Key To My Twisted Mind

"If I were to write a song about you, what do you think it'd be titled?" Oli asked me late one night. We were lying on the couch, the television displaying some carpet cleaner commercial. I shrugged.

"It definitely wouldn't be called 'Holly', because a song named after a girl is cliche as hell, and you're anything but cliche. So, maybe 'Poison', cause you think love or any kind of feeling is bad. I dunno." I replied with a small smile. He laughed at my horrible response.

"What about 'No Need For Introductions, I've Read About You On The Back Of Toilet Doors'?" He asked. "But I'd mean it in a nice way."

"First off, that title is too long, second, how the hell can that be in a nice way?" I looked over at him. I could see his tattoos running along his arms as they wrapped around me.

"You're the kind of girl to break someone's heart but leave them just wanting you back." He leaned down and kissed my cheek lightly. "Not all girls talked about on toilet doors are trashy."

"Still, I'd rather a song called, I dunno, something sweet, maybe even a song no one but you and I ever hear." I suggested, lightly kissing him. "A song written for me doesn't have to be heard by the whole world. I'd appreciate just hearing it once even."

"Sometimes I hate how wonderful you are."

"Well thanks, dick-wad, I honestly am feeling your true feelings here."

"Good, so I can add to them. I feel like you're on this whole other planet sometimes, but at the same time, on the same planet as me. I kind of hate that too, because my world is a tad twisted and dark, and you don't deserve that, but then, you claim we're partners in crime. I like that notion. You're the first girl I've met who doesn't want to be treated like a princess. I like that so much, and I-I just, fuck. Then you think and believe some things, for example, you don't like to read books about terrible things, but I'm just all about terrible things. I worry that you don't really like me but pity me." He sighed. "Please do tell me you truly like me, because I think my heart would literally shatter into millions of unfix-able pieces if you don't like me. I care far too much about you and I hate that I do, but I really only want to be closer to you. It's like my mind is pulling itself apart with it's decision on what to feel about you. On one hand I can't get enough of you and I like the witty banter we have, but on the other hand, I want to despise you and dispel you from my life. I just want to shout your name out the night sky, because your name alone is the most beautiful song ever written."

I stared at him, completely abandoning watching whatever show had been on that late at night. He didn't say anything else, and I didn't even know where to begin. I loved when Oli word vomited like that, it helped me to see what he thought about most often, what he was feeling. It was like he was handing me a key into his mind for me to sift through. He was biting his bottom lip nervously, awaiting my carefully chosen words.

"I like you. I like you a lot, probably as much as you like me."

"Not possible."

"We can argue about this, but not now. I'm glad that you like to see us as a team rather than yourself below me. I also like how you can tell me things like that. My mind isn't pulling itself apart about you, because I've already decided I like you. I want to be as close to you as possible, because you mean a lot to me. A-And, I'm not as good as you are with words, so I can't speak novels to you, telling you how I feel about you, but just know, I do care about you and I do like you, even if I may ever act like I don't." I smiled up at him, and he smiled back, the smile reaching his eyes and making them a smidgen brighter in the dark room. "C'mon." I pulled him up from the couch and he laughed.

"Where are we going?" He asked me. I shrugged. "Holly?"

"You said you wanted to shout my name out to the night sky, let's go."

"I think that's a terrible idea, Madame will lose her shit if she hears us."

"Fine, so we'll go somewhere where she won't."

"Are you suggesting...?"

"I am, now you coming or not?"

___

The moon was the only source of light for the wooded path we were walking along. Our fingers were intertwined as we stepped over fallen trees and rocks. We reached an open clearing where the moon shone just bright enough so that we could see each other. My heart was beating frantically like a crazed bird in a cage. It wasn't the best idea for the two of us to have left the whorehouse, but I wasn't the best at decisions.

"You wanna go first, or do you want me to?" I asked him. He looked at me. "What?"

"My name's not as pretty as your's." He spoke softly. "The name Oliver isn't very pretty. It just makes me think of olives, which I'm allergic to." I cracked a small smile.

"I don't think my name's very pretty either, but you seem to think so. Let me see you as a wonderful, beautiful and intelligent person, okay?" I saw him blush and he looked away from me. "I'm taking that as I'm going first."

"If you want." He mumbled quietly. I laughed and turned from him, taking a deep breath. I gazed up at the moon as if were my only audience member. And I screamed. I yelled, repeating Oliver's name over and over until my throat was raw and I couldn't scream any more. It hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt. I understood what Oli meant when he said he liked to scream out his feelings. I glanced over my shoulder at him, his eyes were wide with astonishment, his mouth agape.

"Your turn." I told him, my voice a bit raspy. He stepped close to me and kissed me deeply, before pulling away and turning his back to me. I watched as he stood there, right before he opened his mouth and screamed out my name. Though he was screaming, it was like he was singing a heartfelt song. His enunciation of my name made my knees weak and I could feel how much I meant to him. His voice grew hoarse and he sunk to the ground. I went over to him, kneeling down to him. "You okay?" He threw his arms around me, pulling me as close as possible to him.

"Please...never leave me." He whispered into my hair, his breathing heavy and slow. I nodded, running my fingers through his hair.

"I'd never leave you, I promise." I told him, kissing him passionately, our mouths slotting together in our own rhythmic pattern. In thought, most couples wouldn't be outside that late at night screaming as if their lives depended upon it. But then again, most couples didn't debate the meaning of life or talk about how shit life could be. Being with Oli was easy, it was the making him understand that not everything sucked that was difficult.

"I hate you for making me feel this way. But then I love how you make me feel." He breathed against my lips. "I hate you."

"I hate you, too." And that was it. That was our way of professing our feelings for one another. Through angry and rude words, but with a soft, delicate, understanding undertone. We knew what we meant, we knew what we felt, we just spoke our feelings with different words.

___

Missy, Josie and I were all on the roof together. No one had any clients today because Madame wanted us to tidy up the house. A vacuum cleaner could be heard through the thin walls of the house. Ashley had been assigned to clean the clients' bathroom, Tyler was supposed to help Jake mow the lawn. And Oli had been told to just go with the Madame. The three of us weren't doing anything, though we'd been told to do things.

"I hate cleaning." Missy muttered bitterly, her words coming out along with thin smoke that crept past her tinged teeth like leaves falling from a tree in the fall. Josie nodded in agreement.

"But we're not cleaning." I said, staring down at Tyler and Jake in the backyard. Tyler was raking while Jake mowed. "We're merely wasting time."

"Time is only wasted if it's spent doing something you don't enjoy." Missy spat before taking another long drag of her cigarette. "I'm smoking and sitting on a roof while avoiding cleaning. Therefore, I'm not 'wasting time'."

"Aw, you enjoy being around us?" Josie chirped happily. Missy scoffed.

"Hell no. If I didn't need to smoke, I wouldn't be right here, I would be in my room sleeping instead." Missy replied with a glare at us. I shrugged. "Sleeping is a nice way to spend the day too. Along with eating cold pizza."

"Sounds unhealthy." Josie mumbled. "Pizza and sleeping all day could get boring."

"How about you shut your little, whore, mouth, Josie." Missy growled. "Why the hell do women constantly worry about their weight anyway? If you're fat, you're fat, same if you're skinny. Be happy with your-fucking-self and life won't be so terrible."

"That's true, but think about why we make ourselves look nice. I like to look nice to make myself feel good about myself. Attracting men or other women is the last thing on my mind when I'm getting dressed or putting on makeup." I added. Josie glanced between me and Missy.

"But, I like to be attract people." Josie mumbled. "I like to be attractive. There's nothing wrong with that."

"You're right. What we're saying is that you should be happy with yourself before trying to make someone else happy." I explained. "Being attractive isn't bad, just like being unattractive isn't a bad thing either."

"At the end of the day, we're all the same inside and we're all gonna die." Missy stubbed out her cigarette. "I no longer have any reason to be out here with you bitches, so I'm going to sleep. Wake me up, and I might fucking kill you." Missy climbed back into the house through the window. I sighed as her presence left us.

"I still don't get why she hates you." Josie began. "You both seem to be like the same person." I looked at Josie. Such a positive girl, it got on my nerves sometimes, but it's always nice to see the bright side every once in a while.

"Remember in elementary school when they teach you about magnets. North and south always go together like an unseen bond between the two sides. While North and North, and South and South repel against each other. The same theory can be applied to me and Missy. We might be so alike that we can't stand each other. Or we just see so much of ourselves in the other that it's repulsive." I shrugged. "It also might be the fact that we both kind of dislike ourselves, so seeing someone like us is just begging for instantaneous hatred."

Josie fell silent. She stared down at her hands, her hands wrung themselves nervously. Her eyes were saddening and darker than their usual bright color. It was the opposite effect of causing someone to smile. I felt bad for making her look at things realistically. One could wonder how the hell had Josie even managed to have a lick of happiness in her life? The world could strip someone of all that, so how had she managed to hang onto that child-like sense of innocence and wonder. I would hate to be the one to finally have snatched it from her eyes.

"You shouldn't hate yourself. It doesn't help anything for starters, and why hate yourself when you could use that hatred on something useful. Like hating terrible people or hating certain foods. I dunno." She said, a small smile grazing her lips. "Just a suggestion. But I think you and Missy are too smart and beautiful to bother wasting your time hating yourselves." Josie leaned across and kissed my cheek lightly. "I'm going inside, you coming?" I nodded and we both climbed back into the house, shutting the window behind us. The smell of bleach reached out to us, reminding us of or responsibilities. I sighed and saw Josie skip down the hall to go wash dishes. I envied how carefree she could be. But we can all be as carefree, if we chose to be.

I was aggressively shoving the bed sheets from the clients' bedrooms into the washing machine. I had washed clothes before and knew how it worked, but this washing machine was a lot different to the one back at my old home.

"Are the linens winning or are you?" Shay teased from the doorway. I flicked him off and continued punching at the thick fabric beneath my hands. "Step aside, it's not even that difficult." He came over ad pushed the linens into the machine with ease. He looked at me, a gleam in his eyes to match the smirk on his lips. I scoffed.

"Pretty sure I'd put in more effort than you did, but whatever." I mumbled, tossing in some detergent. "Thanks anyway."

"You're welcome." He bumped his hip against mine in a playful manner. I laughed. "Is Tyler still raking?"

"I dunno what your boyfriend is up to." I replied shutting the lid as the machine whirled to life, somehow cleaning the piles of bed linens I'd shoved into the compartment.

"He's not my boyfriend." Shay pouted at me. "Or at least I don't think he is."

"I think he is." I teased with a giggle. He rolled his eyes.

"That's you. Now, is he still raking or not?"

"I think so. Now go get yo man."

"No fair, Holly. I didn't even get to tease you about 'yo man'."

"I might've done that on purpose." I winked at him. "Whoops."