006

Seunghyun's POV — Hospital Room, Seoul, June 2017

There is no pain quite like the one of waking up from trying to kill yourself.

It's not just the body — though that hurts like hell.The nausea, the throbbing headache, the cold sweat glued to every inch of skin.It's not even the taste of charcoal still lingering in your throat, bitter and thick like punishment.

No.

The worst part is the shame.

The moment you realize you're still here.The weight in your lungs that says you failed again.Failed at living.Failed at dying.

Useless.

So useless, you couldn't even get that part right.

I blinked up at a pale hospital ceiling.White. Cracked at one corner. One fly lazily crawling across the fluorescent light.Beep. Beep. Beep.Some machine decided I was worth monitoring.

I wasn't restrained, but there was an IV in my arm and gauze on my wrists. My chest felt heavy — from the pills, from the shame, from everything I tried to silence with a handful of sleeping aids and a half-hearted goodbye.

I don't remember swallowing them.I remember the silence after.I remember closing my eyes and thinking:

"At least he won't have to deal with this anymore."

"At least I'll stop being a stain on his shine."

But now I was awake.Alive.

The world didn't stop.Ji Yong still had to go on stage.Still had to smile.

And I had made it harder.

I was supposed to love him from afar.Support him, even broken.Not make him worry. Not be another wound.

Instead, I was the storm cloud hanging over his name in the headlines.

"BIGBANG's T.O.P Hospitalized After Overdose."

"Marijuana Scandal Sparks Outcry."

"Military Service Interrupted by Medical Emergency."

Nothing about me being tired.Nothing about the way I hadn't recognized myself in months.Nothing about the voice in my head that kept whispering: "You're nothing but a shadow of who you used to be."

The nurse entered, adjusted something on the monitor, didn't speak.Didn't look at me like a person.

Just a chart.

Maybe that's what I deserved.

When she left, I reached for my phone.It buzzed the second I touched it.

34 missed calls.19 new messages.6 voicemails.

No texts from the company.No apology from the media.

But all the voicemails?

Ji Yong.

I stared at his name until the screen dimmed.

My thumb hovered.Then I pressed play.

"Hey... are you okay?"

His voice was raw. Small.

I bit down on my lip, hard enough to hurt.I needed the pain to stay present.

Next one.

"Seunghyun. Please. I need to know you're—fuck, I just—I need you to pick up. Just say something. Say you're fine. Lie to me, I don't care."

I closed my eyes.

A tear slipped down my temple into the pillow.I deserved this.All of it.

Next.

"You didn't call me. You didn't fucking call me. Why didn't you? I would've—fuck, I would've stopped the concert. I would've walked off stage and come to you. Don't you get that?"

My stomach twisted.

I imagined him on the hotel floor, red-eyed, fists clenched around his phone.

I imagined him breaking and still singing.

Still dancing.

Still leading.

While I...I laid in a hospital bed surrounded by shame.

Next.

"You're my fucking everything, and you didn't think that maybe I deserved a chance to hold you when it got bad?"

I cried.

Not loud. Not violently.Just quietly. Steadily.Like leaking.

He loved me.He really did.

And I almost left without saying goodbye.

The last message was just his breathing.Ragged. Choked.Then a whisper I could barely make out:

"Please don't leave me."

I didn't press play again.

I just held the phone against my chest, fingers gripping the edge like a lifeline.

He was still there.

Still on the other side of this chaos.

Still willing to love the worst version of me.

Still there. Still him.

That thought clung to me like a second skin, warm and soft and terrifying.

I sat there, the phone in my hand, staring at the grey morning light bleeding through the half-closed blinds. The city was waking up outside — taxis honking, mopeds screaming, people going about their lives like nothing had happened.

Like I hadn't just broken the person I loved.

I opened our chat.

Typed.

Deleted.

Typed again.

I'm sorry.

Send.

I shouldn't have made you worry. I should've called you.

Send.

You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve me.

I paused.

Stared at that last one.

Pressed send anyway.

My fingers trembled. My chest ached. It wasn't from the meds. It was deeper than that — like my soul had been carved out with something dull.

He hadn't replied yet.Maybe he was asleep.Maybe he was too tired.Maybe he hated me now.

And honestly?

Maybe he should.

I leaned back in the hospital bed.The room smelled like antiseptic and bad decisions.

I looked around. On the bedside table: a Bigbang-themed energy drink someone had left.One of our promo collabs.My face and Ji Yong's side by side.

I stared at it for a long moment.

Then I threw it in the trash.

I started looking through my phone.One by one, I began to clear things out.

Photos of us backstage? Deleted.The group chat with the members? Left silently.Messages from Ji Yong? Archived — but never read again.

My Spotify playlist — the one titled "GD" full of his solo tracks, his demos, that one stupid audio clip of him singing the Lion King theme off-key in 2012 — gone.

Unfollowed the Bigbang fan accounts.Muted every group-related term I could think of.

I wasn't angry.Just... determined.

I didn't want to hurt him anymore.Didn't want to be a reminder every time he opened his phone.

He deserved someone strong.Someone who didn't end up in a hospital bed.Someone who didn't self-destruct under pressure.

I typed one more message.

You don't have to reply. Just know I'll be okay. I'm gonna get better. But maybe... not as your Seunghyun. Not for now.

Im so sorry.

Send.

That was the last one.

I set the phone down.

Pulled the blanket up to my chin like a child.Curled into myself.Closed my eyes.

And started mourning the life I was choosing to erase.

Because I loved him.

And that's exactly why I had to disappear.

Hello my pretty people, sorry If I took more time for this chapter, it really stabbed me to writte Seunghyuns POV on this, but at the same time I kinda felt good to writte down a bit of what I felt when I was on a similar situation.

I also wanted to take the time to remind all of my dear readers that death is not the solution to your problems, and if you are experiencing thoughts about commiting suicide or harming yourself, just know that my messages are always open for everyone, and there are call lines for different situations. 

Here is a web for anyone that needs info:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/help-for-suicidal-thoughts/

Thats all my pretty people, I hope you liked the chapter, soon things will get better !

If you liked dont forget to comment and vote for more !!