Chapter 41

November 27th, 2005

I wanna apologize for not writing in over a week. I haven't really been thinking straight, if at all. The weeks been hectic, for lack of better words. I guess I can just fill in the gaps in the meantime.

I got to talk with Gigi a few days after the incident. I had found her at the old train station, smoking, probably hoping no one would come bother her. Too bad I was there.

I sat her down and tried to have a talk with her. And a talk we had, as I got both an earful from her for not doing anything to stop Sprout or the other Mains from touching her stuff. She also cried to me, not only about the incident, but stress in general.

I got new information from her that I hadn't picked up on from others. The other Toons are worried, really worried about the future, in terms of their survival and their sanity. They're becoming unsure of where their next meal is going to come from. They're also worried about if the Mains have something to do with it. They're becoming restless.

I gave Gigi as many answers as I could. Honest answers. That the Mains had nothing to do with it, that they're just as confused as we are. I answered how I didn't know where the food came from, or how to get more of it. I promised I would try to give her and all of them an answer when I could. I promised that I wouldn't let Gardenview starve to death.

It seemed to comfort her, which in turn, comforted me. I don't like seeing my other Toons so stressed, especially over something that likely could've been prevented. I care about each and every one of them. I want them to be cared for. To be safe.

And so when Gigi began talking to me. Talking about worth. I got worried.

Gigi confided in me; she didn't feel wanted. Expendable. Like her worth as a Toon is being questioned because of what she provides and takes. She confided in me how her handler was never there for her, that she taught herself everything with the help of others on occasion. How she never felt like a true Toon. She looked at me, with such a pain in her eyes, and asked me if she was useful.

I told her yes. This hurt me. This hurt me to see a typically confident Toon break down so easily. She felt like her autonomy as a Toon was questioned when her privacy was invaded, which I can understand, and that she and possibly other's worths weren't equal to ones more valuable.

Those that bring more to the team. The Mains, and by extension, me.

I regret to inform that I agreed with her. Because all I could think about in that moment was Shrimpo.

It was no surprise how Toons felt about each other, both during the show—since it was all scripted since the start—and past it. I knew how the rest felt about Shrimpo. I could easily grasp just how Shrimpo felt about everyone else. At least, I thought I did. I can only wonder how deep that resentment ran.

I still wish there was more I could do for him.

The talk didn't last longer after that. She had a run, and I had to prepare dinner for the rest of the Toons. I warned her that the portions were only to get smaller, and that to prepare to deal with the pain. I hope she doesn't blame me as much as I blame myself.

Speaking of which, dinner went fine, with more complaints from the more reserved Toons. I could only smile and nod, like how I've always had.

Yet I know, that they know, that this rationing isn't going to improve. I hope none of them get any wild ideas.

I hope that I can say that things will get better. None of this is helping me grieve.

Yet, a part of me is glad Boxten won't have to deal with this. The stress would kill him... if time doesn't first.

***

November 30th, 2005

The Christmas Toons return to Gardenview tomorrow. The anticipation is worrying me.

I've been chewing at my fingertips and picking at my skin all day. It's become routine for me to do storage counts every morning, afternoon, and evening, even bringing Brightney in to make sure my numbers are right.

We've actually been talking more as of late, mostly due to the short count, and the fact we coincidentally been on the same runs as of the past few days. I find her support comforting, as well as her intelligence.

She's actually been opening up to me about some things: about her stress with the rations, for the other Toons, and her interest in the Ichor Operation as a whole. I'm aware that if there's anyone more invested in figuring out the mysteries of this dilemma, its her and Rodger. They know the most about the Operation collectively, with Rodger on Twisteds and Brightney on the machines. In fact, she was the one who even gave power to the place once it first shut off. She was the one to hypothesize and then implement the Ichor we extracted to be used to power the Center, outside of the supply of Ichor that Dandy gives me and Sprout for our meals. Like gasoline to a car. I think I recall telling Boxten this once I learned: I thought it was cool.

Anyway, she also mentioned how she's been really wondering about the biology of us Toons, in reference to Squirm. Now, I never paid much attention to him; he wasn't social and I would only really approach him when injured on a run. I do find him overwhelming at times, but I do my best to comfort him when the time comes.

Brightney went on a tangent rant to me the prior morning regarding the bookworm. How he was the only one seemingly unaffected by the lack of food since his diet consisted of her prized books in the library. At first, she ranted about how annoyed she was with this, but it got me thinking the more she went on.

Do Toons need to specifically eat human food to survive?

This lead to a multiple-floor conversation between me and the lamp, which I knew Sprout would've shut down if he was on the run. For once, I was happy he wasn't on today's.

We tossed ideas back and forth to each other until the run ended, as she had to attend Book Club shortly thereafter. I wished her well, and instead of doing my afternoon count, I'm here now.

I'm going to briefly jot down everything we talked about here:

During Brightney's friendship with Squirm, she never witnessed any drawbacks to his strict-book diet.

That the diet was by choice, and that Squirm has eaten edible foods in the past. I can vouch for this. The only time he would eat books is after the show's air. I do recall it sometimes showing up while on the show—more as a gag rather than something serious. I assume it turned into an addiction later on, which I can't blame him for. It's not really hurting him, from what I've been told.

I mentioned how I've never really took the time to examine the inner workings of a Toon, and what that means for future potential diets.

With all this floating around in my mind, I have a hypothesis. Using myself as an example, I cannot recall a time where I've ever gotten sick from eating something once digested. I recall spitting out multiple foods, mostly due to the flavor or texture, but once I've gotten something into my system, it stayed.

With Squirm's book eating in mind, I can hypothesize that Toon's bodies are able to eat pretty much anything. Of course, the only example I've seen is books. The only way for me to really find out is to eat non-edible objects. This is not something I want to though. I don't think anyone would want to.

...

Well, I have a pencil in my hand.

...

One second.

I no longer have an eraser. My teeth hurt. This tastes horrible.

I'll write the results later, I want to spit this out so bad.

***

December 1st, 2005

It's super late in the night that I completely forgot to write the results. I'll get back to that momentarily.

The Christmas Toons are back and are settling in well. Seeing Ginger again is always the highlight of my day, of my whole year. My best friend, outside of Sprout, was so delighted to see me too, even if she was a little delirious, as she tends to be during the first few days of the new season.

I carefully told her about the food shortage, and to keep that in mind when she's cooking with us. She seemed to understand well, as much as she could, and said she'd keep that in mind. She has expressed her concern about the others though, which I cannot blame her for. I'm just so happy I get to see her again. I love her so much, and I'm happy she's doing well.

As for the other holiday Toons, they are doing well. Bobette is straight to working on getting everyone gift's, along with the help of Rudie and Coal. The dog has been pawing at my leg for treats, as she does every year. I'm sorry to disappoint her with nothing in return. I can only hope she understands. At least she's not biting my leg like how Pebble has been these last few months.

Bobette has come to me regarding Boxten, and I had to be the one to break it to her and Ginger about Boxten and Shrimpo's absence. They seemed upset, as the rest of us were, but relatively unphased. At least, about Shrimpo, they were more sympathetic toward me about Boxten, since they knew he and I were close.

That doesn't mean I'm not upset about either of them not caring, but I'm not going to hold it against them. I know nobody was even remotely close to Shrimpo. At least being indifferent about him is better than being hostile.

Which reminds me. Sprout and I have been talking more, mostly due to Ginger's future and now present involvement. I've talked to him about my theory with Squirm, and that if worst comes to worse, we can involve more... non-preferred edible items to our menu. Sprout was very against the idea, but he understood where I was coming from.

My first suggestion was dog food. We have two dogs in Gardenview, and out of everything, the supply of dog food we have is plenty. It could last us a long time, even though it wouldn't taste good. Plus, it's the closest non-food item we can get that would sustain us more than something like books or pencils.

Speaking of which, I... did end up eating the end of that pencil. It was... weird. Tasted bitter and earthy and gross. I got a stomach ache later that night, and ended up coughing up the metal ring at the end of it. Yet the graphite, the wood, and the eraser all were gone.

It makes me question how strong our stomachs are. I know humans have stomach acids that break down foods, but as far as I'm aware, humans aren't eating pencils. In fact, humans get sick from the food they eat all the time. They can't eat undercooked meats and dairy, hell, some humans can't even have dairy.

But Toons aren't organic, we're machine made. Maybe the ichor that makes up our body makes our stomach acids stronger? Is that why Squirm can eat books like its nothing? Maybe, but I don't want to eat anything that isn't what me and Sprout cook, and I don't think the other Toons want to either.

Ginger thought my idea was silly when I told her. She said that surely, Gardenview wouldn't stoop that low just for food, and that Dandy surely would figure it out.

How I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

I don't consider myself a pessimist. I don't like thinking negatively, I really don't, but when it comes to this, I'm really giving up hope.

In fact, it's gotten so bad that I'm having thoughts about...

...

No. Cosmo, don't think like that. Ginger could be right in the end, surely! Dandy's a capable leader: he wouldn't stoop to those measures. Everything will work out.

Everything should work out.

...

God, I hope everything works out.

Wait, there's a knock at my door.

***

December 2nd, 2005

It's early in the morning, and I'm not alone. I'm not used to having sleepovers, at least not in recent times, but right now, the warmth beside me is comforting.

I was visited by Poppy of all Toons, under the guise of wanting to talk. I sat her down and she began to vent to me about... well, whatever came to mind.

I want to note just how thin she was. With all the stress regarding the supply and the Christmas Toons, I regret to admit I haven't been checking up on her. She's grieving just as much as I am. I hadn't even noticed her absence as of late. She's been skipping meals and it shows.

She cried about the pain. How her depression is worsening, how much she misses Boxten, and just how hungry she is. I told her that dinner is always there on the table for her, but she said that it isn't enough. She's too sad to get out of bed most days if not for a run, and even when she does get up and eat, it's like the emptiness in her only grows. Her stress and her grief keeps her from enjoying the food she consumes.

I tried to comfort her as best I can, and even offered to let her stay the night, which she agreed. She told me she couldn't trust herself. She told me she was beginning to feel suicidal.

She told me how lonely she was without Boxten, how everything going on was making it worse, and that without her 'other half,' she didn't know what she was. She was angry: angry at him, at Shrimpo, at herself. At the whole situation. She didn't know what she did wrong, or why, but she wished she did. Just like I wished I did.

She's still asleep beside me right now. I don't have the heart to wake her up. In fact, I'm going to see if we both can take the day off from runs to just spend time together. To talk, and possibly reassure her with this new idea I have. She probably won't like it just like how Sprout didn't like it, nor Ginger, but at least that should smooth over her stress about where her next meal will come from.

I don't have much else to write, but I want to at least write down one more thing. I had a nightmare last night, the first I've had in a long time. I don't think Astro had anything to do with it, but I don't want to go to him about it right now. I know that his biggest focus in terms of his magic is gone, but I'm sure the Toon is still under a lot of stress dealing with the dreams of the others.

A part of me wonders if he can still even access Boxten's dreams, but I know that'd be a silly question. Astro can only give dreams, not receive them, and he'd have to be in direct contact with them while they're sleeping. So there goes that idea.

I don't want to think about dreams anyways. It makes me think of my own.

It's something I keep worrying about.

But surely, surely things won't get that bad.

Yet I know myself. I know that if anything, and I mean anything got that bad... that I'd rather die and be the food on someone else's plate than let the other Toons starve. I won't allow them to starve, no matter the means necessary.