Chapter 14

STEVE'S POV

I set down my journal and pen late at night. That's all this little leather notebook is full of, these little lines. It's a great use of my artistic skills. I haven't been inspired in a long time.

Current count of the lines? I'm not really sure. I lost track after two thousand.

That's over two thousand days without her. Over five years.

No wonder she used to call me a hopeless romantic.

It doesn't hurt like it used to. The constant pain faded to war scars, as all pain does. After Thanos' snap, I was a wreck, determined to do anything to get her back. But we failed. Now he's dead and so is she. And I'm still stuck here for who knows what reason.

I see her everywhere. I see her in Natasha, whose hair has slowly returned to red. I see her in reruns of Friends and Broadway soundtracks she loved listening to. I see her in early morning runs and in my nightmares. I especially see her in her brother, Pietro, when he's confused and his forehead crinkles like hers used to, or in a spark of mischief in his eyes that I remember all too well.

There are better days than others. There are some that I'm actually happy. The only good thing to come out of this mess is a better relationship with Pietro. He's like a younger brother to me, and we both prefer the outskirts. Neither of us live in the compound anymore. I call the apartment our teammates got us for our wedding home now, and he has an studio a few blocks down. We meet for breakfast once or twice a week. I don't think we'll ever fully move on, but each other's company is better than being alone.

I still talk with the team, but it's different now. Nat still lives at the compound and Bruce has buried himself in experiments. I haven't seen Tony in nearly five years, but I know he has a daughter now. He and Pepper got married pretty quickly after Thor killed Thanos and they got a home outside of the city. I think that's good for him, but it always hurts to think about just because that was all I ever wanted. I haven't seen Thor, either. He's in New Asgard now, this place in Norway. Clint disappeared altogether. So much for Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

We've all found ways to occupy ourselves. Pietro's been taking classes at a local college to get a degree in some sort of computer science. He met a girl there, too. Maggie. She's a sweet girl. They're not serious, but he smiles more around her. I have tried a few dates at Nat's urging, but I just can't get back into it. I keep looking for Mer in other women. I can't help myself. She was incomparable. Now, I lead different support groups, because even though I'm still stuck in the past, I want as many people to see the future as possible.

The sun sinks low in the evening, outlining the New York City skyline in gold and red. I open the window, the wind blowing gently into my apartment. It's moments like these that make me realize how precious life is. I don't think I ever appreciated it enough.

Soft music plays on the stereo in the background as I smile. My smiles are harder to come by these days, but I try not to be miserable. She wouldn't want that.

The phone rings, and I pick it up. "Hello?"

"Hey Steve," a tired voice greets me. I sit on the couch.

"How's it going, Nat?"

"It's been better," she mumbles. "It's fine, though. I just called to check up on you. It's been a few weeks."

"I'm doing okay. Not much going on at the moment, as usual. You know."

"Yeah." Silence and static fill my ear as I wait for her to say anything else. "Well, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I am," I say. "Thanks."

"Any time. I'll talk to you later, Steve."

"Bye." I press end and stare at my phone for a minute. Somehow, I think she's been the most depressed out of all of us. She's always been a loner, and her family shattered with Thanos. It will never be the same. Maybe I'll visit her tomorrow. She'd like that.

For now, though, I go to bed early, lying there for two hours and listening to song after song until I finally drift off. And as always, I dream of her.

Short one, but I needed to set things up. Vote and comment, love you all!