• 31 •

T H I R T Y O N E

The next day

A L E X A

Cold.

Dark.

All the pain always somehow found me.

My hands ran under the sink water as I washed my hands. The soap slipped off effortlessly.

Once I was done I dried my hands off and turned to the mirror.

Around my eyes was dark circles and puffiness. My nose was red and my head was still pounding. My head also still brought those voices.

The voices that made me crazy. They flowed into my head and I couldn't get them out.

My eyes stared in the mirror. My face had no expression, but in my eyes was every single drop of pain and sadness.

The eyes were the window to the soul, and that was a fact.

I broke the stare by turning the water on again, putting some in my hands and gently splashing it on my face, rubbing it softly. I turned the faucet off and patted my face with a towel.

I turned back to the mirror and stared. The voices in my head driving me insane.

They taunted me, mimicked me, laughed at me... everything to hurt me.

I knew I was just going crazy. I couldn't cope without the two people I needed most.

They both died right in front of me and I couldn't stop it.

I squeezed my eyes shut and gritted my teeth, trying to flush the voices away. Before I could even control myself, I opened my eyes and my right fist connected with the mirror as hard as it could, shattering the glass and breaking the skin on my knuckles open, blood dripping out.

I gasped right as I saw the damage I had done.

"Anyone in here?" I heard a voice from outside.

Of course."Yeah. I'll be out in a second." It took me a few seconds to reply, but when I did, I replied with a sigh. My now bloody hand grabbed dad's jacket and slipped it on my body. I unlocked the door and opened it, coming face to face with Jesus.

He noticed the mess I made and raised a brow.

"Oh, Alexa, I'm sorry. I just had to pee.""It's fine... I was done anyway." I muttered, moving past him.

I made my way down the hallway and into the main room, taking the jacket off because it was simply too hot.

"Good morning." Maggie greeted me. I sat down at the table, sitting next to Michonne.

"Morning." I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair.

"How'd you do that?" Maggie pointed out my hand. I just shook my head, letting her know I didn't want to talk about it.

"How'd you sleep?" Carol questioned."Not good." I shook my head. Carol had just came back from the kingdom, Ezekiel sent her here to check on us.

"How's the kingdom?" Michonne asked."We haven't gotten attacked or anything so good." Carol sat down with us.

"How are you guys holding up?""Another not good." Michonne added.

At this point, I wanted to go off on my own. I wanted to walk and see where I take myself.

I wanted to see how the world was going to kill me before I did it myself.

I truly was numb this time. I was empty. I couldn't light a match in me anymore. It was cold and pitch black.

The emptiness I felt inside almost felt normal at this point, though.

"I'm so sorry about rick and Carl... they really taught me everything I know. Before then I was just a housewife who let her husband hit her... now I'm stronger than I've ever been." Their deaths had an affect on everyone.

"I know how much you cared for them, Carol, I'm sorry." I spoke up."I know how much you cared for them, too." As she said this, I felt my eyes sting, but I blinked it away.

"Can we please change the topic?" I huffed. I was tired of hearing about death, it was all that was in my head."Aaron, Tara and Rosita went back to check on the sanctuary, they wanted to make sure everything was going smoothly. They should be back soon." Maggie informed us.

"When did they leave?" "About an hour ago." Maggie said.

I almost didn't want to go back. I was too weak to lead my people. I wasn't the person they needed me to be.

I turned my head, looking out one of the windows, seeing people working, smiling, laughing.

It was almost hard to believe that only a few months ago I was smiling and laughing.

Oh how much can go wrong within only a couple of months.

"We need to work on building Alexandria." I mentioned. Everyone's head turned to me as I said this. They were probably surprised.

"That was your home. We aren't letting it go down like that." I shook my head.

"That'll take months- maybe years. We don't have those kinds of supplies." Carol pointed out.

"Wouldn't it be worth it to even try?" Michonne agreed with me."We have to... I know we can do it... I've got great builders at the sanctuary and look at what we have here." I knew it was a far fetched thing, but Alexandria was once my home, too.

It's where I've had my best memories and I'm not letting it go down that way.

"Yeah... we could try." Maggie and Carol smiled.

"We can start soon, grab everyone we can get-"

I was cut off by Daryl rushing into the room."Michonne, Alexa, Maggie, Carol, outside, now." He ordered. My brows furrowed and I looked at Michonne.

She shrugged and stood up. I stood up, following behind her as she followed daryl.

Maggie and Carol kept close behind as we walked through the building.

"Do you think the drifters are back?" I went next to Michonne."No idea, but if they are... raise hell." She instructed.

"Oh believe me, I will."

We made our way outside and I noticed the gates were open.

Daryl was right in front of Michonne and I so we couldn't see anything.

"Daryl, who's at the gate?" I pressed on his back lightly. He realized he was walking in front of us and stepped aside.

I looked forward and saw what I would've never expected to see.

Rick and Carl.

They were being hugged and greeted by everyone that was outside.

Michonne grabbed my arm, almost not believing what she was seeing.

I couldn't even process what my eyes were showing me. This can't be. I saw it.

Carl and rick were very dirty, Carl's hat ripped a little on the side, their clothes bloody.

"Oh my god." I whispered, tapping Michonne's arm like I couldn't believe a damn thing that was being witnessed.

"Alexa!" Carl called out, moving people away from him. I saw Michonne take off for rick like her life depended on it.

A tear slipped down my cheek before I started to run to Carl.

I got to Carl as quickly as I could. He grabbed my body, embracing me in the tightest hug we've ever shared. My arms wrapped around his neck and I immediately started to let tears go, crying loudly into his shoulder.

My breaths were uneven and sharp, my body not being able to process this.

I'm surprised the force of my body slamming against his didn't knock him over but I wasn't too concerned about that right now.

"Y-you're alive." I felt my body start to tremble as I sobbed."I'm alive, baby... we- we got out.... we got out." He held me tightly as he whispered into my ear. I never wanted him to let go, my grip getting tighter around him.

"I-I saw it- I saw you go down I-... I thought I lost you.... I-I lost you." I spoke quickly, pulling back slightly, my hands cradling his cheeks as I sobbed, getting just a little blood on his face.

"I thought you were going to lose me." Carl seemed exhausted.

I pulled his lips to mine, kissing him. It was such a powerful and the whole 'I never want to lose you' type of kiss.

Tears of joy just made their way down my cheeks and falling.

There was still hope in this world. There was still a bit of faith.

The kiss lasted for a few seconds before I pulled away. I kissed his nose before Michonne and I switched spots, her going to Carl and giving him a big hug.

"Jesus Christ rick, you scared the hell out of me." I gritted my teeth, pulling him into a hug, and resting my head against his chest as I weeped, my tears marking a wet spot in the middle of his chest.

I never thought I'd feel so relieved and happy to hug Rick Grimes."We're okay. We found a way out, neither of us are bit or scratched... by a walker at least. We got caught in broken fences, broken glass, a lot of things... We had a hard time getting out, but we got out." He hugged me back with a squeeze.

"I-I lost my mind- I saw it- i-i was going insane." I sighed in relief, hugging him for a couple of more seconds before letting go.

Michonne gently pulled rick and I to him and Carl, all of us embracing each other for a short amount of time.

Even though the group hug ended, Carl pulled me back into another hug.

"I couldn't believe you were- you were dead- I-" I couldn't finish my sentence, I was too overwhelmed. I was still too busy crying than speaking.

"I know, baby I know.... I'm here. I'm right here." Carl held me close to him tightly, his voice barely audible.

Others stared at the scene in shock, not believing that they actually made it.

Carl nuzzled into my shoulder, tightening his grasp on me.

"Come on- let's- let's get you cleaned up." I almost couldn't breathe because of how happy and relieved I was.

I didn't lose him and I was so fucking grateful I didn't.

I led him into the building and got to the bathroom I was in just 15 minutes earlier.

"Broken glass." Carl noticed the mirror all over the ground."Yeah, that was me." I quickly wiped the tears off, shutting the door and turning the shower on.

I faced Carl again, observing how beat up he actually looked. More tears rushed to their escape.

He removed his hat and eye bandage, pushing his hair back out of his face, tears falling out of his eye.

"I should give you time to- to um-" I couldn't even speak. "No. Stay here and talk to me- I-I missed you so much."

L A T E R T H A T N I G H T

I was back at the sanctuary with Carl. Rick and Michonne were also here, but they were sleeping in a different room.

I was in my room, watching as Carl slept peacefully on my bed. He was tired, exhausted, and just relieved to be able to sleep.

My hand that didn't have a bandage wrapped around it ran through his hair gently as he slept, helping him relax.

I admired him as I did so, feeling oh so lucky.

I missed him and I missed him a lot. Words can't explain the shock I felt when I saw him.

I had never been so thankful in my life. I knew I would've been able to hold up for awhile, but eventually knowing Carl was dead would've eaten me alive.

It drove me to insanity within a day, I didn't even want to think what it would've done to me months later.

"Thank you for coming back to me." I whispered, looking down at him.

I turned my body a little, leaning down and kissing his forehead. I sat back up afterwards, continuing my hand movements in his hair.

His brows furrowed, inhaled heavily, and turned his body to me. His hand carelessly layed on my lap and he groaned.

"Did I wake you?" I smiled a little."Mhmm." He nodded slightly."I'm sorry." I used my index finger to softly push the hair that fell in his face backwards.

"No, it's okay, I wanted to wake up anyway." His deep and raspy voice spoke in a sarcastic tone, his baby blue eye opening.

"No, go back to bed. You need it." I said."Why are you awake? You haven't slept in two days." He ignored my statement.

"I'm afraid if I go to sleep, you'll disappear... that you're not here and it's my mind playing tricks on me." I admitted with a deep sigh.

"No, I'm staying put." Carl's hand reached for mine, bringing it to his face and kissing the back of it.

"If you saw how I was you'd understand... Remember when I first moved to Alexandria and we were joking around? When I said I lived most of my life without you and I could go the rest of my life?" I remembered that day like it was yesterday. The same day Carl and I shared our first kiss.

Carl simply nodded with a small chuckle."I know I was only kidding but- I was so so wrong... I couldn't do it for 2 days, let alone the rest of my life." I confessed, tears forming in my eyes.

I didn't know why I was crying. Maybe just the thought terrified me.

"I know... I was so worried about you. I knew you blamed yourself and I wasn't there to stop anything from happening. I just wanted to get home so I could hold you." Carl pulled on my hand softly, laying me down in front of him.

"I couldn't last a month without you." He whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear.

I couldn't last the rest of my life without my father by myself and I knew that, but Carl was here to help me. Carl was definitely the most important person in the world to me right now and I needed him the most.

Dealing with the loss of him and my father and not having someone to help me was going to kill me within a month.

"Don't you ever leave me again, please... I need you."

Aw I told you bitches it wasn't over