❥ || chapter twenty

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ ♡ ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

The hospital smelled like bleach and wilted lilies.

I lingered outside Heeseung's room for too long, fingers twisted together, unsure if walking in would help or make things worse. Every step from the elevator to his door had been weighted, my shoes too loud in the quiet hallway. The nurse at the station had smiled like I belonged here, like I wasn't the reason Heeseung was behind that door in the first place.

Maybe I didn't deserve to be.

But I couldn't leave. Not yet.

I raised my hand to knock, but before I could, I heard his voice.

"Are you just going to stand there forever?"

I froze.

"Come in, Eunseo."

I pushed open the door, heat crawling up my neck. Heeseung sat upright in bed, one arm bandaged, an IV trailing from the other. He looked paler than usual, dark circles smudging the skin beneath his eyes. His jaw was clenched so tightly I could feel the tension from across the room.

"You're awake," I said softly.

"Unfortunately."

I stepped closer. The sunlight from the window sliced across his hospital blanket in neat squares. The bouquet on the side table, probably from a coworker or his mother, was starting to droop.

"I came to see how you were," I offered. "I didn't mean to-"

"Didn't mean to what?" he cut in. "Didn't mean for me to get hurt? Didn't mean to disappear after it happened? Didn't mean to pretend like none of this matters?"

"I wasn't pretending anything."

He scoffed. "Could've fooled me."

I stared at him. "That's not fair-"

"No, you're right." He let out a brittle laugh. "What is fair? That I'm the one lying here while you were too busy chasing after him? That you never once looked back?"

"Heeseung-"

"You don't even deny it."

His voice wasn't loud, but it had the sharpness of broken glass. It hurt more than if he'd shouted.

"I never wanted you to get hurt," I whispered.

"Didn't you?" His eyes flickered. "You didn't push me, sure. But you dragged Sunghoon away. You chose him. You always do."

"That's not why this happened."

"No?" He leaned forward a little, the IV line tugging with the motion. "Then why does it feel like I've spent months chasing something I didn't understand? Like I was running a race no one told me I was in, and I only found out I was losing once I hit the finish line."

I took a step back.

"Because that's what it feels like, Eunseo. Like I've been trying to be enough for you, do all the right things, say all the right words. But none of it ever made a dent."

"You were," I said quickly. "You are. You matter-"

"Not the way he does." His voice dropped. "Never the way he does."

The words hit harder than I expected. Because they weren't wrong. Not completely.

I tried to hold myself together. "Heeseung, I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did," he said, softer this time. "And I let you."

Silence pressed between us like fog.

He turned his head toward the window. "I thought it was a distraction at first. Just something to pass the time. But it wasn't. I meant it. Every little thing. And I think I really loved you. Maybe still do."

My breath caught.

He finally turned back, and his eyes weren't angry anymore. They were raw.

"But you never even gave me a chance," he said.

I felt the crack split in my chest, wide and cruel. Because he was right. I hadn't. I hadn't seen him, really seen him, until it was too late.

"I'm sorry," I said, barely breathing.

He let out a bitter sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "Sorry doesn't help."

I stepped closer, hands trembling. "Heeseung... I'm grateful for you. You've always been steady when everything else felt like it was breaking apart. But I- I don't think I can give you what you want."

"Because you're in love with him?"

The question pierced straight through me. I couldn't lie. Not here. Not now.

"I don't know," I whispered. "But maybe."

He exhaled, a slow, tired breath like the air had finally gone out of him. "At least you're honest."

I nodded, barely.

"I hope he's worth it," he said. "Because you're putting a lot on the line."

He didn't say what he meant by a lot, but we both knew. It wasn't just my heart. It was everything. The fragile balance I'd been trying to hold together. The future. His life. Sunghoon's life. My own unraveling sanity.

And yet, what scared me the most was that maybe I had already made the choice. Quietly. Without even noticing.

"I never meant for it to get this far," I whispered.

"But it did." Heeseung looked out the window again, as if I'd already vanished from the room.

I stood there for a moment longer, words clinging to the back of my throat like thorns. There was nothing left to say. Nothing he wanted to hear.

So I turned and walked out the door.

Before he could see the tears.

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ ♡ ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

I didn't know how long I wandered the hallway. Maybe ten minutes. Maybe thirty. I passed the pediatric wing, a family waiting with balloons, an elderly man asleep in a wheelchair. The world felt too real and not real enough at the same time.

Eventually, I found myself in front of the vending machine near the exit, my arms wrapped around myself. I stood there like I had a purpose, like I was choosing between chips and chocolate, but really I was just trying not to fall apart.

Was this what it felt like when the world punished you for choosing wrong?

Or was this just me, hurting someone I cared about because I couldn't keep pretending I didn't want something I was never supposed to have?

The silence pressed in around me.

I leaned my forehead against the cold glass and let out a shaky breath.

Somewhere down the hall, a nurse laughed.

Somewhere else, a patient cried.

And I stood in the middle of it all, heart cracked open, hands empty, caught between one confession and another.

And worst of all, I couldn't tell if this pain had been written into me...

Or if I'd carved it out of myself, one choice at a time.

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ ♡ ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

vote ᰔ comment ᰔ follow