He could sense my nervousness, so he squeezed my thigh gently, encouraging me to go on – I like it how you can always pull a smile out of me, I like it how you focus on what's important for you, I like it how you care about the ones around you – I bit my lip as he grabbed my hand with his free one. Knowing that it would all end that night, I kept on letting out everything I had been holding back, swallowing hard before continuing - I like it that you are a great cook, and I like it that you are a music genius, I like it that you understand me. I like your smile, I like your hands, I love your hair - he chuckled, intertwining our fingers – I like how passionate you are and your way of thinking. Even if I don't agree with all of it, I like it all the same. And I could go on for ages listing what I like about you, but I guess there's no point, right? – I chuckled sadly this time, looking down.

- I get it – he mumbled with a sad smile, lifting the hand he had around my leg and brushing some hair off my face, tilting it up.

- I like you, Sam. And I've never felt this sort of pull, because I don't know what else to call it, towards someone before. And it only makes it harder, because I've been telling myself for weeks that this can't happen, because I know it can't. I really don't understand what's going on between us, but I know that I like you and that I don't know what to do anymore.

- Gwen... – he said softly as he saw my lower lip quiver, cupping my face gently. I breathed deeply, knowing I couldn't cry because of this, quickly regaining my composure.

- I've tried bringing this whole thing up before, but I guess I never really found the time and that I also wanted to push it away. Maybe if I ignored it, it would go away – I chuckled, shaking my head – I'm sorry.

- You don't have anything to apologise for – Sam said lovingly – I wish things could be different. But living together will only make it messier if we keep on with this, and I care too much about you to throw it all away. You have become my best friend, Gwenny – I raised my eyebrows playfully as I looked at him – Well, you and Danny both are – he rolled his eyes laughing – But the point is I'd rather keep you as my roommate and friend than risking it all.

- How do you know keeping things this way won't ruin it all anyways? – I cautiously asked, trying to tame the little hope I still had inside. To keep the door of illusion open for as long as I could.

- I don't – he shrugged, sighing.

- I mean, I understand that we can't. But this wasn't a simple hook up for me. I stopped considering we were just "messing around" the moment I started feeling things for you, so I can't understand how we can go back from this when, at least from my side, there are emotions already involved. I feel like I get hurt either way – I finally admitted. It felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, but that my heart sank deep at the same time. Sam inhaled and exhaled deeply, seeming lost in thought. I let go of his hand and looked away.

- I'm not ready for any kind of relationship – he said after some seconds. My whole body stiffened, and it felt like a dagger had gone through my chest with his words, but I remained silent. Every single remainder of hope I had, vanished in a second – And that's why I think we should take some time from each other – he added, making me look at him right away – We'd still live together and have dinner together everyday and all of that roommates' things. But I don't know, I think we should stop spending every single second we can around each other as we do now. Have some space. And cut it with the cuddling on the couch and touchy manners, which I know are mostly my fault, but still. I know I won't get over you any time soon if we keep things like they are right now, so I think it's for the best – he continued, sounding as if he were trying to convince himself – I don't want the rest to change or to make it weird. It's just for some time, until things go back to normal.

"Normal", his voice echoed in my head. I couldn't recall a single second in which the way I felt towards Sam had been normal, but I brushed it off. Sighing, I nodded, knowing there was nothing else I could do.

- It's okay – I tried smiling at him, but I guess that I miserably failed, as his own face fell. I looked away, trying to hide the embarrassment and disappointment that had probably taken over my features.

- Come here – he said, opening his arms. I crawled the distance I had unconsciously taken away from him and leaned into his body, letting him strongly wrap his arms around my tiny frame in a firm hug. I held onto his figure tightly, taking in his soapy scent when I nuzzled my face into his neck for the third time that day. As time went by, I felt like I could stay right there forever, not caring about a thing in the world. Just me and Sam, in each other's arms.

- I think I should go – I mumbled after some minutes, retreating from the warmth of his body. His arms fell from my waist to my lower back as I sat up – You should get some sleep too.

He nodded and I stood up. He adjusted the cushions on the couch to make himself comfortable to sleep while I looked for the blanket we always kept in the living room, finding it all crumbled near the TV. I grabbed it and turned around to walk back to the couch. He had already removed his hoodie, leaving his torso naked, once I reached him and helped him to extend the piece of cloth over his body, sort of tucking him in. I looked down at him from where I stood and bit my lip when he reached for my hand, pulling me down. Sitting there at the edge of the sofa, with the warmth of his bare skin so close to mine and his face close enough for me to touch it, I closed my eyes, trying to supress all of my feelings.

He cupped my face again with the hand that wasn't holding me, and I couldn't help but lean into the touch. I opened my eyes after some seconds and stared down at him. I couldn't prevent my hand from tucking a loose strand of hair that had fallen from his bun either, letting it rest against the side of his face gently afterwards. Without breaking the eye contact, he tilted his head enough so that he could place a tiny kiss to my palm. His mouth grazed my skin as he moved it to my wrist, kissing the spot there twice. Without warning, he pulled my face closer to his, brushing our noses. I closed my eyes again; I couldn't deal with his loving eyes anymore. Not when we were about to end things. His lips hovered over mine, barely touching them, before capturing them in a soft kiss.

That was it. This would be my last kiss with Sam. A little voice in my head told me to pull away, that this would only hurt me more. But I was already hurt knowing that no matter how bad I liked him, "we" would never happen, so I gave in and kissed him back. The kiss was different. This kiss was slow, tender but strong. This kiss wasn't going anywhere. And that's what made it nerve wracking. We knew this kiss wouldn't lead onto anything else. It was just a kiss. It wasn't driven by lust or physical need. It was purely emotional. It was a goodbye. So, we spilled all of what we had into it, savouring each second and each touch, not wanting to let go. I tried to keep each single detail in my head, the feeling of his warm tongue caressing mine, his velvety lips sucking on mine and his big hands engulfing my body.

With all the strength I had, I managed to slowly pull away, fighting hard against the tears that I could feel would start to threaten to spill if I stayed longer. Swallowing hard, I sat back up, getting away from the feeling of his breath against my skin and his fingers around my neck. I looked down at him one last time, taking in his now plump lips and his clouded eyes before speaking.

- Goodnight, Sam.

And just like that, I stood up, and walked away to my room. Walked away to finally let a single tear stream down my face. Walked away from the guy I had fallen in love with.