25 Trauma

Niall~ I wake up with a pounding in my head. Awe shit. I start to sit up but I don't see Anna next to me. She must have been up already. I stumble out of the bed sheets and go into the kitchen. I see Anna in my hoodie and a pair of leggings. She was cooking something that smells soooo good."Morning sleepy." She says to me."Morning.""How's your head?""My head?""Well you were a bit tipsy last night.""Oh. Sorry Luv.""It's ok Ni.....I just don't want it to be every time we go out." I go behind her and hug her. I will never put her back in the same situation she is in now. "I'm sorry Luv. I'm trying my best.""How about this?" She turns to me."When we go out for a drink you only have 1 for the first 1 to 2 hours. And see how feel and act.""That sounds good." "Good." She pecks me and goes back to flipping the pancakes."Anything I can do?" I ask her. "If you want you can cook the sausage and bacon.""Alright." It's been two days since New Years and I still feel so horrible about what happened that night. Her ex coming and almost killing her, me getting tipsy and making her disappointed... I just never want to make her sad or feel like she has to babysit me when we go out. I feel like such a spoiled brat. What the fuck was I thinking?"Babe. What's wrong?" Anna says while hugging me from behind. I turn my body towards her."I just feel like I'm disrespecting you.""How so...?""Just. Being irresponsible with my drinking and not taking hold of it..I don't want you to go through your home life all over again. I wanna be the man you can be proud of.""Ni. I am proud of you. You just saying you wanna be better and take a hold of it already is half the battle. I know you can get through it and become stronger." She gives me a big smile and I smile right back. I peck her and whisper, "I'll be that man."

~2 Weeks Later~We're back at school and all I can think about is the next holiday. I just can't wait to graduate and just be free. But on the up side Anna and I have been having a lot of bonding type time. Not sexual, but just talking and just getting to know each other more. She got accepted to a couple colleges, but doesn't know if she wants to go. All she wants to do is do music. She said that one of the collages has great courses for writing and music. I'm kinda hoping she does choose to go. I think she should learn and go for her dreams. I'm waiting to hear. I'm hoping to get a school in business so I can open my own store. I wanna open a record shop and have an upstairs for me and Anna and a down stairs for public coffee house. They'd have beer, food, and young inspiring artists. Anna says she loves the idea. I really hope I can make it happen.***I feel warm lips on my skin as I wake up. The lips travel from my neck to my shoulder. I open my eyes and turn to my kisser. I face Anna and she just smiles at me."Morning sleepy." She says to me."Morning luv. You sleep well?""Always." I smile and kiss her forehead."What do you want to do today babe?""Hm...wanna go out for breakfast?" "Sure! Where to?" "I don't know what sounds good?" "How about...that little café in the city suburb area?""The one with the really good pastries?" "Yah.""Alright let's get dressed!" We get dressed and head for the café. It's snowing out and everything looks like it does in the movies. As we park I look over at Anna. She is looking out the window. Very quite. "What's wrong darling." She shrugs her shoulders. She had been stressed out of her mind with school. She is trying to keep her 4.0 for graduation, but she has been struggling. "Is it school?" She shook her head. "What is it you can tell me babe." She turned to me. "I'm scared""Of what?" She shakes her head. "I don't know why. He is gone. Dead. Why am I still scared?" I know she is talking about her ex or his father. She must be going through post dramatic stress or something. I don't blame her. I bring her close to me and comfort her the best I can. "It will be ok darling. He isn't here. I won't let no one hurt you." "I know. But I'm still so scared." "I don't know if you like the idea but, maybe we should see a therapist." She looked at me. "Why?""Just to talk about how you feel. I don't know everything. And I don't blame you a second for still being scared. Trust me I get nervous still too. But we need to talk to someone out side of just us." She nods. "That makes sense." I hug my little angel and kissed her forehead. "So..breakfast?" She laughed. "Yes. Breakfast." I love to see that smile of hers. I kissed her and we walk into the restaurant.

~ Anna ~ It's been a few days and were in a therapists office. I'm a bit nervous, but I know it's for the best. I've been waiting music like crazy to de-stress, but that can only go so far. I am scared, but why should I? He is dead. There both dead! Why am I so scared? Maybe it's because Ni and I almost died in one go. I'd rather have died just me and not him kill Ni too. But I wouldn't have wanted Ni to live with that pain. I know we need this because he isn't 100% either. We talked about it from time to time. We have to go for trial in a few weeks, and that scares me. Will I be able to speak? We were all over news and it was the talk at our school. I don't like that attention. People said we should have died back in Ireland. And others were so sad for us. My friends are finally accepting Ni, but it's only been after this. All of this has made my scores at school drop. Most teachers gave me the benefit of the doubt, others not so much. It's just been stressful to say the least.***"How are you Anna?" Asks the therapist. She is a middle aged women, dark skin and glasses. She has her hair in a bun and dressed in professional work attire. "Um...stressed. Scared." "Yah. That seems normal from what I heard and read what happened." I nodded. What could I say? I've never been in therapy or counseling. "So, how did this happen." "Well some how my ex, who tried to shoot me, was related to a guy who wanted and tried to rape me. There both dead now, but I'm still scared somehow they could hurt me. Even though it's impossible." "Did you love your ex""I would say I liked him. I guess long term I couldn't see us together. And I knew all he wanted was sex. And I wouldn't give it. One night he got really aggressive, but luckily my now boyfriend, stepped in and saved me. He's done that a lot. And I wish I could just save myself. I always have had to. And now someone else actually saving me, it feels odd, but also nice. I just don't feel like I can repay him." "Do you love your boyfriend?""So much! There's no doubt in my mind.""How long have you been together?" "6 month""How long were you with your ex?""Almost 2 years""Do you think, even though you didn't love him, you still feel like you had a connection? So when he attacked you, you were even more scared?" "Maybe." I said while I shrugged. "I really don't know?" "Tell me about his dad." "I knew him because my mom had him home one night. He saw me. I was 14 at the time. He came once a month. When I was 16 he was coming 4 times a month. Now that I'm 18, he came only 4 months out of the year, but told me he will have me when I'm 18. He almost did, but the police got him, before he could do anything. Luckily Niall was there to stall, so I could call. But he took a beating." "Who is Niall?""My boyfriend" "Ah. So did you ever see your ex's dad outside of your house?" "No. His dad was always 'out'. That's what his wife said." "Did that ever caught you off guard?" "No I always assumed that they were divorced or getting one." The therapist nodded. "Have you ever felt sad after your ex got killed?" I thought about it and I couldn't really tell. Do I? I mean..."I can't tell. Part of me is glad, because I know no harm can be done to me now. But I feel like if he wasn't shot and killed by the police, he maybe could have changed and become a better person." She nods. "So there is a part of you that wished the best for him." "Well...of course. I believe anyone can change. It doesn't excuse the way he acted toward me and others in my life. But I do think there is some or was some good in him." "Your a very loving person Anna." "Thank you." "But I can see that there is some attachment toward others as well. Like it is hard to let go of someone or something. Am I correct." "Maybe." I shrug. "Well, why do you think it could be true?" "I guess because I just kinda had a messed up life. So I had to grow up fast. And because of it, I have gotten scared of being ditched and forgotten. Mainly because of all the mayhem my mom has caused me." "Why do you say your mom has caused a lot of mayhem in your life?" "We had it so good when I was young. My parents were together and everything was great and peachy. But then my mom went mad! She kicked out my dad when I was at school and said he left. She went out and partied and drank and slept with a lot of strange men. Witch in turn ended my parents in divorce I discovered but my mom has custody. I had no idea where my dad was. We live in a crappy house my moms a stripper! And if she never went crazy, then none of this might of happened!" My blood is boiling. I never knew I had so much anger and hate for my mom! I knew I didn't and don't like the way she acts and have done. But I did think I would be this mad. I feel tears drip from my eyes. "Why did she do this to us? Why did she do this to me?" The therapist pats me on the shoulder. "It's gonna be ok sweet heart." I look up at the woman. She smiles at me. "I can see you have a lot of anger towards your mom and you have never vocalized it." I nod. "It's ok to say and speak how you feel Anna. I know you talk to your boyfriend a bit about it, but have you ever talked to him about your mom?" "No. I told him some things, but I never have gotten mad about it. I've always felt sad. Like it was all me or something. That everything that happened was my fault or I had something to do with it. But it was my moms choice not mine. And knowing she made that choice, makes me mad!""It's ok to be mad. And it's not your fault. But you can't change the past. You can only go forward at this point in time." I nod."I know I need to talk to my mom. But she is always drunk or knocked out. Or at work." "Well I guess you'll have to find the sweet spot, so you can talk to her. But you need to tell her how you feel. Because otherwise it will eat at you and it will be hard to restore anything with your mom." I nod. I don't know what to say. I know I need to talk to her, but just when? When is she not drunk, at work, having sex, or sleeping? 11:15 am!

________________~M.Rande