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2.25.18 (twd premiere)

I'm speechless. Thank you Carl Grimes/Chandler Riggs for giving me the best 8 years of my life. I loved watching you grow as a character and an actor. You've done so much for me and you dont even know I exist. Your performance tonight was absolutely beautiful and I'm glad you can move to bigger and better things so you can finally get the recognition you deserve. I love you chandler, congratulations to the beginning of your life.

T W E N T Y E I G H T

2 weeks later

A L E X A

I sat on the roof, my legs dangling off the ledge, staring out into the woods or at the sky. It was dark outside, it was very very late.

I just couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't.

The stars were beautiful tonight. They were bright and were twinkling.

The moon was a full one, making everything look so beautiful.

How could a world like this just give up?

The trees blew in the slight wind, making a very relaxing sweet sound.

It didn't make me completely relaxed, however. I still was so so sad. There wasn't any way I could explain the pit I had in my stomach. The hole that took over my heart.

I breathed in the fresh air, the coolness filling my lungs, then blowing it back out.

A lot of things ran through my mind. Tons.

The last time I was on this roof I was with my father. I remember exactly what conversation we had.

"We lost so many people in the beginning. We lost everyone, dad... how did we do it? How do we survive in a world that wants to kill us?"

"We have each other. We have each other's back. Every one that we lost- all those people, all of our family, all the ones that became family... they kept us going. We do it for them."

We do it for them.

I do it for him.

But I don't want to. I don't want to keep fighting without him here. We don't have each other anymore.

I was left alone in this shitty world. I'm all by myself.

"Bad things happen to good people." I said to myself. I didn't believe I was a good person. I never was and I never will be... but no one deserves to lose their parents.

No one deserves this pain.

The world had taken everything away from me. Everything that I loved was ripped from me.

"Alexa, baby, why are you up here by yourself?" Well, almost everything.

"Can't sleep." I waited for about 15 seconds until I replied.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Carl sweetly asked.

I never looked back at him, instead, me eyes continued to gaze out into the world that gave up on me.

"No... come sit." I patted the spot next to me. After I did, I set my hands on the ledge, my fingernails digging into the building lightly.

I heard Carl's footsteps get closer, and then they were next to me. He carefully sat down, his legs going over the edge as well.

I knew he was looking at me, but I didn't look back.

"Are you okay?" Carl spoke above the silence.

"The last time I was on this roof I told my dad I didn't want to keep fighting anymore. I wanted to give up... but he told me that I had him, that I needed to keep fighting for him." I mumbled, looking at my knees.

"I thought it was bad then... it's so much worse now." I admitted."And there's nothing I can do to stop it from getting even worse." I spoke up just a little with a deep inhale.

"It's not going to stop getting worse." I added."I want to help you, Alexa... but you keep pushing me away." Carl placed his hand on my thigh, trying to comfort me.

"I know... I'm sorry. I just... I know I'm going to lose you, too. I don't know how else to cope with that thought other than to distance myself." I admitted, finally turning my head so we could make eye contact.

Carl didn't have his bandage on, nor his hat.

He still looked just as handsome as always.

"I don't know how things will turn out. But live for now. I'm here now. You shouldn't push us away because if we do end up... you'd wish you hadn't." He was right. I know he was.

I just couldn't help it.

"We're all worried about you. We want to help you. This darkness- this- this person you've become... use that for war. Don't use it on your family. Not the people who care about you... this isn't you, Alexa." Carl had a soft expression on his face.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, looking down once again.

"I just don't want to do it anymore. I want my family back." My fingers gripped the ledge.

Carl watched my actions and stood up. I closed my eyes, trying to steady my breathing.

Carl's hands went under my arms and pulled me away from the edge. Smart boy.

"That's not an option." He whispered, standing me up.

He tucked my hair behind my ears, his hands cradling my cheeks. Carl's lips pressed a kiss against my forehead.

It amazed me how much he still cared for me even though I was a total psycho.

"Don't you see what's happening to me? I'm not myself anymore." My brows furrowed.

"No one is after they lose their parents. You just need to give it time. Negan wouldn't want you to give up... I don't want you to give up." Carl sighed deeply, rubbing my cheekbones with his thumbs back and forth.

My small hands raised to push his hair out of his face, then found their way around his wrists.

"I just don't know what else to do." I mumbled. "Fight with me. Find your way back."

"It hurts so bad." I sniffled, whining.

I moved my arms to wrap around his neck, hugging him tightly. Carl embraced me, squeezing as if he let go, he'd lose me.

"I know. You have to let us in to help you." Carl spoke into my neck.

Being in his arms almost made me feel happy. I knew being around Carl, no matter how much of a bitch I was to him, it would always give me a little bit of happiness.

Carl was all I had left. He's my anchor.

The day I lose Carl will be the day I die.

"I'm just scared." I loosened up on Carl, pulling back slightly.

"Me too." Carl pursed his lips."The world isn't fair to us."

"It never will be."

I've been writing shitty chapters I'm sorry

But she's got some mood swings, don't you think?