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T H I R T Y

1 day later.

A L E X A

2:21 am

It was a terrible night. I waited all day for Carl and rick to return yesterday and they didn't. It was now over a day later and it was late late at night.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think good thoughts. I couldn't stop tears from escaping my eyes.

My back relaxed against Maggie's headboard. I was at the hilltop because I was just too scared to go back home.

I'm too weak. I can't be a leader to my people if I can't even lead myself.

I can't help people to live if I don't have the motivation to live myself.

But of course, they had people watching me, checking on me, making sure I'm not taking that route.

My head was filled with things I wish I could've said to Carl and rick before they died. Things I wish I did. Things I could've stopped from happening.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to Carl or rick.

It tore me apart. My heart no longer felt normal. My heart was broken down way beyond repair.

Now it just felt as if there was a permanent dagger in what's left of my heart and that constant pain isn't going to go away.

Carl was really all I had left. All of my family is gone and the one person I really only had left is dead, too.

It was hard for me to even believe that both dad and Carl were really dead, but I knew the truth.

Tears slid down my cheeks quickly as I stared at the wall. My knees were bent and my elbows rested on them.

I was being very quiet, only sniffing from time to time, but I wanted to scream.

I wanted to tear the walls down and shoot everything that gets in my way.

I wanted to die.

My breathing was cut short and sharp. I was nearly hyperventilating.

The moment where I saw Carl and rick get swarmed replayed in my head over and over again.

Over and over and over and over. My mind wanted me dead. My mind was in a dark place and I couldn't control anything in it.

'You failed them, Alexa. First it was your mom, then your dad, and now Carl. You were supposed to keep them safe. You failed.' A voice spoke in my head.

I was losing my fucking mind.

"I tried." I said out-loud.

'They hate you. You're all alone now. What can you do? They aren't coming back!l. You let them down and now you can't even lead your people! You stupid fuck-up. It should be you.'

"Stop it." My tears fell faster and harder.

'Look at you. Pathetic. It's all your fault. All of it. They're dead because of you.'

"No. No no." I shook my head, covering my ears. I was going insane. I couldn't live without the people I loved the most. All of them were gone.

"Why are you still breathing? Do it. You don't deserve to be on this world.'

"I said stop it!" I gritted my teeth.

'Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. It's all your fault. All your fault, all your fault, all your fault. Do it, do it, do it, do it! Do it! Do it!"

"I said stop!" I screamed. I was going fucking crazy.

I looked over to my right and saw an empty glass cup.

Me not being able to control myself, I grabbed the and threw it as hard as I could against the wall in front of the bed with a small yell, causing it to shatter and fall to the ground, making the voices stop.

I whimpered, my body trembling. My breaths were even shorter and I felt as if I needed to gasp for air. I felt as if I was drowning.

I didn't blame myself for my fathers death... but I could've saved rick and Carl. If I tried harder, I could've. He could've been alive and right next to me, but he's not and it was my fault.

I kept crying. I just leaned back against the headboard, putting my face in my hands as my tears kept coming and coming. My body quaked and small cries sounded from me.

The room was completely silent except from the sounds of me, so it was easy for me to pick up sounds. I heard footsteps coming towards the room. They weren't rushed or panicked, they were calm.

The footsteps reached the door and then it opened, but I didn't even bother to look. I just took my hands off of my face and set them on my knees.

"Hey... you okay? I heard yelling and a crash." Once I heard her voice I immediately turned my head to her. Michonne.

She looked awful. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks had dried tear stains on them. Her skin looked a bit paler than usual.

She had a very small, fake smile on her face.

I scooted over on the bed and patted the spot next to me. No one understood more than she did.

Michonne closed the door and accepted the offer, sitting next to me.

Once she got settled, she looked at me. I glanced back, my eyes catching hers.

"If I didn't break that stupid fucking beam." I let out a deep sigh, along with a small weep and many tears.

She put an arm around me and pulled me to her. I closed my eyes, letting the warm tears just flow.

"No, that wasn't your fault... you didn't know." She tried to comfort me.

"It should've been me. I should've made him go first." I was mad at myself and I always will be."Don't talk like that." Michonne shook her head.

"I'm- I'm losing my mind- I-I... how do I survive this?" I stuttered, feeling more pain than ever before.

"You lost so much, Alexa. I'm so sorry about your dad and Carl and everyone else." Michonne pulled me in tighter.

I cried, putting my arms around my knees, holding them to my chest.

"You-... you lost a lot, too. I'm sorry y-you went through all of that." I choked, trying to slow down my cries.

I knew everything about michonnes past- well, only what Carl knew. He told me everything.

"Rick and Carl saved me from a very dark place... they brought me back... I wish I could've- I wish I could've done something and saved them but I knew I couldn't." Her voice started to crack. I knew she was holding in her pain to try and talk to me.

"They were all I had left." Michonne whispered.

I sniffled, stopping the sounds of my cries."Yeah... me too." I mumbled, nuzzling into her.

My body was still shaking and my breathing was still heavy. My head was pounding from how hard I've been crying.

"We have each other now... we have to look out for one another and keep each other safe.... it's what they would want." She spoke again after a few brief moments of silence.

She was right. Rick and Carl would want us to help each other instead of us both giving up.

They would want us to keep fighting.

"We have each other." I muttered, my body just weak and tired.

My sobs kept going, my breaths cutting off every 2 seconds.

I needed Michonne just as much as she needed me.

What I really needed was for my family to come back.

I needed comfort from my mom, dad and Carl and I knew it was impossible for me to get it.

I needed them back more than anything, but that was just simply not going to happen.

My hope is lost.

My humanity is dead.

I was just defeated.

DONT YOU ASSUME THIS BOOK IS OVER WINK WINK

HINT COUGH HINT COUGH, ITS NOT