Epilogue

EPILOGUE: Future

YOU FELL IN LOVE with me, Piers Nivans. And because of your love, you settled for less. I am her. I am the “less”. But you didnʼt give up on me. Even during those times I tried hard to push you away, you pulled me even harder. Whenever I would feel like I donʼt deserve you, youʼd hug me so tight and tell me that Iʼm the one youʼve always dreamed of.

You settled for less, but because of you I became more. I learned how to live again. Despite all Iʼve been through, you made me believe that I can always start anew.

You settled for less, and now... I have more than enough. I will be forever grateful for that. You have given me so much, everything beautiful a person could possibly give.

I wondered why I survived and you didn't. But now I know the reason why I was allowed to live.

Iʼll go on living. For you. For our son. Iʼll go on living. Even with the pain.

On the beach where it started, I sat down on the big rock with the great view of the sea. Heaving out a deep sigh, I started to recall about the events from over a year ago.

It felt like that life was so distant now... like it was from a different life, different time and a different person. Though I had read his letter countless of times, it still didn't fail to convey the same feelings as it did the first time I've read it. For the past year, those feelings had stalked me every waking moment.

Unfolding his letter again, I tried to imagine him as he wrote the letter. He might have been writing on his desk that day with only nothing but a lamp as his source of sight. I ran a finger over the words, tracing the paper ever so lightly, knowing that his hand had once been there. In some spots, I saw smudges as if he had the difficulty in writing what he had to say. There were at least a few words crossed out, making me imagine what he wanted to say. But in the end, I couldn't tell. Like the secrets about his last day, he had taken it all with him.

When I was finally finished, I folded the paper again and placed it inside the envelope to preserve it. Then I reached for the pictures of him that Lorraine had given me. All at once, I remembered everything about him—his warm easy smile, his hazel eyes and his plump lips that I was dying to kiss again. But as I've said, everything about him was from another life now.

I smiled sadly at the thought. It hurt to see his face every day now... though it had a bittersweet memory to it.

The wind picked up, my hair drifting with it. I remembered the way he would push my hair out of my face, and another gust of wind and there I felt his touch once again.

I knew right then that I love him. I would always love him. I knew it right when he offered me his friendship, and I knew it now. No matter how many years had come or even his death could change the way I feel about him. Tears sprang and I closed my eyes, whispering as I did so.

"I'll always love you, Piers Nivans."

I imagined him hearing those words, which made me slightly smile. I unfolded another letter I've written for him yesterday and held it in front of me, just like how I did with his letter. My hands shook slightly as I began to read the words, though I already know it by heart.

My love,

It has been a year since I had awakened from the hospital and I had known of the dread that you are gone. I decided to write this letter just to release all of my thoughts of you and to answer the question you left me.

Of course I forgive you. I forgive you now, and I'd already forgiven you the moment I read your letter. It is me who should be apologizing because I had done a terrible thing, something that you would never forgive me for. I know you hated that I almost took my life because I was weak. And I can picture your expression every day and it pains me. Most of all, I put our child's life in danger. Please forgive me.

Please forgive me if I ever questioned your actions, I was so mad... and I was in denial. Because deep inside me, I had never doubted you. I never doubted that you would give your life for the sake of the world because I know that you're thinking that your life is only a small price to pay compared to what the world will receive... but Piers... it has costed me everything. Now, I have nothing because you were my everything. Why did it have to end the way it was, I wonder? Why did it have to be you taken away from me?

But even so... even if our story had to end like this, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. If I could go through all of the pain and suffering I went through the years, I would... because nothing is as excruciating as losing you. I'm sorry... if I wasn't yet ready to lose you.

But darling, here's the irony: even if I dearly miss you, it is because of you that I'm not afraid of what the future brings. Because you loved me, it will give me the strength to believe that it is still possible to move forward. No matter how much the grief, I can still believe that someday it will turn into something beautiful, something that would bring a smile on our faces without the memory of the bitter ache. This is not a goodbye, but a thank you. Thank you for loving me, Piers, and for receiving my love in return. Thank you for saving me and bringing joy into my life. Thank you for the photographs and memories I will cherish forever. You are the very best part of me and my life is better for it. I'm not going to cry anymore... well, this may be the last time. I'll try not to miss you a little too much. I'll just love you a lot... and I'll love you even more than that. It's your turn now to wait for me. Wait for me, okay? Because there will come a day where it is going to be my turn to come back home to you.

Ich liebe dich.

Cheryl

After reading it for the last time, I rolled it then sealed it in a clear bottle. I stood up and went forward into the sea, letting the water splash on my bare feet. When I couldn't wait any further, I threw the bottle as far as I could, knowing that my journey has come down on its peak. I stared at the bottle as it float on the sea, and I liked to imagine that it would never drift ashore. It will keep on travelling forever... reaching faraway places that even I couldnʼt have imagined ever existed.

I smiled softly. Even without the letter, I knew that Piers had already gotten the message. I turned around and walked away when the bottle vanished from my sight. I don't know how things will turn up in my life from now on but I will decide to live in a way that will honor him. That way, we'd never have to say goodbye.

fin.