Chapter 18

XVIII. Oblivion

IT WAS ALREADY May when I dreamed of the person I love. After that moment, it was all over for me. After the tragedy and the e-mail, the days seem to have passed by in a slow and rapid pace all at the same time. I always wake up from the night terrors involving war, blood and people dying. It's like I was there, too... also living the experience.

I didn't let those dreams get to me at first, but then they started appearing more frequently and getting worse and worse one after the next. One night, I woke up to the sound of a scream. I was sweating really heavily and I couldn't stop shaking, and then later I realized that the scream just now... it was me. Piper jolted up in surprise and climbed on the bed to check up on me. I tried my best to make the shaking stop and for the first time, there's nothing more that I want than Piers to wrap me in his arms and tell me that everything's okay. But I kept on telling myself that he won't be here any time soon. He was left to fight for the world and I was left no choice but to fight my own battles; the demons that's resurfacing once again. Slamming my palms into my face, I began to cry silently.

Piers... Piers... Please come home... I need you right now.

But I could just go home to Lorraine, but I decided against it. I don't think her comfort wouldn't be enough, or maybe I just didn't want her to. And I also don't want to add on to her worries.

The more I dream about him, the more it feels like he is slowly becoming a mere dream, and that's the more he slips away from me. The apartment became morbid, and as I stare at the four beige corners of the apartment, the more I realize that it was dull, gloomy and vast. I started to develop twisted, negative thoughts. Insidious, slowly devouring and clouding my mind.

Is it possible that... Piers can go on for days without even wondering about me?

Because it seems like he can manage to do so. Piers would call me as best as he could, and I appreciated that. I'd even tell him to call me whenever he can, even if it takes weeks or months, I'd always wait for his every call. But this time is different for me. Every second feels like I'm slowly suffocating without hearing from him, and my mind started to wander to dangerous places again, the places that I swore never to revisit again, the places that I didn't want to show to anyone.

I felt something tug me—something that I had almost forgotten how it feels like—fear. To fall asleep, at each passing second, without Piers, of being alone.

I tried to be stronger. But the more I try and convince myself that I am, I feel like I'm doing the exact opposite. I know this is a terrible time for him, I try not to think about the war but I still couldn't escape the images. I try to avoid scouring newspapers and even the internet; however, it kept on visiting me through nightmares. I have been enduring that set-up for almost six months now, and I'm on the edge of my sanity.

Why was I becoming so afraid?

Am I afraid of the dreams? No, they can't hurt me. But what I was very afraid of was those dreams to become reality.

As I cried, I stopped as a realization hit me. Chris is still missing, and no one even knows where he is or whether he's even still alive. I don't doubt Piers' capabilities but it could have been him, too. The possibilities are endless out in the battlefield. And with his personality, there's no doubt...

I stopped breathing at the last thought, and I was left with the overwhelming sense of dread. My eyes flicked to my phone and with trembling hands, I took it and dialed his number before I could think twice. I'm usually the one who patiently waits for every call, a call that I have been waiting for nearly a month now. I hovered the device on my ear, listening to the continuous ringing sound as my free hand hug my knees. After a few moments, it went straight to voice mail, which disappointed me but not surprised nonetheless.

"Piers," My voice was hoarse and uneven to my ears, "please call me as soon as you get this."

I looked my phone, asking myself if I was the one who had really done that. I dropped the phone on soft cushion of the bed and hugged my knees, willing myself to stop crying. I stared into the dark, empty space of my room, and I could feel Piper's fur on my side as he tries to get my attention. To my astonishment, my mind was blank. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard the device beside me ring.

"Hey."

His voice was even enough to bring tears to my eyes. How I miss him terribly.

"Hey back..." I whispered.

"Why were you crying? Tell me what's wrong." He asked me urgently, as if he had forgotten the fact that he didn't contact me for nearly a month.

"Will you come home?" I uttered and he didn't reply right away, might be because he was surprised at the sudden request. I didn't let him reply, because the answer will only hurt me. I beat him to it by letting out a chuckle, "Of course you can't. You want to, but you can't." I answered for him, and it stung even more when he didn't deny it.

"Cheryl?" His tone was of worry and confusion, "What's wrong? I wouldn't know unless you tell me."

"That's the point." I chuckled bitterly, "I don't know what's wrong with me. Will you please come home?"

"I..." He trailed off, letting the sentence hang for a moment, "I don't know if I can right now."

"Piers..."

"Please try to understand..."

Why do I feel like I need you more than you need me? I wanted to tell him but I just smiled despite the threat of the falling tears. I wanted to get mad because it's just very unfair. He already spent a very long time in the service more than he's ever home with me. When will it be my turn to be with him? When will it be my turn to be his priority? When will it be my turn to be chosen? I've known the answer even before I started questioning them. And the answer is never.

But right now, I didn't care. I have to make him choose me this time.

Instead of voicing out all of my greedy thoughts, I just let it all out in a form of a smile. "I know..." I swallowed and controlled my breathing in a desperate attempt to prevent a sob from escaping my throat. "I know what you're trying to say. But I don't want to understand it. I know that you're needed there, Piers, but I desperately need you, too."

What are you doing, Cheryl? The last bit of my conscience scolded me, but the desperate part of me overwhelmed every other sensation.

"Please..." I begged, my voice beginning to crack.

The other line was dead silent, and I thought for a moment that he had already hang up on me when he spoke with a sigh.

"Okay."

When he hung up, I'd continue to stare at the ceiling, listening to the rapid beating of my broken heart. My thoughts were foreign even to me. I entertained those thoughts, I let myself get influenced by it and even let it take the initiative... and look at the outcome.

Piers might hate me for the next words I'm about to say. And the thought of his hatred for me is more bearable than the consequences that awaited us if he stays any second longer in the BSAA.

He arrived the next day. I was sleeping on the couch that afternoon when I was awakened by the gentle strokes of fingers on my hair.

Piers stared at me intently, seeping right through the soul and out of guard at the same time—as if he was retracing his steps of the memories he last had of me. I stared back, and tried to convince myself that my eyes aren't playing tricks on me. Piers is here... he left Europe where is he most demanded and came home for me. He looks just as tired as I was, seeing the evident dark circles under his eyes and the inconspicuous loss of weight. I prevented the urge to touch his handsome face and wipe off the creases from his forehead.

"Cheryl..." He breathed, cupping my face as if to try to see right through me.

"Hello, Piers." I smiled at him, and it seemed to confuse him even more because he frowned at me.

"What... happened to you? You lost a ton of weight."

I gently pushed him away, and stood up from the couch. I was beginning to walk away from him whilst saying: "Have you eaten? I have some leftover beef stew in the kitchen."

"No, don't walk away from me." He stopped me by grabbing me by the arm, forcing me in this way to face him. His face was dead serious, but there was underlying worry in it. "I want to know why you called me while crying and begged me to come home. Tell me, Cheryl."

"Do you love me?"

My question caught him off-guard, but answered nonetheless. He nodded, still confused. "Yes."

"Will you do something for me, then?"

"What is it?"

I turned away for a moment, mustering all of my courage, "Piers," I began, then turned back to stare straight into his eyes, "will you quit the BSAA?"

Piers' mouth went ajar at my request. His grip on my arm loosened until he finally let it go, staring at me with complete bewilderment and... incredulousness.

"What?" He spluttered. "Cheryl, what the hell are you saying? Are you kidding me?"

When I didn't answer, he exhaled loudly then looked away for a moment, registering my statements into his brain. He looked back at me, "Cheryl, if this is about me not contacting you for a month, then I'm sorry, okay? Everything is just so messed up—"

"Will you quit the BSAA or not?" My voice turned a notch higher.

Piers clenched his jaw, "No. I'd do anything for you... anything but this."

"Why not? If you love me, you'd do it for me, right?" I smirked, challenging him. But it was wiped off in an instant at his response.

"If you love me, why are you making me choose?" When I didn't reply, he went on, shaking his head. "I can't believe this. After everything we've been through, you're going to give up now? Why are you giving up? I thought that you understand."

"Yes, I understand!" I snapped, "I understand all of it. Whenever you had to leave me again and again and again, I understood. I understood when you couldn't be here for me when I needed you the most. I understood that I will never be your first priority. I understood that you will never ever choose me."

He looked taken aback by my outburst. When he recovered, he shot back with the same intensity. “Iʼm also doing this for you! So that no one would have to go through that hell you went through years ago—”

“I donʼt care about the world!” I screamed. “The world can go to hell for all I care! Iʼm used to it anyway—”

“What... the fuck are you even saying?” Piers asked me with dilated eyes, as if he couldnʼt comprehend the words Iʼd just said.

“Oh, then Iʼll make it easier for you to understand! You are just wasting your life trying to—”

"Shut up!" He cut me off, making me stop, but only for an instant. "You want me to fucking drop everything just to prove my love for you. Do you even have an idea what you're asking? Did it ever occur to you that you're being so selfish right now?"

"Yes, I know I'm being selfish. And I don't care." My fists curled into tight balls as tears threaten to begin, "You will die if you stay in the BSAA... I just want to keep you safe." Piers didn't even flinch at the statement, it was as if he was well aware of it without me pointing it out. "Just look... at what happened to your squad. Andy, Ben, Carl, Finn... even Chris has been missing for nearly six months now and we still don't have an idea where he is or whether he's even alive. What are the chances that it's not going to happen to you, too?"

"Chris is alive, I'm sure of it." He said firmly, "I will find him and bring him back to the BSAA, even if that's the last thing I do."

“Your job...” I muttered. “is to rid the world of bioterrorism... which will never be gone. Are you going to keep doing this until you get killed?”

“My life is only a small price to pay compared to what the world will receive from my death.”

What...

I couldnʼt answer. All of these overwhelming emotions were taking its toll on me, on us. Itʼs getting to the point where weʼre now hurting each other for the first time.

But still, he wasnʼt fazed. At this point, I donʼt know what will anymore. When I didnʼt answer anymore, Piers turned on his heels and proceeded to walk away, and I was left there frozen, defeated. He's leaving... again. Despite that, I was incapable of motion and realizing what he intended to do, my mouth opened and let out the words in a mutter.

“Piers...” I called weakly. “Why are you leaving?"

He stopped but didn't spare me a glance, "To be honest, I'm not so sure who you are anymore."

With that, he strode out the living room and out the door.

He was gone until nightfall.

I didn't know what to do, where to go or why he left, other than we both needed to be apart so that we could reflect on our words and actions. Throughout the ordeal, Piper was inside my room barking and scratching on the door, begging to be let out so that he can stop us. I finally let him out and he stared at me as if he knew I was in the wrong. But I just offered him a small smile and caressed him behind the ears as I began to cry again.

In time, I felt the need to sweat so I went to the gym, slipped on my gloves and started hitting the punching bag as if to purify myself from the anger, sadness and disappointment I couldn't shake.

Two things were certain: Piers had walked in the door ready for an argument. His responses came off as reactive than rehearsed. And second, he already made a decision, probably even the day before he started to dream about following his family's tradition. It just hurts that even I can't do anything to convince him to change his mind. I wanted him to live a long life, not for me but for himself. Even if I'm not a part of it. He knew exactly how I would be acting, and though I deserved his anger for what I did to him, the fact that he hadn't appeared to care about my feelings gnawed at me for the rest of the afternoon. But heck, did I even bother to care for his?

Shadows lengthened as the sun prepared to go down, but Piers still wasn't back. Either way, I still wasn't prepared to face him. Instead, I just ate the leftover beef stew this afternoon and did a lot of thinking. I looked back at the clock on my nightstand and it signed 9 pm, and there I was convinced that Piers might not be going home for tonight, which made me feel even worse than I already was. I turned off the light in my room and just let the light from the living room serve as my source of sight. I sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed, breathing softly.

I didn't notice the sound of the front door being opened nor Piers standing by the doorframe of my room. I snapped out of my trance when I heard two knocks on my door and I looked up to see him. He offered a tentative smile.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey."

There was a pause, and I realized that we were both waiting on who's going to break the ice first. Piers sighed, "I'm sorry," He began, "For everything. I realized how my words came across, and I should have understood where you're coming from. I shouldn't have been so angry when you just wanted to keep me safe."

I patted the empty space beside me, "Come here."

He sauntered toward the room, took a seat beside me, and he slipped an arm around me. I leaned against him, and I could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest.

When he stroked my arm, I sighed, "Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere, really," He said. "Just stayed at the beach for a while. Had some beer. Did a lot of thinking."

"About what?"

"About me. About you. About us."

I nodded, "Me too," I said. "Are you still mad?"

Piers slightly shook his head, his mouth on my hair. "No. I was, but I'm too tired to be even mad anymore."

I nodded again, "Me too," I repeated.

When silence accompanied us once again, it was me who decided to break the ice this time. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

"I should be the one apologizing. I even disrupted your focus on the BSAA. And then you come home to me demanding you to drop everything you worked so hard for. I'm sorry... I let fear get the best of me. It just gets so scary sometimes, you know?"

When he didn't answer, I went on.

"I dreamed of you dying, that's why I got so scared. I was so scared that it might come true. That's why I begged you to come home so that I could tell you face to face to quit the BSAA because I know you'll hate me for it. At least when you hate me... I'd get to see you."

"You know I'll never do that."

"Yes... which makes me feel all the more guilty. Because I had taken advantage of that. I'm sorry. As much as I trust you, as much as I love you, there's always this part of me that's terrified that I'm going to pieces once you don't come back to me anymore. And when you leave again, I'm going to have to figure out how to not overthink again and just go on with my every day life as it is. Some people can do that. You can do that too, Piers. I thought that I could do that, too... but I'm sorry, I'm not strong like you nor the rest of the military girlfriends."

I fiddled on with my fingers and it was silent once again. I could feel him tighten his hold on me, and despite that, I couldn't help but let out a soft laugh.

"You don't have to answer that, you know." I said. "Because I don't think there is one. But all I know is that I'm glad to be with you again, even after what happened."

Piers chuckled, "Yeah, me too." Then there was a pause. “About what you said earlier... do you really not care about what happens to the world?”

My heart constricted at the sentence, realizing just now how awful I sounded.

“Iʼm sorry about that. I donʼt even know what I was saying... It was so stupid.” I shook my head in disappointment at myself.

“Itʼs okay, baby.” He whispered as he kissed my hair.

“Itʼs just that... at the time, I donʼt mind what happens to the world if it means that you are safe and sound. Itʼs selfish, I know, but the world hasnʼt been very nice to me either.”

“I understand. And that is also one of the reasons why I fight, Cheryl. So that youʼll change your view of the world. I want you to see that it can be beautiful sometimes, too. But...” He held me tighter. “I may have overlooked that even though youʼre already strong, there will be times when you need me to be strong for you, too.”

I hummed in response, not wanting to interrupt him although my heart was wildly protesting and breaking for him again.

“Iʼm sorry if I canʼt give you what you want. Even if I love you, Cheryl, I wonʼt bend my principles for you.”

I smiled, nodding. “Good decision... good decision.”

“This isnʼt the kind of love I promised you. But can you hang on just a little more? Iʼll make it up to you soon.”

“Donʼt love me how you promised. Love me just because you do. Thatʼs more than enough for me.”

I smiled, and then felt the warmth of his body gush through mine. I lifted my head to look at him and savored his touch. He leaned down and pressed his lips on mine.

There was a different kind of passion to his kiss, unabashed and alive. I felt his tongue against mine, and I couldn't help but whimper. The conscious way of my body responded to his touch and kisses, I felt my fingers tug the hem of his shirt and start to lift it up. Piers pulled away and looked at me with question in his eyes, asking for consent, but I only closed the insignificant space between us and kissed him again. His lips travelled down to my neck as I can feel his fingers slowly unbutton my top, while my hands found its way to the snap of his jeans. When he was successful on removing my top, he stopped for a moment to lift me from the floor and onto the bed, taking off his shirt, then let his jeans fall to the floor on the way. The sensation of his skin against mine was like fire, and we began to make love.

It was everything I had ever wanted, and when we were finished, he wrapped his arms around me and reassured me so many times that he loved me dearly. After almost six months, that I had slept in peace.

The next day, he brought me to a small, simple chapel. I asked him if he intended to pray or confess but he just said that he's going to fulfill a promise he made a long time ago. We stood there in front of the altar, as everything slowly dawn on me. I flickered my wide-eyed gaze back at Piers, who only smirked and shook his head in amusement.

"You're only realizing it now?" He said. "I told you I'll marry you the next time we see each other."

"Piers..."

As if on cue, a man, who appeared to be a priest, walked in from the other room. He smiled as if he knew what was about to happen.

"So..." He started, smiling as he turned to face me, "will you marry me?"

We married on June 23, 2013. It was a very simple and quick ceremony and because we married on such short notice, the priest was the only witness of our exchange of vows. Even if our wedding wasn't extravagant like most people would have wanted, it was everything I had ever wanted and dreamed to be. To finally marry the love of my life. We spent the rest of the day with each other, making most of every moment as if it was our last day together. And when we finally got home, we made love again.

Indeed, everything seemed so surreal it felt like a dream. Because when I woke up the next day, he wasn't beside me. It was 3 in the morning when I called for him and he shouted from the kitchen. I went to the kitchen and found him sitting on the dining area and breakfast almost finished, and there I got a hunch on what was about to happen. He seemed to notice my trepidation for he stood up and marched to my direction to pull me into his arms, sealing me in a tight embrace.

“Piers,” I whispered. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For coming home.”

“I told you Iʼd do anything for you, didnʼt I?”

A dry, almost bitter chuckle escaped my throat as I shake my head. “As for me, I'm going to be okay..." I reassured him, wrapping my arms around him as I tried my best not to cry. “Iʼll just be here... waiting where youʼve left me.”

“Thank you for always waiting for me.” He whispered, “I love you, Cheryl, and I always will. These past few days have been the best moments of my life and I donʼt regret a single second of it. Iʼm sorry it has to be this way but I have to go now.”

“I love you, too, Piers,” I took my locket off and placed it on his open palm, closing it. "Always remember that I'm always with you."

"Thank you."

As tears continued to flow freely past my cheeks, Piers held me again, leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. I couldn't stop myself from shaking with sobs, as he continued to hold me for the longest time. When we finally separated, I took a deep breath to calm myself down and wiped my face. I offered him a smile.

Then I watch him sling his bag over his shoulder and walked away. As much as I wanted to chase after him and tell him to stay with me, it took all of my willpower to stop myself from doing so. And so, I just stayed on my feet and watched him walk out the door. I closed my eyes as a sad realization hit me. He never looked back.

I didn't sleep a blink after that, all I could do was replay and reminisce all of what happened for the past few days with him. And it was by far, the most wonderful moments of my life.

My phone rang, and I glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Phyllis calling me.

"Hi, Phyllis." I greeted, and my voice was hoarse from all of the crying.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" She asked, mistaking it for grogginess. She didn't seem to notice that I was crying recently.

"No, you didn't. I couldn't sleep anyway. Why did you call?"

"Oh, remember the university that I was really dying to go to that was a few hours away?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well, can you drive me there on the 29th? I need to attend the seminar that the President will conduct on that day."

"Why can't you just drive there yourself?"

"If I could, I would," I could sense her rolling her eyes in dismay, "Mom and Aunt Lorrie ganged up on me because they don't trust my driving skills. Either of them can't drive me there because they both have work on that day."

"Which leaves me your last option." I finished for her.

"Oh please, Cheryl?" She begged with that annoying, childish tone, "I really need this. I have a dorm; you can stay there for the time being. Just please drive me there."

Phyllis was still talking on the other line when my head start to hurt because of her high-pitched voice.

"Okay, okay..." I sighed, defeated. "I'll drive you there."

"Yay! Thanks! You're the best!"

"What's the name of the university, anyway?" I inquired, suddenly getting curious. The President of the United States will host a seminar in there, huh? I wonder what's the catch about that.

"Ivy University." She said, and I could feel the smile, pride and excitement in her tone. "Located in the city of Tall Oaks."