52 "ignored or denied pain becomes fear or hate"

A few weeks had passed and my old man finally woke up. My sister called and said he would be coming home as long as we followed the hospitals specific rules. After a couple days of preparing for him I think I was finally ready. I was ready for daddy's arrival. Beth said he was his normal self again, just in a bit of pain. I was nervous for him to see everyone on edge. Although it had been a fewMonths, the attack on not just him but also on us was much too fresh in our minds. Another thing that was fresh in my mind was something growing with in me. I havnt told a soul. Not even the father. I tried for as long as I could to ignore it But, every single day I was barfing...After every meal, every horse I saw, every vaccine I gave, every shower I took...it was a constant struggle to hold anything down. I also became a lot more tired than usual. I've been drained to the max.. so drained that even Rip began to get on my case for it. I of course would pick up the pace to keep from breaking my cover. Just like tonight. It was around 5pm. I had just finished my last bit of preparations for the new colt to be born. I stalked up on bottles and nipples, straw and hay, along with formula just in case mama can't help. I was beat. Before setting up for the colt I was working the field. Since jimmys been gone I've been picking up more of his slack. Not only jimmy's slack but Mia's slack. She was on pay roll too. I was filling in for two missing cow pokes. I was exhausted. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I knew for a fact I had to stay strong for my father.

I paced the wooden porch for about an hour waiting for my father's arrival. Up the hill and Down the driveway I saw flashing lights of an ambulance. Multiple men peeled my father's annoyed self from the back of the big blocky van. "I can fucking walk you know!" Daddy growled. "You shouldn't mr Dutton. You can get a blood clot" one of the EMT stated. "Holy shit who cares" he grumbled. "Welcome home daddy..." I said softly. My father glanced over at me with a smile of weakness. "Hi honey" he said simply before they dangerously carried my father up the stairs to his bedroom Beth and i followed up the stairs also "what the fuck is This!?" Daddy croaked. I glanced at Beth as he looked at me. Beth and i had a devious smile "it's what they required to release you daddy. It's temporary" the emts packed up their stuff then left our home. Daddy sat on his bed while mumbling profanities. "Hi! I'm Maggie! I'll be your nurse for the next year!" A blonde woman in scrubs spoke from behind us in the doorway. She held a tray of dinner in her hands and a very large smile on her face. She was ready to work. My father scoffed as he looked at Beth and I "are you fucking kidding me? A god damn nurse?!"

"It was mandatory daddy.. they wouldn't have let you come home" I said. "It's mandatory I have a god damn nurse?" He asked. Maggie nodded. "Very" "Fine. Maggie your fuckin fired honey. Sorry but tough shit" he shrugged his shoulders. "What? Didn't you hear? It's mandatory" Maddie gasped. "I have my nurse. She's right here" my father pointed to me. "What?!" I scoffed too. "Yep. She's certified enough. Goodbye Maggie" my father waved. The poor girl ran out on her first day on the job. "Daddy" I groaned. "Looks like you'll have to move back into the house Willie. You now have to 'take care of me' I guess" he smirked. "Move in? Dad don't you think you're getting a little too comfortable her? First you make her your proxy, then you cry out her name at the hospital and now you want her To move into your home?" Beth was getting irritated. My fathers eyes rolled back onto her head "it's almost like she is my daughter Beth"

"Daughter? Are we forgetting about what she's done?!" Beth's voice began to ring. "Give hik a moment of peace okay? You can cause issues later" I said bluntly. Beth turned to me with her crazy eyes. "The fuck did you just say to me?" I could almost see a curse being spelled upon me from her witch fingers. "Beth. Enough. Please for the love of god I just got home. Please drop it for one fuckin day" my father pleaded. "Fine!! I'll just stop fucking talking! How about I go off myself instead!? You'd like that wouldn't you dad!!" Beth slammed his bedroom door before causing her own ruckus outside. I bowed my head with shame to have caused such an issue already. "You don't even have to move into your bedroom. You can have any room in the house" my dad said as he slowly stood up in agony. I held out my hand to assist him. He slowly moved his creaking body into his bathroom. "I put a chair in the shower. At least just use that if you won't use anything else the hospital called for. Okay pop?  I ignored his 'moving in' statement the best I could. My father looked back at me with a smirk. "Did you hear me?" He asked. "...that you want me to get rid of everything? Yes" I nodded. "No! I'm asking you to move in. You belong here. Not in the bunkhouse" he said. I shook my head "I belong in the bunkhouse. This house is for your family only" I gently placed a towel and his razor on the bathroom sink as I could tell he wanted to shave his 5 month old beard. "Willie.. you're my daughter. You're my family" his face frowned as if I hurt his feelings. I gulped "I'll.. I'll think about it.. let me know if you need anything daddy" I stepped back out of his bathroom to give him his own peace. I then went to the front porch closing the door behind me. I glanced at my sister who sat with a shot gun in her lap. Her eyes stared at me with anger "if you think you can weasel your way back into this family you are sadly mistaken" her hands slid down the barrel of the shot gun to cock it. "He may want to forgive you but I never will. You killed our mother and nearly had our father killed. This is your fault. All your fault. Don't you fucking forget that. I'll remind you every day until I fucking die. Better yet. When you fucking die. And when you fuckin die it'll be on my watch. So I suggest you stay then fuck away from my father. Or. Else" she pointed the gun straight to my abdomen where I held the most precious creature in the world. I placed my hand over my gut as I watched the evil flicker in her psychopathic eyes. I had chills going down my spine. It's almost like she was confessing her plans for my death right in front of me. I stared at her mostly frozen in fear. "What's going on in there?" She frowned even more heavy as she stared at my torso she pushed the tip of the shot Gun into my belly. "Stay away from me" i say. Her frown turned devilish. "Make me" Quickly i walked down the stairs. I walked down to the bunkhouse with my nerves in a twist. In all honesty I wanted to vomit. I shimmied my coat off as I walked in. I hung it up along with my hat. I closed my eyes as i ran my hands through my helmet hair. I was beat. I glanced around the room as the bunkmates did their usual rough housing nonsense. "God I need to get skinny" Laramie said. "Skinny!? How much smaller could you get?" Walker questioned. "I wanna be super small. Like Willie" she teased as she lifted her shirt to show her perfect breasts and body. I watched from the front door as they havnt even acknowledged I was in the room. "Nah. You don't wanna get Willie small honey! You'll lose them tits and ass if you do that." Walker reached over to tap her ass in a seductive way. She let out a giggle of excitement over his touch. Others laughed at his comment... but not Lloyd. Lloyd didn't even stop to move a muscle, until he saw me in front of the door. He frowned at my sad eyes and lips. He witnessed my heart crack just a bit. He then bowed his head at my embarrassment brought to the room. I purposely dropped my boots to ground after taking them off to cause a disruption. Walkers face turned pale as his beautiful green eyes pouted. Laramie hissed with a Cringing tone. I felt I was gonna be sick. I didn't speak a word as pre usual. I quickly made my way to the bathroom to hide from my Shame. I kneeled to the toilet, hacking up anything I had in my system. I took deep breaths as I held in my tears. I laid my head down on my forearms with tears dripping into the toilet. I wanted to ignore what I saw. I wanted to so bad. I loved him so damn much to care. God I loved him. I loved him so madly. But he embarrassed me. That was torture. "Blondie... baby..." his voice said in his soft and gentle way. I looked up at the ceiling to listen to what he had to say. ".... It wasn't what it looked like darlin" he said. "I was just teasin" he sighed. He sounded guilty. I felt so guilty for Making him feel that way. "I didn't mean to disrespect you.." he knocked on the door. I held my knees to my chest as I just felt so ill. I felt like there was no way I could tell him he was gonna be a daddy. "....willie.. baby open the door" he pleaded. I didn't speak. I wiped my tears from my cheeks before clearing my throat. "....come on pretty girl.... Open the door" he spoke even sweeter. I stood up flushing my breakfast. I rubbed my face to wipe away my droopy eyes. I then open the door. "What are you on about?" I questioned him as if I didn't see nor hear a thing. "I'm sorry baby" his hand reached out to grab my arm. I watched him as if I was confused "what are you talking about? What did you do?" I asked. He furrowed his brows. "Nothing?" He was confused.. maybe I never actually heard or saw anything. Maybe I hadn't walked into the door yet. This all happened before I walked in. What do I actually know? I didn't see anything. Is what I repeated to myself. I didn't see a thing....