Chapter 24

XXIV. Home

WHAT IS BREATHING without actually living?

What do you call a heart that suddenly stops beating?

"Cheryl..."

How do you imagine a life without a future?

I don't know. I really don't know anything anymore.

I looked up when someone called my name. They were beckoning me to stand up and go in front, to give a speech. I glanced at his picture in front then shook my head, offering them a smile.

"I have nothing to say."

They didn't insist. But they looked at me with pity laced in their expressions, tears springing in their eyes nonstop. Most of them didn't know who I was, and they didn't like what I did. They looked at me with indifference and anger, as if they were expecting a specific reaction from me. Were they expecting me to cry, too?

What was there left to say? He wouldn't even be able to hear them anyway.

We all stood there, surrounded by the people whose lives Piers' touched--friends from high school, fellow agents and others that I have seen for the first time. And though it began to rain just as the minister finished speaking, the crowd lingered long after it was over.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Vincent and Roseanne were there as well. Vincent offered me a sympathetic look while Roseanne just silently cried in his chest.

The wake was held at a different place. One by one, people were offering their condolences and shared memories. Chris and Jill talked to me a few days ago, but I just shrugged them off. I even heard them say to each other that I was back to my former self. Chris regrets that he couldn't attend the funeral because he had to go back to Eastern Europe. But he had his sister, Claire, to keep an eye on me. I wonder why?

I just sat there in the corner, watching Phyllis talk to Andrew. Her face was blushing red, hazel eyes bloodshot accompanied by bags and salty tears.

Five weeks have passed since the incident, but it all felt like a blur to me. Andrew came back for us and immediately hauled my unconscious body back home. The doctors said that the reason I passed out was because I was too dehydrated, stressed and fatigued. And just recently, I found out that I was pregnant.

I couldn't remember anything that have happened in the course of the weeks that I have stayed in the hospital, and in retrospect I knew that I didn't want to. But I do remember Lorraine never leaving my side, and Phyllis was detained for questioning and evaluation because of our involvement in the attacks.

"Is Cheryl going to be alright, Aunt Lorrie?" I heard Phyllis ask once when they thought I was asleep.

"She just needs a little time..." Lorraine answered.

"I'm more scared of how she's acting..." Phyllis trailed off in a shaky voice. "She had no reaction at all."

"You have to understand her. She's been through a lot in her life. She's still in shock."

I remember Camilla telling me that pain is unavoidable, but suffering is a choice. But she had forgotten the kind of pain that isn't only a feeling. It is more than pain and suffering. The kind of pain where you feel nothing. If it was possible to die from a broken heart, I would have done so long before now.

How come I felt all of those feelings before...? But now I can't feel anything?

Phyllis approached me with fast strides. "Cheryl, stop being like this."

"Stop what?" I blinked in surprise.

"This. Pretending not to care. You're hurting yourself even more; you're just feeding your griefs and sorrows. You can cry, you know! Scream. Let it all out! You can tell us everything you're feeling! You're not the only one grieving! You haven't shed a single tear ever since... ever since Piers died! Did he not matter to you at all?"

I stared up at her from my seat, unmoving. Her tear stained face laced with anger and frustration. And there I also noticed that we had captured all of the people's attention.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I smiled at her.

"Don't you fucking smile at me!" She screeched, losing what was left of her composure. She was itching to hurt me, but then Andrew pulled her away, giving me an apologetic look.

How come I survived and you didn't?

You didn't choose me right until the very end.

I can't leave you... but you do it so well.

You didn't just die, Piers. It was more than just the end of your life or our life together. It also ended all of my hopes for the future... and it ended who I was, too.

"Nothing is permanent in this world, Schatzi. No matter how desperately tight you hold on to things you hold dearly, it will be taken away from you eventually. Then you will be left with nothing to live for..." And up until the end, Henry was right.

But I guess things just happen for a reason. I just wish that it happened to me, too.

I heaved out a deep sigh, as I stood up and went to exit the place. But Lorraine went and stopped me.

"Where are you going, Cheryl?"

"I'm going back to the apartment." I craned my neck to give her a small smile. "I'm so tired. I just want to rest." Out of nowhere, Piper appeared from the crowd, his leash trailing behind him. I stroked his head, turning my gaze back at Lorraine. "Don't worry, I have someone to keep me company." I gestured towards the dog.

Without waiting for her reply, I turned around with Piper behind me. I couldn't suppress the smile because of the thought I just had.

Home.

Phyllis.

I think I might have lost my cool earlier. Why did I become so insensitive of her feelings? I might be his only cousin but she's his wife... and she might have looked like she didn't care. We might all be grieving but I know deep down inside she's the most devastated.

I went to apologize but I couldn't find her. She's nowhere in sight.

"Have you seen Cheryl?" I asked Andrew when I approached him.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "No, sorry."

I approached Aunt Lorrie. "Aunt, have you seen Cheryl anywhere?"

"She went back to the apartment. She said that she was tired and wanted to rest. She also took Piper with her."

My eyes widened in surprise. My heart skipped a beat at the statement. What is this feeling? Why do I suddenly feel uneasy?

"Oh, I see. I'm going to check on her." I said.

"Okay, honey. You do that." She smiled at me before giving me a brief hug. Aunt Lorrie called Andrew over so that he could drive me back to the apartment. I didn't argue.

As we were on our way back to the apartment, all of what happened came back to me at once. All of the hell we'd gone through. I can't shake off this feeling. I hope that I'm wrong about this. I hope I'm not too late. She can't do this to herself! I can't lose her, too!

I couldn't help but cry again, this time in desperation and helplessness. Oh, Cheryl...

"Wait here." I didn't wait for Andrew's reply and quickly went out of there car then sprinted my way across the apartment complex.

I didn't bother to take the elevator and just went straight for the flight of stairs because I wouldn't be able to keep still. I stopped in front of their apartment and heard scratching against the door and some whimpering. I opened it and out came Piper barking at me. I scurried inside the apartment, calling over to Cheryl but in my horror she wasn't anywhere inside. My blood ran cold as I clench my teeth in frustration. I sat on the couch in defeat. Where the fuck are you?!

"Why the rooftop?" I asked. Cheryl turned around and let out a small smile. That same smile she gave me when I lashed out at her. Shit, why am I remembering this now?

"He didn't give us his exact location in the Quad Tower. So I figured he'd be waiting by the rooftop."

"That didn't answer my question."

"When I was a child, whenever I couldn't find him, he's just always at the rooftop. Watching everything from above."

The rooftop. Could it be?

I sprang and dashed out of the apartment. But I stopped when I saw something fall from the corner of my eyes. I looked over the railings and squinted my eyes to get a better view of what fell from the sky. It was a white sandal... it was Cheryl's.

"Oh, my God... no..."

I wasted no time in climbing over five more floors in order to reach the rooftop. I burst through the door and saw her standing by the edge, making her have a striking resemblance to her father.

"Cheryl... hey..." I called out, but she didn't even acknowledge my presence. I slowly walked over to her. "Cheryl... can you please step away from the edge?"

"Now I understand why Henry was always here." Cheryl muttered, a smile evident in her voice. "You can see everything from up here. Some people really just liked to watch the world burn."

"Cheryl... please... don't..." My voice shook.

"Why not?" She laughed, and craned her neck to look at me. For the first time in weeks, she's now crying. "Tell me, Phyllis, what's the point of living without a purpose now? What's the point..." Her voice broke, doing her best to prevent a sob from escaping her throat. "What's the point of living without him now?"

"We're here for you... we won't... we won't leave you alone. Please don't do this, Cheryl... a-and you're carrying his child... Piers wouldn't like this--"

"Well, he's not here anymore, is he?" She chuckled sarcastically, making me feel more afraid of what's going on inside her mind. "He always left me... but now I'm going with him."

"NO!"

Cheryl.

I fell in love with a soldier, and in the midst of war we lost ourselves. If there will come a world where peace existed, maybe then we could find the perfect destiny.

My dreams, when I could remember them, they were fragmented and disoriented. But surprisingly, Piers didn't appear in any of them at all. I don't know if it was an omen of some sort or if I should attach any meaning to it. But clearly, I didn't want to remember or think about anything at all. I just want to... disappear.

But Phyllis... managed to catch my wrist and pull me back up.

"Cheryl... Cheryl..." Phyllis sobbed as she hugged me tight. We both just sat there motionless on the floor, her sobs resonating my thoughts. I closed my eyes as the stray tears fell with the action.

I just wanted to disappear without a word. Just like how he disappeared wordlessly.

Sometimes upon awakening, I experience a split second of confused unreality. Because everything that happened was too absurd to have actually occurred, that everything was just a terrible mistake. But then in that split second, everything whirls back to reality. And I was left with the relentless need to understand why this had to happen.

Chris visited to check up on me. One look from me and he immediately understood. He was the last one who saw Piers, and I understood the guilt and shame he must have felt when we sat across each other.

"We found this under his bed in the barracks in Europe." Chris said, handing me an envelope, forcing a smile my way before he left.

I opened the envelope, unfolded the piece of paper and my eyes dilated in surprise.

"No..."

It was Piers' handwriting.

My dearest Cheryl,

Will you ever forgive me?

I exhaled a small breath, my eyes suddenly getting blurry at the unbidden tears. I rubbed my eyes using my sleeve, then composed myself. I started again.

Will you ever forgive me?

Though I am always gone and been neglecting you because of my missions, I always feel bad whenever I had to leave you alone especially the times when you need me the most. But this letter is not written for the purpose of apologizing for my shortcomings, but rather, to say the things I couldn't say to you before I go... and to say goodbye. I realized that I might die sooner than expected when my grandfather died in his mission a few years back. And in my line of work, there will be no warnings, even though I always assure you that I'd come back, we both know there's always no guarantee. There are a lot of loose ends between us, so I decided to leave this letter to you. So read carefully, Cheryl.

I truly cherish all that you do for me, and at the end of everything I'm glad to come back home to someone like you. It's so unfortunate that I had to die, but I want you to know that I have no regrets because I got to spend years of happiness next to you. I wouldn't have it any other way. You might not believe me but you are a lot stronger than you think. Stronger than me, I assure you. Why? Because if you had died before me, I don't know if I could ever open my heart again.

I halted, my chest constricting as I tried to control my sobs. I shut my eyes before taking a deep, cold breath before I continue reading.

You made me happy. It felt so surreal I felt like I didn't deserve it when I never gave you anything at all. I may have not shown you how much I love you, but you are the only one I had ever loved like this. I love you, Cheryl Hansen... I loved you then and even more now and I know I will still love you even in the afterlife. Thank you for being my best friend, thank you for sticking up even if I didn't deserve it. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for always making me my favorite steak.

I chuckled through my sobs, smiling and crying all at the same time.

I want you to know that it's okay to grieve for me but I assure you that everything is going to be okay, in time. You can grieve the way you know best, but I do want you to promise me is that you'll do your best to move forward. I know it'll be tough at first, but I know that you'll get through it all. I want you to know that there is a world waiting for you out there and there are many opportunities for you. The last thing I want is to be the cause of your eternal sadness. So please smile for me. Breathe for me. Live for me. Promise me. I want you to be happy. Because that is what you deserve. You deserve to be loved.

I love you.

Piers